Base your life on these words you won’t remember. Or pretend to.1
Her hair blanketed her body in that “Los Angeles” way. It looked exactly the same as when she was buried. It was an open casket and it shouldn’t have been. Her eyes were unrealistically relaxed, nothing like the times we are in now. Her long dress was pink, nothing that she would wear. You actually can’t find anything pink in this city. 2
Apparently, being from Jersey means you never have to say you’re sorry, and being the president of a blind nation meant you never have to represent the well being of your own country. 3
Sorry for the lack of explanation, I have so much to tell you and not much time. I am you 200 years in the future. I am your kids, the pathetic wastes of space and breath--I am them. I am your hopes and your dreams diminished down to the last fiber.4
By the way, your global warming acts, your laws banning the usage of things that output extra greenhouse gases bullshit, well they were about 100 years too late. You accomplished nothing. You wasted potential money to find a cure for cancer, or AIDS, for life.5
By the way, your celebrity scandals, forty years from whenever you were living, won’t matter. Every song you put your faith into, was rewritten with better lyrics and an even more amazing meter. Every book, every article, everything was and is always a masterpiece told by someone, written by someone else centuries before. A constant cliché your passion ends up into. 6
What I mean to say is, the things you thought meant so much, and would mean so much in later years, didn’t. They don’t. I mean, it’s nice you thought that way. But come on, not everything can have a meaning in life. Every footprint left in the sand is going to be washed away eventually. 7
With that said, let me tell you about your country 200 years later. Let me tell you about the government you let run to the ground. Let me tell you about the man who picked it up, and led us to kill each other. And you said the holocaust would—could never happen again.8
Oh, and for the White-Supremacists this would be your wet dream. Except they aren’t kill based on race, sex, sexuality, or anything like that. They are just wiping out entire races to see what happens when everyone’s gone. 9
They take entire cities with everyone inside and either shoot them or set them on fire. What’s worse is that we are supplying them with the gun, the bullets, all of that. We are making these things for our own government to kill us with. We are smiling while we replace the common profile of an enemy as their target practice.10
We grin as they spit on our hands and tell us to rub. On our knees in the dirt, we aren’t praying. No we gave up God after we realized death wouldn’t bring us closer to him. We’re all going to hell. And I’m betting it’s going to look exactly like this. I’m betting I’m right.11
Author notes
Generations disappear, washed away as a nation simply stares.
Thank you for this contest...
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A contest entry
- The end is coming, we're all going to die! Wait how are we going to die again? by Shadowed Phoenix.
900 points, ended May 19, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What Do YOU really think?
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Oooh I like it. Especially the songs part. Really... kinda sucks actually but is very true.
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fabulous
WOW! you made me do two things today. sign up for an account.
i usually stay on allphilosophy and you made me read an excellent story. -
Lol Im Quick Commenting it. So I'll comment as I read. I'm from Jersey too so Haha Woot Kudos for you! This scared the crap out of me O.O Why must you do this to us? Lol really really good. Did you just decide to write this or write it for a contest? Anyway really good way to write it. Keep up the great work.
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I agree with Nocturne and Durian... not sure how I feel about the beginning and ending... I like the middle the most. Congratz on your silver and good luck in the contest.
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Wow. This is really, really cool. I love how you imagine what it will be like in the future. I agree - if we keep going down the path we are currently on, this story will basically come true. Some of the sentences are a little awkward, like:
'And you said the holocaust would—could never happen again.'
Maybe you could choose a different way to say "would-could"? It just sort of takes away from the story, and I get a little distracted. Other than that, I think this is really good. Good luck and keep writing! -
Honestly, this was very interesting, but a little all over the place. The first paragraph didn't flow with the rest of the story, and kind of confused me, and the rest of it had good meaning and was obviously very well thought up, but lacked edge. It wasn't as gripping as it could've been, but overall this was a good effort. You had some wonderful ideas, but the words in which you chose to portray them with didn't do a very good job.
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I'm going to be honest with you here. Your story was good and very interesting, but I wasn't very impressed. This story had a lot of potential, but it didn't really hook me in and keep me.
Your grammar was flawed with run ons and awkward phrasings. It was a very interesting concept, but the story could have been told better.
Redo that whole first paragraph. It's all kind of trivial and unneeded. -
Very Well done~
Astonishing hook...now I wanna know about the character. I've already read this one...but I’ll give a more thorough second glace You sometimes 'overstuff' sentences. With superfluous preps. This very passionate peice holds a lot of symbolism, keeping it interesting and making the reader ‘want’ to think about it. Some of your sentence structure is flawed…meaning…you tend to 'run-on'. You have some tense confusion, but I hesitate to mention it...wondering if that is just how it is supposed to be...? Overall, I enjoyed it. Second time around better than first...I was more careful. 
It makes the reader think about a thing they would not ordinarily think about and that shows creativity in its premier form. I loved it and wish you all the best. You're a talent! Bravo! ~D
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Nicely written, albeat depressing
I do think this short story was heartfelt, which I liked about it. I'm really not sure if it's a poem or a story. Just seemed a like a "rant" outlining a highly pessimistic view of our future. I liked how you went into the future and gave the present people advice - not advice they can actually use or benefit from, which I found somewhat disappointing. My thought at the end was, "why try?" -
Hey there,
I'll take you at your word that you're interested in some honest critique and just go down a few points that came to me as I read.
If you can make it shorter without losing meaning, do it. Every word in a piece of prose should be there for a reason - because it contributes something (contributing confusion doesn't count) and if it isn't directly helping the story, kick it to the curb.
Example:
"Base your life on these words you won’t remember. Or pretend to."
Base your life on words you won’t remember. Or pretend.
Honestly, less confusing to take out the unidentifiable reference and the hanging preposition. If it must be ambiguous, better to be concise too.
The words was, were, being, been combined with an adjective creates passive sentences.
Such sentences tend to be much stronger and active if one substitutes the "is + adj." with a concrete active verb. For example:
"It was an open casket and it shouldn’t have been. Her eyes were unrealistically relaxed, nothing like the times we are in now. Her long dress was pink, nothing that she would wear."
to
"The casket gaped, open, when it shouldn’t have. Her eye-lids drooped, unrealistically relaxed, nothing like our times. She wouldn't wear that pink dress."
There took out the "was"s. Now the action is done directly. It might seem a small thing, but when taken in context, the imagery and the actions seem fresher for the reader's imagination. Though I will be the first to admit that it's also a matter of style (in my opinion stronger style).
The other thing I noticed was the tense shift - yes the way you wrote it inclines itself to informal writing, but generally shifting from present to past tense and back can cause some confusion of chronology for the reader.
Also, perhaps a stronger connection to the beginning to wrap it all up. The current conclusion's strong, but it almost leaves me hanging with a half-sense of dissatisfaction.
Overall, this looks like a lovely piece. I'm going to leave off now, but I'm glad I had a chance to read this piece; it was a pleasure.
Good luck writing!
Nocturne
. Rewarded 8
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wow this was really intresting and i agree with dreams all i can really say is ...wow and well done
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This was a strong and interesting rant... The first paragraph of it didn't seem like it fit with the rest, though. It confused me. I agree about a couple of the things you talked about not mattering, but not all of them.
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this seemed sort of like a diatribe to me... all i can say is hmmm well I dont really know what to say about this...
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Wow...all I can say was wow...
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Whoa - this is a deep story-rant-inspiration thingie.
Tour points are totally right and well expounded - a few burrs here and there - I suspect formatting errors
Good one.
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Sort of Disarming, but very creative...and...surprisingly true. Well done.
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Wow, this is amazing. It is what I'm looking for, not what I was exspecting, but what I'm looking for. the emotions, choices of words, form, every was wonderfully done. Thank you for entering, and good luck.
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Whoah, this was really creative and yet, somewhat dark. You probally put time into this, the best part was the beggining when you told about how the girl lay in the open casket when she shouldn't have been.
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Wow, this a very creative use of the given line. I really like this story, because it really might be plausible. It holds the right amount of emotions, regret, anger, etc, to make the main character seem believable, as well as the world he/she is in. You're welcome for the contest, and thank you for the entry =)
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Wow....this was strong. I like your strong emotion and how you said that nothing will matter, which is pretty much true. I like the title, and most of all, I like your message: we HAVE to do something.
The beginning confused me just a bit. It just didn't seem to make any sense. But great job for the most part.
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