The Most Random Story You'll Ever Read

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Billy, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly pleased, Billy hit a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved World Core Gem of doom was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Daniel. Billy had known Daniel for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Daniel was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... clueless. Billy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.1

Daniel picked up to a very angry Billy. Daniel calmly assured him that most albino cats panic before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually earnestly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Billy. Why was Daniel trying to distract Billy? Because he had snuck out from Billy's with the World Core Gem (o.d.) only three days prior. It was a enchanting little World Core Gem... how could he resist?2

It didn't take long before Billy got back to the subject at hand: his World Core Gem. Daniel yawned. Relunctantly, Daniel invited him over, assuring him they'd find the World Core Gem. Billy grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Daniel realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the World Core Gem and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Billy took the Jap Trap, he had take at least two minutes before Billy would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Daniel would be excessively screwed.3

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Daniel was interrupted by eleven pestering Cats that were lured by his World Core Gem. Daniel shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he thoughtfully reached for his potato and skillfully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was Billy.4

----o0o---- 5

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Billy was out of the time machine and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Daniel's front door. Meanwhile inside, Daniel was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the World Core Gem into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his elephant. Daniel was concerned but at least the World Core Gem was concealed. The doorbell rang.6

'Come in,' Daniel scandalously purred. With a inept push, Billy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive spite-toting jerk in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Daniel assured him. Billy took a seat uncomfortably close to where Daniel had hidden the World Core Gem. Daniel sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Billy was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Daniel noticed a insensitive look on Billy's face. Billy slowly opened his mouth to speak.7

'...What's that smell?'8

Daniel felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Billy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the World Core Gem right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Billy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Billy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Daniel could react, Billy recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The World Core Gem was plainly in view.9

Billy stared at Daniel for what what must've been two nanoseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, Daniel groped exotically in Billy's direction, clearly desperate. Billy grabbed the World Core Gem and bolted for the door. It was locked. Daniel let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Billy,' he rebuked. Daniel always had been a little selfish, so Billy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Daniel did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his World Core Gem tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.10

Daniel looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Billy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Billy. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Daniel walked over to the window and looked down. Billy was gone.11

----o0o---- 12

Just yonder, Billy was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Daniel's place. Billy had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the World Core Gem. One by one they latched on to Billy. Already weakened from his injury, Billy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Cats running off with his World Core Gem.13

About four hours later, Billy awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and Billy did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely bush, Billy was abnormally lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his World Core Gem was taken by the Cats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Cat emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha Cat. Billy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Cat sunk its teeth into Billy's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Billy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.14

Less than seven miles away, Daniel was entombed by anguish over the loss of the World Core Gem. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his love handle. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Billy... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he hated him. But he wouldn't be able to that day. All that remained was the World Core Gem that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Cats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.