Excerpt of my life part one.( letter to an ex trying to regain her affection)

April 9, 2008 1

4:22pm – 9:12pm2

( the entire time)3

No no no. All wrong. I will reply. You can not stop me. I can’t stand you. I can’t stand knowing our past and seeing you leave. It doesn’t fit. It never has. The notes read ……sometimes I wish I could give them all back so you could read them again, and tell me this ending fits. It doesn’t match the story. Love you? I don’t know what I do now. You’re there in the back of my mind. A thought I keep suppressing. Won’t let myself think of you. I hate when I have been for hours but haven’t noticed. Get over you? Hardest task I’m facing. I try not to think of it. I’m walking blind through the halls. Music turned up. (usually savage garden) Do you hate how you can turn up the music, but it doesn’t make them go away? You’re walking by crowds, welled with emotion. But there’s only silence to them when you walk by? Sometimes I wish they could hear what I am…….. Sometimes I wish you could feel what I do. Alone in my room listening to your CD’s on my computer Typing this. 4:22 pm. I’ve been waiting all day for this moment. Since 11:30am. I feel helpless you know. Like a message board gone wrong. My computer froze, you’re still typing and I can’t stop you from believing I don’t care to answer back. I can’t summarize a feeling properly. I can’t make you believe I tell you what’s really there. These notes seem pointless from me to you. I’m trying to reach into your heart, but I found A lock I lost the key to. I can’t pry it open, can’t break in. I use to have the key. I lost it. I’ve been retracing my steps, trying to find it on some dusty path. I found the path, it’s dark, and hard to see. Sometimes I think I’ve found it. But it proves to be a fake. And these fakes have been breaking this lock. I fear if I find the right key, It still wouldn’t work, due to the damage. I stare into the mirror late at night, I still don’t know the person staring back. Will I ever? Distressed, I just look away. Like everyone else. At night, I have to stop the thoughts. I’ve never been so focused on the future and scared to look back at the past, for fear I might never be able to look away again. That’s why I had to put all of your stuff away. (5.6 lbs ) The more I kept seeing it, the longer it kept me back . No more emotional drownings for me. I haven’t cried a day since we talked last. I can’t find a reason to. I cry, you say “goodbye” I stop, and you still say “goodbye”. Ample hands of mine, Tied behind my back. I can’t fight it. Can’t loosen the binds. So they are now just a part of me, with you. I wrote you a poem….I’ll just type it here4

I saw her in the mirror5

That stood back across the room6

I saw her, and I looked away7

Did I looked away too soon8

Others walked by, but I remained9

Stood still, afraid to look, afraid to move10

Moments passed minutes seemed to lapse11

And I stood, holding ground true12

People tried to talk to me, I wouldn’t look them in the eyes13

Scared I’d see her again, all my feelings compromised14

I looked up with quick courage, glanced back across the room15

There the mirror stood, No image of you….16

My eyes darted desperately into the crowd17

I listened for your voice, but the room stayed too loud18

I found my self questioning….19

I found myself alone, in that crowded room20

Though I made every effort to seem not to21

My heart chilled22

Pulse slowed23

I would have been okay24

But there’s just one thing I’ll remember for the rest of my life, for everyday25

I saw her in the mirror26

Standing there, that girl I once knew27

I saw her standing there28

And I saw she saw me too29

I felt those eyes like arrows across my heart30

And I saw her look down31

And I saw the frown 32

And I saw her lips part33

It was just a moment34

It was just a glance35

But I saw the words form36

I saw them fall37

I couldn’t ignore what I saw38

It was…………………….39

“goodbye”.40

Was that all she said41

Or did I look away too soon?42

It’s not very good. I wrote it on a quick feeling that passed walking from 4th to 5th . I thought It’d be amazing for being written on such a spur. It’s okay. I still can’t seem to write what I feel the right way. More CD’s. I don’t understand. You say “goodbye” ……..in the strangest ways. You say goodbye, with a bang. You say goodbye, like it meant something. I like that. The CD’s hold you back though. The sentiment is blurred with the motives. What are the meanings of these Cd’s? What are you trying to do? What do you want me to feel? What are you trying to say? And why must you say it this way? Saturday’s phone call, explained it all to me. It’s why I didn’t call back when I had the chance to. I didn’t know what to say……what do you say, what do you do, when it’s “over”. You could walk away…..you could stay, in the shadows of course, my path is blurred. Everything deep inside screams for you, screams for you to touch me, for you to say the words I feel sometimes I’ll die if I don’t hear. And I have to suppress it. March 1st. Bane of my existence. It kills me, that it was on me. It kills me I said words I didn’t mean…………. kills me, that I was in control of the outcome. I take the medicine you give me in unhealthy doses. Thanks to you, I now understand Avril’s Songs. They were only melodies a while back. Now they’re weapons of mass destruction. 43

Don’t tell me you’d be okay, if someone did this to you. Are they songs to keep me in my place?........You keep pushing that thought of me away, so you won’t get hurt. You’ve decided not to go back, you’ve come this far, lost so much in the process, you’re not taking chances. Maybe You’ve even wanted to say yes sometimes. But you’re so deadset. That you will never let yourself. And I think It hurts. That you have to say no, to something, you actually want….but you don’t want it….but you do. You want that one part in it….the part you’ve been trying to find, cause you know it’s in there, you saw it once, and you can’t all the way convince yourself that it was all a lie. That could rip you apart, on small levels. Because you won’t let it really get in. There’s a wall across your eyes. There’s a lock across your heart. Is there anywhere I can get in?.............. Nope. You closed yourself off pretty damn good. I’m the plague at your doorsteps I’m the memories you can’t all the way let go of. I’m that promise you once so badly believed in. Maybe just the thought in your daydreams, you “almost” lose yourself in……but you open your eyes to chase it all away, curse the moment of weakness. But how long were you out? Seconds? Minutes? How many? Ha….Or maybe it’s just me that happens to. Do you like to hurt? I don’t anymore. Your CD’s are like the slit across the fore arm. It hurts, you don’t sometimes know why you did it, it can’t kill you, but you let it bleed all the way out. Not this much Kailey. No. Feel these words. Feel the depth. Feel that someone you wouldn’t waste your time on couldn’t write the way I do. I can’t even remember…….I’m writing a auto biography you know…….there’s an excerpt….about us….. It was the last thing that made me cry that day. Simple words too. I didn’t think they’d hit so hard. They can’t hit you though. 44

(EXCERPT)45

“My next is recent. Split just last month. She turned around December for me. We meant, via strange circumstances and a now lost friends intervention. I was still caught up in the turmoil of my last relationship, couldn’t believe it was over, for once, for real. Well, she came into my life, very into me from the start. Can’t understand why. We’d never really talked before. She was cute, okay beautiful, and I mean it. She brought a new hope to me. A new light, a new chance for something right. The perfect opportunity. I didn’t really take it. But she liked me. Most people do at first. Nothing new. But she was there so fast. We kissed at the end of the same week we had meant. I was looking out a window by a set of hallway doors. Out side my forth period. (After school of course.) School had been out almost two hours. We’d been talking since. I was nervous. I wore a necklace around me neck back then, with this symbol made of some kind of cheap metal….50 cents…candy machine, ha, cheap, but everybody wants one. I have good cheap style. Maybe I’ll wear it tomorrow. She got close to me. Sent my body into panic. She used the necklace to get close. I forget what she said, but she got close to lift it off my neck to look at it. I was scared. Scared she’d kiss me. I had been hiding over by those windows. She knew. I was very shy. I can’t remember everything. How it all came to be. But I think I turned to leave. I think she called me back. I turned back. It was 3:38 pm she’d later tell me.. I was unsure how I’d feel having a different set of lips against mine. Yes I had before…but this girl….she didn’t seem like everyone else. We kissed, she backed away, thinking it’d be quick, I leaned in more. Then realized this wasn’t her plan. I quickly backed off. I remember feeling so embarrassed, I remember saying sorry. She said “don’t be sorry” That night she wrote to me how shocked she was with what I said. The words “Wow” took up a full sentence. I remembered how two days before she had wrote that she’d almost kissed me then, or at least wanted to. And how those words hit me. Like it was the first time again. We weren’t even together yet. But that was the style I had been use to. Half way into the next week, we were. The beginnings of her and I …are memories that will always haunt me. It was perfect. It was so easy. I let it fall through my fingers. She was love too. But I didn’t realize the extent until it was too late. The last time we kissed was the day before the last day I’d see her before she went to rehab. It was really the last time there was an us. I didn’t know that then. I can’t even remember how that last kiss felt, I thought there’d be so many more…”46

The red hurts to read. I literally bawled after I wrote it. You said you loved me. You said you do. You said back then….that no one made you feel this way. Don’t mistake my recaps for a method of manipulation btw, I don’t want it to sound like that to you…it just seems to, seems to sound sneering and sarcastic. Please know that I write this with a hollow feel, not an “ emotionless” hollow. But with a melancholy blind walk, secretly hoping I’ll hit something in you, pretending it’s not my motive…then again I can’t find a believable motive, for why I’ve been writing this for the past two hours. I’m always one to foolishly be found holding out some hope in a desolate land. That’s when you can call me an idiot. And you’ll be more than justified.47

You’re always quick to tell me not to forget this was my fault. I can’t forget Kailey. That’s Goddamn impossible. And when I’m done taking it out on myself, I fight you on the fact that you won’t give me a second chance. But you’re so quick, telling me you didn’t start this, I was the fuck-up here. And that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about right now, right here. When I’m telling you, you weren’t the only one hurt by me. I was hurt by me too. You just happened to be the first. I have this chip on my shoulder you’ll never let me forget, I have this shadow I can’t run from. A past I can’t forget. You act like I haven’t locked myself up in my room too, like I haven’t cut over this, like I haven’t cried, and all those tears you heard, were fake. I couldn’t breath I was crying so hard kailey. I couldn’t breath, and I was still trying to talk, I was still trying to close the void I put through you. You act…like I’m……inhuman, when It comes to remorse, when it comes to depression. I can’t be lying. I can’t peel these scars off. I can’t make them disappear, They’re just as real as yours. Did I ever lie to you? Is there anyone who hasn’t. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t put together yet. I’m 17. There are answers I will find when I’m 30 that I wish I had now, and there are answers I will never find. So did I lie? About what? Loving you? No. I loved you when I said it. It was still new, still playing with the word on my tongue, hadn’t used it for a while. It was young, I was closed off, I was suppressing what I felt for you at the time. It was an akward stage. It wasn’t intense It was one day I went to sleep with you on my mind, the next I woke up with you still there, I saw you that day, and something felt different. And I called that love. Was it? Yes. The early stage. That wss in January. We only made it to the middle of February really. But It grew by the day. And then you were gone. And I attacked what I had been building with doubt that maybe this could change everything, and in a lot of ways it did. It gave you time to find yourself, it gave me time to begin a breakdown. CD #1 down. Next…..48

It’s 6:50, I’ve been locked in here for 2 hours and 20 minutes straight. Why is song one on “very” not screaming “over” or “gone”? the word love is in here way too much. Oh, nevermind, song two. That says it all. Makes up for one. Evenesence. It’s all “ you would be here with me, you want me, come find me, make up your mind” Now, poorly choosen for this lyric. Do I want you…hmmm…comefind you, for what, Your songs contradict sometimes. Oh, I only want it cause it’s over?.......No, cause if you ( parallel universe) got back with me ( Totally farfetched, don’t even think of it being real. Talk about Taboo) I’d still want you. Oooh, sometimes I wish you had some free time and an open mind. Like to show you something, like to show you my broken barriers on everything. But THAT would, be manipulative. Could work……could be perfect. I say words, you can’t look into my eyes to find the truth in, I have feelings I can’t show, I have wants I can’t demonstrate. In person…….You’d believe every word. I’m just a voice over the phone to you, I’m just the writing on the paper, un-expressed with gestures or movement. Track for you, Rotc for me. I will always be that voice over the phone if I call. I’ll always be that “ could have been” You probably know how that feels, you understand things, I wouldn’t think you would. So imagine what I see. The unhappiness in someone’s life, a struggle they had to deal with, a pain that hurt them. A problem to all their friends. That’s who I am. I put you through things I had no right to, and things I didn’t even mean to, but what we’re looking at here is that I did, and the effect it had. You can only put it on me, and keep it there sooo long. Let go of it. I‘ve hurt enough, understand that. I’ve felt bad, and I’ve felt shamed by my actions long enough Kailey. I lost so much weight because of it, then I gained so much weight because of it! I ate all spring break long! Gained 12 pounds. Oh no….but yes I did, got 5 pounds of it gone already, but damn. I have gone through all the motions of feeling TRULY SORRY . Look at me! Just look, go find a picture of me, or something, recent would be best so never mind…. I wish you could look at me, I wish you could, do a lot, that you won’t. I wish you would love me like you did. I wish you would give me time in person like I said….I wish……Kayla wasted all the time she had in person with you , every time she went to your house, every time she texted you, every phone call, but those moments in person…..is where it counts. I could do more in 5 minutes that you wouldn’t believe. Alone, I wouldn’t even be seductive in any way, and I could, I could change a lot, show you the reality in these words, with a proper voice, with a proper catalyst for them to flow from, I could move fucking mountains. But there’s you, and that pride and that love for yourself you won’t break for me. I think you love me. Yeah, like that. Do you. Or is it, wishful thinking? Probably the later……but maybe. Ohhhhhhhh I want to say these words to you. I want you to see me say them! It’s getting so dark, that I can’t seee the keyboard! 7:31, I haven’t stopped since ( scrolls up)49

4:22pm! Wow. I am obviously out to hurt you. You waste your time making me CD’s That say “go away” but then again….”damn I really wanted this to work…….” I waste my time writing you this, for NO motive ( what so ever) ( yeah right…….) And all of that…it screams something, that I won’t tell you. Cause I’m wrong to think it, and I’m wrong to “almost” believe it. Now, let’s write back to your note!50

This whole “this is it”, this is YOUR decision Not to believe me. This is your choice to go separate ways. I have never wanted this. Not once. I said it first, didn’t meanit, we’ve been over that. So many have said “ I thought you could change…” It’s a “ stab to the heart” every time. No body can say that enough to me. For it not to hurt. You tell me, you love me so much, but you can’t. Because you will not trust me. Is it easier not to trust me? Is it easier to say “ Damn it I love you…..but……I just can’t be with you” That sounds like the hardest thing to say to me. To lose absolute hope. Now stop, stop, these words here, are not attacks, they are questions, I can’t believe that you answer with yes. I mean not at all to attack you, swear to god. I want to make you think, I want something to hit you! I want that lock…I want it to weaken, just a little bit. I’ll write you 100 pages. 100, if I could just put the smallest crack in it, I would do these things, I would do many things…..except you….you will still say “no”. You will still not believe. And nothing will be enough. And I am condemned to my past with you. Unable to move, because you won’t budge. The weights are heavy, and it’s hard to look at you, even when you don’t know I can see you. When I look at you, I see I see….so much, that I could never have, promise, hope. locked away for good. Miserable feeling that is. You probably know all too well. Are you tired of my excuses. Tired I have some justification for all these things I do, and for the things I don’t, I just have sorry? Does that make you mad? I’m not saying it does, it really is a question. “because you said no” that’s your answer. All I can pull from you. Because you said so. Everything’s past tense. I push-ed. But I’m not pushing anymore. Maybe I am like Kayla. We both are confused and persistent. That’s all I see. We’re kind of cool now, btw, her and I . not friends, but “get along:” I still take offence to being compared though. So what’s this “ you swore you loved me…” Did I ever take it back or something. Did you really think I was like…maybe……hmm….on to CD 3 ( switched) 51

Oh NO you did not just do the “ it’s too late to apologize” song. That is cold! Amelia did that to me too! OUCH KAILEY I hate that song……. Back to the topic. Stop making yourself believe things that are not true. Why else would I be writing this? To get in your pants. Ooohhhh yeah, that’s my big plan. Fuck that. I don’t care If we never get close to what happened in February again. I said, I loved you, for nothing more, than to let you know how I felt. There is not a thing I can do. And you’re probably right. Following those idea’s you think makes you a better person, a future more promising. Yes, there is not a thing I can do. Because you will never read this with the vulnerability necessary to understand. I’m not such the plague you see. “ I have reasons, a lot get over it.” You’re so bull headed in your thinking. Don’t be “ let love in” come on, you’re a music fanatic, you should believe in that. “ except listen and read” what, my friend, is the point for both? Listen to words that do not flow, that are so set, so harsh, so raw, so wrong? Music, that has a contradiction, conflict of your heart and your senses. Why? It’s been four hours STRAIGHT, that I’ve been typing this now. Then you use words like “ darling” but that’s just your personality. Doesn’t mean a thing. You hope I follow every hope and dream? Honestly, not being dramatic, that’s just not possible. The military is where I belong. It will be my home, as track is yours at times. It is what I must do. It’s all I’ve got actually.52

Sooo….53

You will not be in that hallway after third, you say that, put I never see you. And what will I say, hello. Saying one word to you, when I have a whole book of words for you…..It leaves me feeling empty and anxious. “come to you” I don’t want to talk to you on the phone, maybe you can understand. You’re the first person I couldn’t change. Meet me sometime before summer, Meet me, when there’s no track, no friends in the way, meet me when it’s just you. Meet me down some hall way, walk with me, talk with me. I can’t lie, Ugh! You know …I love you, but won’t admit it ever again. But I want to be nice, and tell you, that you’re an idiot. In the nicest way possible. I mean it. Don’t be sorry it all turned out like this. One, It was, my fault. And two, you can change this. Though you won’t. To damn set in your ways. We will be fine. I have no problem with you. Friends? Hmmmmmmm I want to be, even you know, you find me interesting. Yes? ( heavy sigh) Well, you have your reasons. “ I will remember you” that’s on here. OMG. You’re the one being dramatic about this now. It makes NO since, not to be with someone, when you don’t have to not be with them. I don’t know what to say anymore. It’s 8:50pm. My back hurts, I’m coming down with carpel tunnel syndrome. I’m so tired too. Did I tell you Jrotc won’t exist anymore next year/ Yeah, It’s shutting down. Did I tell you I might move over the summer? Did I tell you Jrotc is a huge part of my life, and it’s ending? Did I tell you I need you? Did I tell you I will always wait, even though I feel you will never come back to me? Do you know what that means???? It means I never lied about loving you, It means I’m not so negative, It shows I will be strong, it shows I will make myself worth it to a girl who won’t notice. You could write a song about this, you cou;d do a lot with this, you could think about this. You could re-think this. You…. You could kiss me, for the last time, I’d really like to know how that last kiss feels. With you.54

And now I’m an idiot for thoughts like these. Reading a note that gently says “ sorry, but no” Listening to hours of unstopped music, that tells me “ get a life, move on, it’s gone.”55

I won’t chase you, I won’t write to you, ( unless you write back to this, or write me ) I won’t even look at you. But I decided something tonight. I’m not going to get over you. 56

I had a crush on krystyna for all that time, it didn’t rip me apart, it didn’t trip me up. So I will find this small secret place in my heart, and I will tuck you away in there, even if it dies with me in 70 years. And you can look at that and think, it’s a waste of time, waste of space, because you know what you want and, it’s just not me. And that’s fine. And who knows…..I turn 28 in 11 years. Maybe. But it’s just maybe. But I believe. Why? Because honestly….no one gets over me that fast. If you see me walk by, and you’re alone, you’ll always look. Amelia still does, and the look in her eyes is not always harsh., not love of course for her, but something remains. Maybe one day, that “something” will catch up with you. And maybe If I’m lucky, you’ll find yourself in- love with me. ….I can’t believe you’re using SWR songs against me….. (lol) Take this letter the right way. I really like it, I hope you do. You can re-read over and over, it’s so exciting! It’s 9:00 . Damn. 5 hours. I’ve done nothing but write to you since I got home. Like I said, take this the right way. God I really want to touch you, you have a song on here……the last song on last. It stops me so fast, It’s a huge weakness. Open your heart to the words. Please. And If they do not sway you, then I’m worse than I thought. Either I really REALLY fucked up with you. Or my writing sucks. I kind of hope it’s the first…..Because I really love how I write. Goodbye ( MAYBE smirk smirk) ( Because it’s never really goodbye, it never is) ( but this time it could be……oh damn) ( don’t think about it!!!!!) Hey, to end this, let me ask you something. When you hear a teacher whistle down the hallway, tell me……do you think of me?57