Oceanside

I wandered to the Oceanside1

Watching as the moment froze the tide2

I hope this moment lasts forever3

For I never want to leave her4

I saw her. There on a beach of weathered sand. The sand was undisturbed. No footprints, not even hers. Just mine. I walked towards her, unsure. Unsure of it all. I didn’t even know what I was going to say to her. Would I say, “How’s the weather?” or would I say, “I love you.” I just didn’t know. I slowed down so I could think more. I just had to prepare something. I looked back. My footprints were slowly fading away from the tide coming in and out. The further back they went, the harder it was to make them out. My past was being erased. No one would remember this, not even her. I turned back to her. She was closer now. Had I been walking? Or maybe she walked towards me. I don’t know. I continued to walk towards her, all the while fiddling with the note in my pocket. I didn’t have to read it, since I already read it. I don’t even know why I still have it. Maybe I want to keep it for the memories or something nostalgic like that. I don’t know. I could tell it was starting to fall apart. My hands were really sweaty from being stuffed in my pockets all day. Pretty soon, my procrastination over what I should do with it would destroy it. I continued to walk towards her. God, she looked so beautiful. I just noticed now. I was always so easily distracted. That’s how I met her. 5

I waited. My part would be coming up soon. I ran what I was going to say through my head, making sure I had everything memorized and organized. This had to go off without a hitch. When I practiced last night, I choked up a bit. No one really noticed, but I did and that’s what matters. That and the money. 6

“I just can’t wait any longer. I need to know. Bill, can you come in here?” I walked out of the darkness and over to her.7

“What is it?” I asked, concerned.8

“I need to ask you something, but before I do I want you to promise that whatever your answer is, it won’t affect our friendship. Can you promise me?”9

“Yeah, sure. I promise.”10

“Do you love me?” I was silent, unsure of what to say. 11

“It’s just…I’ve seen the way you look at me. I know you do like me. I just need to know, because the uncertainty has been too much to deal with.”12

“I just-I don’t know what to say.”13

“Oh God, I should have known. Now our friendship is going to be all awkward. I knew it. I should have just kept my mouth-”14

“I do.”15

“You do what?”16

“I love you. Ever since I first laid eyes upon you I’ve been hopelessly in love. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.”17

“So have I. At first, I didn’t feel anything, but now that I’ve been with you for so long, I just-I fell in love with you!” We embraced and kissed. A cry rose out from in front of us, followed by a moving orchestral finale. People cheered and cried out, clapping their hands. We turned to them. She was smiling and I was smiling along with her. We bowed, only making the people cheer and applaud louder. More people came out from the darkened sides and bowed along with us. It was the greatest night out of all of them. I didn’t stumble or choke on my lines once. The curtain came down and everyone retreated to the side exits. As we were walking around to the front in order to greet the audience, she grabbed me and pulled me aside. 18

We kissed.19

“Well, Mr. Actor man. I have to say that was one of your best performances.”20

“You were good too, babe. When you cried I totally believed it.”21

“Yeah, well when you stumbled on that one line, I totally believed it.”22

I laughed.23

“So someone actually noticed.”24

“Yeah babe, you can’t get anything past me. I’ve been acting for so long that I can pick up on every little thing. This is your first performance.”25

“So are you saying I was bad?” I turned away from her, pretending to be mad. She always thought it was cute whenever I started up a pretend fight.26

“Oh, I didn’t mean that babe. I just meant-” she went to set her hand on my shoulder, but I backed away saying, “No, no.” She began to laugh.27

“You know that I think you’re a great actor. You were amazing for your first performance. Just think what you will be like in a few years. You may even surpass me.”28

“Really?” I said as I turned around to look at her. 29

“Yeah. That was a Mr. Actor performance you gave out there. I was even tempted to cry a few times.”30

“That’s because it was in the script.”31

“Well I mean the times that were not in the script. You were amazing.”32

“Oh, I can’t stay mad at you.” I grabbed her and we kissed again. We pulled away, both of us smiling. We started to laugh at our own playfulness. That warm feeling is such a powerful tool. It definitely made our performance what it was. We returned to kissing, when suddenly she pulled away. 33

“How could you?” she cried out in her melodramatic voice.34

“What do you mean?”35

“I saw her touching you while you were waiting in the wings.”36

“It was just innocent flirting. Nothing to get all worked up about.”37

“Flirting? She was grabbing your ass!”38

“Hey, it’s not my fault if the girls like the ass.”39

“This relationship is over!” She began to run off.40

“No please, think of the children.” I cried after her as I began to run. I caught up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. I picked her up and carried her out of the backstage area. 41

“No! Put me down you brute!” I put her down. Right after, we began to laugh again. 42

“Damn, we’re good,” she said.43

“We just never seem to run out of the acting energy. Shall we?” I said, offering my arm. She put her arm in mine and we skipped out into the lobby to greet the guests.44

The director was really pissed off. He had to drop two guys because they had been arrested for drunk driving. He couldn’t believe it. I was standing backstage, helping the crew move some of the sets around. We were only a week away from opening. The only good thing about the guys being dropped was the fact that they were total assholes. They were always doing something stupid, like tampering with the sets. The director was always too busy to notice. It wasn’t like the director couldn’t find replacements. Tons of people wanted to be part of the play. Plus, the two buffoons didn’t have much to do in the play. Really, what the director saw as inconvenient would only make things that much more convenient. 45

“Alright everyone,” called out the director, “let’s get this horror story on the roll.” The weird thing was we were performing a love story. I came out of the backstage area and went downstairs to get ready for our dress rehearsal. I hanged out down there for awhile since my part wasn’t up yet. Most of the guys would be around whenever I was offstage. I knew I was up in a few minutes, so I just went upstairs and waited in the wing. Up there I sat on a small bench in the corner, big enough just for one person. No one else was in the wing with me. They were either on the other side or were backstage. I sat sitting, watching the scene play out in front of me. The boyfriend of the female lead was hitting on another girl in a bar. After exchanging a few words, they would go back to their place where the boyfriend’s girlfriend would catch them having sex. She would then leave him. 46

I sat watching, nothing particular on my mind except my lines. Then she came through the side door. The female lead. She looked out on stage, checking to see what scene they were on. Knowing that her part wasn’t for another short while, she leaned up against the wall and waited. I didn’t pay much attention to her. Every now and then, I caught her looking at me. I didn’t look right at her to figure this out, but I could see her out of the corner of my eye. Whatever, she was looking at me. So what? A lot of girls threw glances my way. I had other things on my mind. Eventually, she walked over to where I was sitting and sat in my lap. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. For a moment, she continued to watch the scene from my lap. Then she turned and said, “I think you’re cute.”47

For a moment I was speechless. I didn’t know what to really say. No one had sat in my lap and then said I was cute. Just for a few moments, and I don’t know why, I was going to say, “I know you do.” Lucky for me, my brain decided to change the words up a bit before saying anything. 48

“I think you’re cute too,” I said. There. A good answer to a good statement, if I may say so.49

After that, things were never the same.50

She remained in my lap. Someone came out from backstage and saw the two of us sitting in the darkened corner. 51

“Are you guys having fun over there?” the guy asked chidingly. 52

“We sure are,” she said, beginning to fake an orgasm and pretending to hump me. We laughed after the guy walked off. 53

I was hooked.54

I didn’t realize it at first, and I wouldn’t realize it for a long time thereafter. From then on, whenever we saw each other, we would either be hugging each other or be arm in arm. I should have known she liked me before that, but like I said, I had a lot on my mind. The signs would have been blatantly obvious if I had been paying attention. 55

I couldn’t believe it.56

I was actually joining a play. It was weird, because I never planned on doing so. I had enough with college, which even seemed like too much. But after my friends did some major convincing, which just comprised of them pushing me into the theatre room, I decided to go along with it. I signed my name on the paper, dotted every ‘i’ and every ‘t’ and bam! I was in the play. Odd thing was, I didn’t have a single‘t’ in my name. 57

It was cool because I knew most of the people there. My best friend, Larry was in the play, as were a bunch of my other friends. We were always messing around, even when we shouldn’t have. The second day I came in, she talked to me. I was sitting with one of my friends, Roberto, talking about goofy shit. The usual TV show jokes and all around general goofiness. Next thing I know, she’s sitting in the seat in front of us. We struck up a conversation, I can’t really remember what about. What I do remember is that my lips were really dry.58

“Does anyone have any chap stick?” I asked.59

“I have some,” she said, “but it’s flavored.”60

“What flavor?” 61

“Chocolate.”62

“Mmmm…chocolate…aghhhh.” I added the Homer Simpson drool and gurgle. She laughed as she handed me the Chap Stick. I put some on, licking my lips. It actually tasted like chocolate. I put a little more on then put it away.63

“Who the hell are we going to get a ride with?” I asked. 64

“I don’t know,” started Larry, “Everyone’s cars are already booked. I don’t know if anyone is left.”65

“What about Roberto? Does he have his car?”66

“No,” said Roberto, “It’s in the shop. It won’t be fixed until tomorrow.”67

“That does us a lot of good,” I complained. We were all rushing around trying to find someone. Eventually, Jack and Sara came to the rescue. They said they would be able to give us a ride to the cast picnic. Jack and Sara had been going out for two years. Jack had been in all the plays for three years running now, and Sara had been on the crew for two years. She was a year younger than Jack. Lucky for us, the people they were going to give a ride to had bailed. 68

With a ride secured, Larry went into the dressing room to change out of his costume, while Roberto went outside to wait. I was in the hallway, just standing around. Most of the people had left, but some were still changing and hanging around. 69

She was there. 70

She walked out of the dressing room. She was still in costume but was about to change. Her lips were ruby red from the lipstick. She looked at me, I looked at her, and for no reason whatsoever, and she kissed me. Seconds seemed like years then she pulled away. 71

She laughed.72

Those beautiful eyes stared back into mine and that smile melted my soul. But then I thought, why is she laughing? I quickly realized why and laughed back. My lips were ruby red now too. 73

It was cold and yet it was so warm.74

Roberto, Larry, and I were on our way to the picnic with Jack and Sara. We had to stop at Sara’s house first so she could get some food for the cast picnic. While they were gone, Larry and Roberto were clowning around. As for me, I just sat looking out the window. My face glowing along with the sunlight that shone down on it. I could only run one coherent thought through my head: Holy shit, I think this is the best day of my life! I knew that by saying this I may have jinxed my whole relationship but I didn’t care. I was happy. This was a big thing because I was rarely ever happy. My two goof ass friends didn’t notice, but then again, maybe they did. Maybe they realized before I did. I think everyone noticed before I did. But it didn’t matter now. I finally knew for myself and what a feeling. 75

My heart leaped like Superman would over a skyscraper. Come to think of it, I think my heart would beat Superman. We pulled up into the parking lot. A ton of people were already there. I went along with Jack and Sara and helped them with the food. While they were busy starting up the grill, I was scanning the area for her. 76

She wasn’t there.77

I began to panic. Was she coming or not? Maybe she had to go somewhere else? Oh God if that were true then that means I wouldn’t see her for a whole week. If there was one thing I couldn’t deal with for an hour, let alone a week, it was anxious anticipation. That horrid beast that whispers into my ears what I don’t and do want to hear. 78

“She wants you. . . She doesn’t want you. . . She does want you. . . She never wanted you. . .” 79

I wouldn’t be able to deal with that for a week. But just as the beast appeared, it vanished. It vanished with her arrival. My heart, which had sunk into a sense of obvious doom, had risen again.80

My heart sunk into the deepest bowel of my stomach.81

I should have seen it. All the signs were there. It was so fucking obvious. And yet, I didn’t notice. It turns out, I did care. There we were in the wing, waiting for our cue, when I heard it.82

“Where is your boyfriend?”83

“He’s still at college, but he’s coming back in a week, just in time for closing night.”84

When I heard those words spoken, I realized I had fallen in love. Why? Because I cared that she had a boyfriend and worse, he was coming to see the show. I would have to deal with seeing his face. But then false hope set in, like it would many more times in the future. Maybe I heard her wrong. Maybe she just meant a guy friend. Ears today, they’re not like they used to be. She walked over to me and put her arm in mine. The scene required this so nothing special there. 85

“My real boyfriend is coming to see the show closing night. Just thought you would like to know.” 86

Rather than be a heartless, but strongly justified, jealous bastard, I said, “I know he will like the show. You’re the best actress here.” 87

“Oh, stop it,” she said as she held my arm tighter. That was the day I discovered what it was like to feel enraged and heartbroken at the same time. One could say this new emotion would only serve me in my later acting jobs, but I could care less. 88

I never want to feel that way again.89

As I saw her car pull up, I remembered that she had attacked me, not the other way around. When she told me that she had a boyfriend, I backed away. I was pissed off and heartbroken, but I wasn’t in that deep. I was given a chance to back out before it was too late. But like I said, she came back after me, even after she said she had a boyfriend. And the attacks would only become more intense that day. 90

I saw her leave her vehicle, with her usual white coat on. She was also wearing a cowboy hat, which was ridiculous and sexy at the same time. With a case of pop in tow, she sat down at one of the picnic tables and started talking with friends. Not wanting to make the situation seem awkward between us, since I had not really spoken to her that day, I decided to walk over to her and join the discussion. I can’t really remember what we were talking about, but there is one thing I do remember. She was sitting alongside me, while I was on the edge of the bench. She took my hands and stuck them in her pockets. I wrapped my arms around her, tightening her coat to keep her warm from the cool air. I didn’t have a coat, but I didn’t need one. I remember standing up to tell a joke, then wandering off with some friends. 91

A while later, she came up behind me with a blanket and wrapped it around me. She placed her hands under my shirt and began to rub my sides. One of my friends thought it would be funny to start lighting firecrackers and throwing them in the dumpsters. She and I started to joke around, both pretending to be scared. Larry saw us and started to laugh. From his perspective, I looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I said, “Sorry about my hump being all hairy,” as I looked back to see her hair hanging out from under the blanket. Larry gave me a strange look, then once he got the joke, started to laugh. 92

After that, most of the cast had left, except for a few of us, including my ride. I decided to take a walk with her on one of the forest trails. By the time we started out, the sun was setting. It cast a glorious orange glow upon the forest, rays of the sunlight streaming out alongside the trees. We went arm in arm, like we usually do when we walk together. However, we were not cracking puns and skipping like usual. This moment seemed so much more serious than past moments. She must have known as well as I did that our relationship had definitely been pushed up to a new level. Simultaneously, we each slid our hand down the others arm to meet and lock, hand in hand. We laughed at our unexpected coordination, but then returned to the loving silence. After a while we stopped and turned to look at each other. 93

“What do we do now?” she asked me, that sly smile of hers forming.94

“I’m not too sure. Exactly what level are we at?” A sly smile formed on my face as well. We both laughed. With words out of our way, we kissed. It was our first true kiss. Some would say the kiss we shared by the dressing rooms was our first kiss, but I don’t think it was. And I don’t think this just because it was longer than the first. The kiss we shared, with the warm orange glow of the sun upon our faces, the leaves rustling gently in the soft cool wind of fall, that was our first kiss.  95

That was the moment.96

That was the best moment in my entire life. Everything had culminated into this one glorious act. All the flirting and joking around had pushed our two souls into this momentous event. 97

Fate is a bitch.98

Idle time can drive a man insane.99

With extra time comes the ability to sit down and sort everything out in one’s mind. For many, this is a good thing. To be able to sort through all the chaotic memories and to truly appreciate them can be a good thing. But that’s a lie. Allowing a person to sit and sort through past events only leads to more chaos through the dreaded what if scenarios. Once our memories are sorted, we review them and begin to question our actions. What if I had done this or what if I didn’t do that? 100

She was my what if.101

What if I had never met her? Would I have been better off or worse off? That’s what was running through my head as I stood on the beach, staring at her. Her very beauty made me so weak. I had no control over my memories, allowing them to flash through my mind as I stood there. She still had control over me, even after everything that had happened. With such a will and strength I was unaware of, I forced my flimsy legs to guide me towards her.102

Were we going out?103

That was the question that plagued me, as well as the cast, on our week long hiatus from the show. That was my what if that erupted forth from my idle time. But like I said, a week is way too long for a man to wait. So instead, I decided to do something that I rarely, no, that I have never done before in my life. I decided to take the initiative. Knowing that one of my friends would see her before our next show, I decided to write a letter. Cheesy, but for some odd reason, the fear of rejection was floating around in my mind. I would rather be rejected by letter than to have her physically by me to say so. That and I would be able to make a quick recovery. If she said no I could just write back and pass the whole situation off as a misunderstanding. If she said yes, well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 104

I thought of using the phone instead, but I knew I wouldn’t able to handle her voice. So I wrote out the letter, injecting the dating question in with such subtleness. I began to think again. Just how serious was she about this other boyfriend? I mean, after she told me she had one, I backed down. And yet she continued to come after me. Did she not care about this other guy? Again I remembered the picnic, but I picked up on a new detail. One of her friends asked, “So where’s your boyfriend?” She looked at her and answered, “Oh he’s at home.” 105

The tone of voice she used when she said this, it was like she didn’t even care about him. With this new detail fresh in my mind, I forged on with my letter, placing all around the question various other tidbits in hopes of making the question insignificant. I wish I could remember what I wrote, but it just kind of flowed out. All I remember is that I was invigorated and positive. The answer that I hoped for kept ringing in my ear. Yes, yes, oh God yes.106

Finished, I folded the letter up and wrote out the final word upon it: her name. With the utmost confidence, I reassured myself that this was the right route to take. I gave the letter to my friend and hoped. Hoped for the best.107

Once again, I fell victim to false hope.108

Just a few more steps and I would be next to her. My breath began to shorten and my legs weakened once again. I wanted to collapse. I stopped again. 109

She remained in the same spot. 110

Head upraised and looking out over the ocean. She just stared, unblinking. I wondered just what could be going through her mind. Maybe what had happened in the past or where the future lead. Maybe she just lived in the present, staring at the ocean waves and thinking nothing more. I wished I could do that. To this very day I still do. I want to be able to clear my mind of everything and just appreciate the moment. Even at times when it seemed like I was doing this, I wasn’t.111

Like the first time I kissed her.112

That was the best moment in my life, and yet I couldn’t help but think and wonder just where our relationship was heading. My mind was never clear. I don’t think it ever will be. After a short break, I regained my breath and began to walk again. As I did, I looked over to my left, far back behind her. A series of small cliffs blocked my sight from seeing what lay behind them. On top of one of these hills sat a small cabin. An old man and woman sat in chairs, while a young boy and girl sat on the edge of the porch in front of them. They sat together, just staring at us. But why? Who were they? 113

She may know who they are.114

And so the anticipation set in.115

Not the good kind of anticipation, the kind that is praised in that old philosophy, “Anticipation is the best part.” No, this was the bad kind. The kind where you can’t sleep or when you do you can only dream about what you anticipate. The kind where you have no appetite and are always sweating or have the goose bumps. This was the kind of anticipation that drives a man insane. Idle time also works with anticipation. It gives a person more time to anticipate, since his mind is idle and has nothing else to do. And for some odd reason, the extreme anticipation that I was experiencing made me lose the power of inner monologue. So there I would be, sitting up in the middle of the night, in my darkened room, talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that everything would work out. I would run scenarios out in my mind, usually the kind that revolved around me and her being together. We would be out together in an open field, or in my room watching a movie together and cuddled close, or at a party with her and everyone laughing at my jokes. I know that sounds corny as Kansas on the fourth of July, but when a person is actually experiencing these events, especially for the first time, one can’t help but be swept away in the predictable teenage drama. 116

The note finally arrived.117

My friend Larry delivered the note. As he handed it to me, he said, “Good luck man.” I laughed and thanked him. Giddy as hell, I ran upstairs to my room, slammed the door, and locked it. If I was going to read this, I couldn’t be distracted. I needed time to muster up all the courage I was capable of mustering. Realizing this was never going to happen, I decided to create a false sense of courage just so I could open the folded letter. 118

The letter lay there upon my pillow while I stared at it, pondering my tactic of attack. My name was written upon it, two little lines underlining it. An hour passed before I thought, “It’s a piece of damn paper!” I pounced upon the note and unfolded it.  119

A false sense of courage had finally set in.120

The note was opened and I closed my eyes. I just needed a moment. My eyes opened and I began to read. Rather than read like a normal person, my eyes fell downwards, picking out the keywords and phrases.121

“Sorry.”122

“I thought you knew.”123

“Serious boyfriend.”124

“Really, I’m sorry.”125

“You’re a nice guy.”126

Amazing what a simple piece of paper can do to a person.127

I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She didn’t turn or react in any way. She just continued to look out at the Oceanside. Rather than talk, I decided to look out with her. It was dusk and the sun was cut in half by the oceanic horizon line. It was big and orange, its edges wobbling. Though it didn’t seem to be setting anymore. It appeared to be slowing down. In fact, everything around me seemed to be slowing down. The seagulls that were flying overhead were slowing down, their calls distorted and lowered in pitch. The waves were slowing down as well, their rhythmic motions more majestic than before. Everything around us was stopping, freezing in place.128

The moment was captured. 129

We remained silent, just staring out at the captured moment. For a moment, I thought she was frozen as well, but then she spoke. 130

“You know this never happened.”131

“I know. It just seemed like a nice place.”132

“It’s beautiful.”133

“Not as beautiful as you.”134

“Stop it.”135

“Sorry. I just can’t help it.” There was another silence.136

“You know this can’t last forever. You knew that from the start.”137

I was pissed and sad.138

Even though I swore I would never feel these two emotions at the same time again, I couldn’t help it. This time, however, it was more justified. The first time I experienced these feelings was brief. I didn’t really care. But the second time, when I was in so much deeper, it hurt so much more. I just sat there at the end of my bed, paralyzed, staring down at the note in my hand. I watched as my hand closed up, crushing the paper. My hand tightened, the corners of the paper stabbing into my hand. 139

I was speechless, thoughtless, and action less.140

With some time, I was able to stand up from my bed and go get a beer. I took a couple big gulps when I realized I didn’t want to drink. I would just end up with a bad hangover, puke in my hair, and the memory of rejection still stuck in my head along with a headache. Not wanting to waste the beer, I chugged down the rest and tossed the bottle. I returned to my post and continued to stare at my clenched up fist. It was beginning to hurt, but I don’t remember the physical pain and I don’t think I felt it either. The emotional pain was there, though, and in abundance. I can’t remember a single thought running through my mind, not even a simple, “That bitch.” I had nothing. Just a clenched fist and a sick feeling in my stomach. Awhile passed and I realized something: I was going to see her tomorrow for our next theatre performance. I grew sicker, having to lie down on my bed. 141

I felt doomed. Doomed for the rest of my life. 142

"But you're wrong, I can make it last forever."143

"No, you're the one who’s wrong. Don't deny it anymore. It's already over. Look around you." I looked as she said to and saw everything beginning to move again. The seagulls that were frozen overhead began to move again, releasing their screeching calls. The ocean waves resumed their rhythmic flow, gently washing against the golden sand. The sun continued its descent, the sky shifting away from a golden color to a color of dark purple, which would soon be black.144

"I never meant for it to be this way. I didn't want to be cruel. I thought you knew all along. I never meant to hurt you."145

"It never felt that way to me. I was just so pissed off and upset that I couldn't even think straight. Deep down inside, I knew you never meant to do what you did." We were silent again. Both watching as the sun began to descend. As the sun lowered away down into the ocean depths, the family behind us began to fade away; ashes where they once stood. The hills were followed next, ashes as well. I turned away from the fearful sight. I wasn't afraid because of the possibility of ash, but of the fact that my very world was crumbling. This would truly be the last time I would ever see her. I became frantic, knowing of the impending doom. 146

"It can't end, not now. It's too soon I'm not ready."147

"Shhh," she turned for the first and last time to look at me. "It's okay. I'll always be with you. All those memories. I gave you those to get by. I want you to remember that I never hated you or played you in any way. The emotions we exchanged were real. I never faked anything." She looked past me to the ash, which were only feet away. 148

"What happened at the picnic was probably the best day of my life. Remember that day and nothing will stop you in life. I'll always be here, on the Oceanside." I was too panicked and scared to talk, and she could see it in my eyes.149

We kissed. As our lips met, the ash surrounded us. The life that I always imagined I would have with her, the moments that I did have and that I wished I had was over. We only kissed for several seconds before her body turned to ash. 150

I awoke drowning in my own sorrow.151

Water was pouring down around me from everywhere. My eyes were blurred and filled with water. I wiped it away, clearing my sight. It was dark out. But there was a single weak light that shone down on me. A voice called out.152

"Hey are you okay?" It was so sweet and angelic. I thought it was her. I called out for her. 153

"No my name is Jenny. Are you okay? You don't look so good."154

"Where am I?"155

"Well nonspecifically, you're in front of my house."156

"I don't know where she went. Where-"157

"Do you wanna come inside? I can help you clean up. You're not crazy or anything are you?"158

"No, I'm not. I was in love, but not homicidal crazy."159

"I've been down that road before. I just went through a bad breakup too. I'll tell you what, why not come inside and we can exchange tales of sorrow. Who knows, maybe we'll feel better afterwards." I hesitated, but I remembered what she said. I knew that she would always be on the Oceanside. I could see her smiling, urging me on to live life.160

"Yeah, maybe I will come in." She helped me out of the gutter and into her house.161

I still see her to this very day. Standing so gorgeously on the beach, the sun shining down on her. She doesn’t look the way she used to. She is always changing, and yet always so magnificent in her beauty. She is always with me, helping me move on with my life. It's because of her that I am who I am. And because of that, I will always love her. 162

My lady of the Oceanside…  163