In a Distant Place

There used to be two of us, in this deserted and barren land. Together we struggled and worked hard every day, just to eke out an existence for the both of us. Together we discovered there were beautiful things, about this deserted and barren land. At night, there were the stars, and at day, there was each other. 1

It had been like that for a long time, and I've almost forgotten how it was before I met you. Life was so blurry before I met you, there was nothing to focus on, nothing to think about. Nothing to see, nothing to do, no reason to be.2

Then you came and everything changed. You came, and there was a reason, a joy, in feeling the hot wind swirl across my skin and sink into my lungs. A reason to relish the sun kissing my hair and eyelids. A reason to rejoice in my own existence. Because every day that I was alive, was another day that I was with you. You meant everything to me, I couldn't live without you.3

We were never apart, not for a single moment in all that time together. Maybe that was our mistake. It felt impossible to be without you. It became impossible to be with you. I remember the first day you began to pull away. You stopped smiling for the first time in months, and I saw the distance stretch out in your eyes. It pulled you from me, and though I grabbed your hand and called out to you, you never came back. 4

How did I know something was wrong? Because even though, after a moment, you blinked and smiled at me, the distance I saw in your eyes stayed there, and you were still gone. I held you tightly to my chest and prayed for your return, but you had already left me and I didn't know if you'd ever come back.5

Time passed. Panic and fear set in. Together we continued to eke out an existence, but we stopped being happy. You still smiled, and I still smiled, but we both knew we were lying. The distance spread throughout your body, and you couldn't stand to touch me anymore. There were no kisses, no hugs, only half-hearted attempts to hold me. I clung to you, you pushed me away. I didn't know where you were going and I wasn't willing to let you go. But I didn't know how to follow you. I didn't know how to bring you back.6

I had never felt so alone as I did in that time with you. The memories of those happier times, of gazing at the stars and telling each other our secrets, of smiling and loving and needing each other, they taunted me with what I was losing. One night while you were sleeping beside me, I grabbed you and held on. You rolled away and I didn't follow. I knew something bad was coming, but I couldn't stop it.7

I'm so sorry, my love. I wish I had known how to stop it.8

Three nights ago you fell asleep before me, as you were prone to do. I guess in your distance you knew peace, but all I knew was torment. Our past together, our future together, everything that was supposed to be, it all danced before my eyes. I was crying, and I couldn't see. I was shaking, and I couldn't feel. I couldn't feel anything but this great and terrible pain, this emotional rage, this overwhelming sense of Loss. This desperation to keep you. I grabbed you again, and this time, I refused to let go. I held tighter and tighter, as you struggled to get away, I screamed that I loved you. My tears fell into your mouth and you choked, continued choking. You didn't make any noise, and your struggling didn't last long. The light faded from your eyes and I was glad, because the distance was gone too.9

You were gone, gone for good. I had made you go away. I had crushed you. 10

And now there is no reason to continue hoping. I didn't know I had held onto this hope for so long, until it was gone. You took, with your last heartbeat, all my reasons to keep living. You took, with your last breath, every reason to keep breathing. Three days ago I stopped trying to eke out an existence from this barren land. And today, I've finally run out.11

I'll never forget the last thing you said before I killed you. You told me you still loved me, but I didn't believe it. As you were dying though, I realized the truth. I saw your tears and knew I was wrong, that you had meant it. But at that point it was too late to stop and you knew it, and I knew it. But you saw in my eyes that I knew you loved me, and you smiled in that final moment. I'll never ever forget the last real smile you gave me, it'll be the only thing I'll hold on to as the darkness comes for me. Because, you know, I still love you too. And though you're gone and there's no reason to live, I will smile in my last moments as well, because I know you loved me and you're waiting, just on the the other side of this darkness. Wait for me love, the darkness will be here soon.12