His heart....

His heart bleeds for something he has lost. His hope has faded and his world collapsed. In less then a year HE WHO HAS LOVED HAS LOST.1

They meet one rainy day outside of school. She had nothing to give but love. He didn't want anything but that. He offered her protection form the rain not knowing that this one act of kindness would kill him later. They exchanged cell-phone numbers and went their way. His phone rings moments later, she has no place to go. The sun came out and they spent sometime together. They were so different however they still shared the same goal. Love.2

The sun shining on their young faces, as they share one kiss. One extraordinary kiss, Their lips look like they were prefect for each other. Like if they were meant to solve a puzzle. But of course their love didn't stay together. 'Cause EVEN puzzles fall apart.3

"I must go. Its just for a couple of months I will be back and then you would be all mines again." She got on the plane an toke all his love with her. His hands had no-one to touch. 4

His point of view: She is gone, my hands are left untouch I have to do something...but to whom do I give love to? To whom do I care for?5

Her point of view:Oh, how I miss him... but I will be with him. I will call. I well find moments to talk to him.6

One month passed and this new girl tugged at his arms pulling him away for  his love thats waiting to come back home. Miles apart there view have changed. She wanting for him to call back and him spenting this time with a new girl.7

She didnt know that she was being disowned because he would take her calls and say he loved her even when the new girl had owned his heart. Even when she sat right next to him. Still she didnt know what was happening she could had never seen what was to come of this.8

" Am coming home my love, Then we could spend are lives together. Have a small white house with a picket fince and a bolcany on the seond floor. With a garden that steachs for mile. 9

(not done!!!)10

 11

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    May 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is a sad story.

    The sun shining on (their) young faces,

    then you would be all (mine) again.

    left (untouched.) I have to do something...but to (whom) do I give love?

    Her (point) of view:


    This is another shorty. You could describe their surroundings, their personalities and appearance, and the feelings and emotions more.

    This story has plenty of potential, but I feel it needs to be expanded.

    Andy


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    May 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A sad love story. While it shows the reader the pain of loss, I’m not certain about the reason behind it. Do you plan to length this in the future; I hope so because you have a good beginning here .

    You do have a bit of editing to do (don’t we all ). Watch for their, there and they’re which is a contraction of they are. Also check your spelling.

    Welcome to SW if you have any questions feel free to ask--we will try to help.


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    alright

    this is a nice story. short and to the point. Lots of grammatical errors though..perhaps a proof-read? Enjoyed it none-the-less...well done.

  • xxlovesocksxx
    May 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I AM NOT DONE!!!

    Other that I dont have anything to say.

1 - 5 of 5