To Frank

To Frank,1

I don't really feel like I can call you Dad anymore and I needed to write you this letter because there are some things that I really need to say to you. 2

Do you remember back to when I was 4 or 5 years old and you used to take me to play at the park every weekend? While I played on the swings you would sneak off into the bushes and trees, hiding candy sweets everywhere for me to find? You called it the magic garden. The magic garden was filled with chocolate and candy. I felt like I was the most special little girl in the world, especially when my friends looked at me, their little faces green with envy because none of them ever got taken to a magic garden. You were the best Daddy in the world everyone said.3

Everyone told me I was a Daddy's girl, in fact Mum used to tell me all the time that the first word I ever said was Dada. I loved you so much, I just couldn't have wished for a better father.4

So Frank, I don't know what changed or why, but I do know when. It was when you changed the magic garden forever, changing it from a place of fun and giggles where I filled up with excitement, to a place I hated. I wished someone would take a box of matches and pour lighter fuel all over it, burning it away. Then maybe, just maybe you would stop. Why did you start the 'special, secret game' with me that day? Did you really think I was going to enjoy it? Because I didn't Frank. I hated it. You filled my little head with such fear and confusion even though I had no idea what you were doing. What I know now is that no child should ever have had to play your sick little game. 5

At least when you played your game in the magic garden I quickly learned that when we went there, I knew what would happen next. I could almost prepare myself for it. It was the one place in the world I hated more than anything and I truly believed it was something about that place that made you do it. You never did it anywhere else. I thought some evil witch had put a horrible magic spell over you in there. At least when we were at home and Mum was around you never did things like that to me. When I was alone in my room surrounded by my dolls and toys I was safe, there was no chance of me being hurt. But you weren't satisfied with just ruining the magic garden were you Frank? No, you had to ruin my little safe haven that was my bedroom as well. 6

The first time you played the secret game in my bedroom I cried so many tears it could have filled a river. You had destroyed everything. I couldn't look anywhere in my room anymore without seeing you and all the disgusting things you did to me. When I saw my reflection in my mirror I would be convinced I could see you standing behind me with that big nasty smile on your face. 7

I told Mum I wanted to swap my bedroom into the spare room and for a little while I felt safe again. It was a room with no evil memories. But it wasn't long before you destroyed that as well. In fact, it wasn't long before you had destroyed everything in my life Frank. You became a monster, your face was a mask of evil to me. I didn't even recognise you anymore. That's around the time I started calling you Frank inside my head, because my Daddy wouldn't do those things you did. He loved me to much.8

Soon your sick games weren't enough and you had to go one step further and fill me not just with dread as I heard your sick tone call after me, now you had to fill me with terror as well. I was already so confused. You had made me play your game for four long years by this point, keeping your secret. But by now I was approaching 14 and I was growing up. I knew my own mind better and I knew your 'game' was very wrong. Did things change because you got scared Frank? Is that why you suddenly started bringing objects with you and threaten to hurt me with them? Is that why you suddenly started saying that line all the time "if you ever tell anyone i'll...." 9

You knew I would never tell anyone Frank, but still you had to give me a slap or burn my skin with a cigarette just to make sure. I'd kept your dirty little secret this long, what made you think I'd open my mouth now? 10

Behind closed doors I was so miserable and sad. I sat in my room alone with my thoughts wondering what I had done to deserve you hurting me like that. Every time you hurt me Frank, another good memory I had managed to cling on to was erased and a nasty one replaced it. Before long I ran out of any good memories of you. I could't even defend you in my head anymore. I would sit alone in my room and scrape bits of glass over my arms and do you know what Frank? It didn't even hurt. Nothing hurt like what you did to me. How does that make you feel to know you hurt your one and only daughter so much that her only relief was to slice her flesh in search of some relief to the pain you were putting her through? You saw the cuts and said nothing. You knew why I was doing it.11

By the time I reached 16 I was desperate to move out and get away from you. I was always causing trouble and the police were always bringing me home. Everytime they asked me, because believe me Frank they asked me a lot if there was something wrong at home, if there was something going on in my life to make me behave that way? I always said no. I always said everything was great at home. I would tell them it was just me "being a teenager because I thought it was fun". They probably thought I was just rebelling. Even then I protected you. Don't you think it's kind of ironic that I went out of my way to protect you and ensure that no-one thought bad of you, when you had done nothing for six years by then to protect me? What happened to me being the best thing in your life? 12

When I was almost 17 I tried to kill myself. I remember that night I swallowed pill after pill and washed it down with vodka I took from your cupboard. And when you and Mum came to the hospital you put on this act so good you could have won an Oscar for it, crying in front of Mum asking me over and over what could possibly be so bad in my life that I'd want to die? Well you were what was so bad in my life Frank. You made me want to die.13

When I moved out of your home and in with my friends at 18 it was absolute heaven. At least my environment was safe now even if my head was swirling with disturbing images and memories. I think it was only once I moved out that I finally understood what abuse was. That's what you did Frank. You abused me. You stripped away my childhood, my innocence, my happiness and my confidence. You played your games used your power over me to destroy me. And then you left me to put all the pieces of myself back together like a jigsaw. 14

How does it feel to be you Frank? How does it feel, really, to be that man who did those things to his daughter? Does it still give you a perverse satisfaction to have those memories or do you have an ounce of remorse or regret or guilt for what you did? Well I guess now you have plenty of time to think about it Frank. Tell me, what's it like there in Hell? Because I know that's where you are. I wonder sometimes if prison would have given you a worse kind of punishment than where you are now, but all I wanted was revenge. Where you are now is justice enough.15

The day I heard you had been found murdered I cried and cried Frank. I put on my own Oscar winning performance of how sad I was. I cried so many crocodile tears as I broke down hearing the news. I couldn't believe someone could be so cruel to have done that to you. Why would someone want to murder my father? Oh yes, my Oscar winning performance was very believeable Frank; just like yours was when you pretended to give a damn about me.16

I hope you are haunted with the memories of your last moments on this earth. Those last moments where you knew that I had told someone all about you. You knew your dirty little secret was out Frank. How did it feel to have someone bigger and stronger towering above you and make you feel fear so intense I heard that you wet yourself? How did it feel to be slowly tortured hour after hour, wishing it would all just end? Wondering what you had done to deserve it? Wondering what that bastard would do next? How did it feel when someone put a cigarette out on your flesh then teased you repeatedly with a shiny blade in front of your face, telling you they were going to kill you. They just hadn't decided when yet.17

It's shit isn't it Frank when you have every tiny morsel of power and control taken away from you? When you can do nothing at all to help yourself, when you can't scream out and when there is just no one to help you. Yes Frank there are some really cruel people in this world.18

That bastard who let you die is now the man who protects me from all the evil in the world. The best present he ever gave me was making you suffer. You see, he had to do it Frank because we have our own baby girl arriving soon and I just couldn't take that chance of ever hearing those words "magic garden" again. One day I may also have to shatter your precious wife's memories of you as well. One day I may just have to tell everyone what you really were.19

But for now this is the best way for things to be. You were a danger Frank. There was no other possible option than for you to die. You understand that don't you Frank?20

Sincerley,21

Your daughter,22

Sam.