Selfish

I find it funny how people older than you totally disregard anything you say because you’re not old enough to form an opinion. Take suicide for example. If you’re a teenager and believe that it isn’t selfish to commit suicide you’re shot down in your opinion on the basis that you’re too young to know anything. That’s how it is with me anyway.1

‘She obviously couldn’t handle living life anymore,’ I said.2

My grandmother stared at me. ‘But how could she do that to people she loves? She could’ve gone to her parents and told them what was wrong’3

I roll my eyes. ‘Yeah, because parents always listen to what their kids have to say,’ I keep ironing, trying to tune her out.4

‘Parents are always there for their children,’ she says. ‘Just we never get told because you kids like to keep everything a secret’5

I nod. ‘Have you ever thought that maybe they can’t tell their parents?’6

‘What could there possibly be that a child can’t tell their parents!’7

I press the steam button and steam shots out of the iron. ‘Well what if they’re gay?’8

‘They can surely tell them that they’re gay!?’9

‘Bullshit. You didn’t believe me when I told you I was.’ 10

‘That’s because you’re too young to know!’11

‘Yeah…right, Nan. We don’t know anything because we’re too young,’ I put another creased shirt onto the ironing bored. ‘Also, no, some kids can’t tell them because they’ll be disowned, or their father will beat them. You haven’t got a clue how hard it can be to be a teenager,’12

‘Don’t use that on me. I wasn’t born a sixty year old! I’ve been through it all!’13

‘No!’ I shake my head. ‘You’ve got no idea. You were a teenager forty-five years ago. A lot has changed since then!’14

‘What, so, if you couldn’t handle life you wouldn’t tell me? You’d just go ahead and kill yourself is that right?’15

‘With the experiences I’ve had with you? Yes. I would,’ I bite my lip thoughtfully.16

‘What a horrid thing to say,’ she shakes her head. ‘How selfish!’17

There’s only so many times you can be called selfish before it just becomes something you expect to hear, something that you can just block out without actually realizing you’re doing it. Unfortunately ‘selfish’ is a word my grandmother likes to use quite often, even if it’s because I refuse to watch my cousin due to the fact that I have an assignment to write. I’m used to it by now.18

‘Yeah, Nan,’ I say in a monotone. ‘I’m selfish. But…just remember that it was you who brought me up.’19

I press the steam button again and focus on the ironing, smiling to myself when she turns her back and leaves. 20