What Am I Doing Here?

I was laying there staring at the starry blackness above me. What am I doing here? I've made a terrible mistake. Time after time, I come back, like some old pathetic farm dog. And that was how I was treated every time I came back. Obeying what he said had taken over my life. Why do I love him? I asked myself that question too many times to count, yet here I am.1

"What time are you leaving in the morning?" a relaxed voice spoke from behind me.2

"I'm not sure, I was thinking maybe around nine." I answered.3

"Yeah, sounds good to me. Are you gonna come back when you get off work?" he asked.4

"I was planning on it," I answered yet again. Why is it me always answering to him, I thought. Deep in my heart I knew the answer to that one though. Because I liked answering to him. I loved him, and wanted to carry his children one day. The only way to get there though, was to do everything exactly how he wanted it. To make him love me.5

"That's cool, want me to pick you up something to drink for tomorrow? Maybe some vodka?"6

"Always," I answered and thought to myself that I had never made love to this man sober. With him being so much older than me, I was always a lot more relaxed drunker than hell. And apparently he loved the drunk me, cause I don't think he even really knew me. The very first night we met, I was hammered, throwing up in the neighbors yard, at the ripe age of 16. At the time, he was 24, married, and had a daughter. By the end of the night, I don't think I could even stand up straight. Yet when he stood by the end of the couch and announced he was going to bed, I was able to pull myself up onto the couch, and ask in a perky voice, "Can I come?"7

"Hell yeah," he grinned. His strong hands lifted me off the couch and he carried me into his bedroom. He lay me down in his bed, then turned to the door and closed it. 8

I was in town that weekend with his sister, my best friend, for a concert. I didn't even know he was married at the time, or how old he was. I found that out after we had sex for the very first time. I had no clue I would end up ending a marriage and being involved with this man for 4 years. I had no idea I would end up going from "the other woman" to his woman, and back to "the other woman."9

It was only two weeks later that we decided to be exclusive with each other. I had some of the best times of my life during those 4 years, and some of the hardest. We had a great thing, besides having to hide it from everyone since I was underage and he was still married. He told me his marriage was over before we even met, and like every other mistress out there, I believed him.10

A few months after we began dating, all hell broke loose. His wife found out about me, my dad found out about him. I was sent away to a psychiatric ward. His marriage was over for real this time. We told everyone we weren't together anymore, and things seemed to die down after a few weeks. Of course we were still seeing each other on our late night, drunken, adventures.11

Then out of the blue one day, my dad came to my room and told me the most outrageous story. That my one and only was dating someone else.12

"Whatever, Dad, you don't know anything!!!" I screamed at him as I pushed him out of my room.13

I confronted him numerous times, even the time he showed up in town in her car for Easter. He came over to the place where I was babysitting, and we made love in the parents' bed.14

It was just over a week later I tried calling him. I got no answer. I did however get an answer a few hours later, when a girl called me from his phone pissed. After arguing with her for a while, I hung up, and let the truth hit me. I am the other woman now.15

Weeks, months, even years went by. And I was still the other woman. In a way I was okay with it. Figured I was still lucky to have him in my life. And every time he said things were gonna change, I believed him.16

I really did think this time was different. Finally, he blew her off for the weekend and was with me. We stayed out under the stars, next to the campfire for a few more hours. Talking, seducing each other, getting drunk. We finally turned in around two a.m.17

I awoke to the sun beaming in through the window directly to my eyes. I was all alone in the camper. Where did he go. I sat up in bed, rubbed my eyes, and looked around for my cigarettes. Wow did I get hammered last night, I thought. Just as I stood up, the camper door opened.18

"Wakey, wakey, egges and bakey," a cheerful voice filled the small room.19

"What time is it," I wondered aloud.20

"6:30, and you gotta go. What's her face just called and she's headed out here, so get your shit packed up." Nothing had changed. I couldn't believe it. I was so pissed, I quickly took off my shirt and shoved it between the bed and the wall, hoping she would find it when she got out there. Hoping it would break them up.21

I gathered up the rest of my stuff and begged him to walk me back to my car. The walk was a long one, in which I spent most of kicking myself, for being so stupid and gullible once again.22

"Hold up, I gotta take a piss real quick," he told me as he ducked behind a tree. I stand there staring up at the clear blue sky above me. What am I doing here? I've made a terrible mistake, I thought.