I didn't think- I didn't want to think. That look on your face kept replaying in my head over and over again. I had told you I don't believe in love, and you were with your girl.1
Yea, I walked away. Usually I'd stay and look you straight in the eye and dare you to answer back. But that look on your face made me want to melt away. Was it anger? Was it upset? There was this mysterious fire in your eyes, and I just wanted to get away.2
I didn't know where I was then, I didn't know if you followed me, and i still didn't care. There were trees and buildings around me, but I paid no mind. I was angry with myself for bringing you down like that, I should have known better. You said you fell in love, and I tore you down. You were my best friend, and I think I ruined it for the both of us. 3
You caught me by the shoulder and pulled me back. I just stood there- I didn't want to look at you this way. I wasn't going away. I wouldn't even turn around to look at you, so you pushed me forward. 4
"What the hell did you mean by that?" I just fell on my knees, looking down. You must have pulled me back up and turned me towards you. All of the sudden I could feel your hand lifting my chin to try to get me to look into your furious eyes. You continued to talk to me but i didn't hear a word of it. All I could see was your shoulder, moving as you breath. I never answered back, I made no notion to move or even cry. I could just hear your faint voice in the back of my head~ It sounded angry. I've never seen you this way.5
"What if I told you that I loved you? What would you do then?" That was the only thing I heard. You sounded shaky now, were you crying? I looked up into your eyes. They looked so sad. I could see your hand rise to my chin again. You pulled my face to your eyes. You kissed me.6
Did you say you loved me? No, it couldn't be. You already had your girl. You said you loved her- not me. What were you doing then, holding me as our lips embraced? This didn't feel right. It can't be right. I shook in your arms and tears came over me. I was begging you to stop. You pulled back, holding me by my arms, and stared into my eyes. I shook my head and broke away from you. This isn't right. It'll never be.7
I don't know what you tried to tell me to convince me to stay. It was raining so hard. Your short hair stuck to your face. I couldn't tell if you were crying, your face was hidden by the mask of rain. Your voice told it all. You loved me.8
I ran. I just wanted to get away. What happened was fake. It can't be real. It won't be real. I'll never let it be real. That type of love can't exist. At the very least- not for me. Go back to your girl. Your love isn't for me. I dont't believe in it, Remember?
Author notes
Does it seem a bit choppy? I changed some things because of the tense changes.... I'm not sure if it sounds better... but I'll have to deal with it. I edited it alot too. I almost had it end with the kiss and a happy ending, but no, that obviously didn't appeal to me, so she ran away.
Sentence with orange in it: In order to enter this contest we must put a sentence with orange in it to prove we read the rules.
Read. Review. Enjoy.
A contest entry
- Whatever.... by Quixotic.
115 points, ended May 20, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
450 points, ended July 13, 46 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is the title good? should I change it?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Good job! This is very well-written, and well-presented. It didn't feel very choppy to me, but it felt a little too vague, a little too short.
That's all I can say negative about it. Other than that, good job and thanks for entering!
Style: 8/10
Flow: 9/10
Uniqueness: 2/5
Readability: 5/7
Effect: 7/10
Lack of Errors: 2/3
Personal Score: 4/5
Total: 37/50 -
This was different for me. It read alot liek a letter, but the tense shifted many times, breaking down the structure. I caught the concept and enjoyed the emotion. In paragraph 6-1, should 'it' be 'i'? Thanks for entering and good luck with your writing...very nice
~D
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Lol,I agree with not ending it happily ever after, XD. That would be predictable. But you can so totally continue it. Some minor typos. Not much.
HT -
awwwww
Great story, Lena!!! I knew you had talent, but I didn't realize you had this much talent! Bravissima! I really liked this. I don't think it was very choppy it all. It might have been a little vague, and you might want to read through it again to correct capitalization and such, but I thought it had a nice flow to it. And it was really well written, almost believeable...And...omg. I'm not going to think that now, but either way, regardless of your believing in love or not, you should try it! Give it a chance! Good luck, and fantastic write! I loved this!
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how do people do that they seem to write what happens to me its scary but mine ended happy but i was the one doing the kissing saying that i loved her although i had my girl and now she is my girl
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This was really powerful and perfectly detailed. I love what you did with it. You have a couple of typing errors in there, but nothing major. I could tell what you were talking about for the first part. The last sentence is probably the best way you could have gone with this piece; it's leave the reader with that sad reading-more-into-it feeling.
Great story. Message me if you do anything else with it, okay?
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