One Final Farewell

More than two years had passed since the application was filed. The interviews had been brutal, and the questions nit-picky, but Brett and Min Suk had gotten through the agency’s initial screening process in eight months. 1

Those who knew had warned them that adoption would be much more difficult than having another biological child, but since the early days of their marriage it had been their plan to adopt at least one child. They burned all bridges behind them after their second child was born - Brett was sterilized. Now their family was incomplete, and the only way it could be completed was through adoption. There was no plan B.2

The real heartache began after they were accepted as adoptive parents by the agency. They were so excited and sure they would be chosen quickly. They chose the name “Nathanael” meaning “Gift from God” because they believed that name would perfectly describe the one who would be given to their family. However; during the course of two years they were called almost weekly and asked if they could be presented to a birthmother, then called back and told “We’re very sorry, she did not choose you.” Their hearts became numbed and discouraged.3

“Can we talk to you guys for a few minutes?” Tonya, a friend, asked them one Sunday morning after church.4

“Sure,” Brett answered.5

“Are you guys still trying to adopt?” Tonya asked.6

“Yes.”7

“Well, hopefully you guys will be interested in this, but I’ll let you tell me.”8

“Okay.”9

“Steffi, my step sister, is four months pregnant. She’s 15 years old, and she knows there’s no way she can take care of a baby. My mother can’t help her, and so she’s thinking she wants to place her baby for adoption. I know we’re good friends so that may make it seem kind of awkward for you guys, but I promise I won’t interfere. I just want to know if you guys would be interested in meeting Steffi and letting her consider you guys as a family.”10

Brett looked at Min Suk. Her eyes were alight with excitement. He put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder to remind her to remain cautious.11

“Has she talked with an agency at all?” Brett asked.12

“No,” Tonya answered. “She really wants to hand pick the family for her baby, so she’s scared to go to an agency.”13

“Has she had any counseling at all?”14

“No, but her mind is pretty well made up.”15

Brett and Min Suk exchanged knowing glances.16

“Sure, we’ll talk to her,” Brett said. “But I’m really concerned about her. I’d like for her to have the counseling she needs, and to have the support she is going to need after the baby is born. At the agency that we’re using she’ll have her choice of families, and she should feel better that all the families have been screened very closely. And you can tell her that we won’t be upset if she decides to choose another family.”17

“I’ll tell her, but I don’t think she’s going to go for that,” Tonya answered. “She really has her own way she wants to handle it, and she’s pretty headstrong about it. You know, she keeps telling me that she wants the family there when the baby is born because she wants them to take the baby immediately. She doesn’t want to hold the baby or tell it goodbye because she’s afraid she won’t be able to let go if she ever holds it.”18

Brett began to get uneasy with the situation. “Wow! I think she ought to reconsider that,” he said. “I think that’s something she’ll regret later on.”19

“I think so too,” Tonya said. “But like I said, she’s really headstrong about how she wants to do things. But do you guys think you’d like to meet her and talk to her? She’s met with a couple of other families, but she wasn’t really happy with them. I think she’ll be more comfortable with you guys.”20

Brett looked again at Min Suk. She nodded.21

“We’ll meet with her,” Bret said returning his eyes to Tonya. “But I’m really concerned for her. I really hope she’ll soften up to getting the support she’s going to need, and I really hope she re-considers things like not even saying her goodbye to the baby. I just think that’s really going to haunt her later.”22

“I agree,” Tonya answered. “I’ll tell her you guys would like to meet with her. She’ll probably make the appointment through me. You can tell her about the agency if you want, but I really doubt she’s going to be receptive to that. She just wants to be sure that she keeps control of the process.”23

The next Sunday, Tonya brought news that Steffi wanted more time to consider her options. Brett and Min Suk understood. The following Sundays brought the same message. By the time Steffi was six months along Tonya began to express concern.24

“She’s going to have to make up her mind pretty soon,” Tonya said to them one Sunday morning. “The family is going to need a little time to prepare, but she doesn’t seem able to make the final decision.”25

“Why don’t you take the agency information to her?” Brett asked. “She won’t have any obligation when she talks to them, and she is free to keep her baby if that’s what she wants to do. The counselors there will help her decide what the best decision is for her situation, and I think she really might need them to help her reason through it.”26

Tonya agreed, and took the information from Brett. “I’ll see if I can get her to talk to them,” Tonya said.27

By Friday night, Tonya still had not called. No attempt was made to call or explain. Brett did not really think this odd, but he kept Steffi in the back of his mind. 28

Before he awakened on Saturday, his dreams took on a vivid new life. He seldom remembered a dream - he seldom remembered dreaming - but now, his dreams took brilliant shape in his head.29

In his dream, he walked into his old high school. As is typical with dreams, some things were in place, and others were surreal - in an order that would make no sense if the dreamer were awake, but somehow everything fit naturally into this unnatural dream world. 30

He walked into the locker bank. It was the same as it was his senior year. He found that his old locker was there. For some reason, it seemed necessary to open it. He tried once.31

“Good grief!” he thought to himself. “It’s been 15 years since I’ve been here. How am I supposed to remember this combination?”32

He tried again unsuccessfully to open the locker. As he tried, a girl leaned against the locker next to him, faced him, and began talking.33

“Hello,” she said.34

“Hi,” he answered, not turning to face her. He continued trying to open his old locker.35

She began talking with typical schoolgirl excitement and meter. He never faced her - never glanced her direction - but continued to work on his combination.36

Several failed attempts later his frustration began to rise. “What do I want from this locker? He asked himself. “Why is this girl half my age continuing to rattle on at me?” Suddenly, none of this made any sense to him. He leaned forward, rested his head against the locker, and dropped his arms, still staring down at the combination dial on the locker. He sighed.37

“Well,” the girl beside him said – her voice suddenly clear to him. “I don’t have much time, so I gotta go. But I thought I should tell you before I go: I’m still carrying Nathanael.”38

Her statement shocked Brett to his bones. That name was known to nobody but him and Min Suk. The surprise of her statement was so profound that it brought him out of his deep sleep into a place somewhere between sleep and consciousness – a place where he knew he was dreaming, but still the dream continued.39

He turned in his dream to face this girl. For the first time, he looked her straight in the face. Did she know what she had just said? Did she know what that meant to him?40

He studied her face for any clues. Her hair was solid black, and her skin was dark. Her dark eyes were now soft and solemn as she returned his gaze. Her appearance was all together beautiful, but nothing there gave him the answer he sought.41

He suddenly had so many questions. He struggled to find something he could say. He opened his mouth to speak, but caught his words. That question was directly about adoption, and this girl facing him had not said anything about adoption. She had simply said she was still carrying Nathanael. He swallowed the question and searched for another. Each question that came to mind dealt directly with adoption. He could not ask such a question until she had made adoption clear as her choice. Finally, he managed a simple “Are you sure?” But he really meant “Do you know what you just said to me?”42

She smiled at him. All her schoolgirl excitement was now gone. Now she seemed to be a mature young lady fully in control of the situation as she spoke calmly, and reassuringly, “Yes.”43

He continued to search her face for clues. Did she answer the question he asked? Or the question he meant to ask? He tried again to speak, but paused. Something in her calm demeanor reassured him that she knew what he wanted to say, and had answered “Yes” meaning “Yes, I am who you think I am.”44

“I have to go,” she said.45

“Wait,” he stammered. “Will you come back and talk to us?”46

“I will,” she said calmly. “But not right now. I have things I need to get done.”47

He struggled for another comment, now desperately trying to keep the company of the one who just moments before he considered to be an annoyance.48

Seeing the strain on his face, she said calmly, “I promise I’ll come back and talk to you. But right now, I just can’t. I don’t have much time.”49

She turned and walked around the end of the lockers.50

Suddenly Brett realized he did not know her name, where she came from, where she was going – nothing. He had no way of contacting her again. In desperation he ran around the lockers where she had walked. There were many people in the area in front of him, but she was not there. He searched frantically along the other rows of the lockers, and down the hall, but there was no sign of her.51

His sleep was interrupted by the sound of his alarm. He quickly turned it off, and sat up, deeply disturbed by this strange but vivid dream. He rose, walked to the bathroom, and turned the water on in the shower.52

“It’s just a dream,” he reassured himself as he waited for the water to warm up. But his mind would not move on. “That’s weird,” he mumbled. “She didn’t say ‘I’m carrying Nathanael’ – that would have made sense. She said ‘I’m still carrying Nathanael’, and she seemed to emphasize the word ‘still.’” 53

He shook his head. “Don’t try to figure it out,” he thought to himself. “It was just a dream. They never make sense anyway.”54

As he worked that day, his mind continuously drifted back to that dream. It seemed so real! He struggled trying to remember the details of the girl’s face, but as the day wore on, he became less and less sure of her exact appearance. He continued to ponder the meaning of “I’m still carrying Nathanael” as he drove home that evening.55

Min Suk asked him at dinner that night what was bothering him. He told her the whole story in as much detail as he could recall. 56

“Hallelujah!” she exclaimed when he was through. “See! I think our wait is almost over. God’s telling us to get ready! I think Steffi must be carrying Nathanael!”57

Brett shook his head. “If God was telling us something, it would make more sense, but nothing seems to be clear – especially the part about ‘Still carrying’. Steffi is only six months along, so that statement would be too obvious.”58

“Maybe,” Min Suk said. “But I still think God’s telling us something.”59

Brett managed to distract himself for a few hours, but the visions from the previous night haunted his mind even as he slept.60

After church the next day, Tonya caught Brett and Min Suk as they were leaving. “I need to talk to you guys,” she said motioning them into an empty classroom.61

Brett and Min Suk entered and sat down. 62

Tonya sat facing them and spoke. “I know you guys were interested in Steffi’s baby, and I don’t really know how to tell you this.” She paused to steady her voice, and dried her eyes.63

“It’s okay,” Brett assured her. “Just tell us.”64

“Well,” Tonya continued. “Steffi lost her baby this last Thursday.”65

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!” Brett said.66

Min Suk moved her chair next to Tonya, and hugged her in support. 67

“How is she doing?” Brett asked.68

Tonya steadied herself in Min Suk’s embrace and nodded. “She’s doing okay.”69

Brett paused for a moment. When he was sure Tonya wanted to continue the conversation he asked, “What happened?”70

“The baby died inside her,” Tonya said, her eyes beginning to water again. “The doctor had to induce labor and force her to deliver her dead baby. He couldn’t wait to perform that procedure because obviously a lot of problems could develop.”71

“I understand,” Brett said.72

“She had a 12 ounce baby girl,” Tonya continued. She looked directly and inquisitively into Brett’s eyes. “Can you believe that?” she asked. “The size of a pop can - 12 ounces.”73

Brett nodded to her, trying hard to imagine a baby at that weight. Suddenly, it hit him. “You said that happened Thursday?” he asked.74

“Yes,” Tonya responded. “They started the procedure early Thursday morning, and she delivered Thursday afternoon.”75

His mind put it together. On Thursday, Steffi lost her baby. Early Saturday morning the woman in his dream gave him that confusing emphasis as she reassured him “I’m still carrying Nathanael.” This all happened before he received the news of Steffi on Sunday morning. Suddenly, “still” made perfect sense to him. Suddenly, the vividness of the dream took on new meaning. After so many rejections, now here at last was encouragement just before they received the most devastating news of their search.76

His heart returned to Steffi. “Is Steffi going to be okay?” He asked.77

“She’s taking it pretty hard,” Tonya confessed. “She’ll be okay, but she’s hard to figure out. She doesn’t really let anyone get too close to her – not even now.”78

“I see,” Brett said as he contemplated some way to send condolences to Steffi.79

Tonya dried her eyes again, and cleared her throat. Looking steadier now, she began again. “Steffi was really touched by your care for her, and the concern you guys had for her feelings. She wanted me to tell you something, and I was there with her so I know this is true.”80

“What’s that?” Brett asked.81

Tonya’s eyes began to tear again as she strained to keep her voice steady. “She wanted me to tell you guys that she got to hold her baby and tell her goodbye.”82