Don't Tell the Rainbow Police I'm gay -chap 1

I closed my book and looked up at my teacher, she sat there face down grading papers impassive to what was going on around her. I often wondered if I was the only one that bared this cross. How many other people were gay and hiding under the persona of being straight? I shifted my eyes away, one problem I found was if you stared too long at anyone of the same sex...people would talk. Especially since my father was on the board. How much more complicated did life seem that way?1

My brother was 3 minutes younger than me, and in doing so I treated him like he was younger. He and I shared everything, this wasn't just a cross for me to bare it was his too. I felt as if I was the young man that helped Jesus carry his cross up the street to his death. Was I doing the same thing? I would rather be the man that carried the cross, than the people that spit on Jesus as he passed by. 2

One thing was true though, a lot of the parallels of Jesus's hardships made me feel closer to God, for my brother it made him feel further. I remembered the day he told me he was gay, it was at our 13th birthday party. Moses, Joshua, and Peter had all left right after cake and ice cream. One of the down falls of being in this society is you couldn't have people stay the night. It was too easy for things to "slip" backward. 3

We were in our room, Luke sat there staring up at the ceiling as if nothing in the world was right. I knew that face so many times before and it had all been about school. I thought nothing of it as I came across the room to sit at the foot of his bed. 4

"What's on your mind?"5

Luke had sat up looking into my eyes as if he could find something inside of me that would fix the problem. He didn't answer me for a long time, just kept looking and it started to worry me. I reached over touching his cheek to focus his attention back on me as a person not soul searching.6

"Luke? What's wrong?"7

He reached up taking my hand, and playing his fingers over the palm. We were lucky to live in such a house that allowed us to be so affectionate or we would of been punished for even thinking of grazing each other's cheek softly. In some households you could say you loved someone and cared, but if you hugged it was something that you could be beaten for. I was very lucky indeed to be raised with a very affectionate family. 8

He took in a deep steady breath then looked me in the eyes, as if I would condemn him to the levels of hell. He was my brother, my twin, the other half of my soul we had experienced everything together how could I do such a thing?9

"Mary, I think I'm gay."10

I had snatched my hand back gasping as if this was enough to take on. I felt a sense of dread come upon me, and I looked around to make sure no one was listening in. I could see the hurt in Luke's eyes as I retracted, but I was way too concerned with my own feelings.11

"You can't be!"12

I had violently whispered. I didn't want Luke to be homosexual it was a death sentence or the closest you could get. 13

"I can't help it Mary, when I look at another guy...my body just reacts."14

I felt as if in that moment in time a dead weight had formed in my chest. 15

"What about what the bible says?"16

Luke had looked down, and I could see tears were forming under his eye lids. 17

"Oh, Luke you really have been carrying this weight without me haven't you?"18

He merely nodded, and all I could do was cradle him in my arms and rock him.19

"You know that I will love you no matter what, you don't have to carry this alone anymore. We have shared everything since birth and we will share that much more."20

He had shook, and after a moment he sat back up pushing me away.21

"This will be a deadly secret to keep Mary, and when the time comes I might have to leave. I don't want you to go down with me."22

I had stared him in the eyes then.23

"I can't allow you to go alone Luke, even if homosexuality is the gravest of sins in our society. You're my brother, how can I choose society over you?"24

He had smiled although bitterly.25

"Mary, you have the biggest heart I know, and people will always love you more than me. I don't think you'll be able to take the hardship that comes with carrying what I carry. Don't you realize that the very same people that love you, will hate you the most?"26

I shook my head, and for a moment didn't know what to say but it all came to me at once.27

"The people that really love me Luke, will love me no matter what. The people that don't really love me, will be the ones that would oppress me anyways. It would be in that moment that I feel most like Jesus. I would rather help you carry this cross then watch you suffer."28

Luke didn't really answer me but I knew that what I had said gave him enough to not press me further. I wondered if years after that one night anyone had suspected the way he avoided eye contact with the same sex like the plague. It seemed like to me, because he was gay he was trying harder not to be found out. I wondered if they looked for homosexuality like that. 29

My thoughts were cut short with the shrill ring of the bell and the feeling of eyes on me. I looked up to see my teacher staring at me, as if she could see through me. I got up hurrying out of the class room.30

The crowd outside of the school was so thick it was hard for me to get through to my brother. When I looked over his eyes seemed clouded some invisible problem. He was pushing through people that he would of normally just waited to move for. He didn't seem to notice anyone, but me. When he got close enough to me, instead of stopping he just grabbed my wrist and pulled me through the crowd with lot's of protests going around.31

Another problem with this society is that we also feared incest and if all the kids wanted to, they could bring up contest to this sort of interaction. Yet, I knew that most of them hadn't noticed and were too busy trying to get out of the school. 32

Once outside of the crowded school, I thought that Luke would of let go of my wrist, instead he continued to pull me. We reached the gate of the school, when I realized that we weren't going to wait for Elizabeth and Moses. They were our neighbors and really good friends. They were practically our other siblings since our families were pretty much intertwined in everything. In fact it had been expected that Moses and I would marry, then Elizabeth and Luke. 33

The dream of any of that going on with us was shattered years ago, and I didn't think that I could bring myself to marry Moses. He was much too good of a friend and brotherly type for me to see him in any romantic lighting. 34

My thoughts turned back, as I was pulled further down the road that was lined with houses and one church in the middle of it. 35

"Luke, What's wrong?"36

He didn't say anything, but shook his head meaning that he didn't want to talk about it until we were in our room. I didn't protest with him, and I didn't take my wrist away just allowed myself to be pulled further up the road and past the church. Pastor Judah was sitting outside tending to the garden around the church, when he looked up at us. I waved to him and he nodded but seemed a little confused as to why my brother was pulling me down the street.37

I merely smiled as friendly as I could, trying to reassure him that there wasn't anything "unnatural" going on. He seemed to take the que and turn back to his gardening. I let out a sigh of relief mentally. There was one thing that I had, was that the pastor adored my brother and I. He wouldn't be one to try and set us into any trouble...or maybe just yet. 38

We passed by Elizabeth and Moses's house, then turned into our own. Once inside we dumped out things at the door, and hussled up the stairs. It was something my mother was used to us doing and I knew that we were home safe now that the door had shut behind us.39

When we got to our room, and Luke shut the door I stood in the middle starring at him as he ran his fingers through his hair a little wildly. 40

"Luke?"41

He jerked his head up at me, and I saw fear etched across his features. I tensed and I felt my stomach do a flip.42

"Luke?"43

He let out some air then sat down on his bed.44

"Mary...I think someone else knows about me."45

My jaw tightened.46

"How would anyone know? You haven't said anything have you?"47

He shook his head.48

"How could they find out from just looking at you?"49

He looked into my eyes for a moment, as if he was looking for the answer to the question in me.50

"I think it's in my actions Mary. Ever since I confessed to you, I have found it increasingly hard to not stare at a guy that I have this huge crush on. I try playing it off like we are just good friends, but I can see it in the teacher's face when he looks at me."51

I froze, remembering the way my teacher had stared at me this afternoon when I had been recalling all the things said between Luke and I on our 13th birthday. Luke stared at me.52

"What is it Mary?"53

I didn't want to tell him, but he wouldn't take nothing for an answer.54

"It's just this afternoon I was thinking about when you told me about you being gay, and when I came back from my thoughts my teacher had been starring at me."55

Luke's eyes seemed to fill with more dread.56

"They know, Mary they know!"57

Tears started to well up in his eyes and were about to spill over. My heart jumped in my throat and I could feel my own sorrow weighing over me.58

"They can't Luke, they just can't!"59

I choked back my own tears.60

"I think your teacher is just concerned about you, and mine too. I have been rather spacey after all and Mr. Johnson doesn't seem like the type that would know. He is more dense than lead."61

Luke chuckled a little, although it sounded rather bitter.62

"I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Johnson knew Mary, after all his family was one of the ones that had been reaped the most of homosexuals. Who is to say that he can't tell when someone is? He could just be playing off and counting on people thinking he is dense."63

I shook my head and I knew then that there was going to be a long fight a head of us. I wouldn't let anyone take my brother. He was my BROTHER, homosexual or not we had grown up together. Anyone that said that he was a monster wasn't my friend and I could live with not having any friends. All I needed was God, and he could be the only one to give me the strength to go on with this.