Dans Sa Peau [Two]

‘It is currently forty-three degrees in the city of San Francisco tonight reaching a top of sixty-five tomorrow and sixty three on Wednesday. We’re in for a cool week so rug up and stay warm.’ 1

Sebastian tuned out the radio-static voice of the weather reporter and stared blankly into the rich brown liquid of his milkshake. After school he had gone out to explore his new neighborhood at the request of his mother. She said that she wanted him to find the closest grocery store but he knew it was just a ruse in order to get him out of her hair for at least an hour or so while she unpacked the last of the boxes. So now he sat in a cosy forties style diner two blocks from his house staring into a milkshake he had no intention of drinking and wondering what his new life was going to bring. At the moment the answers to that question were cold weather and Codey. 2

Just the thought of him made the hand Codey had held tingle warmly as if to remind him that what happened today wasn’t just a figment of his imagination. It did happen and even though it was an accident he still wondered whether it was something he should be concerned about. Not on Codey’s account but on his own. 3

Back in Los Angeles his friends as well as himself hadn’t been all that tolerant of the gay community in his school. They used to give them a lot of shit but deep down he hated doing it; they were normal people too. The only problem was that if he stood up to his friends he would lose them. That’s how life was in the popular circle, one wrong move and you’d be thrown out on your ass. 4

Sebastian finished off his milkshake and slipped out of the quiet diner into the noise of the city. It had rained while he had been inside brooding over his milkshake so everything felt crisper, looked cleaner and the fine drizzle that was still falling blurred the streetlights at their edges. He crossed the intersection and slowly walked away from the bright lights of the intersection, head held low and hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. The sounds of jazz and smell of coffee warmed him up as he walked past a small ivy lined café which sat nestled between an apartment building and an occult bookstore. 5

Sebastian did a double take and stared in through the picture window. He’d never been into a shop like this before. It was something his mom would never allow and something his grandparents would’ve chastised him greatly for. After a moment of deliberation he pushed through the door and into the warmth of the store. 6

A young woman with long dark brown hair that fell past her shoulders looked up at him and smiled in greeting before returning to her novel. He liked shop owners like that, people who didn’t pounce on you as soon as you walked through the door. It gave him the chance to wander around without feeling obligated to buy anything. He wandered around the store running his fingers along the spines off books with titles that read: ‘Wicca for Beginners’, ‘101 Natural Remedies’ and ‘The Basics of Spell Casting.’ 7

He lifted ‘Wicca for Beginners’ from the shelf and read the first chapter. He was so engrossed in reading that he didn’t notice the shop owner coming up behind him to tap him on the shoulder. He started in fright and nearly dropped the book if it wasn’t for the quick reflexes of the woman.8

‘Woah,’ she smiled and handed the book back to him. ‘I didn’t mean to scare you. Just letting you know that I’m closing up now’9

He nodded and held the book up against his chest.10

‘I’ve never seen you in here before,’ she said as she lowered the blinds over the front window. ‘First time is it?’11

‘Y-yeah,’ he said attentively. ‘I’ve never actually been inside a store like this before,’ he admitted and examined the many herbs and other objects that were displayed behind the counter. 12

‘I can tell,’ she laughed. ‘What made you come in then?’13

He stared at her blankly for a moment. He didn’t think shed like to know that he came in just to defy his parents but underneath it all he did have an interest in the occult. He had always believed that magic was real he just didn’t think it was something he should be admitting to anyone in case they thought he was not only insane but still immature as well. 14

‘I dunno really,’ he said. ‘I mean, I’ve always thought magic was real and its something I’ve wanted to try for a while, it’s just something I can’t admit to thinking’15

She looked at him curiously. ‘Whys that?’16

‘My parents’ 17

She nodded. ‘I get told that a lot, mostly from teenage girls who are looking for a way to rebel against their parents mind you. You seem different though…more genuine’18

He smiled unsure of how to take the compliment. She saved him having to answer luckily and asked. ‘Are you going to buy the book then?’19

‘Oh?’ he said. ‘Oh yes. How much is it please?’20

‘Twenty-five dollars, plus tax’21

Sebastian handed over the money and allowed the woman to place his book into a plain brown bag. 22

‘I’m Taylor by the way,’ she said. ‘If you need any help just ask me.’23

“Sebastian…is me,’ he said.24

He was almost out the door when she called out to him: ‘An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will,’ she turned off the lights. ‘Remember that and you’ll be fine.’25

***26

A cool breeze pricked at Codey’s face and carried with it the scent of coffee from a coffeehouse somewhere down the street. Even from the vantage point of sitting on his window sill, half in half out and leaning against the wooden frame as he was now, he couldn’t see where exactly it was coming from. All he new was that it was making his stomach growl at him in protest, something it had been doing ever since he’d thrown out the frozen meal after he’d already cooked it in the microwave. He knew he wouldn’t have any intention of eating it but he still went through the motions of piercing the film lid of the meal in two places, putting it in the microwave which he then set to cook for seven minutes and then the process of waiting, watching the meal spin around in its dish and teasing his stomach into believing it was going to get something to eat. The meal now rest in the metal trash can he’d dutifully dragged out to the curb on the street below him along with the breakfast he hadn’t eaten that morning. 27

He took a drag from the cigarette which he held in the hand that was dangling out the window and exhaled slowly. He leaned his head back against the window frame and listened to the smooth slow voice of Sarah McLachlan playing on his stereo. It wasn’t music he usually listened to (what he usually listened to generally consisted of a lot of loud noise and screaming lyrics that always immediately made his mom feel angry when she walked into his room, or so she said) instead what he was listening to now he only ever usually played whenever he felt like pitching himself out the very window he was now precariously leaning on. Now there was a thought. He knew the fall most likely wouldn’t kill him but it would certainly leave a mess, not only of him but on the pavement outside the front as well. He could just imagine the old lady next door running out to see what had happened and then have a heart attack from the shock of what she saw. It amused him, not in a funny ha-ha way, but in the same way that people make jokes to relieve the tension and stress of a bad situation. 28

No, he wasn’t going to jump. Instead he flicked his cigarette down the side of the house and slid off the windowsill back into the warmth of his room. He sang softly along to the CD, ‘Angel’ being the song the player had randomly chosen, and closed the window tightly. His mother would never forgive him if he left it open. Even though they lived in one of the city’s safest neighborhoods his mother was still paranoid about people breaking in during the night and murdering them both in their beds. 29

He could recall the conversation they had had about the window:30

‘Mom, we live in a safe neighborhood no one is going to slash our throats. Unless you’ve been doing shady under the counter deals that you haven’t told me about’31

‘Codey, I’m the Assistant District Attorney for crying out loud. Can you just not be a smart ass for once and humor me ok?’ 32

So that he did. Now every night he made a point of slamming the window shut and shouting down the stairs that the place was now as secure as Fort Knox. 33

He didn’t do that tonight however seeing as his mother wasn’t home yet. Nine o’clock had come and gone and it was now closing in on midnight. No doubt his mother had been held up at the office working on one of those cases that were undoubtedly the reason she was so paranoid. 34

He turned out the lights, leaving only the lamp light on which gave the room a soft warm glow and undressed. It was a cold night and even though the window was now shut he still shivered when the cold air hit his naked body. He blushed at himself when he realized he was standing in front of the window and immediately drew the blinds. He knew people said he looked good and he also new that he was bigger than average where it counted but he still felt embarrassed. He looked down at his stomach, at the scars on his skin that stood out more sharply in the cold and was suddenly reminded once again of why he hated himself. Turning off his lamp he slid in between the cool sheets of his bed and curled up into a tight ball under the duvet. And then he began to cry. 35