Power!

Don’t give me your sympathies1

Just give me a reason to live2

I am just a body, give me a soul3

Stop Breathing!4

Break chains5

If you have money, then nothing in the world matters!6

Fuck everything!7

==8

There a fire inside me chest9

That doesn’t enlighten10

It brings darkness11

It's one trap from which there is no escape12

Stop breathing!13

Stop living!14

Let’s your anger flow!15

Let the demon take over!16

Use violence!17

If you have the powers of money18

There nothing that can stop you!19

Fuck everything!20

==21

Stop controlling yourself!22

Start controlling everything else!23

Break everything!24

Destroy all those who stand in your way25

If you have money that you’re god!26

Fuck everything!27

==28

Author notes

So, so, so. Just something that has really been bothering me. Writing this will surely help. Maybe I'll write a story that goes with it.

A contest entry

Pham! PHam! PHAm! PHAM!!!

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Asfand
    May 30

    Edit | Reply
    I like the direct execution of idea, but only to an extent. I think you should expand, make it a real song, put in a chorus, process your structure again.

    Powerful stuff, this could make an interesting song. It has this enraged feel to it. By the way, which genre of music do you have in mind? I can think this up in rock/gothic style - but what do you have in mind?

    Good work!

  • Shadowed Phoenix
    May 23

    Edit | Reply
    The poem holds a great deal of meaning. It portrayes boundless anger and frusteration. However it is quite rough. The way you wrote it makes it seem choppy and unpolished. Its quite repetative in some spots and lacks a complete feel. With some work I think you could very likely make this into something far better then what it currently is but without any more work its not really up for consideration. Either way thank you for entering my contesst and good luck.


  • ShadowQueen12
    May 19
    Edit | Reply

    Angry but full of meaning

    It was a very good poem. It depicts how power effects people. Awesome job!


    • HitmanShah
      May 20
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for The Feedback

      Thanks, no angry it just violent. There a difference between anger and violence and I am not taking about shedding blood. (Okay, partly I am) But Violence is a more complex and intellectual process. Thanks for the feedback.


  • kierancluchey
    May 18

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting.

    This has been bugging you? Have you been eager to write this, or is this personal to you? I'm curious to as what story you would write with it.

    Except for a few places where it doesn't quite make sense, because of grammatical error, such as: Line 10. It was a good tale. Some people might complain about the F word after all of your groups, because it might be unnecessary. I look forward to the possible story to follow.

    -Kieran


    • HitmanShah
      May 18
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for the feedback

      Yes this idea can be used in a story and i will use it.

      The rat race all around us.

      It a simple enough theory, "when a man has money he gives no value to other more important things in life at this stage god shows him the value of money. How useless it is."

1 - 6 of 6