The Magnificent Thing About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is letting someone back into your heart after they’ve been evicted.1

In its genuine form, forgiveness is true kindness.2

And, in some cases, unrightfully granted forgiveness is foolishness.3

♥♥♥4

My hands were in his and my breath was coming short and hard. Garrett’s face was close and his breath was cool and smelled like mint gum.5

“Please, Beth?” he asked for the tenth time.6

My heart ached for his tense face. His arms had more or less locked into place as he searched my eyes for any reaction.7

“No,” I replied at last for the tenth time. “I can’t.”8

I willed my mind to focus on anything besides his stunning blue eyes, endless like the sky and his perfect smile. And, I couldn’t look at his hair, which was dark brown and tumbled around his ears, completing a total textbook example of the world’s hottest guy.9

“Why not?” he demanded incredulously, gripping my hands fiercely. The cold wind played with my hair and swept it around my face. I hadn’t thought to turn the patio lights on when Garrett had called me outside and the fence between his house and mine was as tall as ever. How had he even gotten over that monster? Especially on a Saturday night, when the gate was always locked?10

“Beth?” Garrett’s eyes faltered, and I looked down to study my pink slippers.11

I forced the words out of my mouth. “Because I’m angry with you.” My breath caught in my throat when I said those words. I willed them, practically begged them to be true and for once in my life feel something besides love to this fool standing in front of me. 12

Garrett was shocked into silence. I knew what he was thinking: Beth? Angry? What is wrong with the world? Beth has never been angry with me!13

I thought about what he’d done to me. That wretched bet of his had caused me a month’s worth of tears. Asking me out all for a bet – and it took me a week to figure it out! That’s the thing: I was angry at the situation, but not at him. Hell, I was angrier at myself for believing it more than I was angry at him for starting it. Somehow, I tried to convince myself that he deserved the treatment I was giving him.14

However, I knew he could see the reluctance and hurt on my face when I spoke to him. I knew that he knew I wasn’t really mad at him. And I was positive that he knew I loved him.15

The worst part, to me, was it seemed like he didn’t care.16

Now, Garrett looked down and glared at his old Adidas tennis shoes, finding them almost as interesting as I had my slippers.17

“I’m sorry, Beth,” he said quietly, still looking down.18

My heart screamed for me to forgive him, but I silenced it sharply. I wasn’t going to go down that easily. “I don’t care.” I had imagined my voice coming out hard and steely, making Garrett leap back from me, cowering in fear from my indifference. Instead, my voice quivered and choked. I removed my hands from his and clutched them to my chest.19

After a moment, Garrett looked up and the full force of his blue eyes hit me. His face was shadowy as he took a step closer to me.20

The wall around my patio was at the back of my knees as I took an imperceptible step back.21

“Beth,” Garrett groaned. “I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say it?”22

I gritted my teeth to prevent a sob from escaping. “A lot more than that.”23

“I’m sorry,” he said again, closing what little distance there was between us.24

Inhaling sharply, I let my breath go slowly. Night scents drifted around me as crickets chirped sweetly, giving me the strange urge to crush them for sounding so happy.25

Garrett studied me again, his eyes scanning my pale face for emotions. I tried to hide the discomfort and pain that I knew he’d see there.26

After perhaps a minute of silence that Garrett didn’t seem to intend to break, I took a deep breath as I readied myself for speech. “Do you know what that did to me?” I asked at last, my voice low.27

Finally taking his eyes away from my face, he looked away in what might have been shame. “No.”28

Mirthlessly, I laughed. It was a crazed, hysterical, half-maniacal laugh that made Garrett’s gaze snap back to me quizzically. “I cried for almost 17 hours straight when I found out yesterday. Luckily for you, last night Tif and Ginger were there to scrape me off the couch and hand me tissues. Or else I’d still be there now.” I remembered the desperate state I had been in and the worry that had plagued me as I’d called Garrett and broke up with him. I hoped he hadn’t been able to hear my tears through the phone. “I loved you,” I stated, not using the present tense even though it was true. “And you made it clear enough that you don’t feel the same way,” I spat. At last, I was satisfied with my performance. I was able to scrounge up enough anger to look down my nose – even though he was a full five inches taller – at him for what he’d done.29

Garrett’s eyes were wide and he blinked once, twice and dropped to his knees. He hunched his shoulders up and they began to shake. His hands came to cover his face and I could just barely hear his strangled breathing through them.30

“Garrett?” I asked softly, the anger draining quickly from my body. He didn’t respond, even when I placed my hand on his shoulder. “Garret,” I said again, and kneeled down next to him.31

“I’m…” Garrett began, but stopped, losing his voice to force down a fit of gasps. “I’m sorry, Beth,” he repeated.32

But this time, I took his shaking hands and drew them away, holding them close to my cheek.33

Garret’s face was tear-streaked and more welled up in his eyes. My heart pounded for his, sorrow etched in the very crease of his brow.34

It took him a moment to steady his frantic breathing. “Do you know what I was doing last night?”35

I shook my head, the first of many teardrops dripping onto the concrete below me.36

“This,” he said, freeing one of his hands and gesturing helplessly at himself. “Only I didn’t have any one to comfort me.”37

“Oh, Garret,” I whispered, and put my head on his shoulder.38

He shifted so that his back was to the knee-high rock wall and leaned heavily against it. I turned with him, keeping one of his hands tightly clasped in my lap.39

A few tears still fell from his eyes, leaving little dark blue blots on his jeans. What was worse is that he wouldn’t meet my eyes. I looked at him intently, silhouetted slightly by the moon casting its pearly glow over us. He did appear sorry…40

But for all the heartache he’d caused me, was this enough?41

Garret was silent through all of this, until he withdrew his hand from mine and cleared his throat. His hands knotted themselves in his lap and at first he spoke so softly I couldn’t hear him.42

“What?”43

Garret gulped, and turned to face me. His eyes were rimmed in red from the tears and his lips quivered like a scared little boy’s.44

“Beth,” he began uncertainly. He closed his eyes for a moment and paused, as if gaining courage. “You said before that you’d loved me,” he stated.45

Why did he have to go back to this? Now he’d go and make me feel like a jerk for acting like I didn’t like him any more. I knew it. The whole pity shebang worked like a charm.46

And still, I nodded.47

His face set, he continued. “Do you still love me?”48

I bit my lip furiously, an internal debate raging in my brain.49

Abruptly, one slightly unfavorable side was vanquished.50

I grinned weakly and my eyes skated around the patio, finally focusing on a little moth flying in erratic patterns above my head. I stopped watching the moth when it crashed into my screen door and fell to the ground, wings still twitching.51

“Yes, Garret, I still love you.”52

His eyelids fluttered, and he released a sigh of relief. He took my shoulders in his hands and pulled me toward him.53

His lips were a few inches away from mine when he hesitated. I was going to strain forward, to prove my longing for him when he spoke.54

“Just to clarify,” he said, his voice low and husky. “The bet was bullshit. My friends made it up just to fool you because they thought it was funny.”55

My lower lip trembled, but I refused to succumb to tears. Not now. “It wasn’t funny.”56

“I know. Needless to say, they aren’t my friends any more. And by the way,” he added almost as an afterthought. “Even if there was a bet, I couldn’t care less as long as I’m with you.”57

I felt like I had to claw at my throat to untrap the oxygen that was being held hostage there. He couldn’t have said anything else that would make me happier right now.58

Then our lips met, and I angled my head to the side. My hands came up behind his head and twisted themselves in his dark mass of hair. He kissed me greedily, pulling me to him as if he only had so much time before I was removed. It was long and passionate and I knew that if I didn’t break it, Garrett never would.59

I pulled away and gave him a leveled stare. “You probably think you’re forgiven now, don’t you?”60

Garrett beamed and winked. “Pretty much.”61

“One more kiss will seal the deal,” I told him, smiling back.62

“Like I needed an invitation,” Garrett snorted as he lowered his head to mine.63

I closed my eyes and thought how positively magnificent forgiveness was.64