The Choice or the Other

“I don’t really know what I lost. After all this time of crying over you, I forgot what you were ever…1

I forgot our love; I forgot the feelings that were so strong towards you. But I didn’t forget you.2

I remember most of the things we used to do together. I remember how we used to smile. I do not miss it anymore, because I forgot how to cry. I did it so much lately that it is the same as everything else. The pain doesn’t go away. It tries, but I hang on to it like a fish that’s stuck on a hook.”3

As I read this letter to her, she began shaking her head.4

“You need to let it go” she told me.5

I have no idea what she’s talking about. I’m fine. I know I am. I just need some time to do things for myself. Writing, composing, and that kind of stuff.6

“You need to let him go…”7

She doesn’t know anything. She has no idea what she’s talking about!8

“What’s with that psychiatrist anyways? Telling you to write this stuff, that’s not dealing with it! You need to get outside. Let’s go shopping, okay?”9

She knows nothing, that’s all I can say. I need time for myself! I want to think of the memories and get lost in our grandest times, I want to remember.10

“You need to forget”11

Exactly what I don’t need. One should remember the good times of ones life!12

“You need to put it all behind you”13

How come she disagrees with everything I think? She sick. Does she read my mind or something?14

“Of course I do, I really do… but I mean it. What you need is to go somewhere you’ve never been with him”15

How about hell? How’s that for you?16

“Oh, come on you’re being silly, you know that’s stupid. Besides, if you just got up and left like that, we’d miss you!”17

As we sat there I forgot about where I was supposed to be. Her whole reaction to this thing was pissing me off so much I wanted to scream. She was being very immature. She was acting like a child, and honestly, that's all I wanted to tell her.18

"Can't you see what she's doing? She's just making you feel even worse so she'll make more money off of you!"19

Of course she isn't. Her job is to help people deal with their issues in life, and she's very good at it too.20

"Whatever she tells you, I suggest you let it fly through the one ear and out the other..."21

Seriously, you don't think it would be wiser if I did that every time you opened your mouth?22

And so on the conversation went, me disliking my best friend more and more. I had known her for more than a decade, and I wanted to tell her to leave, only because of some issue I had with a guy. Stupid, isn't it? Love really makes you blind, and it made me blind too.23

Now really, I need to get back to the subject..24

"So, read more of that stupid letter for me, I wanna hear what other clicés you're dealing with" she said with her usual ironic smile.25

Fine then.26

"I don't really want it to be over. I always thought that the two of us would last. But you lied. You told me that you were certain we were meant to be. How could you lie to me like that? Sometimes I wonder if everything you said and did, was just to keep me locked up in the belief that our relationship was more than a sexual relation...27

It hurts to think about that, too. Your very being makes my insides attempt to escape through my throat. My heart is included in that, of course.28

I actually wondered if I could bleed the pain out, whenever it was at its worst. But I never made the attempt. That would have been silly of me. Time heals all wounds, at least that's what they say."29

"And so it shall. And you know what makes time fly? Shopping!"30

You daughter of a... No, I won't say that. You're supposed to be a good friend and listen right now!31

But she dragged me out of the house and into some clothing store anyhow. Spending my time there didn't help. But I wasn't crying either. For her sake I pretended to be looking at outfits while she was trying the store on for size. Still, I had to keep reminding myself that I had a session with Dr. Green later that day. If I forgot, it would cost me almost 300 dollars of nothing, and I would be stuck with that clothing-obsessive friend of mine all day. She probably needed the session later more than I did. Perhaps she should take it instead of me? Funny thought, one of the first to make me smile that day.32

"How does this look?"33

Makes your ass look like a planet all on its own, that what it looks like.34

"You don't like?"35

No, not at all. No better than the rest of this flower power looking pile of bat droppings pretending to be fashionable.36

"Okay then, if that's going to be your attitude, then let's just go home!"37

Oh no! PLEASE, don't leave, then I'd be happy and all. We can't have that now can we?38

"Oh, sweety I'm so sorry. I know you're going through a really hard time right now, I'm SO sorry! Let's just find nice cafe, alright? My treat"39

Yeah right, that's what you always say. Let's see, did you forget your wallet in the store? Did you lose your credit card? Is it too overdrawn? Oh, never mind. Fine. Let's go then...40

And so we did. It was pretty nice actually. Until a cute guy sat down a few tables away...41

"You smiled at him!" she said with a very big, acusing smile.42

Of course I did, he's very good looking.43

"You want to get with him!"44

No I don't. I'm dealing with my heartbreak right now. I don't need another guy to mess up my existence!45

"If you don't go talk to him, then I'll go and tell him you want to!"46

I know you wouldn't do that, because deep down, sweetheart, you're afraid the guy will like me better.47

"That's so not true!"48

Oh yes it is baby, I know you better than you know yourself...49

"Fine. Just sit here then. You'll never get a new boyfriend this way though"50

I know that. And when I'm ready, I'll find one by getting out there.51

As you probably notice by now, my friend and I, are mostly friends because we argue about the right things. That's why I liked her so much. Anyways, later that day was the coolest part. When I arrived at my psychiatrists office, I felt I had so much to talk about.52

She greeted me, and asked me how I felt, and if I had written the letter she told me to. She read the letter and said that it was very good. We talked about my friend about whom Dr. Green said: "She is not the type of person you need to spend the most time with right now. It sounds like she counters everything you say and do. You need someone supportive in your life right now. Someone who unlike your ex-boyfriend and this friend of yours, will love you for who you are no matter how well they get to know you, and lets you lead the kind of life you want to lead."53

That's when I realized that all this arguing I did with her was un-necessary, and what I really had to do was to leave her be, and attend to my other psychological issues. I never called her up again, and it seems that she forgot me very easily.54

It really doesn't take much to rid yourself of the parts you don't need. It's the others you never quite get rid of. That's what Dr. Green told me when she said she couldn't do more for me.55