So

I was always aware of his presence. Even when he wasn't aware of mine. I always could tell where he was, if we were in the same room together, all I had to do was scan the room, and I would be able to spot the back of his head, but I would already know which part of the room, whether it was because his voice floated crossed the room, or because I could just, sense, him. Always.1

My heart beat faster as I thought about him again, and saw his face as he entered the cafeteria. He would never notice me. But it was okay to look at him right? Even though, I would never stand a chance.2

And then, a thought, a random thought, surprised me, from the back of my mind. I love him. I thought. And I jumped at the thought, I had known it all along, but it had never, just surprised me, coming out of hiding like that.3

I had hoped it was just a crush, so that he wouldn't break my heart unknowingly, so I wouldn't need him, or think about him every second of the day. So that my heart wouldn't break whenever I saw him with her. All of the time. Every minute of everyday. Except for class. They had a completely different schedule.4

I looked away quickly, pretending that I didn't look at him, or give him a second thought. 5

I kept my eyes discreetly on him all through the lunch line. And then, I sat down crossed the room, and was invited in by other thoughts, willing to be distracted from him.6

Author notes

option 1. and my favourite food is pizza, I guess. I don't really have a favourite food. oranges are ucky. Shikasgirl

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Comments


  • toolenduso
    May 27, 2008

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    Great job! I really enjoyed this piece; it was a good, quick look at a true-to-life situation, and you did a great job developing it. I could complain about the lack of the description, but this particular story may have benefited from that, in that it left the story more open to the reader's interpretation and application of his or her own experiences.

    As far as mistakes go, I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors. I did, however, notice a somewhat overabundance of commas. Lighten up on 'em. My biggest criticism is that I think you could have set up a little more to the story, just to give it more of a running start and get the reader more into the story, and a bit slower of an ending. I think this has potential to be developed just a little bit more. Not necessarily into a full story (I do love a good concept piece), but just into more of a passage.

    Style: 9/10
    Flow: 9/10
    Uniqueness: 3/5
    Readability: 6/7
    Effect: 9/10
    Lack of Errors: 2/3
    Personal Score: 4/5
    Total: 42/50


  • whatami
    May 11, 2008

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    The ending didn't really seem like the end, is this finished? There's a lot of stories like this out there, this didn't stand out from any of them. But to make up for the limited words, your paragraphs were well written. Thanks, and good luck.


  • Tiger-Lily
    May 11, 2008

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    Wow,very interesting storyline. However, there are many out there such as this, the unnoticed admirer thing. But I love how you start it off, because that is a very real sense, indeed.

    HT


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    May 9, 2008

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    Oh I like this one: I must admit the lines taunted me into reading it...

    series or solo?

    Keep it up
    more more more