He watches me. I can see it clearly though I pretend its not noticeable at all. I want him to have full opportunity to look. It makes me smile. Eyes scan the strip of pale skin showing at the rise of his shirt. His back, just looking at his back gives me chills and all kinds of excitement. He wisps his thick black hair easily to one side, revealing a crystal blue pupil. Its so achingly there and theres nothing I can do. Nothing I will do. I'm trapped. The presence in this art room, it overwhelms me. Its surrounding. So achingly there. He looks up, I turn away to stare at the wall. We know it, we both know it. We know what we want. Theres just too much in the way of the goal. Too many rules, too many eyes watching us. Too many thoughts too many opinions. Just keep it to myself, just to myself.1
School is like a jungle. Everything separated into specific groups and species, never to blend, except when absolutely necessary for the sake of nature. Tigers and panthers do not get along, yet they're both giant cats. They both have fangs and tails and paws with claws. Cheerleaders like me are strictly forbidden to speak to anyone below my level. Whatever that level might be. But we're all people. Jocks, nerds, Emos, preps, rockers, black, white, Chinese, Spanish, pretty, kinda pretty, super cute. We're all people right? I think this all the time but i dare not say it. God, if I ever said that to someone...2
I blink and look around me, at all my friends sitting at "Our" table. They're laughing, whispering, making trouble or kissing. My boyfriend sits across from me. I make eye contact with him and smile. He winks and touches my hand across the table. People are watching us. Every other student that isn't sitting at "Our" table, is watching. their eyes pierce me. I see him. My heart stops. He walks with a bowed head towards a lonely table. I observe everything as quickly as I can; black old converse, skinny jeans and a black and red band tee. His hair is even more in his face. He looks up abruptly, sensing the same thing im sensing. He knows im there, but he keeps walking. Because we cant, because everyone is watching us. Every move we make. So achingly there...
A contest entry
- Get inspired by DuchessAura of Brie.
600 points, ended June 6, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Adventure of A Different Kind by bakermiddle.
190 points, ended June 3, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Rock My World by Lady-Jane.
250 points, ended June 15, 2008, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I LOVE THIS STORY! The metaphors were so cool.
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wow this is really nice, i liked how you put in all of those metaphors and such, i loved it x]]
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That is SOOOOOOOOOO good! I know how that feels. Sorta, except im the nerd. And he doesnt notice me... But I loved this story!
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I enjoyed reading this a lot. At first, I thought that since it was so short it probably wouldn’t have anything to do with the rules of my contest. But it was pretty much exactly what I was looking for! I enjoyed reading it a lot. Great job and good luck in the contest!
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Hi ^^
Oh my God, how I love little stories like that!
I like the way you've compared the school to a jungle, it really adds to the opinion that all those unwritten laws about stereotypes are stupid. In a way that animals are wild and don't really have that much of intelligence of their own other than to survive and the same seems to have happend to kids at school, who don't mix because they're just, oh, too cool. Lol.
The story was really well crafted. I almost sensed her panic heart-beat as all those against-the-rules thoughts were running through her head, I mean... her boyfriend was there as well and she was staring at someone who she according to her little gang of friends should not be staring at. Even worse, she felt a connection between that boy and her.
As to your writing, I like the way the "below her level" people were piercing her with their eyes. Piercing with eyes, I think that this sounds really well. Also, "Achingly There" is such a good combination of words, I'm glad you've repeated it
. It really added to the story.
I know you wanted advice, but I'm honestly seriously not the person to go to for advice in writing lol. I've made this account out of pure boredom, I'm not even that much interested in writing to be in a position where I could be able to give constructive critisism. Yet as far as my interest and experience (lol, experience, making myself sound clever, nothing more than a few essays for english class) in writing is concerned, this is a well written story and I enjoyed it a lot ^^ it was really easy to just get into it, which is great.
So basically, it's all good, moi loves it!
x
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This is a really good story, its very truthful. So many of us can't have what we really want due to appearances, or the fright of being outcasted. On the surface this girl seems to have it all made, but under she really knows whats going on and what she really wants. Typical high school stereotypes, they get in our way but we have no choice but to continue on as we have.
Thanks for entering =) I love the way you used the lines in this story.
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