Letting Go

I watched the clock as the second hand began to tick my life away.  I was weak, bed rested on the sheets that would be the last I would ever lay on.  I heard outside the murmurs of the doctors whispering “I never thought she would last this long.”1

My body was hooked up to a respirator because they felt that if I had the chance to not breathe, I would take advantage of it.  My family refused to have me taken off the respirator because they prayed everyday for a miracle, that someone would make a medical breakthrough and find a cure.  I prayed myself but I faced the reality.  2

I had been on and off medications since I was in first grade and now six years later I am hooked up to several machines with an IV in each arm.  Not once did anyone in my family ever think that maybe I wanted to die, that I was suffering.  I could not stand to feel another needle in my arm or another tube down my throat.  I figured it had to be better six feet under.  Not a minute went by without me praying to God to take me, lift my soul to heaven and relieve me of my misery.3

I knew it was hard for my family to cope with the fact that their twelve year old daughter was going to die before they were, but eventually they would have to get over it.  I was on my deathbed and there was nothing any doctor, any priest or any prayer could do to take away my discomfort and pain.  4

I was born a healthy child and at the age of six I was diagnosis with liver cancer.  When I was nine the cancer spread to my kidneys and slowly began to shut down organs in my body.  At this point the doctors gave me a year if even to live.  I got sick again only this time I was to remain in a bed for the rest of my life.  Every organ in my body had failed by now and yet I still tried to see tomorrow.  I was afraid for my parents, I did not want them to have to lose a child so young but I did not have a choice, I could not suffer anymore.  Twelve years is a short time to live, although in my situation it’s the longest twelve years anyone could live.  5

My vision began to blur and my brain slowly began to breakdown.  I had not thoughts anymore and all I could see was a bright white light ahead of me.  I felt my mother squeeze my hand and heard her say “Don’t be afraid, mommy is here with you.” At the end of the tunnel was my grandma, her arm extended, awaiting mine.  My eyes opened one last time, I looked at my mother.  6

“Please mom let me go, take me off the vent.”7

” I love you baby”8

“I love you too mom”9

My eyes closed and I heard my mom call for a doctor.  I heard through the commotion my father say he loved me.  Then I heard them detach me from the vent.  The next thing I knew my hand was clasped into my grandma’s and we were on our way to the gates of Heaven.  10