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“This is really good stuff,” said Jose just before he inhaled again deeply.2
“Jamaican,” I replied. Jose was short and stout with a thin mustache shading his upper lip. Lying across his lap was Carol. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was the only one in the group who was not Hispanic.3
Angelica was my girl. Like the rest of us, she had dark hair and brown eyes. She was tall for a Mexican girl, nearly my height of almost six feet.4
Thomas was my height, but skinnier. Maria sat on the floor between his legs. She leaned into him seductively. We were watching movies, making out, and getting shitfaced on booze and pot.5
We were all on our way to a good time, but I was leading the pack. “Angelica, bring me another beer.” I was feeling quite polluted. 6
“Tell him to get it himself,” joked Carol. “You're not his fucking slave.”7
“I'm surprised Angelica doesn't send Juanito to get her a beer,” said Jose.8
“He's my widdle baby,” said Angelica in a childish cooing voice.9
“Get me that beer!” I said in mock anger.10
In a pretended rush, Angelica went into the kitchen and came back with an ice cold can of Miller beer. I drank it down quickly and had to stagger to the restroom to relieve myself.11
When I got back to the living room, I said, “Let's fuck.”12
“Let's fuck!” Angelica repeated. “You're too drunk to fuck.”13
I was as drunk as a skunk, but I was not to be dissuaded. I half dragged and was half carried by Angelica into the bedroom. I vaguely remembered us undressing each other and her warm naked body under mine. I must have passed out shortly after that. I don't know if I actually had sex with her or not.14
I woke from my stupor, crawled to my feet, and wobbled toward the living room. I groaned, “Oh Jesus! Hangovers suck!” I looked around my apartment...my blurry eyes slowly beginning to focus. I stumbled over to a figure lying half naked on the floor. I rolled him over with a grunt and saw a puddle of blood, sticky and dark red. On his chest was smeared blood and a dark hole to the right of his left nipple. I knew Jose was dead.15
My head felt like it had been split with an ax, but it was just the hangover. The discovery of Jose's body had shocked me sober. Maria was on the floor also. Her body was naked and bruised. She was beyond help, already a guest of heaven. Thomas was dead on the sofa staring blankly at the ceiling with eyes that could no longer see. Carol was naked on the armchair sideways with a small hole in her forehead, her blue eyes fixed and dilated. She, too, showed fresh bruising.16
I went to the bathroom and to my great sorrow found Angelica face down on the floor. She had been shot in the back of the head. Anger charged my veins and my face flushed with heat. I knew this had to be the work of the Renegades, a rival gang. They must have taken me for dead, or I would probably have had a bullet in me. My brothers and sisters dead!17
I was not the first time I'd seen death, but these were my close amigos and my woman! I ached inside and boiled with rage. The Renegades would pay!18
A contest entry
- Simple and Fun ... Get Your Grey Cells Working ... by RxxSpiritWolfxxJ.
250 points, ended June 13, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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oopppsss
Well, i clicked on 'return the favor', but , i have already read this one...lol. Guess i will go in search of another by you and get my favor in
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...so many daed people... i love your story. good luck in the contest
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story. I write a lot of dark stories.
Andy
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Another good one from you! Entertaining and well written. You're good...
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Thanks
Thanks for hunting down my page and reading and commenting on this story. I appreciate it. I kind of spit this little bit of a story out in a hurry in an effort to win a contest, but the contest host doesn't like it. I need to expand it if I am to please him. I don't know if I will try to do that or not.
I'm glad you like it.
Andy
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Hangovers suck!” I don't think I'd put that in there. I don't know people who would say that...explain it, just don't have him say it...know what I'm saying? lmao.
Oh ok I didn't know that this was part of a series so I was a little confused. But I understand! ha ha ha. Good work though Daddy. -
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Thanks Rosita
Thanks for reading and commenting.
"Hangovers suck!" was a part of the prompt I used in this story.
I don't know if I'll be adding to this story or not. I was happy to be writing at the time, but it's not a very good topic.
Thanks again Princess. I tried to reply to this comment earlier, but it was traveling in cyberspace. Now it is where it is supposed to be.
Andy
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Nice write
Good luck with the contest. I think you have a good start for a real story.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I don't think I am going to continue this story. I'm not really happy with it. It is not apparently faring well in the contest, either.
Andy
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Sorry Andy,
It's a bit too raw for an old granny like me. However, try 'whittle' as 'widdle' that could be closer to 'baby talk' Good luck with it anyway.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it, especially as it was not your type of story. The contest host didn't care much for this story either.
Andy
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REALITY STORYWRITE
I see this is for a contest but it would make a good first chapter!
You are right on the dot to have Carol tell Angelica not to get the beer because she's not your slave. That's a fundamental cultural difference.
In this sentence: “He's my whittle baby,” do you mean white baby or white little baby? I don't understand the word 'whittle' except in the context of carving wood. Maybe my slang is outdated!
Anaya
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 5.
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Thanks
Yes, the contest host didn't feel that there was enough to it. I may go back to it and expand it. It was kind of forced writing. I've been having a bit of a block lately. 'whittle' was meant as baby talk for 'little'. Juan was Hispanic, too. They were poking fun at him.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
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Good story, but random and not much of a plot, unless you were to extend it. And I notice you actually paraphrased my prompt in the middle of your story .. not exactly what I was looking for.
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Hmm.
Well, I gave it a shot, RJ. At first the story wasn't happening at all. Finally I got a little something. I left an open ending so it can be continued, but it also seems whole as it is.
I thought you wanted the prompt in the story. Oh well, what the hell; it did get me kind of out of my writer's slump.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you have many entries and much fun.
Andy -
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Yeah..well, reading it again, I thought pretty much the same thing - but I reckon I'd read if it were continued.
Glad to know it got you out of the slump ..
And thanks, I hope I do get some entries.
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