The Hoard

"So, the forest is where they hide eh?" Shade snarled as he looked on into the foreboding eternity that was the border between the kingdom of Locust and Castor.1

"Surprisingly so, such bandits are foolish not to retreat farther from the Hoard. What shall we do general?" Spoke the hunchback hoardling that attempted to stand upright. His skin crackling like burnt bark, and his eyes as hallow as a cactus, and as yellow as fresh urine.2

"Have the Dracolich(Undead Dragon) and Imps into the encamptment."  3

"But sire.."4

"What is it Sirrah?"5

"The Dracolich would be heading too far into Castor territory, it perhaps be best if you-" The Hoardling was interrupted.6

"I'll go alone." Shade said with solid resolve in his tone.7

"But but sir!"8

In no longer than it took for Sirrah to utter those three words did Shade turn his head and fire the hoardling eyes so cold, the fire imp bowed at Shade's feet and begged for forgiveness.9

"I apologize for my treachery sire. Forgive me."10

By this time Shade was already gone, dissolved into a shadow that quickly flew through the shadows of the trees that slowly turned from charred and black to nearly healthy green. In no time at all had Shade come across Castor paladins. They talked while he lurked like a hungry animal, stalking his pray.11

"The Sons Of Heresy agreed to surrender us what again?"
Questioned one paladin in the gold and white plated armor.12

"A gem that controls the Hoard. It's essential to obedience in Locust." Answered the seasoned paladin.13

"Wait, so your saying, that one gem can manipulate the movement of the Hoard?"14

"Quite so..."15

"Then why doesn't Heresy use it against us." Asked the same paladin. The older knight bolted into hysterical laughter.16

When he regained his composure. The older knight spoke, "They're bandits young elf! They know nothing of magick, only pick and bow!"17

"Why did Castor send only us to retrieve this precious stone?"18

At this question Shade burst from the shadow and whipped out his weapon. A cane. No ordinary cane. It had an eagles foot at the hilt, and in it, was a pitch black stone. One of which that pulsated with the grief of millions of Locust denizens. Shade pointed the stone at the younger of the Paladins. And out from it came a pure, distilled, streak of dark energy in it's purest form. 19

Unfortunately the Paladin jumped out of the way and unsheathed his blade. "It's him!" He yelled incredulously as he charged for Shade.20

"No Dinym! He it too powerful your rank!" Shouted the experienced Paladin as he displayed his blade and chased after his companion.21

But twas too late. Shade had Dinym by the neck, his hand burning like acid against the thick armor. Dinym had already dropped his weapon, it lay dead, and rusting as it's master lost it's shine.22

"Dinym!" Screamed the older Paladin. And no sooner had Shade remembered his presence, did he fire his cane once again, but this time striking his foe square in the chest. Burning like black fire on the touch armour that had already began losing it's luster.23

"Paladins of Castor. Rats of the Weak. Hear thy bellow. No light outshines the grand power of dark. SONS OF HERESY I COME FOR THEE!" Shade projected throughout the forest. sending quakes of sounds crackling throughout the wilderness. Charring the healthy trees that were in it's radius.24

Shade dropped the now dead Dinym, and walked over to the corpse that was Dinyms headmaster, for something familiar poked from a bag that was untouched, surprisingly. Shade reached his hand in and was surprised by what he had found. 25

"So you were a traitor of Castor I see. Taking the Gem for yourself while we fight in blind anger. You saved me valuable time. And thought me the waining allegiance you and your lost knighthood have for Castor. Led me thy soul, for you will be welcomed home in the capitol of Locust. A hoardling you now become, my pet as well. Let us be off, for we cannot keep the others waiting." Shade turned his tail and up from the paladin jagged armor was a small black blob of shadow, then silently formed into something dog-like. Shade smirked as he began walking with gem in hand, and a new imp to follow him aimlessly. Just like a dog eh? Blind Loyalty. Just like it once had for it's country, that now, due to defection, was for Locust. and Only...for Locust.

Author notes

This was a spontaneous write, for an application to a roleplay group. Enjoy!

A contest entry

It's bad, just say it.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • amanda vampiress silver member
    December 6, 2008

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    This was a good write and very unique. In parts there were a few grammar errors and the dialogue in some parts seemed a little forced, but for the most part...you did capture a other worldly feel with the vocabulary you used. Good choice there. The characters were believable to a point. The descriptions you used were very good, most especially to describe the shade's trek over the lands, and the imps being dog like and a blobish thing. Keep up the good work, and good luck in my contest.


  • wolfcub
    August 25, 2008

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    This has quite a strong plot, but I don't think it came through as that very well. If you extended it a bit, to about 1,000words or so, you'd have more time to elaborate and I thnk it would leave the reasder with a better impression.
    Good characters and quite good language, all though I thought some phrases (like as soon as, no sooner than) were overused. maybe they weren't, but they seemed to be, possibly because you used them badly?
    Thankyou for entering and good luck
    Katie

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    June 14, 2008
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    Okat for my little confuzzled mind I saw some parts of it clearly... Like I said for people clicking on it (lawwl like me) who arent to swavy with names and such it might be great to explain in more detail ... not character development as such cause its clear who wears the pants (lawwl) but more so the scenery and terms of your story.

    Otherwise it was great to read something I normally dont... and I though for what my bliar dumb brain could muster and work out it was interesting and a great start

    blair


  • Asfand
    May 10, 2008

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    I do think the story is a good fantasy write, it has this unique structure and storyline plus the plot is nice.

    Although I do think your writing structure needs some smoothing over. In some places - incorrect grammar, in others dialogue was a bit strained. Watch the description - never compare eyes to fresh urine, that made me puke.

    Over all, it's a good storyline, but pay just a little more attention to the writing itself.

  • Lodkod
    May 9, 2008
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    no it was bad it was good dont work on your story just confudence cuz i liked it


    • Azzy Bear
      May 9, 2008
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      I think that was compliment on the story...I dont know. That was a very ambiguous comment..uhm, no punctuation. But thanks for reading anyway. (I ony understood the last three words..)

1 - 6 of 6