Captivation

Once, there was a saint sea, me above the sail1

You rose out of your own ocean, sailing towards me.2

I drew in your beauty, your style, your personality.3

I drew in your scent, inhaling deeply, looking into your big brown eyes.4

You flipped your hair, you giggled a giggle.5

You and your friends laughed at the sight of me, hair bedraggled and messy.6

You left me standing there, how could you?7

I loved you, you liar, you liar.8

Now, you're off with your own love, marrying and cherishing.9

I'm slowly crying, drowning, slipping into the underground.10

Author notes

orange

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • SparklingMoonlight
    June 30, 2008

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    Wow, original and different from anything else i've read in this contest so far( which is a good thing!!) Well writtena and well expresses hurt love. Best of luck and thanks for entering!


    ~lil~

  • trackrunnengirl24
    May 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow. i liked it. good luck and thanks for entering.


  • callthexylophone
    May 10, 2008

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    I like this, and was suprised it came from somebody named "ChrisBrownLover," but it could use some polishing. "Your style" "big brown eyes" and "giggled a giggle" make your poem seem juvenile and even cheesy. Switch at least those three phrases and you'll have a really good piece that sounds mature and echoes the Birth of Venus. I especially like "you liar, you liar." Very cool.


    • Rock-n-roll
      May 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, I know, I'm not much of a writer, but I am trying to start somewhere! Thanks for the great advice though, appreciate it much! I'll take it. Thanks again,

      CBL


  • NinjaMegami
    May 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    .....

    mmmmm...i don't know what to say.......i just.....want to comment on each, but i don't want to say what i truly think. i always change my mind....oh! there i go babbling on! sorry!

1 - 5 of 5