As I close this book I also close my heart
I feel like I should have never opened it from the start1
My mind is so twisted and I don’t know what to do
I’m stuck between what’s right and wrong, I have no clue2
Feelings that were once great have now turned into hate
there is no debate that death will be my fate3
I hate the way I live and I can’t take it anymore
I must end my life so I can even the score4
With a society that doesn’t care about me
I bleed just like them, when I slice my wrist they’ll see5
The pain that they put me through when they knocked me down
I’ll bleed a pool of blood and in that pool I’ll drown6
Society has caused me to commit this sin
and in the long run they’ll just sit there and grin7
As I drown in a mixture of tears and blood
Streaming down causing a flood8
And as society has pure bliss
I know I’m the one that won’t be missed9
Why can’t they just see the pain they are causing
why do they say things without pausing10
I have a broken heart and a broken home
I’m left here to walk these streets alone11
Today the world is full of hate
leaving some in a painful state12
Just like me they’ll slice their skin
and in the end society will win13
But why do they do this awful task
why do they put on these plastic masks14
Do they wake up in the dawn of day
and wonder whose life they’ll ruin today15
Well they won’t have to wonder about me anymore
They left me no reasons to live but many to die for16
Thank you society for all that you have done
You have defeated me; I know you’re happy you’ve won17
Go ahead and take your victory lap in the wake of my death
Dance in the pool of my blood as I take
my 18
last 19
breath20
Ummm...haha
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Overall, very well written. Once again, it has intrigued me. I really like this piece. Well done!
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Reading this, the poem stars off with some book, that has apparently affected the speaker in a way that led the narrator to close his heart (The phrase close your heart is a tad cliche and ambiguous. I'm not entirely certain what's meant by it and so I'm finding it hard to imagine what's going on in the poem).
Reading on, the speaker is clearly entangled in some sort of dilemma and doesn't know what to do because of this book. The things that the speaker used to feel have somehow become twisted and then "There is no debate that death will be my fate" - is this a comment on how everyone does eventually? Or a hint at the speaker suiciding? In either case, around this point, I am completely lost. There is very little context. Certainly a poem shouldn't tell the reader everything. I might as well read a newspaper if I wanted straight (or not-so-straight) facts. But what I'm saying is that perhaps the poem can give th reader *something*?
There seems to be a lot of frustration and feeling in this poem, yet unless the poem engages the reader's imagination, all these words just remain words. And usually, the most effective way to get the reader to care is to make the situation easier to imagine with concrete examples, specific imagery and an appeal to the senses (Sight, smell, sound).
That aside, I noticed the internal rhyme in strophe 3. It changed the tone of the poem to something more chant-like and reminded me of lyrics.
Grammar would probably also strengthen the read, but this was mentioned before so I won't quibble about it. So yes, overall, I think this is a expressive piece with a lot of emotion behind it and a strong focus on the destructive aspects of society. I hope my thoughts are not entirely un-useful.
Kind regards,
Solidarity
. Rewarded 8
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First off I want to thank you for your critique and second off I want to state that this is a peice of poetry and not part of a story, there is in fact a story that lies in the poem of course but it is not just a story.
I really do appreciate the fact that you read it and that you left a nice critique so thank you! -
I'm testing something out and I'm trying to get a gold membership today so I can prettify my page! Um....let us go off on a randomness note! BLALALALH!
OMG!
I found this new band today and I love them! Their songs rock my socks! WOOT WOOT! -
I really like how you rhymed this, and the way it flowed. Overall I thought it was a good poem, but maybe lacked a little depth and emotion considering how sad this poem actually is.
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Why does no one comment my stuff!?!?!
*cries* -
Yeah, society sucks, I can agree...but hey we have the most amazing gift in our hands and NO society could take that away...we have life. Sorry, I'm trying to be uber deep today and I suppose it isn't working out so well for meh! Heh, good job, Nat!!!
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