The secretary of Carsa City prided on living in a perfectly normal town. She was perfectly happy, and so was everybody else.1
In front of her office, located on the fifth floor of City Hall, there stood two stone lions, one gray and one white. One of these stone lions concealed a passageway -- but this was kept secret from the entire town, and the secretary seemed to be the only being who knew about it.2
One day, early in the morning, after kissing her husband good-bye and heading down to her office in her new, dark blue car, she happened to see some people dressed in strange costumes such as masks, scarves, cloaks, and other pieces of clothing that were more likely to be seen around halloween; several were clustered in little groups, muttering to one another. Surprised, the secretary stopped the car for a few moments. It was the first of August and bound to be stifling hot, and yet these people were wearing Halloween costumes? Olivia didn't stop for too long, but went on her way again, since she didn't want to be late for work.3
Just then, a round of "Fur Elise" could be heard throughout the car. Fumbling for her cell phone, the car's occupant snapped it open and said,4
"Hello?"5
“Olivia, I’ve got a problem on my hands!” Olivia jumped and held the phone away from her ear. The person on the other end, clearly the mayor, Mr. Thorze, was shouting at the top of his lungs over a baby who was crying in the background. “A woman dressed in a red hooded cloak just rushed in, holding a baby, and she just pushed it into my hands for absolutely no reason! I haven't the foggiest idea how to care for a baby, and it’s screaming so loudly I can barely hear myself! Come as quickly as possible, and get a few baby bottles if you will!”6
“What?" Olivia cried. "How'd she get past security?"7
"I don't know, either, now JUST GET OVER HERE!"8
"I'M ON MY WAY!” shouted Olivia in reply. A flower-seller* selling roses looked around in alarm. Grumbling, Olivia turned left instead of right to get some bottles for the baby, her brain whirring disconcertedly. The words “hooded cloak” had caused her to jump and nearly drop the phone. She’s one of them, she thought forebodingly. Why is she showing herself? In the mayor's office?9
As she walked into Mr. Thorze’s office, holding the baby bottles, she was faced with a hassled mayor, huddled in a corner, who was in the process of trying to tame a howling baby and was not making much progress. But what had really caught her attention, however, was the woman lying next to his desk, apparently unconscious. She had apparently fainted and was unmistakably wearing a red hooded cloak. Disgusted, Olivia stepped over the body toward the mayor. She dumped the baby bottles on his desk to get Mr. Thorze's attention. He looked up, finally noticing her.10
“HERE!” He shoved the howling baby into Olivia's arms and plopped down into an armchair to rest and wipe his sweaty brow.11
Surprised, Olivia caught the baby and deliberately stuck a bottle into her mouth, so that the baby couldn't cry, but instead suckle on the bottle. Mr. Thorze watched, his mouth agape.12
"Where did you learn to do something like that?" he asked in awe.13
"Oh, there were lots of crying babies like this in the orphanage where I grew up," Olivia replied, not taking her eyes off the baby.14
Suddenly the woman on the floor stirred. She’s coming back, thought Olivia, relieved. And about time, too, as she continued to nurse the infant.15
The woman stood up and smiled wearily as she looked around at her surroundings before speaking to the two. She was not much taller than the secretary, but she looked as if she had not eaten for days: her bones were starting to show through, and there were circles under eyes.16
“This is my daughter, Hope Burne,” she said, referring to the baby girl that was cradled snugly in Olivia’s arms. Olivia thought her Chinese accent sounded familiar for some reason. “Please, take good care of her. Someday, when she grows up... when she understands things better... when things change for us, I will come back for her.”17
She straightened and sighed deeply, tears starting to stream from her dark brown eyes down her pale cheeks; suddenly, Olivia and Mr. Thorze realized that smoke was coming out from between the folds of her cloak, and pretty soon, the smoke turned into flames around her. Panicking, the mayor and secretary rushed around, looking for some water to splash over her. By the time the mayor deduced that milk would be a good substitute for water, the woman had already disappeared, leaving nothing behind except for a few black ashes on the once clean wooden floor.18
Olivia and Mr. Thorze stared at each other, completely bewildered.19
"I can't believe it!" Mr. Thorze spluttered. "A mom abandoning her own child? And what in God's name was that all about? The smoke coming from nowhere, the flames eating her up, the crying baby, Hope's mom vanishing, and I have a report on water pollution due next Wednesday, which I haven't even started yet! Being a mayor is very nerve-wracking." He sighed, sat down at his desk, and started rummaging for pencils and a piece of blank paper.20
Suddenly, Olivia remembered something. She was one of them. I... but... the woman wanted us to take care of her.... Well... why don’t I adopt her? Yes... of course, that’s a great idea! With luck, I might take that part out of her! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?21
“Mr. Thorze, why don’t I keep the girl?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. Mr. Thorze looked mildly surprised.22
“You? Keep the girl? Hmmm..." He contemplated the matter while staring absent-mindedly at Olivia before continuing, "Well, I suppose that’s all right.” He ran his fingers through his light brown hair slowly a few times before adding, “As long as you take care of her and don’t dump her somewhere.”23
“Oh, don’t worry. I won’t,” Olivia promised. She opened her mouth and was on the verge of adding something, but then decided against it. “She’ll be in good hands. Trust me.” She smiled nervously and turned her back on him to leave his office.24
As Olivia stroked Hope’s inky hair that night, she wondered whether she should have told Mr. Thorze her suspicions about Hope. No, she reassured herself. This way, I won’t have to do so much explaining, and anyway, maybe Hope’ll never find out about her being a... that. Besides, why would he have to know?
Author notes
thx danie for all the help u've given me!!
i've moved story sites!!
~>forward to the next chapter
~>forward to chapter 2?
~>forward to chapter 3?
~>forward to chapter 4?
*um... u know those ppl who stand around selling stuff? what r they called?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Ok, this is really really good! I found a few awkward places though, so I'll point them out:
Paragraph 7 is a little awkward, perhaps too rushed and the 'whatnot' doesn't really help with description. Split this up into two, maybe three paragraphs and give us a lot more description. Also, the line where she moved on was a bit oddly done. I think you need to give a reason why she moved on, like she was going to be late for work or something.
Paragraph 13, I think it should say 'shouted' or something after the mayor's line, to make it clear instantly who's speaking..
Paragraph 21 had awkardness with the alliteration 'process' 'progress'. Because he is in the process of trying to calm it down, but failiing to make progress, these sound a little odd next to each other. Chooseing a different verb for either would make it fine. There's also a repetition of apparently which intereferes with the flow of the story.
Paragraph 31: 'She's coming back'... I don't know, but I've never heard this phrase for someone waking up from unconsciousness. Maybe that's just where I'm from but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
Right, done with the evil bad stuff, now, compliments! I loved your characters, even in such an early stage. The mayor is very well drawn out, with nice little hints at how he reacts in many different situations. The baby is sweet despite the screaming. I'm not overly sure about Olivia yet, but since she's the main character (or seems to be) it's fine that I don't know a lot about her, because it gives me something to find out about in the rest of the story. You've got a really good flow throughout most of the story, and my attention was caught and held right from the beginning. Superbly written, and very good vocabulary selections throughout. I'd like a little more character descriptions, but I liked how you started by portraying the house for the readers; very nice little touch. All in all, an excellently written and catching read! Superb job here! Keep it up!
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OH... MY... GOSH...
Thank you SOOOOO much! Of all the reviewers i have ever seen/witnessed, u are definitely the best and most detailed! ^^ i would DEFINITELY give 100 stars if i could!
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Fyregirl.I have no idea of what is going on yet. But right on. This story is great and great. When are you going to edit the next chapter. Isn't Hope going to grow up or something. ANd when you write the book, are you going to make a thank you page to the people who were the model idea for each character as in Grace for Rose later on. And this is shadowgirl224 also known as ''anirakana'' . Contact me.
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gr8 idea!
lol probably, ana, but right now, i'm still stuck on the 2nd chapter...
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hi sis! love ur story! i bet urs will be better than mine tho
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Very Good Write.
Line 56 "prided on living a perfectly normal town" needs an "in" after "living".
Very intriguing storyline, and I'd definitely read more. Tell me when you post more...
Something that I didn't like too much was the calmness here. You have random people bursting into flames, and a baby left behind. It should be a lot more hysterical considering it as the mayor's office. Also, how did the woman just get into the mayor's office? You need to show how she walked through security.
Other than that, this is a great story and I look forwards o the next chapter! Your writing style is great, which is a relief after reading so many others.
Also, 3rd person POV is the hardest form of writing too! So extra kudos on that. 
-HT
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thx! :D
i've just edited it. idk if it's hysterical enough, tho...
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brave move, honorable efforts
writing is an opportunity to manipulate the reader. Think of them as blind and brain dead. You start out by turning the lights on for them and sharpening their vision. Then you turn in the sound for them. Then you inject ideas into their head. Don't allow the reader to think. You tell them what to think. They just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Tell the reader what they are looking at, tell them what they are hearing, tell them what they are smelling, you get the idea...
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Ve-ery much like Harry Potter, Sarah.
love it. I think a little thing that bugged me is that we don't know whats behind the frst gargoyle- You could say something like:
The first gargoyle had a surveiellance camera hidden in its mouth to detect theft from the building. But the second gargoyle held more than that. -
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ooohhhh...
hey, that's a gr8 idea btw lizzy! thx a lot for ur positive feedback! oh, and nice try trying to hide from me XD
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Well done! I do hope you can return to it and continue...it sounds like a good idea! Very good job with this...i liked the start the best. Enjoyed!
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Good Start
This seems like a good start, but a little more detail wouldn't hurt. I don't see anything wrong with the name of the mayor or city. I have no idea where you might go with this. The people in hoods and the secret passage are interesting.
Welcome to Storywrite.
Andy
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