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I stood on the edge of the building's roof and looked down at the traffic below me. I knew I shouldn't keep standing here, but somehow couldn't get myself to walk away. I just stood there, swaying gently with the wind. Then, I heard the footsteps behind me, gently approaching. I knew who they belonged to, and what that person wanted, but I had to stay and watch. 2
They came closer, eventually stopping at my back. They were so close I could hear them breathing. Suddenly, they took a breath and held it. The next thing I knew, there was the point of a knife barely pointing out of my stomach. I looked down, expectant, and was satisfied with the results. I had guessed this would happen, and i was right.3
The person behind me removed the knife and I began to bleed. As my life drained from me, I asked myself if there was a reason that i had stayed here, awaiting a fate I could have run from. Almost immediately, the wind spoke to me. 4
"You've run so long, and you are so tired. You have been weighed down with a great burden, and now you can release it so that you can fly through the clouds with me."5
This was true. I have spent my life running. I've run from fear, love, responsibility, my friends and family, and I've even run from myself more than once. I thanked the wind for this knowledge. And then it started to rain.6
The water then spoke to me.7
"For all of your life, you have seen the need to cleanse the world. You have known the need to wash it clean. As you are, you can do nothing. However, when we are joined, together we can purify the world."8
This, also, was true. Everything around me was dirty, filthy, wrong. From sex and violence in the media to crime and drugs on the street, I saw it all. For so long I have wanted to change it, wash it all away, but I could not. I thanked the water for this knowledge.9
Then, from the stone and metal of the building, the earth spoke to me.10
"Against your will, you have seen yourself above others, even as you deserved to be beneath their feet. Always have you shown nothing more than superiority, always treading on others for your achievement. Once we are one, we shall lift the low and downtrodden high into the world. With us beneath their feet, they will reach heights unattainable even to you."11
This was true as well. All my life I had seen myself as super-human. I had used those I had seen beneath me to reach the top. The way I had wronged them was unforgivable, but I would do what I could to fix it. My body would now be used by others to achieve greatness, even more than my own. I thanked the earth for this knowledge.12
Then, from the warmth of my heart, the fire spoke to me.13
"All your life you have been without passion, without care. You have realized that in the state you are in, nothing you can do will be enough to make up for this atrocity. Once I have consumed you, we will be joined. Then and only then can we spread care, compassion, honor and rightousness in a blaze of humanity covering the world."14
This, like the others, was true. My life had been spent hard, cold, selfish. Now, as my heart beats its last, it knows that there is no hope for me here. I realize that once my spirit is released, I will have the power to change the world for the better and, hopefully, make up for the evil I had caused. I thanked the fire for this knowledge. And then, the world exploded within me.15
As my wound finally erupted in agonizing pain, the chaos, insanity, destruction, sadness, pain, despair, and misery of the world spoke to me.16
"You are my father. You were my master. As was your bidding, so did I do. Families were destroyed and lives were ruined by my hand, guided by your will. So long as you exist, my presence shall always be. This you have known and this you accept. With your passing, I pass as well. As we are ripped apart from one another, the chaos shall calm, the pain will fade, and the misery will give way to joy. As we die, I bid farewell to you, my father."17
As the voice of chaos spoke to me, I realized that this was the truest statement of the rest. My life had been devoted to chaos. Every place I went, every decision I made, left destruction in its wake. Never did I see the chaos I had caused, but now, with my last breath, I can see. I thank the chaos for this knowledge, but do not mourn its passing.18
As my heart slows and my blood empties from my veins I am aware of all I had missed. A life spent in achievement and success, all the while hiding a tale of death and destruction. At this moment, I realize what the world has seen for such a long time. I also know that I do not want to die. 19
As i stand on the edge of the building's roof and look down at the traffic below me, I know why I did not run. I know why i did not fear. I know why I accepted my fate. I was a wanted man with no reward. I knew the no matter where I went, there would be someone trying to do the same thing. With this in mind, I spend my last effort to turn around on the edge of the building and look at my son.20
Before I speak my peace, my legs fail me and i fall. Such a long fall. The wind rushes past me for an eternity or more. As it does, it takes my spirit to soar among the heavens and clouds, high above the world, always watching over.21
The rain is there as well, washing away my soul. As it does, we are joined in our constant descent towards the earth, always washing away the filth. Together we shall cleanse the earth, one rainfall at a time.22
My heart finally stops, and my body grows cold as the fire leaves with my flame of life. As my life leaves me, it will touch the lives of the world and with each, leave a little bit of warmth to fend off the cold, dark world.23
Finally, my body stops its descent. As I make contact, the earth takes me in. Forever will we be here, a stepping stone for those on their way to the top. It will be on me that they walk, a just fate indeed. 2425
Author notes
This is a pre-write for a contest.
i hate doing prewrites, but this one fit perfectly with options 1 and 11 and i just had to put it in.
A contest entry
- Anything. Just good stories! by Reaver.
150 points, ended May 19, 2008, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Choices! by Writing0Freedom.
825 points, ended August 12, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes Prompts and Non-Prompts by GrimDeath.
1000 points, ended October 12, 40 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Well Written, full of emotion and depth. Great Job and good luck in the contest.
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Nicely rounded out and tied up there! I was wondering if we'd learn the profession of the victim; mass-murdering political tyrant came to mind. And the killer, wow, didn't see that coming. A great story! Very powerful in your imagery.
I did find a couple places that distracted me from the flow of your story.
P3, It struck me as a bit repetitious to have point and pointing in the same sentence involving the actual stabbing.
P20, the no matter what s/b that no matter what
And someone already mentioned the "i" thing; I do that too, the forgetting to hit Shift.
But dang-u, this was an awesome tale. Very powerful for its shortness. I see why people are awarding it trophies.
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Holy hell. I just had to see who took first. Might I add that this is magnificent? No pieces to this puzzle are missing and each falls directly into place with a snug fit. Your words flowed perfectly and the conception behind it was amazing. Each word keeps your mind running and thinking and going "Wow... That's a good point." Each paragraph strikes the mind, body and soul with a spark of change.
I wouldn't change a single thing. I wish I could give you more applauses because this piece deserves a standing ovation. Nice work. -Claps-
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I love this. It was really amazing. I liked how you told the story through the elements and gave the reader a way to see through the characters soul. There wasn't too much explanation about who exactly he is but you did not need it. YOu told this story beautifully! This is outstanding! Thank you for entering and thank you for putting your option in the Authors notes because many people didn't!
WritingFree -
'graph 2: your generic use of the pronoun "they" in this paragraph complicates things at the end of this 'graph and the next. For example,
Then, I heard the footsteps behind me, gently approaching. I knew what "they" wanted, but I had to stay and watch. --> This sounds like you knew what the footsteps wanted.
"They" came closer, eventually stopping at my back. --> Again, you have yet to establish who "they" is/are so the readers assumes you're still talking about footsteps.
"They" were so close I could hear them breathing.---> Again, it reads like the footsteps are breathing, which is an especially nice trick! LOL...you need to establish a better way to introduce this mysterious character who has stabbed the narrator. The overuse of the pronoun "they" really confuses the prose.
The elements as metaphors was a nice touch, but having fire come from your heart was a bit of a stretch. You need to be careful to remember to capitalize the pronoun "I"...in multiple instances it is not capitalized. Revising this piece wouldn't be a bad idea to really clean it up and fix some of the inconsistencies.
This was a nice effort. Keep writing! -
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well, that kinda makes a bit of sense. thanks for the note, i can see where it would be grammatically confusing for the reader. i will be sure to go back and find more appropriate ways to express my intent for these sections. sadly, grammer is my extremely weak point -_-
as for the "I" capitalization, that's kinda a problem of mine. i'm used to MS Word so i forget to use the shift key sometimes. i'll try to be more mindful of it in the future.
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I read this before, and I'm sorry I didn't comment. You entered another story in one of my contests, I think?
I love this. This is beautiful, particularly in the way you use the elements! Very well done!
HT
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Dynamic!!!! Bravo!!
Wow....this was a truly brilliant way to direct this prompt. You’re descriptions of feeling, environment and contemplation are implausible. The way you structure each sentence with such care is astounding to say the least. I felt sad, hopeful, hopeless…all at the same time. I enjoyed it from beginning to end and essentially read it twice. You're skill is astounding and stimulating. You’re a spot on talent and I wish you all the best, though, I doubt you need any help
(Dynamic applause!!)
Thank you for the pleasure!
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Impressive, I must say. I love the metaphors of earth, fire, water...the beautiful and natural elements of our world. You took death into a perspective I never would have thought of, recognition of your wrongs. I love it! You wrote with such ease and I flowed along with it. Great work!
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