The Most Sinful Prologue

Prologue1

There comes a time in ones life when they have to realize who they are. What they are. For, most people don’t go through their entire lives only knowing what they are told, they discover things for themselves, and they discover the pains, the joys, the loves of life and…the deaths.2

This is the point I have reached in life. The point of knowing, and yet not knowing as well. I came to this realization but moments ago as I stared down at that flat patch of grass that is marked with a smooth, engraved stone. Yes, darling, I have finally realized some truths I would have preferred not know but now, I am stuck here, in this car, knowing I won’t be coming back to see you again.3

And even as I lift a hand to wipe away the tears of loss and loathing, I cannot bring myself not to love you. Despite how much you have hurt me in the years in which I gave you my life, I still love you.4

I bang my fists on the steering wheel, I try to crush my skull on the dash board and try as I might, I still cannot bring myself to hate you. 5

Even when you so cruelly betrayed me, I still love you.6

Do you love me? Do you know how hard it is for me to sit in my parked car and stare out at the darkened cemetery, directly at the spot where your decomposing corpse shall lay for the rest of eternity? Of course you don’t. And yet, even though I know you don’t, I still love you. 7

I’m beginning to sound redundant, aren’t I? Saying over and over how much I love you, and how much I want you to know, I cannot hate you! No matter how hard I want to, I cannot. Do you know how much it had pained me to stand there and want to scream and yell how much you betrayed me and how much I want to hate you! And yet, I’ll say it again, I cannot hate you, I cannot. I can only love you, as much as I thought you loved me.8

As this sigh of pain falls from my lips, I’ll pull away from this curb and, with but one glance in the rearview mirror, I’ll drive away. I’ll drive away never to make my weekly visit to your grave, never to gaze at those engraved letters and never to place those red as blood roses you love so much. Never again. Never.9