Kal sat in his room, a broken man. Tears streaked unashamedly down his cheeks, now that he was alone. She had refused him. More important, she had annulled their contract. She'd left, left him all alone. Alone. He contemplated killing himself now, picking up his sword, positioning it against his heart and thrusting it through his body in a final dramatic motion, Crimena's name on his lips. He knew she would mock this image, could imagine her derisiveness and that stopped him. Even now when she was gone. Instead, he went down to get a drink.1
~*~2
Crimena took no looks back as she left the valley and the man she secretly loved behind. She knew he would cope, he would survive. She knew they both would. She wished they could have been together but she was far more pragmatic that Kal had ever been. She knew that, if they had indeed gotten married, they would have been torn apart from the inside.
A contest entry
- Paragraph Contest by whichcraft.
170 points, ended June 24, 40 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Hmmm.....
I feel that there's probably the seeds of a good story here, but I can't quite forgive the sentence structure or the misuse of adjectives. In the second sentence, you claim that "Tears streaked unashamedly down his cheeks." This may seem pedantic, but do tears actually feel shame or any other emotion? They may signify emotion, and that's fine. As for them streaking, does this imply they were in some kind of race, or do you mean his cheeks were streaked with tears? The seventh sentence is poor. Again this might seem pedantic, but it almost reads that he's going to kill himself (method unclear) THEN picking up his sword, positioning it etc. Please try to read your sentences out loud, better still, ask someone who knows you to read them. We can guess what you mean, but why should we have to? Your job as a writer is to tell the story in a lucid manner, not have your readers correcting the grammar, almost re-writing it as they go along.
I could go on, because the second paragraph is almost as error haunted as the first. I hate, to the very depths of my being, making negative comments, especially when I know that you can do a whole lot better. Maybe you just needed to be nudged into taking more care. If so, I hope I've done it without building resentment. I know this is fairly brutal, but please believe me when I say that my intentions are for your good!
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