Grey spectrum

I sat there at the table in the classroom staring at him when he looked away and looking away when he caught me.1

It seems we have hit a point in our relationship and I cannot identify what it is. I'm lost in this grey spectrum of not knowing what it is I want or what it is I am looking for. I want to ask 'where is this going?' but I'm scared to look too far foreward. My last long term relationship ended in such a way that it left a bitter taste in my mouth. What do I want? Where is this going? do I even want this to really go anywhere?2

We've already slept together, and I think that is why i've hit this grey spectrum. I do not know why I gave in so quickly, if it was because I really wanted sex, or if it was because I have already been there and done that and the fuss of waiting for the right time would be tiresome to me. 3

The big question for me now is 'Do I love him?' Do I really want to bring him into my world? My world was never perfect to begin with and I think it was what drove the one person I trusted and loved to leave me behind and move on. Why do I feel these feeling and do what I do? Is it just because I need to reach out and hold onto something that is sane in this insane world? Do I really need someone to make me whole? Is that who I want to be?4

I always thought when you reached a certain point In your teenage years you would be able to answer these questions and know who you are, but it feels as though I will be questioning my every move and all those around me for the rest of my life.5

I don't want to question anymore though and I hope that perhaps I can get past all these bothersome little things that make me wonder and second guess. So as I sit there, looking at him looking at me, I will ponder what life is really all about. If there is such a thing as truly knowing yourself then perhaps I want him to be a part of figuring out whats what and why and how and all those other questions that plauge people. I want to love and be loved and I want him to be one of the many people I love so much. 6

So why do I get stuck In this grey spectrum of distrust, second guessing, and pondering every little move that is made by everyone around me. Why can't I just learn to love?