Eyes stay shut

She was holding my hand in hers, holding it hard- she must have been, for there was a dull cramping in my hand, as though from a distance I was feeling it. I heard her crying as though from the same distance, the noise echoing, cracking, as if she was at one end of a tunnel, and I was at the other, several miles away. Nevertheless I understood her words, though it took me a while of listening to make sense of them.1

“Oh, Neva… oh, my poor baby, my beautiful little girl…”2

I couldn’t see her, for I couldn’t open my eyes; her words were nothing like anything she has uttered before. Still, I knew even through this foggy state of existence that the woman hovering over me was Simone. You cannot live seventeen years with your mother without growing to recognize her voice.3

I felt her fingers now on my cheek, my forehead, my hair, faint pressure, as though maybe she was stroking me. Even in this disconnected state of mind, this strange limbo between two worlds, I felt a hot flash of anger surge through me, filling me with a tension I had not felt previously, when I was less aware. How could she touch me like this, after what she had done? How could she cry, as if she were sorry- she’d better be sorry! Look what she had done…4

Why was she here- why would they let her be with me after what she had done? What HAD she done- where was I? Why couldn’t I open my eyes?5

I tried to, then, but they remained firmly shut, only a dim light filtering through the thin skin of my eyelids. Light from the room I was in, no doubt. It seemed I was in two worlds at once, one of them solid reality with Simone, the other slippery, tenuous as a dream… I felt almost as though I were floating, or perhaps swimming underwater, even as my limbs remained firmly weighted down, beyond my ability to move.6

What was wrong with me?7

Still Simone sobbed, touching me with cold shaking hands I wanted to fling away.8

“Neva, my Neva, mommy’s here, baby…”9

Never had I called her anything but Simone for as long as I could remember… she had encouraged it, and yet here she was calling herself mommy. What was going on- what was wrong with me, what had she done to me? How badly had she hurt me- was I dead?10

The thought thrust away some of the fogginess surrounding my thinking, so I was nearly fully alert, even if I couldn’t move, couldn’t see. Was I dead- had she killed me? Why then could I think, feel?11

I heard another voice then, another woman’s, still distant, but I was concentrating harder now, and I made out each indistinct word.12

“I’m sorry, Ms. Farrell, I need to be able to get a look at Neva now. If you could just step aside for a moment…”13

Simone sniffled, and I felt the hateful touch of her relinquish before someone else’s hands were on me, gently manipulating my arms, touching something cool on my neck and chest. I was surprised by the pain in my neck, the intensity of it even in this dulled state, but I suppose I shouldn’t have been, after what had happened, what I was beginning to remember.14

Simone was still crying, though more quietly now- or maybe I just couldn’t hear her as clearly any more. The noise seemed to scrape against me, heightening a useless helpless rage already only increasing my confusion and despair. It seemed this was a doctor, I was at a hospital… but why could I not completely wake up? Was I paralyzed- what if this was what it was to die?15

“Dr.- do you- do you think she’s ever going to wake up?” Simone asked, her words faltering, unsteady. “Will she be- damaged? In the brain? Will- do you think she’ll remember what he- did?”16

He, I thought, confused, who is he? Nobody did anything to me- no one but YOU. I remember what you did to me, your hands, your voice raised in a scream… 17

“To be honest, Ms. Farrell, I really couldn’t tell you,” the other woman was saying- a doctor, I guessed. “Comas are different for each person. Some remain for a few hours, some days or weeks- some even months, or years. And sometimes,” she hesitated, her voice dropping so I barely heard her at all,” sometimes they never come out at all, Ms. Farrell.”18

A coma… so this was it, I was in a coma. I had heard of those before, but never would I have expected to be so aware while in one, to feel things, hear things. Did that mean I was waking up? But then why couldn’t I move or open my eyes? Why couldn’t I speak?19

I bet she hopes I’ll never wake up, I thought bitterly. I bet Simone hopes I’ll die. After all, she failed at killing me…20

What if I DIDN’T wake up? What if I was stuck here, in this half-awake state forever?21

“If she does wake up,” the doctor was continuing quietly, “we cannot be certain that Neva’s mind will be the same. It may be partially damaged in areas that deal with cognition or memory- from when the oxygen was cut off from her brain. She may have no extensive brain damage, but there is no guarantee, Ms. Farrell. It is likely that at the very least, Neva will not remember the attack.”22

But I do, I thought, I do remember…23

Simone made a harsh, choking noise, a sound between a snarl and a sob. “I hope that bastard boyfriend of hers rots in hell… how could he do that?! How could he put his hands around my little girl’s neck, hurt my baby like that… how could he strangle my little girl until-until-“24

Her words were lost in a wave of rough sobs, and I could hear the doctor’s voice very faintly, murmuring comfort. I could not listen anymore, couldn’t pay attention- for inside I was struck numb with furious incredulity. She was blaming this on my boyfriend- on Will- she was getting away with it, blaming it on him, and I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t stop it!25

You did it, Simone! I wanted to scream at her, you did it! Stop lying- stop it!26

She had always hated Will- it should come as no surprise that she would blame him. In fact, he was the reason she had tried to kill me…27

She had found me sneaking in after going out to see Will… she had been so angry, and I was angry too. She didn’t know Will, she’d never given him a chance. All she saw was his eyebrow ring and dyed hair, and that automatically made him a delinquent in her mind. I wasn’t about to stop seeing him just because she wanted me to.28

So I snuck out, and Simone had met me at the door, more furious than I’d ever seen her. Usually she is a lackadaisical kind of parent, more like a sibling- but that night she was livid. She screamed at me, calling me a bitch and a slut, telling me I’d be pregnant by the end of the month. I screamed back, calling her a bitch and a whore too… and then she was jumping on me, her hands around my neck, and I was fighting, but she had me by surprise and she was choking me, cutting off my air.29

And now she was lying, she was telling them it was Will, not her- how she had fooled them, how she had covered up, I didn’t know. Was Will in jail- did they believe her? Obviously, because here was Simone free at my side, where she could quite easily kill me… again.30

Anxiety filled me, but there was no way to bleed it out through words or movement. I couldn’t do anything but lie there and listen to my mother’s hateful deception.31

Wake up, Neva… you have to wake up, you have to tell them the truth. You do remember- you can’t let her blame him!32

“How could anyone want to hurt her?” Simone asked tearfully, “how could anyone hurt my daughter?”33

I don’t know, Simone, how could they?! I screamed in my mind. How could YOU?!34

You have to wake up, Neva… get up! Open your eyes- now!35

But my eyes remained shut, no matter how hard I tried to open them… and around me, the sobs of Simone and the soothing murmur of the doctor were the only noise.36

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