His feet grudgingly drug themselves up the bus stairs. One hand gripped the cold, steel rail. Over his shoulder was slung a single, black backpack. His eyes looked around the bus, finding a seat near the front he fell into it. The seat made a slight, rusted creaking noise as he sat down.1
Sweating, he brushed his hair back. Inside his chest, he could hear the rhythmic pounding of his heart. His arms were wrapped tightly around the backpack, holding onto it as if it would kill him to let go.2
As the bus began to drive off and with every bump it hit in the road, his arms clung tighter around the backpack. Sleep was apparent in the boy's eyes, but despite the developing black circles that formed under his dull, green eyes, he kept them open.3
Open road lay ahead of him, so much open road. Outside the scratched, glass window, a thick layer of blackness covered the sky. Taking one glance out the window, behind him he saw city lights scattered across the horizon in all their glory. Then, he took one glance up to the faint stars in the sky and whispered, "I've listened to my calling. Tell me where to go from here."4
That was the last time he looked back.
Author notes
A contest entry
- Titles and Pictures by Mel-the-Believer.
100 points, ended July 18, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me your opinions on my story. I'd appreciate it.
Comments
-
This was really well written. I didn't really understand it, it was so short, but it was really good nevertheless. I like the description - it made it all the more mysterious. Good luck and keep writing!
-
Wow, short, yet very good. I liked this a lot. It left a lot of questions in the mind, but they weren't questions that needed to be answered. You want to know who exactly is he, where's he going, etc. Questions like that. I liked it. Thank you so much for entering. Good luck. God Bless!
-
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this story, but I wanted to comment regardless. I hate when I post something and it goes unread. Maybe I'm not the one to say, but I had a hard time reading through the beginning. You added a lot of extra words. I'll show you what I mean...
"Over his shoulder was slung a single, black backpack."
I've just barely learned not to over-do it...instead of saying single-because the reader should know he's carrying just one, unless you mention a lunch box or something else-I would recommend leaving it out. Re-read that sentence with out and tell me what you think. If it doesn't sound right, don't change it.
Otherwise, your description was perfect and I loved it! Great work...
Adding your comment:
