Breaking all the rules (revised 23.05.08)

People always say that time moves in slow motion during moments like this, but it wasn’t like that for me. Everything was over in a matter of seconds – and I mean everything.
The screeching tyres, the bright lights heading straight at me, the panic in Nick’s voice as he swerved uselessly to avoid the oncoming lorry. The following deadly silence lasted only a second, but it was a stark contrast to the deafening bang moments ago. No one moved in that silent second. The pain was unbearable; I couldn’t do anything. I was aware of my surroundings and somehow conscious of the fact that I was dying. The knowing made the pain worse.
The irony in this situation was that if I hadn’t felt so guilty about sneaking out then I would still be alive.
This may be slightly confusing – am I dead? The short answer is, yes. I think this may be against the rules - that part becomes clearer later on in my story - and since I suppose I have already broken the rules I might as well do the job properly. The events leading up to my demise may seem insignificant out of context but in retrospect they obviously had quite an impact on the scheme of things. My evening started as many previously had.
Something cracked on the glass, making me jump half a mile. I pushed open my window and looked into the garden, Nick had his arm raised ready to throw another stone.
“Hey!” I whispered loudly, “What are you doing?” But I was grinning in spite of myself; we both knew what was coming.
“I'm persuading you to come to the party with me!” he replied, a little too loudly for comfort.
“Shhh! Keep your voice down! The ‘rents will hear you!” I told him, looking pointlessly behind me anxiously. “I’m revising, I can’t come out tonight.”
“You’re always revising! Come on, Daisy! One night- that’s all I ask of you,” Nick pleaded smiling widely at me. I pointed out to him sceptically that it was always just one night and it was past 11pm. My parents would never agree to let me go out now. He told me to climb out of the window; I laughed at him, but I had always secretly wanted to try that. I gave in to his pleas a few minutes later and went to change. My exams were only a few weeks away, I knew I should be studying, but I needed a break- where was the harm? I asked myself. I threw my shoes down to Nick and then swung myself out of the window, down the trellis underneath it, giggling. 1

The pounding music and the heat in the club became oppressive as guilt slowly seeped into my conscience. The guilt was over not telling my parents that I was going out and over the fact that I knew I should be revising. I rubbed my forehead; it felt as though there was a hyperactive monkey jumping around in my head banging a gong with a metal hammer. I worked my way over to Nick, who was standing at the bar. He could tell I wasn’t enjoying myself and offered to take me home.
“It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the thought,” I explained, slightly pleading with him, when we got in the car.
“I know, babe,” he responded smiling at me. “You’re just too sweet for your own good.”
I sighed, “I know.” Nick reached over and took my hand,
“Hey, don’t worry so much. You’ll ace your exams no matter how much revision you do. Unlike the rest of us mere mortals, I hasten to point out, and your parents won’t even know you have been out.” I smiled at him sadly and looked away. “Okay, so, to make up for missing a night’s entertainment of revision, we can study all day tomorrow. Sound like a good plan?” Nick suggested, trying to lift my mood.
“Hmmm…… I suppose so. I think French though,” I smiled cheekily
“Why? That’s like your best subject,” Nick questioned.
“Oh, I know. But you definitely need to work on it,” Nick scoffed, trying, and failing, to look indignant and offended, as I laughed at him. Nick conceded to this and we were still laughing lightly at each other when the lorry sped, squealing, into my door. 2

I didn’t see a bright white light to guide me, or angels surrounding my head. No lost loved ones to help me accept what had happened. I didn’t see the fiery pits of hell either, before you ask. It was strange and indescribable, but I’ll try to explain anyway. I felt detached, like I was experiencing an out-of-body experience that wasn’t so out-of-body. It was as if I was flying above the wreckage, not part of the situation, but I could feel pain emanating from every part of my body. I knew instantly, illogically, insanely, that I was dead. I knew things that seemed highly unlikely, if not impossible, that I could have known. Like the rules, for example. One, the dead are not allowed to make contact with any living person, to console, for revenge or otherwise. Two, the dead are not allowed to linger in the transition zone (a.k.a Earth) for longer than two days or the transition period becomes void of any point. Three, most important of all, the dead must not attend their own funerals or of those who died with them (depending on your circumstance). Apparently the living, and the dead for that matter, would never be able to grieve properly if the spirits of the departed ignored these rules. I was still in the recognisable form of myself, nothing had changed, and I didn’t bear the marks of a car accident. But I couldn’t be seen, heard or felt. It was a feeling of complete loneliness, it was beyond explanation.3

The driver ducked out of the lorry cursing, running to our crushed car. He took in my deathly still form and checked my pulse. His face paled. After checking Nick’s pulse, discovering he was alive (thank heavens!), the driver dialled 999. Two ambulances and a police car pulled up quickly, rushing us to the hospital. I didn’t know who was to blame but was glad that the driver hadn’t just driven off. I didn’t blame him because of that fact.
It had to be the longest night – well I was going to say ‘of my life’ but that phrase doesn’t seem to apply here so – I had ever experienced. I stayed with Nick. I didn’t care what happened to my body - there was nothing they could do to help me - while the doctors stabilised Nick. With a frightening realisation I thought of how I would never be able to do what I wanted with my life. I wasn’t going to sit exams. I wasn’t going to grow up to be successful. Nick would heal with time and move on, be successful in his life, but I would never even breathe again. Don’t get me wrong I was so relieved that Nick had survived, and I didn’t blame him. I just hoped he knew how precious life is and how lucky he was. The hardest part at the hospital was when our distraught, tear-stricken parents arrived. I walked over to my mum and dad when they were being told that I hadn’t made it. I couldn’t comfort my mum; I just wished I could say everything would be fine. But nothing was fine. And I couldn’t comfort her.4

Nick was released from the hospital later the next day. He had escaped with a broken leg and three cracked ribs. He had a slight concussion but had been very fortunate in the respect that he was still breathing. Not in another, however. Even though I didn’t blame him, he blamed himself for my death. He limped out of his house, ignoring the doctor’s advice to rest, and stumbled to sit in ‘our spot’ to the park. Unseen, I walked with him. For a few moments it didn’t feel like anything had changed.
Reaching the bench Nick spoke quietly, shocking and saddening me. He was speaking to me. “I am so sorry, Daisy. It’s my fault that you’re dead! I should never have made you come out with me.” Tears filled my eyes; I wanted to tell him how wrong he was. I wished with all my heart, soul and mind that Nick could see me and know he wasn’t to blame. I put my hand over his, not even thinking about what I was doing. Nick looked down at his hand, as if he had felt that. I replied quietly to his unnecessary plea.
“Oh, Nick. It is not your fault. It was an accident, nobody had any control over what happened.” Nick looked straight at me, I was amazed. He looked away, muttering something about hallucinating.
“Did you just see me?” I asked him, shocked, albeit slightly pleased. He looked back at me and I took this for confirmation.
“How is this possible? I can’t be, you’re –” Nick broke off sharply, looking scared and astonished.
“-Dead?” I finished for him. I sighed. “I know. I’m not supposed to make contact with you, but it wasn’t like I meant to. I just heard you blaming yourself and acted instinctively. I couldn’t believe it.”
We sat talking for an immeasurable length of time, minutes or hours I didn’t know. Nobody walked past us surprisingly and fortunately because I wasn’t sure if everybody could see me or just Nick. But I could understand now why this was against the rules; it wasn’t helping Nick- yet. I told him that I had only appeared to make him realise this wasn’t his fault, and that he wouldn’t see me again for his own good. I insisted he was not to blame and not to punish himself.
“I want you to be happy. Make the most of your life while you still can, it’s more precious than any of us realise. Don’t ever dwell on things beyond your control. Look after yourself and tell people how you feel. Hesitation - it’s not worth it. There are some important life lessons there, take advantage of them.” I smiled at him gently. “Look after yourself. Don’t ever stop reaching for the stars. For me. Promise?”
“I promise,” He answered gently; we were both on the verge of tears.
“Never stop living and loving, Nick. You’ll go far, I always knew you would.”
“Can I have one last hug?” A single tear ran down his cheek. I wrapped my arms around him, whispering goodbye in his ear. I could feel myself becoming unseen again and heard him say, “Not yet, Daisy. Not yet.” 5

I knew I wasn’t supposed to be here, this was my third (and a half) day on Earth as a spirit, but I wanted to say farewell to my life properly and what’s a better time than your own funeral? I’m breaking all the rules now. The rules are wrong anyway, I think – I know- this will help everyone move on.
I was a little mollified over my death by the funeral. There wasn’t ‘a dry eye in the house’ as my aunt used to say. It seemed that everyone I had cared about in life had come to the funeral, I was glad about that. My mother was standing with Nick at the front, accepting everyone’s condolences. She was crying in a dignified way, never one for over the top performances, while Nick was standing with a heartbreaking expression on his face, his eyes red and poignant. My dad was talking to the guests but looked detached, distant and distressed.
I followed the procession into the graveyard after a very moving service. Lots of people had spoken about me, everything positive. I noticed that nobody commented on my total disregard for the cleanliness of my room or how I used to irritate my sister. I guess none of the bad things matter now but it made me seem too perfect, less real. Almost on cue, as if I’d spoken out loud to him, Nick stepped forward to speak.
“Everyone wanted to say something about Daisy today, so there isn’t much more I can add but this; Daisy was a wonderful, beautiful person inside and out. She was caring, fun, smart, with had a sharp sense of humour that I adored. Nobody is perfect, and Daisy was no exception, but that seemed to make her perfect- the fact that she did make mistakes, she did what she wanted sometimes, not what she should do. If she was here right now, she’d probably be laughing at us all. I can almost hear her saying, ‘Jeez, I wasn’t that bad was I?’ She always made everybody laugh, cheered her friends up when they needed it, and always knew what to do. I’ll never forget her and I know that no one who knew her ever could. After the accident I blamed myself for her death but I knew what she would say. It was an accident, she’d make me promise to live my life to the full and she would want all of you to do the same, ’Reach for the stars’, she always said that and this would be the perfect time to say it again.” He paused, half smiling, a secret smile, for me I could tell. “All I can say to Daisy now is, thank you for enlightening me and, for now at least, goodbye Daisy.”
With that last sentence I blew him a kiss, and floated above everyone’s heads. I could move on now. I had enabled those left behind to grieve and heal, I’d had my farewell. As I floated I realised the rules had been put in place specifically for that reason. To be broken.