I see you, but do you love me?

I was walking in the park. It was a hot day, so I wore sunblock. Oh and, got a bottle of water - just-in-case. My dress was short, lime-green, and a bit loose. A breeze kept blowing my orange, frizzy, shoulder-length hair into my eyes. It was a good thing I wore flip-flopps. Even in them, my legs were sweady.1

I watched the little kids play around, while their parents were watching them like eagles. I sighed. The sun was hot. It was burning my bare shoulders. I inhaled deeply. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my skirt. It made me exhale sharply. I looked at the suspect. A little girl. ( But big enough to reach my short dress....I guess that's still small... ) She stared at me.2

Awwwww....she had a cute, round, face, baby hands, and puppy eyes. " What is it? " I asked, breaking the tension. She surprized me by giving a soft cry. " I can't find M-mommy! " She managed. I wiped her tears. " What does she look like? " I asked. She anwerd the baby explaination: Tall, thin, brown hair. Wooooooooow....too bad there were many women like that right now.3

We found her, or rather, she found us. She came running like a cheetah. And her embrace was like a bear. I watched all this emotion with envy. She thanked me and handed me a twenty-dollar-bill. I nodded, smiled, and shoved it down my purse. ( Never do that! Never take money from saving a baby - unless they insist.................... ) 4

I was planning to drive home. I was seventeen, and was supposed to go to malls, not parks. I strolled tward my the parking lots. Then, I saw HIM. The best guy ever, perfect. He was looking at me. No, he's a playboy. Guys like that are never free. But that look in his eyes - no! I paced up. He looked sad. Oh no, after seventeen years, I finnaly fell in love... 5

********************************************************** 6

I stared and stared at the crying beauty. She was perfect, real, and she looked kind. Most of the girls were mean. That's why I always turned them down. She walked so slowly, as if she wanted me to follow her. Should I? What if she has a guy? She has one, she's too pretty and amazing. If only I was her first guy..... 7

She looked about my age. People my age all have a boyfriend already....That's not fair. I can't stand to ponder without action. Men show things physically. I am not good enough for her. That must be it, why she looked so happy withput me. She was going to see her boyfriend..... 8

But....what if she likes me? The way she was looking at me. Was that love in her eyes? I ran my hand trough my thick, dark, perfect hair. Well, girls do think...I'm hot. I watched two ducks fly by. It was a message. I must go after her. I glanced around. She was near her car. But what is she doen't like me............?9

I'll ask her..........

Author notes

I would eat frenchfries bare. Ketchup suddenly turned awful.

A contest entry

Is the story OK, and/or original?

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Blackwings
    August 11, 2008

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    I Liked this, It was short sweet and to the point ^.^ Nicely done and thanks sooo much for entering my contest, highly oringinal ^.^
    ♥ Blackwings


  • toolenduso
    June 4, 2008

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    Hm...an interesting little piece. I don't know if I'm missing something, but it felt kind of...incomplete. And not just because it wasn't resolved at the end, but like the details weren't the ones that needed telling.

    Although that was I liked the most about it...the little details you put in, because they were interesting, things like the guy's defective train of thought and the advice on taking money for a baby.

    The whole thing felt a bit disjointed, though. Keep reading, keep writing, you'll know what I mean.

    Thanks for entering!

    Style: 7/10
    Flow: 5/10
    Uniqueness: 3/5
    Readability: 4/7
    Effect: 6/10
    Lack of Errors: 2/3
    Personal Score: 2/5
    Total: 29/50


  • callthexylophone
    May 17, 2008

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    Sigh..... I like this bit, but the contest was for stories that had already been denied in other contests! Oh well, never you mind.
    I have to say, you already broke one of the rules about cheesy story telling- in the first paragraph alone you described EVERY physical aspect of your character, and you went into juvenile detail (lime-green short dress. too specific for adult readers) and it's "flip flops" and "sweaty." It gets better, however, though you mean "watched like hawks," not "eagles." I like how some bits sound like someone actually telling me a story, like a friend said "hey, let me tell you about my amazing day," which is good. Spelling- "explanation"
    Okay, next thing- you brought the guy in too fast, spend more time, say where she saw him, etc. Just drag it out more, it's okay. If he's really that great, drag it out.
    Also, you didn't have the girl cry in her part, so why is she crying in the guy's part?

    Finally..... "I watched two ducks fly by. It was a message." I'd like to know what religion gets messages from ducks.

    Keep writing, and thanks for entering, chickadee


  • Midnight-Engaged
    May 6, 2008

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    Your idea of showing both their was pretty original, I'll give you that. Her crying immediately is a bit unrealistic though....you should write another part to this. And maybe show more emotion.

    It wasn't too bad, seeing as how romance isn't your genre.

1 - 5 of 5