"I'm not doing that again." My lips curled in disgust as the scent slid up to my nose. "I reek of fetid flesh and decomposing plant matter. " I just stare at my arms as I add more dish soap into the dirty mixture and scrub my forearms. "..Not to mention that there's enough dirt under my nails to fill a window box with." Though my cuffs are rolled up to my elbows, the edges of them are stained a dingy brown. Those stains will never come out... I quite liked this shirt. I hate messes.1
"Honestly, Des.... Why must I be the one to get rid of the bodies?"2
The man next to me laughed softly as he leaned against the counter. 3
"...You're just so good at it." He answered quietly. My glance turns to him momentarily, taking in his lithe frame draped in clothes far too large for him. His black hair is unkempt and disheveled, obviously unaccustomed to seeing anything other than his long fingers running through it. It's okay though; his hair is not long by any means, not even shaggy. Just unkempt. His eyes are dark and glittering, reflecting every iota of light into piercing pinpoints that currently stare right at me. 4
"Fair enough." I conceded, jarring myself from staring too intently."..But did it have to be in a ruddy swamp?" He turned the sink faucet off and started to dry his hands with a dishtowel. 5
Desmond stepped closer before answering. 6
"There's not a lot of options around here, you know.." The Irish lilt in his voice quite heavy, "...But you can't deny that it isn't really the perfect place to do away with the leftovers." His mouth stretched into a grin, forcing his high cheek bones upward and making his dark eyes curve like a mad man. Like the mad man he was...7
Committing murder in the first degree was not had made me annoyed at my roommate; I was just tired and filthy from the clean up.
Disposal was the worst part of the job, moving stiff, cold, dead-weight corpses to unattainble locations. By the time the bodies were moved, the adrenaline the murder had inspired was ebbing away and fatigue took over. It became less of a hobby and more like work. 8
I hated that there was never a choice in the matter of ditching the bodies. There was always a choice in the dismissal of life, whether to kill, who to kill, how to do it; It took a great measure of creativity.
So did the disposal, granted, but I could never get past the fact that after the crime was put into action, there would always be a disposal to follow. 9
Something about cause and effect in that sense made me uncomfortable, but Desmond was always there to reassure me. And he had never been wrong before.10
I could do nothing but nod as I tossed away the dishtowel and started to slink out of my jacket. 11
"... I suppose." I replied quietly. He stepped closed and slid the jacket the rest of the way off my arms. 12
"Oh come now, Erin..." He said, his eyes glittering at my green ones. "...Admit it. There's no place better. Wet, festering humidity... all sorts of overgrowth and bogs. Animals of every sort just waiting to pick the bones clean. It's the perfect place for disposal." His voice had gotten quieter, but I could hear him clearly regardless. He was so right about it that it gave me a shiver. Well, perhaps the shiver was just because I'd just taken off my jacket. When I answered him, my voice had regressed into the heavy Welsh I tried to avoid in public. 13
"Ah, well..." I had to break eye contact with him. "That may be, but that doesn't change the fact that if we're not careful, Des..." I didn't need to tell him. He knew all to well what would happen if the pair of us were ever caught, as did I. And it made it all the more exciting for the both of us. 14
"Well. We'll just have to keep being careful then...won't we?" He murmured, balling my jacket into his hands. He was close enough now that I could smell the smoke on his breath. I didn't smoke, but I still loved the warm scent of it off of Desmond. It was earthy and dark, complementing him perfectly. Still, the smoke wasn't the only thing I could smell. 15
"I'm going to bathe," I announced before taking a step away from him and walking toward the stairs. I glanced over my shoulder long enough to watch him tossing my soiled jacket into the wash before I continued up to the washroom. I could still hear his footsteps behind me though, wandering off to the den to write, no doubt. Well, after our escapade, it would at least be a story. My dear Desmond has given 'true crime' an entirely new meaning.
Author notes
I needs me a better title.. PLEASE...
In a list
A contest entry
- Fun Stuff by sugarrrainbow.
190 points, ended June 13, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I need lots of critique, please.
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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this is amazing. i've re-read this twice now because i really wanted to understand it better. im guessing there's going to be another chapter or part for this..? because there needs to be.
i think, though, it should have less "-" i think it has been mentioned. everywhere i turned there was a " " " " " ..
but this is amazing.
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Well written. A look into the mind of a psychopath. Those are always fun. The feelings, scene and construction, all well done. Can´t think of anything to improve.
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Why, thank you. It's rather old, but I'm sure there's improvement to be had looking over it. Appreciate that you like it though.
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Okay, you're my kind of writer
I thoroughly enjoyed this little tale of murder and mayhem, and only came across one small error.
#8 first degree was not [what] had made me annoyed.
I'll have to check out more of your stories. I'm sure I have a few you'll like. I write about everything, but I do like twisted stories with a weird ending.
I'm never good at names myself, but I think your title is just fine.
Keep writing.
Trish
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Murder in the first degree. As in, criminally. Not man-slaughter, not a crime of passion. Just cold blooded murder. :3
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Great chapter to catch a reader's attention. =] I love how bodies, murder, death, disposal, etc. were mentioned, but not fully explained. It was mysterious and intriguing and really made me want to read more. I'm glad you entered the next two chapters of this in my contest! =D
Now for a couple criticisms. I want to give you an honest critique.
1. One thing that distracted me where the various "..." that I think were meant to indicate pauses and such. However, if you read through this you might notice that you use them quite a lot and it gets repetitive. I don't think it's a huge problem, by any means, but it DID distract me. I'll give you an example...
"Well. We'll just have to keep being careful then...won't we?" He murmured, balling my jacket into his hands.
^ That's what you wrote. If those dots were used to indicate a pause, you could also have written:
"Well, we'll just have to keep being careful, then." He paused as he balled my jacket into his hands. "Won't we?"
Basically, I'm just askin' ya to change it up a bit. =]
2. I would have made this a TAD bit longer, and made the ending have a little more impact. Maybe the last line could tie into the title or something like that.
Anywho, those are just suggestions. I really enjoyed this and I can't wait to read the next one. Great, great job.
Good luck and thanks for entering!
-jj
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This is quite good, hooked me with the first sentence ^_^ Wonderful write
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Oooh, I liked this a lot!
Lovers who kill, very nice. I like the theme and I like the narrator's perspective on things, she has spunk.
Good job and good luck in the contest!
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He, love. The narrator is a he. Of course, that becomes crystal clear in later chapters.. but.. just fyi
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You really seem to know your characters- which is a good thing. I think you have to be careful with your tenses, which can slow down the reader and take away from your piece. It's an interesting take on a pair of killers.
Thanks for entering! -
:)
nawww, it was adorable for some reason -
A Good,Clean Kill
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Ack! I know, I have such problems with my tenses! I need like a post it stuck on my laptop =/ ...
Just so as not to dissapoint you, Erin isn't really uneasy so much as completely peeved that he had to spend the day in the swamp ^^;;.. Neither of them have much of a problem with murder, or anything else illegal.
I agree that I could've added length, when I start posting a story, I just post a chapter as whereever I get done typing.. but the second draft will have them broken into more sensical parts ^^ -
Very Good Write.
Fal, this is great! Love the whole tension you build between the characters, very realistic! Clappy for that!
I also love Des' odd reasoning behind the chosen spot, very rational, makes me wonder why he's irrational enough to murder in the first place!
I do, however, think it could've been a tad longer, as nothing really happened much in this chapter. You want to end on a "deep" note.
However, I am interested in finding out why the committed crime, what will occur as a result of Erin's uneasiness, so more clappy for that.
There are, however, some tense alterations,where you alternate between past and present, so it makes the story-line a tad confusing. Other than that, nothing I could detect.
Great work, overall!
HT
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Ack! I know, I have such problems with my tenses! I need like a post it stuck on my laptop =/ ...
Just so as not to dissapoint you, Erin isn't really uneasy so much as completely peeved that he had to spend the day in the swamp ^^;;.. Neither of them have much of a problem with murder, or anything else illegal.
I agree that I could've added length, when I start posting a story, I just post a chapter as whereever I get done typing.. but the second draft will have them broken into more sensical parts ^^
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Evil Parity for Title?
This was a very good beginning...sucked me right in and made me want more. However, the main character's thoughts and actions just didn't seem 'murder capable' to me. Could just be me...who knows. Anyway, good beginning,,,,i do hope you continue passed part two... -
Good start
I feel that this is going somewhere, but I would be a little more sparing with the menacing stuff. How about "The Importance of being Erin" for a title? -
paragraph 9? is it supposed to be close? becasue closed doesn't really make sense.
love it. duh of course, i live for murder + blood and violence, as for a title, well i dunno.
but it sounds like Erin isnt happy with this, so if its in his perspective, then how about like:
"and i am doing this why?"
or "umm, is this legal?"
i dunno a random line from the story maybe. that's always cool, and usually works
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Erin's a girl right?
other then that confusion, I like it. there is little I can say about it that would help with critiquing, for there is not much to do so with, you wrote it amazingly, nice emotion. I could almost smell the smoke on Desmonds breath!
Freedom
beginning: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Nope.. Erin's a bloke.. >_>''
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oh, well you made him look like either a girl, or, from the way he acts around Des and the way you explain his emotion,... their gay. that is what I got out of it.
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Yeah, the second part goes into it more. It's not really supposed to be the focus of the story so much as a little subtext.
All of my other characters are heterosexual, but statistically I figure a few of 'em must be, yeah? =P Anyway.. ... I totally forgot what I was talking about..
Ah. right. I wouldn't call them gay .. really.. as they don't really make a habit of same-sex relationships, but I'd definitely not label them as hereto either. They just.. fit each other.. and would have even if Erin was a girl. -
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thats good. peronally I don't like homosexuality, so if they were it would probably ruin the book for me.
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Ooh very interesting! I loved the casual dialouge between the charecters after commiting a murder. Desmond is an an perfectly creepy charecter, and Erin, while underdeveloped in this little snippet, looks like she has the pontential to become a very interesting charecter. Great to see you writing again!
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( i can't think of a name either, sorry! )
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Hmm, this was a very interesting read. I really liked how you wrote the dialogue and interaction between your characters, and how they came across really nicely. The story flowed really well, and the descriptions were subtle but just right. Really enjoyed this and the mystery within it really leaves the reader hanging. Well done.
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It was very good! o.o i loved it.. couldnt stop readin it. ^^ Great job! Keep up the good work. =D
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Hi there,
A few scattered thoughts:
I noticed a few instances of over-telling (yeah, that cliche advice to show, not tell). For example, at the beginning "My lips curled in disgust" - is the "in disgust" really necessary? What I mean is, the fact that lips curl up because of a smell and the dialogue says that there is fetid flesh scent involved, should be enough to make "in disgust" redundant.
Another instance is in the line "Though my cuffs are rolled up to my elbows, the edges of them are stained a dingy brown." Why the "though"? It contradicts nothing and might be more straightforward to just go ahead and say "The edges of the rolled up cuffs are stained a dingy brown."
Seems to focus more on the image in the alternate version. My philosophy: if a word isn't directly aiding the story, it should be kicked to the curb.
All that aside, I enjoyed the short piece, the details, the focus on making the dialogue seem natural and the internal dialogue of the character. That all made the piece more real to me - real and gripping, heheh. very nice.
Good luck writing (and revising if you so choose)!
Nocturne
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Ah, I defintely see what cha mean about the disgust, it should be axed..
But the 'Though'... I meant that.. Even though his sleeves were rolled up, the edges still got mucky.. so I don't think it'd carry the same meaning without it.. thanks much for the comment ^^ -
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Oh, I missed the overall meaning of the "though". Now that you explained it, it makes sense.
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you better add more, that was good! i likey.... srry, i have no idea for a title right now....... i will tell you if i come up with one though..... good job!
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This piece was very intriguing. It was well-written, and very gripping. As much as not all that much happens, per se, it holds your interest. Captivating descriptions, but I'd like to know more. It was clever to lead the reader on in such a way that we can deduce what's going on, but I'd really love to see this continued. (: Keep it up!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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good
well-written piece. I gathered from the story that Desmond is a writer of crime. It reads like a prologue to a much longer story. Are you going to write more on this? Remember a story has to have a beginning, middle and end. I felt this story started at the middle. Could have a little more meat at the beginning. Maybe actually have them killing someone.
All in all I enjoyed this snippet. Your descritptions of the two characters are excellent.
Good Job! Keep on writing!
Sincerely,
IGW
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