"The shot echoed past his head, missing nearly half a centimeter. He didn't blink or flinch. Dark eyes glittering with menace, he reached down to his thigh holster and drew his Glock ..." But that was just what I was waiting for, after he takes his best shot he'll soon know who he's dealing with. 1
Since I was given the talisman after saving the life of a priest in Tibet a couple of years ago I've been watching fools like him. They fire bullets at me and they all wound up in the wall behind me and this time is going to be no different. 2
I don't exactly know how but the talisman makes me invulnerable to such base and brutal tactics. And as long as I Wear it I can't be killed, at least not by conventional means. 3
The priest did say there would be limits tho and for me to remember most of all, don't ever flaunt the powers in public. Well I wasn't goning to be that stupid anyway. I hope! And if it should happen, cast a spell covering my ass damn quick; with no exceptions! Or I'd leave myself open to exposure, and the afluent world does not need to know that; and for sure I don't want what would eventually happen without one. But it is one hell of a head trip. And I do get more ladies and last longer in the sack and at thirty-five I was beginning to wonder, things had begun to change, I mean I wasn't having a mid-life crisis but my body was. Now I feel like a kid of twenty.4
"The enemy is everywhere", said the priest. "and the world is made up of three factions, the friendly, neutral and hostile, and one must always be on guard for to know the difference is true wisdom". And with that he introduced me to his daughter, waiting just behind a screen.5
His daughter was it seems on her way to the USA. She was beautiful, six foot-two with green eyes and flowing dark locks she keep in two pig-tails on top of her head. Her physique was like that of a European strong and powerful and yet so slim her beauty was distracting. Together, with me at six foot four and one hundred thirty pounds, long blond hair and eyelashes, clean cut shave and hairline with a twenty-five inch waist and forty inch shoulders, fifteen inch biceps and twenty inch thighs , we made a striking couple. And I thought so instantly.6
She had foreseen the assassination attempt and was chosen to be my instructor in the use of the talisman as I was to be it's next owner I should at least know what I had on my hands. Her trip was postponed for but a few days but it was that important I be properly instructed. They didn't know then how bad a student I would be. 7
My career is back on track and I think for the first time I think I really am going to make a success out of this private eye thing. And that's a first! All I'd had to this point were bad breaks and little money. Since I got the talisman that has all changed more and more; and more is good! Yet it shows no sign of stopping anytime soon which is just fine with me. And with the bankroll they are paying me for this gig I'll have a cool million in the bank, enough for an early retirement if I were to decide to go that way. But first I've got to get paid.8
This fool had been in on a museum heist and skipped out on the rondevue and pay-off. Luckily enough that left him the only survivor of the team. They were all killed for their work. He instead had gambled that an OJ-dart would set him up, if it was the right piece and the right price. The piece he had picked though was not that valuable yet he was offered a fortune for it and promised it would go straight into the black-market underground and not surface for years. He had no idea that meant it had other values, values more than money. 9
I was here to offer him his life and that he could disappear into the underground instead. But that was conditional on my getting the piece back. There were individuals willing to protect him if the piece were to be recovered. They promised to ask no questions so I had only one, who had the piece? His answer didn't satisfy me. So I left him unconscious and the card that was his ticket into the underworld I left on the door via a thumbtack.10
When I got back to my car Hin-sue, the priest daughter{Yeah!.....She was still around} asked if it was him and if I had left the card as she told me to. And I said yes to both questions. She just smiled and said "Let's go get some dinner".11
As it were everything had gone just fine. She explained that we had give him a chance to get away. And we'd come back later. He'd lied the object was right there all along and we didn't want him and we did want him to disappear and that is exactly what happened. How does she do this shit?
A contest entry
- Simple and Fun ... Get Your Grey Cells Working ... by RxxSpiritWolfxxJ.
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Comments
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Listen to GA, the man's a walking dictionary.

Good story, but you get your tenses mixed up sometimes, a simple reread and correction will remedy this
G'luck!
RJ

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READ THIS ALOUD TO YOURSELF...LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART!
Physic=Physique
"that of a European COMMA"
"strong COMMA powerful and yet etc"
was "a distracting" WHAT? (lose the "a")
Next sentence is WAY...WAY...too long!
WHAT "assassination attempt?" You've got to explain.
Run-on sentence! here... (sorry I don't have P numbers)It is a RUN-ON because "I should at least" is part of BOTH the preceding and the following phrases!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you should be long past this basic rule)
You could have a period after "Talisman" and a new sentence starting with "As I was to be" or a period after "owner" and a new sentence starting with:"I should at least HAVE known, etc."
Lose the first "but"
Two "I thinks" lose one!
Don't say "private eye THING! What the hell is a THING? Never use "thing"..."nice"...two, inane, meaningless, stupid words.
Lose one of the "mores"
Lose "go that way" say something else. Too much slang and too cutsie is too much! It signals a paucity of language and writing skill. Remember this.
Rondevue=redezvous...it's a French word. Careful.
What's "an OJ-dart?" Even if I'm stupid...you have to explain this to your reader.
"not that valuable" PERIOD! (another Run-on! Shame on you!)
"Values." PERIOD
"and disappearance via the underground!" (not the mixed up tenses you had!
"They promised to ask NO questions so I HAD ONLY ONE?" This makes little sense. How about: "BUT I had one: Who had the piece?"
Lose "So"
"Hin-sue?" Explain. (See? You should have had a COMMA after car!)
"As it WERE?" (Where did you get THIS construction?)
"He'd lied." PERIOD!
"The object" (new sentence!)
Three "ands"...a couple too many!
Lose the first...make a new sentence. Period after disappear. Lose the next "ana"...start a new sentence with "THAT is exactly what happened!"
Lots of good stuff though...basically a good VOICE...but you've got to polish this.
READ IT ALOUD TO YOURSELF! LISTEN TO IT!
This could be good...WORK ON IT!
GA
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You MUST read this aloud...to yourself!
This is an interesting premise...and could be worth pursuing...but you have to be careful in your usage, spelling, slangy expressions, etc. For example: Ware? Do you mean wear? (Par.3)
In P1, you are mixing tenses ("just what I WAS waiting for" vs. "after he HAS TAKEN") You can't do this mixing! At best, it's confusing...and sounds bad too!
Next graph has a long run-on sentence...no punctuation....
Next: You don't have to say "I don't know how, etc"
just say "The talisman makes me invulnerable, etc"
(It's a talisman...that's what talismans do! lol!)
We don't KNOW how this works! lol!
Next: ..."not ever GO and flaunt..." Why do you need "go and?" Just " to flaunt" is enough.
Get rid of "tho" (first line in that graph)
Lose "anyway"
Lose "it's a trip!" (why do you need that? It's silly, slangy and unnecessary.)
Lose "and even" just say "last longer in the sack, etc."
Lose "if you know what I mean!" Either we do or we don't. Don't do this "aside" stuff. Keep to one "voice."
Lose "as it seems" Either it does or it doesn't.
Lose the next line also. Just say you NOW feel like a kid of twenty. But now do you see how this is confusing and contradicts what you just said? Make up your mind. Be consistent.
Next graph: small "a"...colon after "factions"
"for to know?" this either makes no sense or is a run-on sentence. CAPITAL "F" in For would help.
Still, it makes no connecting sense.
Lose "And"...just: "With that, he introduced etc."
Lose "it SEEMS" again! (get rid of that expression. Either it is or it is NOT!)
I'll do the rest of this later...if you care. Let me know if this is helping.
GA


