The alarm blared insolently, screeching forth its nonchalant command on the morning of January 1st, 2015 as it did so on every other morning, never failing to obey the rules of tedious monotony which kept Jacque’s life ticking along day after day, year after year. He stirred from his position on the bed and forced his sticky eyes open. It had been another sleepless night. Jaque had spent all night thinking about everything and anything and nothing in particular.1
His mind spun like a hamster stuck in an exercise wheel, wearing itself out while going nowhere. The worst part of insomnia was the realisation that you weren’t going to sleep tonight, no matter how hard you tried. And how does one try to sleep? Doesn’t that destroy the whole concept of sleeping? When you feel the need to try, then you know you’re not going anywhere. And so Jaque lay there trying for mercy’s sake to keep his eyes closed, even though they ached to be open. Even worse than this was when he finally gave in and opened his eyes, only to stare into a void of blackness until all space lost meaning and he felt as though he was floating in a vacuum. Then he closed his eyes and the cycle would begin again.2
That was when the frustration would announce itself with an almost physical tightening of the knot which was his brain. His mind seemed to radiate anger, frustration, despair and misery into the dark isolation of his flat. This was when he couldn’t take it anymore, and he got out of bed to go for a walk. He walked around the block, avoiding the industrial part of town. He found the rusty metal, the bland colours and the square oblong shapes depressing, as they represented a never ending uniformity, a machine consciousness which would never stop and could never feel. 3
He worked in these places because of his poor grades. While walking through the frosty streets, collar pulled up against the cold, he would reminisce upon those days, and he knew it was pointless to wish he could’ve done better. He had felt invincible. The armour of youth had ensconced him in its confidence, convincing him that the future was so incredibly far away that it was perfectly reasonable to assume it would never arrive. Now, in the cold light of reality, he knew this had been an illusion, a denial of the truth. Slowly and inexorably, the future had come. 4
Author notes
2006.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hey there,
Finally got around to reading some of your stories. I always enjoyed flash-fiction so I decided to check this one out - Plus the word Pariah is rather awesome all of itself.
I'll just go down a few points that came to me as I read.
-- semicolons
The general rule is that there should be an independent clause on both sides of the semicolon (with a few rare exceptions of a list or elliptical clause). In human-speak that means that a general check is to put a period instead of a semicolon. If you get two proper (non-fragment) sentences, then you're probably good.
"never failing to obey the rules of tedious monotony which kept Jacque's life ticking along day after day, year after year."
(not an independent clause - can't stand on it's own. A simple revision of "It never failed" could make it work grammatically.)
-- redundancy
Redundancy is when the prose says the same thing twice, reiterating something that the reader can get without the extra information. For example:
"Round and round his mind went, like a hamster stuck in an exercise wheel, wearing itself out while going nowhere."
Can a hamster exercise wheel do anything except go round and round? If the hamster is stuck there, wouldn't it go round and round? Thus, this sentence contains a redundancy - much like a phrase "white snow" (unless the snow if some other color besides white, it's an unnecessary detail that detracts from the flow of the prose piece).
Alt>
"His mind spun like a hamster stuck in an exercise wheel."
or if you really wish to underscore the pointlessness of it:
"His mind raced nowhere, like a hamster stuck in an exercise wheel."
-- adverbs
Another point is that usually adverbs are filler and aren't necessary in a story. Anything that ends with -ly is suspect. The reason is that they tend to be redundant and can be replaced just with a better verb. For example, "walked quickly" can be made "hurried" or "rushed" or "skittered". From your writing:
"He walked around the block, purposefully avoiding the industrial part of town."
Is there a real reason for "purposefully"? What does it add to the line:
He walked around the block, avoiding the industrial part of town?
If you wish to specify it's on purpose, perhaps something more like:
"He veered off from the road that led to the industrial part of town and walked around the block."
In short, avoid adverbs like a plague and cut them from your prose when you spot them. Just a public service announcement.
Overall, I think you have something great working here. The story works on creating a tone and narrator's semi-formal voice that really allows the reader to feel a connection. I may have enjoyed it more if it was more focused on pulling me in and engaging my imagination with specific and concrete examples, but as it, it's a great foundation and a solid story. The length likely limited the amount of development that could be done, and all in all, this is a spiffy piece of writing.
I wish you the best of luck writing (and revising if you chose to)!
Cheers for the read,
Nocturne
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Hello, Nocty.
I'm very grateful that you took the time to write such a detailed critique (I'm almost tempted to call it a 'review'). I found it very educational and have taken your advice on several points. I'm sure you'll have no trouble with spotting the differences.
Thanks again.
Sam
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Beautifully written
The future is so far away, and we thrive in the moment. We are the 'Lords of Life', until it is Life itself that drags us down. And sleepless nights are merely the beginning result.
Insomnia - when exhaustion overwhelms, yet one remains sleepless. You described it beautifully, and although this description takes up most of your piece, i believe your intent was to depict more than this. Perhaps the cause? Or should i say, one of the causes?
The words poured easily from my lips. Another excellent piece, well done.
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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Thank You for another great comment. This story reflects my state of mind when I wrote it, and the description of insomnia comes from personal experience (unfortunately).
Sam
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The worst part of insomnia was the realisation that you weren’t going to sleep tonight, no matter how hard you tried. And how does one try to sleep? Doesn’t that destroy the whole concept of sleeping?
Even worse than this was when he finally gave in and opened his eyes, only to stare into a void of blackness until all space lost meaning and he felt as though he was floating in a vacuum.
I absolutely loved this.
Those 2 descriptions were mind numbingly brilliant!
I aspire to write like you.
I love this piece soo much words can't describe.
You are a Genius.Seriously. -
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Wow. Thanks for the flattering response
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This piece was incredibly well-written. The description overall of the character was really great, and the metaphorical parts of the piece added a great touch to it. I liked the way you described the condition of insomnia with such knowing.
Excellent format, structure and word choice. Good job.
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