The Dark Abyss

I stand on the end of the bridge and cast my grey eyes down to the plummeting drop beneath me. At the bottom, there was water, thrashing against the side of the cliff. Each time the waves touch the cliff, I get much more frightened, and I begin to question myself. 1

Should I jump? Fall, by accident? Should I let the murky water fill my lungs, and suffocate my body? Is it worth my pointless life to feel the wonderful sensation of dropping - being free? 2

Even as my senses were overwhelmed by the bitter wind and rushing waves the despair I was running from came back to haunt me. The continuous downward spiral that my life had become was passing in front of my eyes.3

My mind worked backwards from the current abyss. Back to getting out to get some fresh air. Back to wondering around not wanting to go back to the whole where I lived. Back to seeing the cold water. Back to thinking how peaceful it looked. 4

I flashed further back. To tossing and turning in the night. Knowing even in sleep that muttering the name would set HIM off. The lights and colors shifted now as I woke to the shouting. I flinched as the names hurled through my ears. Past the waves, past the wind, past the pain.5

I pushed past the throbbing in the bruises, trying desperately to remember my dream. The memory was vague from the hours that had passed. Though the feeling was still there. The blissful, sweet feeling. It was as though every dark moment of my existence had been washed away and I could start new. I was worth something.6

At least that is what the man in my dream knew. In that dream state He was a manifestation of the only person that gave my life reason. That sweet man was the only one that could put a smile on my face. Even the life bane of my existence, the man I couldn't leave no matter what he did, even he could no longer raise my smile from the deep whole he had buried it.7

A shadow of a smile touched my cheeks now as I thought of the man that could see ME. If only I had met him first. No. I mustn't think of that. Life didn't go the way you wanted. I learned that young. This was my fate. To live but never feel alive. To not even be allowed to see the one ray of sunshine I had left. I was doomed to perpetual darkness. Unless...8

I opened my eyes to look at my escape. It was the only way. Maybe God would give me some slack after all I didn't mean to be a bad person. I guess it just happened. I just never noticed until I was told...I would hold to the hope that the next world would be better. Even if I wasn't let in to the glorious after life the preachers talked about it had to be better right? HE wouldn't be there yet.9

This was the only way. Tears ran down my cheek. The stinging created from the tears combined with the cold made me gasp. I reached up and touched the line that was stinging in the cold. In that action I realized that I didn't want to give up yet. I shouldn't have to be here. I had another option.10

Another memory had stirred this thought. It was the memory of someone else touching the tears rolling down my cheek. He could see all the pain in my eyes and I could tell he wanted it to stop. As he had taken me into his safe arms nothing mattered anymore. I wanted to feel that again. I didn't want to loose that.11

I carefully stepped back around to the safe walk way. My purse was exactly where I left it. as I tried to find my cell phone my hands shook so bad that it took several tries just to get a firm grip on the zipper. When I had the phone in my hand I wasn't sure what number to call. I had never really got to know him enough that I got his number. I probably wouldn't have allowed it to progress that far.12

I called my work. Frantically I hoped he was there. I hadn't payed attention to his other shifts. Just the ones he was on with me. Shivers racked my frame as I sat on the windy bridge. It rang once. Twice. Three times. It seemed like an eternity between the mechanical beeps.13

Finally the manager picked up. When I told him who it was he started into frantic rantings. He told of how my boyfriend had called in a rage claiming I had ran away to that-the manager censored the content here-clerk and how if I didn't show up soon he was going to come down and beat the crap out of him.14

I stopped the manager at this point. I didn't want to hear any more. I asked him to find the man I so desperately needed. The line was silent for a moment and then he was there. Tears started coming down harder. The thought that I was close to never hearing that voice again was an unbearable thought. I was barely able to spit out my location and what had happened.15

He had to get off the line to come get me and it seemed as if I was saying goodbye not see you soon. I waited shivering for what could have been hours. My mind wasn't counting time right. I didn't want to look at my phone to see the time. I didn't want to do anything until I was safe.16

Sooner than I expected but longer than I liked there was a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see the face of my savior staring down at me in concern. He said nothing but held out his hand so I could stand. I took it without hesitation. After he was sure I wouldn't fall again he went to pick up my bag. When he handed it to me I realized I didn't want anything to remind me of the past. I wanted to start over. I didn't care.17

I leaned out over the dark waters for the last time and let my past but not my future be suffocated by the raging currents.