The black SUV rocketed around the corner, the tyres locking and drifting across the slick blacktop. Heavy drops of rain pelted the windshield as the wipers worked over-time to fling the rivulets of water out into the darkness. 1
Inside the cab of the vehicle, a man and woman stared in opposite directions. With a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel, the man focused his unblinking eyes on road beyond; his head craned forward as he urged the car onwards. Clasping the headrest of her seat, the woman angled herself to face backwards. Her visage lit up in a grimace of fear as light splashed across it when a pursuing vehicle rounded the corner behind them.2
“Danny – they’re gaining on us!” Her grip on the seat tightened as her boyfriend pumped the accelerator causing the SUV to lurch forward.3
“I know, babe, I know,” he answered in a panicked rush.4
The SUV screeched around another corner, and the vehicle aquaplaned again. A flume of water sprayed up on the passenger’s side as they ploughed through a puddle. Seconds later, their pursuers gained ground, the headlights from the vehicle displaying the pair in the SUV in stark relief.5
“Oh God,” the woman whimpered as a loud gunshot retorted, and the back windscreen webbed with cracks.6
Danny reached across and yanked her down in the set. “Get down!” 7
As the vehicle behind them gained more ground, the dazzling beam of light painted a stripe along the driver’s side of the SUV.8
“Fuck!” Danny pounded the steering wheel when he realised the SUV would not go any faster.9
The woman jerked her hand over her mouth and screamed in muffled terror as another shot rung out, the bullet shattering the back window before burying itself in the console. Tendrils of smoke curled up from where the radio used to be, and the woman gagged on the acrid smell.10
Glancing down at the ruined electronics, Danny misjudged another deviation in the road. The SUV mounted the curb with a screech of tortured metal, the tyres leaving the road as the car defied gravity for stretched seconds. The woman fell towards Danny as the SUV tilted in mid-air, her head whipping uncontrollably as the car reconnected with the pavement.11
Glass splintered as the SUV slid along the wet bitumen on one side. Blood and water mixed as gashes blossomed on their skin. Tyres spinning, the SUV came to rest against a light pole.12
Behind them, the other car paused, headlights flaring on the scene. Leaving the engine still running, a lone figure stepped from the vehicle. Boots crunching the jewels of glass littering the street, he approached the devastated SUV.13
Draped across her unconscious boyfriend, the woman groggily watched the man approach. With shaking hands, she shook her boyfriend.14
“Danny…” she begged, terrified. “Danny, please…”15
Her boyfriend moaned, red seeping from various cuts on his right side, but didn’t open his eyes.16
As she cupped his face to coax him to consciousness, the man from the other car came into view. A glint of light caught her attention, and she flicked her eyes towards it.17
“No, no… please!” Her voice trembled, as she realized that the streetlight reflected off the silvered gun that the strange man now pointed towards her and her boyfriend.18
Unperturbed, the gunman approached until he stood less than a metre away from the windscreen. With deliberate slowness, he aimed the gun at Danny and pulled the trigger.19
As the round hit home, the woman screamed, her cries ringing through the empty street. Danny’s head lolled in her hands, blood oozing from where his left eye should have been. Her screams evolved into a breathless keen as she finally comprehended her boyfriend’s death.20
The gunman stepped forward, and smashed the windscreen in, then pulled the woman up through it. He held the hot barrel to the woman’s cheek as she stared at him wide-eyed.21
“Jimmy sends his regards,” he stated huskily, before releasing her and walking away.22
The woman crawled into the SUV, took the shell of Danny into her arms and wept. 23
Life as a gangster’s moll was heart-wrenchingly hard, and Danny had loved her enough to try to take her away.24
Author notes
A little fun with writing an action sequence...
Could be a start, could be an end, but at the moment, it just is...
For contests: I have a lot of fav's - don't make me choose. What is it about favourites anyway? Fav movie, fav song, fav food, fav animal... gaah!
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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The action seems so real. Very good descrition with excellent grammar. The imagery of this piece is so live-like.
Hwoever, I noticed oen spelling mistake. You spelled "meter" as "metre". I'm terribly sorry if you can spell it both ways. =D
Good luck in my contest. -
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Yes - we Aussies spell it as 'metre'
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great piece.. very, i mean very detailed description...gory story... nice one..
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Very detailed. I felt like I was in the backseat with them. I played each scene in my head as though it were a movie. Good Job!
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Wonderful imagery (as has been said before), and you kept my interest the entire time, which is hard to do. I could nearly feel the adrenaline in the scene.
Awesome work! -
man you just like put me in an action movie, great imagery. Great Story
M
R
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terrific story!
thakns for entering
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Like a Movie Scene
Your writing is very colorful and descriptive. It flows along nicely. I guess you are from a different part of the world than me because I got hung up on "tyres" and "windscreen". I have read several comments on other works where different countries spell words differently and I know that different places use alternate terminology... so I assume that is the case here. Other than that, It was a very smooth read. It was like a scene from a movie, but I really liked the ending where she is the cause of her lovers death and is left to deal with the fact that she killed him. Good job! -
Wow...
I like this a lot. The action seemed realistic...I wish I knew your secrets.....
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I love this piece. its like watching a movie. A very good car chase scene and the assassin was very cold, headshot her boyfriend before her eyes and left her. Keep it up!
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edit: [8] "beam of light PAINTED"
Nice piece. Though it's a bit more intense than I go for (I don't really dig violence), I read it with rapt attention. Maybe I should get you to write the fight scenes in my sci-fi piece. "What fight scenes?" you ask? Exactly.
I'm impressed with how much story you can tell in so few words. You create the whole arc of a story in less than 700 words. Nicely done -
I liked this. It wasn't too rushed and you had just the right amount of details. It definitely kept me interested and the ending was good.
Excellent Write!
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This was very well written and exciting. Almost like watching a movie. I enjoyed from top to bottom and can only say well done! I enjoyed it much! Durian.
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I really enjoyed this, it was really well written and a good storyline, the only thing I can say is that I agree with MalevolentDesire that there is something not quite right. I think it is this;
"Her face lit up in a grimace of fear AS light splashed across it AS a pursuing vehicle rounded the corner behind them".
I'd suggest (though you don't have to take this advice) that it should say;
"Her face lit up in a grimace of fear AS light splashed across it AND the pursuing vehicle rounded the corner behind them".
This minimalises repetition of the word AS and makes it flow better.
Other than that it was great, keep it up!
Regards, Geoff -
This is a great story, very imaginary and descriptive. As first, I wonder why the car has been chased. However, reading the end of the story I realize that Danny is a gangster. I still wonder why Jimmy wants to kill Danny. Is there more into the story?
I love the writing in this story. The story keep my heart pounding for more action and thrill.
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Nice Action
I jumped right into this puppy. The writing was very good quality and the visuals where tight. The only negative thing (not that you asked for something negative) is that the scene itself was not very original, it's been done many times. HOWEVER, the final sentence adds a good twist.
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wow this is a really good and sweet and sad story. I really liked it!!!!
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This is a very riveting story. I enjoyed it immensely, and was literally on the edge of my seat through it all.
My only gripe is para 2. I don't know why, I can't quite place what it is, but it doesn't seem right. Maybe I'm just hallucinating again, but I do that a lot.
Like I said, this was a great story, and you portrayed the fear and horror well. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and can't wait for more, as this definitely seems like it could be something bigger.
Well done, and keep up the good work.
Mal.
. Rewarded 8
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Very Good
This is very good short story just enough stuff to keep the reader happy! Great Job!
One are you need to fix is the woman. Named her at the same when you Danny. I got tried of reading the woman. I did not like the ending because I was disattach from her. I cared more about Danny then her.
The ending needs a bit work, you have a great beginning so you need a great ending.
Suggestions:
on road ahead; his head craned forward as he urged the car onwards.
ahead; his head which you are repeating yourself, I would change ahead to a different word.
As the round hit home, the woman screamed, her cries ringing through the empty street.
I would delete as from your sentence; it is not needed.
Lynn
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Very awesome. It is a pretty nice story.
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Very good. The ending seems a bit abrupt though, but other than that, very very good. I love the deatil, and the way you wrote this, and a very good idea. Very good job!
. Rewarded 4
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What am I missing? What plot? (Not that I am a big fan of plot...but people here are speaking of wonderful plotting!) And surprise? What surprise? (Gunning down someone like Danny is what makes people like "Jimmy" and his boys tick!)
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I love you Gary Alexander!
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Better than a sharp poke in the eye. Thanks.
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Dude it's a random short story that isn't as yet been developed into anything would you relax
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It play exactly like a action movie. I hope that isn't insulting as that seemed to be what you were going for
. Rewarded 4
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No offense taken - this is as it appears to be - an action sequence. Could end up being a prologue - not sure as yet.
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Very good action description of the car chase, paragraph 11 in particular. The ending is pretty good,too. In paragraph 10, I think "rung" should be "rang."
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Ahahaha....
x5000000
Amazing write. Truly amazing - everything was perfect, as it were - plot, setting, the opening, the tension, the death, the descriptions .... Great.
Loved the ending too ... nice work.
RJ
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The plotting was terrific and the action felt like it was happening to me
Tyres or tires yah can’t have it both ways
. Besides I had to have something to ding you with 
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This was a terrific read with a surprise ending. You had me all tensed up. I thought the two culprits were at first running from the law, then perhaps they were turncoats fleeing the IRA, Yikes! —they’re lover fleeing the mob.
Poor girl a ruined face and a dead boyfriend, I do wonder if Jimmy will pay for a plastic surgeon if he takes her back.
The plotting was terrific and the action felt like it was happening to me, with dialogue that fit the activity perfectly.
Geri
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