She was that girl who everyone went to for help. She was always a shoulder to lean on, an ear to talk to, and a word of advice. She always wore a smile, and was seen as a happy girl.1
She sat on the bus one Tuesday afternoon. A light drizzle began to fall and she traced the path of the drops with her eyes. She sat a few rows ahead of where her friends were, but found them to still be audible. Sitting alone, she leaned on the bus's cool wall with her knees pulled close to her chest. Relaxed, she watched the rain as she mouthed the words along with her headphones. It was one of the only times she felt calm. She had no stresses, no cares, no problems to deal with and no thoughts invading her. She was free to feel empty. A desire she didn't attain often.2
Her eyes fluttered shut and she drifted into a lazy nap. The sleep was light and brief, filled with the sounds of music and rain, her two favorite things. She flitted in and out of the state of consciousness until she felt a consistent tapping on her knee. She opened her eyes to find one of her friends leaning heavily on her bent knees. Her emptiness was filled, the void gone.3
Her friend continued tapping her knee lightly until she pulled the headphones out of her ears and was brought back to the loud, jumbled conversations of the bus. She smiled a quick, sleepy, half smile and tried to focus on the other human being laying on her knees. She listened with all her heart, letting the boy's problem fill her up. She took it all in, every detail, and gave a smile, a comforting word and tidbits of advice with every pause. 4
She told him everything would be alright, that she'd help him get through it all, and she'd always be there for him. Satisfying the boy, and fulfilling her own purpose, the boy walked back to the louder group of children with a smile.5
Trying to fade back into sleep, she felt more taps, and heard the soft mumble of voices through the melodies playing through her ears. The large clump of friends had relocated to around her seat. With unseen reluctance, she plucked herself out of her world of emptiness and readied her sweetest smile. Jumping into the enthusiastic chatter, she let everyone see the happy girl they knew.6
She comforted him, hugged her, smiled with them, resolved their issue, brought her to her senses, gave him a tug back to earth, told this one there was hope, let he and she cry on her. She took on their burdens, caught their falling tears, and held each one of their hands as they poured out their souls. She was the one who would take the blame. She would feel the guilt for all their issues. She would put them first.7
She would make it better.8
That's her lie. That's what you see. You see her smile, you see her laugh, but you don't know that the thousand shards of her life are full of pain and hurt. Loss and misery. She is breaking underneath that peachy smile.9
Truthfully, she's craving emptiness. Truthfully, all she wants is to be rid of the stresses. Truthfully, she goes home and cries for hours because there's things she can't do, problems she can't solve, people she can't help. And truthfully, she's one of them. One of the ones she can't help, the ones who are beyond advice, and phony smiles. She's the only one that she can't deal with.10
Truthfully, she wishes she didn't care.11
Her friend sits down next to her as the bus quiets down.12
"What's wrong?" He asks, "you've looked kind of sad."
"Nothing," she responds with faux cheeriness, "I'm great."
To herself she adds, maybe I'll have time to smile next month... Maybe.13
And truthfully... No one would ever know how much she was hurting.
Author notes
This was so much better before it got erased.. *Sigh*
For contest: I don't have a best friend. (:
- I Didnt Sew The Stitches group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Problems in Our Lives by Adelaide Blood.
175 points, ended July 4, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
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Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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taht was great. I know a lot of people like this where they listen to others problems... letting their own fall into the shadows of their heart. Why did the story get erased? I think that this was great anyway. short and to the point.. yet fulfilling in the same way. Excellent job
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Thanks. (:
I don't know why it got erased, but, prior to posting, my original of this piece was erased.
I was so upset.
So much better...
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Hi Benign,
A computer shutdown gobbled up my last comment, but here's my attempt to recreate it, with a few added thoughts.
I'll take you at your word that you're interested in some honest critique and just go down a few points that came to me as I read. To be brutally honest, the beginning did nothing for me - the first paragraph was a bland summary of who this girl was and the first sentence had a grammar error (albeit most people don't worry about the difference between whom and who and it can easily slide as done deliberately to keep the read "informal").
My main bother was the informative way I was told about the main character, really. Here, the story is "telling" rather than "showing" to use the old writing advice cliche. Perhaps it would be more of a hook for the story to open up with a scene that depicts though an example how she was this happy girl, and how everyone depended on her? See, when I'm told something like this, I nod, and shrug, and honestly don't care. But if I'm shown how something is, how she acts, speaks, interacts, I can imagine myself there - and that makes me care. A reader is a fickle creature who won't make an extra effort to imagine a story. He must be coaxed with words.
One of the easiest mistakes to make in writing (I know from my own stories) is to assume that the reader will somehow automatically sense the vivid and interesting world you can see in you mind. But a reader reads words, not minds. Throughout the story, this continues to be one of my main issues with the piece.
Also, outside of that, I noticed that sometimes the sentences shifted subjects in a way that was confusing to a reader, though yes, I could pick through the sentences. For example:
"Satisfying the boy, and fulfilling her own purpose, the boy walked back to the louder group of children with a smile."
She satisfied the boy, fulfilled her own purpose, and then it seems that the boy was the one satisfying "her own" purpose. "The boy walked back...smile" is the main subject and the other two parts are him doing them...except they're not. I've seen this several times in the story and while the reader can make his way through it, it grinds the read to a jerking halt, distracting from the story. Something to be aware of.
Final writerly note would be about the repetition of "truthfully" in the last few paragraphs. I feel this was done to stress the point, but I'm not sure if it helps more than harms. It's something to consider.
I also wondered about something -- she is described as self-sacrificing and attentive to everyone, comforting, a near saint. Yet the tone in which the descriptions are offered is nearly bitter and sarcastic. This is revealed to be because she isn't happy. But the reader isn't give any reasons why she isn't happy - not concrete ones. Neither is the reader offered any explanation as to what made her so altruistic, willing to comfort and console at a snap of the fingers. Yes, it's described as part of who she is, but without any backstory or contextual explanation, it just seems like random sainthood, and I, not being a saint, can't relate to her at all. I know what it's like to offer yourself, offer kind words, even at own expense, but I have my own skeletons that define my behavior. That makes me real.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like to see her made real. Her motivations and reasons defined in a concrete way. Otherwise, I feel that this is almost a personal journal/rant about how no one understands. (Make the reader understand. )
Often, the reader can be pulled into a story that has concrete imagery, snapshots of the situation, vivid description and dialogue (rather than summaries of dialogue). I noticed you used dialogue at the end, and it really helped bring home the issue. I liked that.
I hope my thoughts are some useful. Good luck writing (and revising if you so choose)!
Keep typing,
Solidarity
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Thank you very much for that. I really do appreciate the honesty, and the opinions you give are things that I really should work on. Thanks so much.
-Sarah.
P.S. Not so sure I'm up for actually revising this one, though. It looks like I'd really have to go at it, giving her a life, reasons and such. I kind of enjoyed the limited knowledge of the character, though some don't But yes, thanks so much.
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This was very good and very relatable. I was definitely impressed by this. I think everyone feels this way at times. Good job!
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Wow, that was amazing. Congratulations on the trophy, you most certainly deserved it. And it sucks to hear that the story was deleted before. x[
You were very descriptive, and this can relate to a lot of people I'm sure. I think after reading this I will question my friends that I often go to and try to remember that they have problems of their own that they may not be willing to share because of a possible reaction.
Great job, keep writing! -
Amazing...
I can't tell you how much I can relate or know many others that can...your descriptions were so vivid I literally felt like I was on the bus watching you...Awesome job!! =)
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I love this story for its tragic sweetness. And believe it or not you got my lazy brain to think. Friends who smile all the time, but under their circumstances they should be shattered on the inside. I particularly like the last line of paragraph 9. It puts such a great picture in your head. One itch of mine was the beggening of paragraph 2. When you use the word "audible" in such a beautifully simple sentence seems to break the flow. Otherwise, a very engaging story.
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Glad I got you to thinking. ^^
What other word could be there besides audible, though? I see what you mean..
And I like your picture, by the way.
Glad you liked it, thanks. (= -
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Umm
I really don't know. I always seem to get myself into these jams when I write too
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Frakkin' Awesome
I like this A LOT!!! It's got a lot of depth and I like the way it puts you in the middle of the story while at the same time giving you background.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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- note: "A desire she didn't attain often." wouldn't it be "A state" or something like that
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Better before it got ersed?? How? Impossible. The girl in the story reminded me a little of me on the bus lol. Actually of a poem i wrote in 8th grade too... lol. great job love.
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Thank you. =] I'm really proud of this one, too.. And I must say, you're so cute for going back and fixing your spelling error. <3 That gave me such joy... Cute. ^_^ Thankyouuuu for commentsssssss. <3
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Many clapping emoticons
it's truth (hence the title). You really managed to capture this one moment in this character's life and use that as the backdrop for everything going on around her. Nice imagery with the rain. I'm not sure if that was rhetorical to relate to her, or just scenery. it one of those things that's best left to the reader to decide. Nicely done
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Thank you very much. I personally think this is one of my better pieces. It's kind of a different mood for me, I suppose. It's a wee bit of a detached-type personal story. Thank you for your lovely comment. =] (As well as the many clapping emoticons!)
-Sarah.
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This was really well written and relatable. Emotionally sound and intriguing. Very Well Done!!!
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ooo very deep and emotional! Great context - i can really feel and relate to the characters.
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Awww.
Awww! The poor girl! =(
That is sooo sad! I really liked this story. It's something almost everyone can relate to. Sometimes people do forget the fact that who we turn to are humans themselves. I think you potrayed that emotion really, well. =D I like the way you put truthfully in the end. It's really very touching. The flow was good. And I specially liked the way you were said...."She comforted him, hugged her, smiled with them, resolved their issue, brought her to her senses, gave him a tug back to earth, told this one there was hope, let he and she cry on her."
It was really cute! ^^ You wrote it very very well!!!
GOo0o0o0o Job.
Aaez.
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Hmm.. For some reason Drops'in paragraph two trips me up. I think it's the apostrophe, interrupting the nice flow.. Maybe the phrase' traced the path of the drops' would compliment it better?---Same paragraph.. there's a typo for bus's. .^^..... in paragraph five, I think the 'Own' in 'fulfilling her own purpose' could be omitted, if you mean that she filled the only purpose the boy had for her....I love the repetative motif of the 'Truthfully'... It adds a lot of flavor to the piece.
I like the slow paced, character based pieces.. as you could probably tell from my own stuff^^...Anyway, a good piece.. I think this could easily stand alone without another part.
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Thanks very much. I will go back and make those changes. However, the line with 'own purpose' is meant as in her only purpose was to help him. So I feel the own is somewhat necessary. (:
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oh noes, it was better before it got erased? That's too bad O.O
wah, >.< this is sad, saraaahhhhh. But I guess I could relate to it, especially just the part where she's sitting on the bus before everyone starts interrupting her, and she's feeling empty. I like that. The ending almost reminded me of a poem, I don't know why ^-^ Paragraph 7 kind of confused me though, because sometimes you say "her" and sometimes you say "him". that's all ^-^
*huggles*
♥ Alex ♥
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Yeah. Paragraph seven is kind of meant to show that she just helped everyone. I mean, him, her, them, they, none of them were actually characters. It was just an example. I know this one's sad... v.v
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How sad, I feel for the girl. If only someone would lend HER a shoulder to cry on. Nicely written and you can tell how much effort you put into it. Congrats on a great write!
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Amazing... I loved the entire thing; fabulous job! I relate to it so much as I know you do too... It was so well, I only wish I could have read the other one if it was better, cause that would have to be one hell of a great story! Kudos!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I wish you coulda read the first one, too! It was sooo much better. I had another ending originally, based on something a friend said, too. But it seemed a little off. And yeah. This was really from the heart. I took bits from our talks, too. (: And thank you, thank you, thank you.
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I have the same problem
Though mine is on such a high scale that I am probably going to therapy (doctor's orders) *sigh* well alright, finding a song for you wasn't all that easy, but this one seemed appropriate:
"Off The Handle lyrics"
Rory Gallagher
Well i fly off the handle
a little too quick
Guess you could call me a nervous man
For the last week or two
It don't take too much
to make me wanna raise my hand
Well it's one of those days
when you'd rather not be
so low down and dirty
your luck's out to sea
Well i fly off the handle
a little too fast
You know friends think I look like an angry man
like bad memory turned up again
I find it hard not to raise my hand
Well it's one of those towns
Where you'd rather not stay
come back and see it
some other day
Well it's one of those nights
when you know you're alone
feeling half crazy
just body and soul
Well my cat won't scratch
or show its claws
It just prowls around the house all day
for the last night or two
I can't eat or drink
I think i'm gonna fade away
Well it's one of those days
When you'd rather not be
so low down and lonesome
your luck's out to sea
If this doesn't work well for you simply tell me so ^^ -
stress is the pits...
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You're telling me...
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