The Body...

It all started at dawn, blurry eyed, yawning, plodding one foot in front of the other, feeling brain-dead, but looking like an extra from ‘Shaun of the dead’.1

I stumbled down the stairs on autopilot and switched on the kettle to assure my waking mind that its first caffeine fix of the day was imminent. As the kettle quickly rumbled to the boil, I rolled a cigarette to make my morning fix complete.2

I lit the end of my nicotine pacifier and inhaled deeply of its glorious, deadly, cancerous pollen. And so my mind awakened to the prospect of another day. BOLLOCKS!!!3

Coffee cup in hand, I stood and made my way to the sink and looked through the kitchen window to see what this new day offered, and to my immense territorial outrage, I found some cheeky fucker sprawled out on my lawn embracing the morning sun.4

So, arse firmly in my hand, and preparing a tongue lash that could kill a man at ten paces, I unlocked the door. I stepped out into the dawn rays, squinting and shielding my eyes to investigate this dormant interloper. The closer I got, I realised that this stranger was not moving, at first I thought nothing of it and began proceed onwards. It was then that I saw there was no chest movement, no breathing and droplets of dew had collected around the face and clothes of this departed individual.5

The coffee cup that I hadn’t realise I was still holding dropped from my hand in rhythm with my increasing heart beat almost in slow motion as the cup hit the ground and splashed its remaining contents over my bare foot before soaking into the surrounding soil. A chill played the length of my vertebrae like a skilled pianist, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as the full gravity of my situation was realised. I didn’t even notice, I had stopped walking when my coffee cup had hit the ground. I was cautious, but I don’t know why. Its not like the bastard was going to jump out at me, he’s dead…..HE’S DEAD!!!!! 6

Arr, panic mode. I had to physically force myself forward to ascertain if my assumption was correct. Getting as close as I dared, I nudged him with my foot, fully expecting him to reach out and grab my ankle, releasing from me a high pitched girlish scream that would permanently crush my testosterone soaked ego. I released a sigh of relief as I realised that this is not to be the case, and knelt beside him to fully look death in the face. I reached out and touched his cold clammy face, and was surprised to find his head did not move to the side as I had expected it too. His neck was stiff as a result of the blood pooling beneath him in rigour- mortis. I examined and try to bend his limbs as my panic gave way to morbid curiosity. Inappropriate thoughts began to fill my head as I pondered whether or not he was posable, and then further as I contemplated how I could pose this ‘meat mannequin’ in my garden amidst the gnomes, flowerbeds and hanging baskets.7

My reverie was broken as a piecing scream shattered the dawn silence. I looked up and behind me, to find the location of this morning screamer. Ah, next door neighbour, top right bedroom window. Wide eyed, one hand covering her mouth while the other pointed at me as her husband joins her to see what all the noise was about. To my right was the freshly dug hole, I’d dug yesterday that was to be my new pond, and at the head of that was my spade, standing like a cross at the head of a grave. Realisation dawned. FUCK IT!!!! 8

And so began another day...9

Author notes

Fritz O'Skennick: Fave color, green.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • musical tai
    June 18

    Edit | Reply

    hmmm...

    you've got a really good plot going, and it is kinda funny... but I realy don't like the random outbursts nor the cursing. To adult to fit the criteria.

    However you really drew a picture in my head, good job, keep writting. Thankyou for entering!

    beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • DeathNoteYaoi
    September 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Heheh funny ^^ i would freak out as well

    DNY--


  • tonialoise
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good start to what could be a great story. I'm not seeing much funny in it though it's setting itself up for a humorous situation once he tries to explain.

    Anyway, thanks for entering.


  • Hellcat Metal
    September 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That was great. The last part really had me laughing! Yeah that was really good. Wow. Thanks so much for entering! Now the contest is going be harder to judge!


  • Thorn-on-the-Rose
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, good job =DDD Nicely written. But I have to agree with GuitarShank, this does jump from past tense to present tense a few times. Good story though =DDD. Very nice, Good Luck in my contest,

    -Dani


    • Fritz O skennick
      September 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hey Dani,

      Finally got round to re-editing this to past tense throughout... lol!
      Many thanks,
      Take care,
      Fritz.........


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this one. The build-ups, the subtleties, the ending, I liked it all

    The only gripe I have is that from paragraph 4 onward, you start switching between past and present tense

    Thanks for entering


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    May 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good!

    This is very well written. I had no idea what to expect. A dead body is a strange thing to wake up to. It seemed that your main character is either innocent or blacked out and didn't remember. On the other hand, it also seems that he might be framed for murder.

    Cigarettes were a cancer causer and a nicotine pacifier.

    This little mystery of yours is left unsolved.

    Thanks for entering 'Smokin''

    Andy


  • loyda
    May 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    hahaha

    european comedy is the best.

    heck, i loved this bizarre little piece!

    cheers!


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Loved It!!

    I loved this! You had a good hook that reeled me in and kept me wanting to read. In the first para, should ‘but’ be ‘and’ after brain-dead? Not sure. I loved your metaphors and laughed out loud when I read nicotine pacifier. That was hilarious! In para 8, ‘realise’ should be ‘realize’. Simply, I loved your terminology and you created a perfect setting. This story was very well written and highly entertaining. Bravo-Bravo-Bravo! Loved it!
    ~D

1 - 10 of 10