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I’d been through a hundred one-horse towns just like Blisterville, where a man on a fast horse could go from one end to the other before his tobacco juice hit the ground, but there was something about the sheriff that made me think about staying around for a spell. She was kinda tall and kinda blonde and she had a figure like a coke bottle, not the new fat plastic ones, but the old eight ounce small ones that a man could wrap his hands around and feel the moisture. Yep, she had a curvy body, ‘cept it was soft, not hard, but I said that already. She knew I was a bounty hunter and asked me to give her a hand solving the murders of her predecessor and a deputy. I was intrigued, just as she would be once I turned on the charm.2
“So what name do you go by, cowboy?” she asked.3
“My name’s Whitj310.” I said, winking.4
“How do you pronounce that?”5
“Just like it sounds sweetheart, whitjaythreeten. Do I have to spell it?”6
“No, that’s okay. Do you have a nickname?”7
“My Mom called me ‘puddin’ but I usually go by JJ.”8
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll call you whitjaythreeten.”9
“Uh,” I uhhed. “just use JJ.”10
“Okay JJ,” she said with a smile that hinted ‘okay’.11
Like I said, she had two things I liked in a woman, she was tall and blonde. I asked her name. “What’s your name?”12
“Tallblondie.” she said, like she meant it.13
“Sounds appropriate,” I said.14
“So what can I do for you, Tallblondie?”15
She looked at me with a look that looked like somebody looking like they were looking at something.16
“I want you to find the dog that killed Sheriff Kylia Skydancer and Deputy Sagesyren.”17
Well I guessed with names like that then only one person could have killed them, Darth Vader. So I told her. “Only one person could have killed ‘em, Darth Vader.”18
“Who?” she asked with that coke bottle figure smile.19
“Never mind,” I said. “Where are the bodies?”20
“You’re stepping on Kylia’s hand.”21
“Oh yeah,” I said. “I knew that. Just testing you baby. How’d they die?”22
“I think those bullet holes in the side of their heads had something to do with it.”23
She was right. Those bullet holes did have something to do with it. My years of bounty hunting experience kicked in and I knew right away that both victims had been shot, and from the size of the bullet holes I surmised it had been done with some type of gun. I knew from the marks on their wrists, that they had been tied up and then untied up, later. The fresh powder burns on each of their hands brought me to the conclusion that they committed suicide. But what drove these normally normal Jedi Knights or whatever to the brink of suicide? I gasped when I realized.24
“Gasp,” I gasped.25
“What is it, JJ? Do you see something?”26
“Yes, look!”27
I held up 50 short Anime stories printed from the Storywrite website.28
“What kind of monster would do this?” I asked Tallblondie, because she was the only one around, who was alive anyway.29
“Do what!” she exclaimed, seductively, I might add.30
“Somebody purposely tied up the sheriff and her deputy and subjected them to listen to these horrid Anime stories, probably non-stop, until they were at their breaking point.”31
“So,” Tallblondie said. “They untied them and left a gun so they could shoot themselves?”32
“Yes,” I said. “They untied them and left a gun so they would shoot themselves.”33
“Oh yeah,” Tallblondie said, the sweat dripping seductively down her neck, “that would be my guess, too.”34
“You know this town,” I said. ‘Who in it is barbaric enough to torture these poor victims with this moronic Anime fan-fiction crap? Who?” I exalted.35
“Anyone,” she answered. “Anyone. It could be the effeminate rogue cowboy, CactusJack or the Pakistani from Dublin, IrishYndina. Or even the evil store owner from Dongadhee, geri fitzsimmons.”36
“Fitzsimmons, you say?” I said.37
“Yes, Fitzsimmons, I said,” she said, “or the Swedish bank manager, Andy Stephenson, who always hated the sheriff.”38
“Stevens son!” I ejaculated. (not really)39
“No, Stephenson,” she said.40
“Oh,” I interjected. “Stephenson…yes I see.”41
“And there’s the snake-oil-salesman, Vernatia,” she addered. (pun intended).42
“How do you get oil out of a snake?” I asked.43
“You become president of the United States and beg the Saudis.”44
“Oh,” I said, not understanding, but intrigued at her coke bottle figure – the glass one, not the … oh forget it.45
“But I suspect more than anyone else, those terrible Indian twins,” she said, with a fair amount of emphasis.46
“Kate and Ashley?” I asked.47
“No!” she ejaculated. (Okay…so that’s getting old). The native American twins, Cheerful-Panda and SnowRose-Wolf.”48
It was at that moment, I realized that I knew who killed Sheriff Kylia Skydancer and her deputy SageSyren. I felt it in my gut like I’d never felt anything in my gut before. Although it could have been the jerky I had earlier, but more than likely it was just a gut feeling in my gut that felt like something in my gut. It was one of those seven! I just knew it in my gut, but I digress.49
“Or if it wasn’t them, it could have been our newspaper editor, whichcraft,” she added.50
Eight…I knew in my gut it was one of those eight and I knew which one it was, in my gut.51
“Which craft?” I asked.52
“No, whichcraft,” she said, much faster and with an emphasis on craft.53
“Why would the sheriff be enemies with the newspaper editor?” I asked, plussed, and not the antonym non-plussed.54
Tallblondie sighed and heaved her large…shoulders.55
“Because, she doesn’t know how to review talented writers like Kylia Skydancer, that’s why.”56
“I see,” I saw.57
“Well, I said. “Sheriff, I want you to gather all eight suspects outside the Long Branch Saloon in one hour. Then I will name the murderer.” I said, with every intention of naming the murderer, which I knew, in my gut.58
It wasn’t long until Sheriff Tallblondie had all eight suspects lined up in front of the saloon. I’ll name them in ascending order. 59
Andy Stephenson – the Swedish son of a Stephen.60
CactusJack – the cross-dressing-transvestite cowboy.61
Cheerful-Panda – one of two twins (wait…wouldn’t that be four).62
gerifitzsimmons – an IRA terrorist who sounded a lot like Sean Connery.63
IrishYndina – an Irish Charles Manson.64
SnowRose-Wolf – the other half of the two twins.65
Venatia – a slimy ground crawling snake milker.66
whichcraft – an editor, blind of true talent.67
I paced in front of the motley crew like Tommy Lee at a kid’s pool party.68
“All of you, except for Cheerful-Panda, take one step back!” I yelled.69
All of them, except for Cheerful-Panda, took one step back.70
“Aha!” I yelled, and pointed at Cheerful-Panda. “You did it! You! Why, you’re not even a Native American. You’re a fraud!”71
“How did you know?” she asked, or at least I assume she’s a she, although she may be a he. I don’t get online enough, with work and mowing the lawn, but anyway, she asked.72
“How do I know?” I said, right back. “I know because if you were really an American Indian then you would know that all squaws name their babies after the first thing they see when the baby is born and there is no way in heck that there’s a panda within three thousand miles of here! Ha!” I hawed.73
“Alright. It’s true,” she confessed, or maybe he, I’m still not sure. I really need to get lawn service. It would certainly help. “It is true,” she continued. “I killed them both by reading Anime stories to them non-stop, but they deserved it. You all deserve it.! Anime rules!” she yelled, and drowned herself in the horse trough.74
“Well, thank God she didn’t recite any of that Anime crap before she did herself in,” I said, as I placed my arm over the overly bony shoulder of Tallblondie and walked with her into the sunset, well not literally into the sunset, but in that general direction.
Author notes
Option 3
A contest entry
- Greeters are Taking over!! by SW Greeters.
4100 points, ended June 25, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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HAAHA
This was interesting. Interesting and funny. I normally don't read stories like this, but I found it amusing.
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"an Irish Charles Manson"??? *laughs* Well that's certainly new. I don't even get a line, eh? *signs, resigned to her constant role as 'extra number 4 and a half'"
To be honest, the humor in here was fantastic. I don't think you could have pulled it off if you'd made it any longer (especially the repetitive humor), but it worked perfectly for what you have. "She looked at me with a look that looked like somebody looking like they were looking at something."
Thanks for the entertaining read, and good luck in the contest!
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Funny
This is quite good and very humorous, but you can't have tallblondie. I'm trying to get her to come here and be my cook.
Cheerful-Panda did it. I should have known. It seems that I am a Swedish Banker infected by aliens from Arizona. Logically, I couldn't have done it. Murder by anime, that's certainly a new method or at least, the first I've heard of it.
Thanks for entering 'Greeters are Taking over!!' I enjoyed your story.
Andy
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The best part of this had to be the series of one-liners, especially this one;
'“How do you get oil out of a snake?” I asked.
“You become president of the United States and beg the Saudis.”'
Oh - and the method of death - I think anyone would kill themselves listening to anime fanfiction.
Walking me off into the sunset eh? Is that a poorly concealed attempt a bribing a contest judge, JJ? I like this anyway, especially since you used my option...
Thank you for you entry.
tallblondie
Greeter
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You're welcome, and not at all bony from what I've heard.
JJ
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Man, I knew someone would pick this one and I just had to be dead in it *sighs* I never get the good parts.
Anyways this was great. It is going to be so hard to pick.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Brooke
Greeter -
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"There, there, Lass," (fellow Greeters pat Brooke's back) Nothing to worry about--we have all these humans around--we'll buy you another body. They'll sell anything
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YAY!!!
Yay, a new body!!! Can't wait.
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Hahaha I loved it. It was very funny. Even though I'm not really a fan of anime it really made me laugh. Good luck in the contest.
-Miranda
Greeter
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So you had to do it!
sorry Irish
"Okay JJ, you had to give me up. I’m a taig and them Brits will be on me ‘for dawn.”
I can’t believe the fantastic story you whipped up here so quickly. This is great fun. You certainly kept to option three.
Oh by the way if you read the previous entry, you will noticed even better how bony Blondie’s shoulder has become
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Thanks for entering the contest.
Geri
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I blame you for "Bloody Sunday," Connery.
Wasn't he Welsh?
JJ(Of Irish descent...Daley's of Cork. -
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And Irish you are, Lad.
You are right about 'The Best Bond'. Still, technically anyone from the British Isles is British.
When the English expanded and the title followed so anyone under the cloak of the United Kingdom could be called British.
Of course in Ireland the British military uniform is what labels a ‘Brit’ even if the bugger was born in Ireland.
Geri
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This had me smiling the whole way through. Every paragraph had a good witticism. Well done.
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