No Air

Five years old and still not capable of swimming. That explains why she’s drifting slowly on the edges of the pool. That was the only place she could stand with her head above the surface of the water~ and that was while jumping constantly, barely standing on her toes. She watched in vain as her older cousins swam back and forth. Of course they were tall enough, the pool was only four and a half feet, and they were well into their teenage years, but they could /swim./ Although considered more mature than most five-year-olds, she still felt painfully small and weak for not going across the middle. 1

After an hour or two, they all heard their aunt calling them for lunch. Her cousins swam to the edge and climbed out. She was still on the opposite side of the pool; It’ll take her forever to get to the ladder. Without thinking, she started to cross across the middle. At first she didn’t panic, she could still feel the bottom at points of time. Eventually she knew something was wrong. The floor had disappeared. She had began to sink. She panicked, waving her hands and crying out for help. Who had saved her? It must have been one of the boys. She didn’t remember. She remembered crying~ the last time she cried flat our in front of the whole family. Other than that, that day, that life, was just a blur. She didn’t realize how that day would alter her life. 2

***3

She never learned how to swim well. She never even dared to cross the middle of that pool until she was 4’7.” That must have been fourth or fifth grade. Years grew on and she watched her younger cousins learn to swim. She was mocked, they told her she was afraid, but she denied it every time. Her father tired to teach her, but each time she choked, remembering the lack of air. She didn’t swim until well into her middle school years, and by then it was quite public, she couldn’t swim. 4

***5

All the adults, even the boy who saved her, had forgotten about that day. Most knew that she was afraid of deep waters, but they all forgot the fateful day that made her afraid. Even she had forgotten. It was a distant memory~ barely existent~ she had blocked form her mind. She was determined to make it so it didn’t exist. She ignored the nightmares. She ignored the sudden feeling of no air when she went into a pool or when she was on a boat. She shrugged off all feelings of weakness, just saying that she was nervous around water. 6

One night, 10 years after that day, the memories rushed back into her. She had been watching The Titanic with her father. She had watched many times before, but never really paid attention to the sinking scenes. She watched all the people ready to drown or freeze to their deaths. All of the sudden she felt like she couldn’t breathe; the thought of all those people drowning terrified her. All of the sudden the exact details of those moments rushed into her. She calmed herself after a few moments~ her father was in the kitchen, missing the episode. She tried to block the memories out of her again, to no avail. 7

She went to bed that night, and every night after that, shaking, feeling as if she had no air. Her nightmares became worse, and so did her thoughts. Summer is right around the corner, and she’ll have to meet with water again. 8

***