She swam up from the lake. She shiverd as soon as she came out. " Was I swimming for so long? " She wonderd. The girl wrapped the deerskin around her for warmth. She gave a loud gasp. Her clothes weren't on the fallen tree where she had left them. Panick crawled down her spine. Then, realization hit her like a boulder. She glared at the trees.1
" Vuper! Dare you steal my clothes!? You know what'll happen if you don't give them back right now? WELL! I am gonna tell you! " She screamed. A rustle was heard. The small boy jumped from the tree. " Savrah, don't be so mean! " He whined. Savrah sighed. She rushed over and snatched her clothes. " You never saw anything! " Savrah admonished. Vuper stared at her. Then blushed. 2
" You might also be an elf, but you're a boy. And that was very rude for a boy to do. " Savrah explained sternly. Vuper looked embarassed and ashamed. " If you don't want me to tell any one about this, then leave NOW! " Savrah shouted. Vuper nodded and rushed off. Savrah began to change. The wind was chilly. The sun was golden, and the clouds were pink. It was a nice sunset.3
Savrah wiped her long, silver, hair with the deerskin. Though it only made her hair even more wet. She had on a long - sleeved, long, brown dress. And a wooden - beaded necklace. She patted her hair. The only thing that was left to do was to go to the elven village. But she didn't want that. 4
There was more intresting things to do: eat berries, sing, dance around, hop trees, and fly in water. That was her secret way of saying, " Trick and play around with humans. " It was a fun way to say those words. You can't fly in water, but when you're in deep water, it feels like you are flying. So that makes " Flying in water. " Savrah laughed. " I'll fly in water now. " 5
She hopped from tree to tree. Then suddenly stopped. A human man was walking by, humming to himself. " He looks gullable. " Savrah thought sneakily. She pretended to fall off the tree. He gasped and rushed to her side. " Oh are you hurt? " He asked in a concerned tone. Savrah acted unconscious. He brushed the hair away from her face. It bared her ears. 6
He gasped. Humans admired elves, and didn't see the often. Savrah was acting as uncontious as it really is. Elves were glorious actors. They acted dead to save their lives, sad to honor a friend's death and happy when they should be. So lots of their emotions and actions were fake. Savrah wasn't fake.7
Only when she tricked humans. The human finally picked her up. Then he placed her back on the ground - only this time on a soft blanket. He was watching her. But Savrah coul hear that he was drowsy. Savrah waited until she could hear him snore. Then she stood up. Savrah took the blanket, and his sack. She jumped on a nearby tree. 8
The human woke up shortly. He noticed his lost thing. And he screamed a vicious cry. Savrah saw all this. She wanted to laugh. Instead, she hopped across the top of the trees. Further and further from the human. To the elven village.9
" Hi. Vuper. " She shouted when she saw the boy near the fire. Elves were dancing. Vuper left the crowd. He looked nervous. Savrah sighed. " I'm sorry.....where were you? " Vuper asked nervously. Savrah grinned. " I forgive you. " She declared. Vuper embraced her. Savrah smiled. " I had some fun.....flying in water. " She added softly. Vuper looked confused. Savrah laughed.10
A contest entry
- Desperate for a bit of -- fantasy? by Asfand.
350 points, ended July 5, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is the story OK, and/or original?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Sorry I haven't commented on this yet. This is a fun story. It has a nice plot. Your character's names are unique. I'm so glad you understood what I wanted. Some typos, but they're not too harmful. Thanks for sharing, and sorry for the trouble you went through to write this, but I'm closing the contest, because there wasn't as much entries as I wanted. I'll be opening a new one, and maybe then you can enter, again. Sorry. Thanks.
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so.....
shoud i choose a different story? -
Well, overall, it's a fun little story. It was fairly nice, makes a humble sort of read. However, PLEASE check, check and check your typos. Just write on Microsoft Word first then copy it from there. It has an automatic spell check which reminds errors.
The characters are nice. I would like some more description regarding their identities, but on the whole, its nice. Cute.
Para 1
Her clothes weren't on the fallen tree - where she had left them. --> No dash required, actually no punctuation required.
realiazation --> realization
Para 6
uncontious --> unconscious
Para 8
finnaly --> finally
nearbye --> nearby
Para 9
vicous --> vicious
hollard --> I have no idea what this is, but it's not hollard!
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mmmm
thank you for telling me the errors. i fixed them. i usually write shorter things...should i leave this contest?? -
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On a side note:
para 8
you forgot to omit an n from 'finnally'
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ok
i fixed it....sheesh...
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i only try to help you know, it only makes the story better. if you don't like critique, just tell me - no need to get annoyed.
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it's your choice entirely. i can't say anything. if you feel your other story is better, then put it in, if not, then let this stay!
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hmmm...
i don't know....i don't think you'd like another story of mine. what type of fantasy do you like most?
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hey judge.....
why won't you comment me??!! if you don't like it, i'll remove it.....
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Pandora not Dora the explorer
The contest of Pandora, I really am not sure of....yet what i do know is what the concept of the contest and what they want someone to follow ( Mechanics
Organization, Voice, Ideas,Effective Word Choice ...ect)
What they asked for, I believe is what you brought on this excellent story !
Wonderful story, Im glad this one came to your creative mind !
-Hismercybeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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