Subito Morendo No. 7

SUBITO MORENDO NO. 7
by Matthew Maldonado1

Morning rose on the city with an affable air, a good strong wind sweeping in from the north to carry away the night’s clouds. The sun shone all the clearer for it, lacquering the town in soft gold and softer blue so that all the windows were aglow, and all the shadows gentle. A faint mist still lingered on the streets, each invisible dewdrop a miniscule prism, diffusing the light until it had snuck its way into just about every nook and cranny the city had to offer. The sun seemed intent to touch everything it could, from the tiniest townhomes that sat on the edge of the city limits to the quaintly average houses that infested suburbia—to the ever-ascending spiral of skyscrapers that made up the very core of downtown, the steel and glass so tightly groped by the light that the buildings looked like javelins of fire.2

From the roof of a house on a hill a mile from the city’s outskirts, this vainglorious view of the entire effervescent city seemed like a gift, as if God had scooped the city up onto a platter and sat it on the opposite end of the cerulean bay so that the house’s occupant could forever partake in this solar splendor. The positioning of house and city could not have been more impeccable, nor the real estate more grossly expensive: it was the sort of house that rock stars squandered and trillionaires bought in spades. It sat on the edge of the bay atop its viridian hill, sprawling but stately, everything tight and rigid and grand, every aspect of it carefully composed.3

He liked that.4

The view was quite good from within the house, but no window or balcony could hope to match what was visible from the roof of the central wing, the tallest structure in the building. It had been designed to be some sort of open-air, laissez-faire observatory, but had, under previous owners, been reduced to a place to party under the stars, drunkards swaying to and fro in front of a view that was left wholly unappreciated by their inebriated eyes.5

Now, though, he had cleared everything away—all the tables, all the chairs, all the couches and all the loveseats; they sat in awkward clusters in the basement with all the telescopes and other astronomical artifacts. Once upon a time, he had briefly considered restoring the roof to its former glory, but had instead opted for improving it, clearing away all the trappings of its past, good and bad, and replacing it with something new, something for which it would be remembered for always.6

Near the very front of the roof, so that it was closest to the city, was a terraced dais laden with red velvet, luxurious and soft to the touch. Atop it was a music stand made of pale gold, matte in texture and shaped into an art deco spray of water, rising up and fanning out and ensconcing a thick leather booklet in its angular waves. Resting diagonally atop the black booklet was a simple baton crafted in grand fashion: carved from a single piece of rhodochrosite, it was a polished, tapering wand, richly scarlet and lavishly smooth. The sunshine reflected off its surface in languid lines, the pallid light dyed a sober orange by the crystal.7

He stepped through the double doors that served as a gateway to the roof, letting them swing shut behind him with a perfunctory slam—and stopped dead, bouncing smartly on his feet as he took a moment to bask in the Godly glory that was Eight O’Clock On A Monday Morning. He was dressed far too sharply for the hour, swathed as he was in the livery of the host of some exuberant and exorbitant black tie ball. His black shoes gleamed as if slick with oil, and every piece of his tuxedo was neatly ironed and impeccable. Every inch was free of lint, from his coattails to the insides of his pockets, and each of the ebony buttons was brightly polished. His little black bowtie was tied perfectly straight, and his ruby cufflinks were without a single blemish. He wore a sash about his waist the color of maroon, bordering on crimson, that broke the monochrome monotony of his outfit. 8

Above his perfectly-pressed collar was a face that failed to live up to the luxury that lay below. It was rife with lines and slightly doughy, the skin stretched and kneaded and fattened by too many years and too much good food. The nose was pointy but bulbous, and so overlarge as to make the face appear hawkish. His mouth was perpetually crooked, slanting upward on one side, forcing it into an aged smirk; it was surrounded by stubble on all sides, the thick gray-black hairs densely populating the man’s face from ears to chin. The hair on his head was mostly a harsh black and very tightly curly, though there was a jut of frizzled, graying hair that stuck out near the front on one side, rendering his face all the more lopsided. The flesh around his eyes was a basset hound’s, mournful and sagging, but the eyes themselves were dangerously vivid, the gaze sharp and gleaming like a fang. 9

One eye was a brown so dark it was practically black, and the other was rhodochrosite red, with a pupil pinched so tightly closed that the iris looked like a cut jewel.10

He smiled at the sun, his chapped lips stretching painfully around his bleached grin; his lips were split in places, and he idly ran his tongue over them, lapping at the blood that oozed from the fissures. 11

He smacked his lips in a satisfied way, still grinning, and strode forward, marching up the short series of steps between the recessed entryway and the rooftop proper. He arrived on deck with a sharp clicking of his shoes against the Corsican tile, and by this time, his smile had faded into the closest thing to sobriety he could manage. With his heterochromatic eyes locked on the music stand, he clicked his way to the dais, looking strangely out of place in the midst of the morning light; he seemed to deflect the dawn, his form retaining its stark sharpness in spite of the sun. 12

The velvet gave away just a bit as he settled his shoe onto the first step. He rose to the top of the dais slowly, with reverence, savoring every step upwards, and visibly relishing the moment when he finally had both feet planted firmly at the top: he stood there, ramrod straight, with his eyes closed and his smirk rising, for several minutes. The wind swept around his stillness, brushing him but leaving his pristine attire unscathed; the sun failed to warm his clothes, which stubbornly retained the chill they had obtained within the air-conditioned interior of the house; the birds chirped nervously into the silence he created, trying to break the tension between their beaks and on the back of their primal songs. 13

When his eyes opened, they were already resting on the baton, as if he had seen it through his aged and spotted eyelids—as if he had been watching it through them the entire time he’d had them closed, caging it in his ceaseless stare. He smiled softly at it, the corners of his eyes crinkling coldly as he plucked the baton off the stand in the same way that one would pluck a small and fidgety bird out of a cage. He clenched it possessively, the sallow, olive skin of his fingers going pale as he hefted the baton experimentally, checking the weight, and the balance. He turned it in the light, examining the way the crystal refracted the sunshine, checking for fractures, scratches, smudges, chips, and divots. The light twisted inside the gem, carried along the sinuous curves of the crystalline structure, squirming like trails of blood in water, twining amorphously.14

Satisfied that his baton was still without defect, he held it at his side at a cant, and flipped open the leather booklet with his free hand, watching his every movement with his continuous intensity. He adjusted the book so that it sat perfectly center on the stand, and took a moment to contemplate the first page, upon which was printed15

SUBITO MORENDO NO. 716

IN THE 17

MAJOR OF E#18

and nothing else.19

He turned the page, exposing the score to the air: to the untrained eye, it was a chaotic mess caught in a net of staffs, bars, and legers, forced into order only by the structure of the page. Some would say that a centipede dipped in ink and sent skittering across the paper could’ve done just as good a job, if not better, and looking at it now, he could not truly blame the uninitiated for such an assessment. It was, genuinely, a fervent cascade of dots and lines and little obscure notations, of clefs and longas and brevi and minims and crotchets and quavers, semiquavers, hemisemiquavers—all their ilk—notes with beams, notes with dots, some of them flats, some of them naturals, some of them sharps, some of them legato, some of them glissando.20

All of them his.21

He let his mismatched gaze wash over them with loving tenderness—and then his stare snapped up to the city, and he found himself standing even straighter than before, with his arms lazily akimbo, hands hovering on either side of him, suspended in this moment before the storm. He spent those paralyzed seconds studying the city, contemplating its contents, its workings, its com hundreds of thousands of teeming masses that trickled through its veins, the vehicles that sputtered hither and yon, the bricks and mortar and wood and steel and concrete that were its body…all of it, hustling and bustling about as the workday began.22

His fingers tensed.23

It had been a mezzopiano morning, but now was the time for fortissimo.24

He swept his hands up to their highest point, the sun catching in his baton, turning it into a bar of glowing magma as the top ten floors of the tallest building in the city exploded, every window shattering so that the sky was momentarily bright with glassy glitter. Fire was quick to follow, billowing out of the building in rolling spheres and twisting tongues, their edges black with smoke as the flames feasted on everything inside that was fit to burn. 25

His hand kept the beat, twitching in tune with the screams, as he stared across the bay at the torch that the skyscraper had become, burning high in the sky, illuminating the nearby buildings with the vicious vibrance of its own fiery decay. Smoke bled into the air in thick gouts, drawing a sharp black line in the sky, a punctuation mark to the sudden destruction, swallowing all the birds and all the sunshine in its carbon claws. 26

Suddenly his hands swan dived, sinking out of sight behind the music stand-—but he kept staring forward, through and through, his gaze unshakable, his eyelids never so much as twitching, even as his hands sunk to the lowest possible point they could manage while he was standing so upright.27

A massive and brittle cracking sound rang out over the bay, and across the city as a whole, shaking all the nearby windows so that they quivered noisily in their frames. It was the sound of a gargantuan bone being snapped, or a vicious thunderbolt cracking through the clouds, or the death knell heart attack of an empire, aurally personified. It hung over the city like a corpse riddled with razor blades-—but lingered in his ear like a sharp burst of brass and timpani, accented by shrill woodwinds. Very sforzando. Very beautiful.28

His hand twitched slightly upward, and another, smaller crack cut through the air, accompanied by a glissando of concussive noise that arrived at his ears as a percussive rumble. His baton rose, and so did the sound, and suddenly the skyscraper was sinking, its base swathed with an ever-growing cloud of debris as it descended into its own foundation, the whole thing wobbling violently, the smoke spewing from its top drawing a sickly scribble on the sky. Every floor found itself flattened and obliterated by the weight above it, the support struts groaning and shrieking in the scant seconds before their brutal collapse, the entire structure compounding itself again and again and again in a rising crescendo of necrotic noise. 29

His hands reached their apex just as the inferno that was the top of the building sank into the ground, the atramentous smoke quickly mingling with the gray-white cloud of debris that had once been the proudest portion of the city’s skyline. They swelled together, rising and expanding, and, at the insistence of his baton, began to squirm through the city streets in dense tendrils, like the arms of some gaseous hydra. Their movement was relentless, and their hunger voracious, sweeping up light poles and stop signs and food carts and stoplights and newspaper stands and cars and trucks and taxis and people and animals alike, gobbling them up into the impenetrable ash-fog.30

He let those sounds sing into the sky for at least a minute before flicking his baton to the west, summoning the first series of emergency vehicles, their sirens blaring in all directions, like shrill piccolos playing agitato. He did the same for the east, and the north, and the south, calling in a chorus of klaxons, letting them slowly build on one another as they got closer and closer to the center of the city, until all of them were singing in discordant harmony. 31

And then with a sweeping flick of his baton, he called forth a series of smaller cracks, like epic gunshots crying out into the shattered morning—and then a series of skyscrapers dropped like felled trees, tipping into the streets, twisting perilously as they slammed into nearby buildings, the frightened sounds of their occupants drowned in a sea of metallic groans and glass crashes, and the crepital cracks of brick and mortar.32

They sank beneath the tentacular deluge of debris just as he gave a pronounced circular motion with both his hands, the movement sharp and violent, the strain self-evident in his face, his teeth ground taut against one another.33

He was quick to regain his composure—-just as every major skyscraper that had surrounded the central one cracked, and fell as one, in complete sync, toppling outwards like the blossoms of a rose. Each one struck the ground at a different time, in perfect sequence, creating a rising cascade of thunder, each one hitting harder than the last, each one pushing the ash-hydra further and further into the streets, choking the city with devastation, infecting it with all the more chaos for him to conduct.34

And as he sank all the bridges in and out of the city into the bay, the water merrily snatching them into their depths, he smiled much too widely.35

/What a wonderful recording this will be./36

And hopefully, he’d get it right this time around.

Author notes

For DreamWanderer's Contest:

Conspectus: A story of a man and his effort to create his greatest work.

"Malcolm Lowry rulez!" says Matthew-Maldonado

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 83 of 83

  • CheshireCat
    November 18
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    very nice, and descriptive. But I'm not sure what this has to do with insanity. I'll have to remove it. I'm sorry, but good luck in the other contests!


    • Matthew-Maldonado
      2 days ago
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Well thank you, but...the man is -clearly- insane, so your removal of the story has me questioning your own stability of mind. D:


  • corrupthoughts
    November 16
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Wow man, I don't even know where to begin with this one... It was wonderfully written, spectacularly so. God, some of your word choices blew me away, I have yet to read something so perfectly put together on this site. You are really good at description, although I do not think you need me to tell you that. I could not find any mistakes, only wanted to point out these two lines I particularly liked;

    para 9 - "was a face that failed to live up to the luxury that lay below" -- that, is a really, really good line

    para 20 - "Some would say that a centipede dipped in ink and sent skittering across the paper could’ve done just as good a job, if not better" -- haha, I really like that one too.

    I don't even have any plot issues to point out, I was so wrapped up in vividly watching an older guy in a tux, conducting upon a rooftop the devastation of an entire city before him. Amazing idea. Naturally, I would have liked to know where he came from, who he was and essentially, what his ultimate goal was (even tho I have a pretty good idea for that one). It is obvious though, that you deliberately left those things out by the way you choose to end it.. and that works for this story.

    Over-all, I would call this man a villain, however not your typical kind, which, is exactly what I was looking for in this contest. I would seriously consider publishing this. Thank you for entering and good luck!

  • Marta gold member
    November 15
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Smooth. Elegant. enigmatic. well written. Great job.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Night Terrors
    April 19

    Edit | Reply
    Hey this was so great I really loved this so clever!!! It really had something about this that made just fasinated by what you were saying. I could almost hear the music! Great imagery!


    The Positives:

    Wonderfully written full of some very creeepy elements. I found myself extremely intrigued with this from start to finish.

    The Negatives:


    You did awesome no issues at all


    Overall:

    I give this an 10/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering. I am adding you to the finalist list.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • DeathByChocolate
    April 13

    Edit | Reply
    I LOVE your style of writing!!!!!!!!!!!! Very good imagery and discribtiveness. Beautifully written!!!!!!!!!

    GOOD LUCK!!!!!


  • DreamWanderer gold member
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    V for Vendetta did come to mind (the movie, for some reason, not the graphic novel. Disturbing, for the former mangled the latter). First off: no denying your skill, far above many published authors (which, too often these days, is a rather low bar to hurtle). The images were vivid, a bit obsessive with the details and in some places flowery or redundant, I found myself pining to move the story along. Upside, and here you succeeded in spades: I had little trouble envisioning The Conductor, a creature from Da Vinci's Grotesques, and his chaotic masterpiece, the climax left ringing in my head. The madness, too, chapter 20 outlining the gibberish of his notes, the ending hinting this could be a delusion or, worse, he has done this before. Destruction as an age old art. Intriguing, loquacious, ostentatious, brilliant, it's all these, it's difficult what to make of this arcane style. But then again, that was my reaction to my first reading of Under the Volcano, since grown to be my all time favorite novel.

    For all of this, well done
    Dw

    • Matthew-Maldonado
      April 5
      Edit | Reply
      I think the reason why the movie came to mind instead of the graphic novel is because the movie provided an actual audio-visual association, as opposed to the aurally-deficient art of sequential storytelling. I'm amused, though, by how many people think of V For Vendetta when the story always evoked Fantasia in my mind.

      I deeply appreciate your review, and enjoy that it explores both the good and the bad of the story, as well as--FINALLY--what I was actually trying to get across with the story. Very few of my other readers have explored the ambiguity of the story I was presenting to them, preferring instead to accept it at face value, and so I thank you deeply for your musings.

      I agree that it is dense with detail and ripe with purple prose, but considering the surreal nature of the story and the fact that it was written to deeply entrench the reader into the mind of the Conductor, I find it hard to know where to pull back and still maintain the tone from line to line. I also do not go searching for these details so that I can cram them into my prose: they simply show up in my head as I'm composing and I try to work them in while still maintaining the flow.

      Fortunately, this is only a first draft, so I still have to refine from here before courting publishers.

      I fear I cannot respond thoroughly to your praise, for, as I've noted below, I'm afraid that doing so would make me succumb to egotism and still my improvement. Nonetheless: thank you.

      And I think I'll be looking into Under the Volcano, when I can.

  • icyrose
    March 30

    Edit | Reply
    This is perfect. Many would argue that the adjectives are excessive, but the baroque, rich essence of your work needs no reprimand. In fact, I happen to be a fan of verbose writing, and though it is difficultly done with style, you have certainly done it. The character is brilliantly portrayed, and the destruction of the city, with its apocalyptic description, only magnifies the greatness of his personality.
    Bravissimo, indeed.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, what can I say that has not already been said? You do have a way with words and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your style of writing is quite impressive and your descriptions are incredible. Thank you for entering.
    Trish

  • bridges41
    March 15

    Edit | Reply

    Overwritten /over daramatic

    This piece of action has no real characterization and no real setting. All the glitz of the first two paragraphs showcase the author's need to dazzle the reader with fancy and totally unnecessary words. If one is to feel the horror of a city being destroyed one needs to feel the life of the city -- not the light reflected off of it. Sorry -- I guess it's just not my style. I think adjectives should be used sparingly, if at all.

    beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 1.

    • Matthew-Maldonado
      March 15
      Edit | Reply

      Now, lessee...

      I'm not one to respond to comments, most of the time (especially not positive ones; accepting praise makes me feel like an egotist), but I do rather like explaining myself to commentators who don't quite grasp what I was trying to achieve by doing things the way I do. Helps others understand, and helps myself understand, y'know?

      Anyway. Your comment leaves me concerned that you maybe did not read it all the way through, or began to skim it after a certain point, possibly? It's just that the notion that it lacks characterization seems a false one, seeing as the whole point of the story was to get the reader behind the mind of the Conductor, whose character is quite purposefully outlined and expressed in the story.

      As for me focusing on the "light reflected off of it" as opposed to the "horror of a city being destroyed," the truth is that it was written, purposefully, from the perspective of the Conductor, a man who does not see his destruction as horrific--instead, he views it as an enormous, fantastic symphony of new and unusual sounds. My intention was not to horrify you with the terror of the townspeople, but with the utter detached sociopathy of a man making murder and destruction for the sake of art.

      Objections with the writing style are always valid, as they are mostly a subjective, preferential thing, so if it's not your sort of thing, it's not your sort of thing.

      Either way, have a good day!

  • VariousSingularity
    February 26

    Edit | Reply
    Was the alliteration near the beginning intentional? Very cool.

    You know, I usually get annoyed by verbose writing on this site. I'd say it has its place outside of here, certainly in a Lovecraftian tale. Mostly, people on here with such writing styles just make asses of themselves.

    But you...I like you. Well, maybe not you, seeing as I have no idea who you are. But your story's fantastic. I actually liked it.


  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 13
    Edit | Reply
    well written yes, but are you serious about putting it in this many contests!!!!!

    • Matthew-Maldonado
      February 13
      Edit | Reply
      Well thank you. And I know, it's in a lot, but I've found contests to be a really good way to solicit feedback. That's been my only motivation in entering so many; the trophies were just an unexpected bonus. XD


  • Dreama
    January 29

    Edit | Reply
    oh i think you've entered this in another of my contests previously actually, lol. again, well written original fantastic thanks for entering XD


  • islekine
    December 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Quite the symphony of words!

    Very well penned...but you knew that!
    Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on!


  • Mads
    December 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved your description, you're vivid words, and the sentence, "It had been a mezzopiano morning, but now was the time for fortissimo." That was really cool to me...
    Great, great job!


  • WolfSpiritMia
    November 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I have a feeling I've already read this story... Hmmmmm..... Oh I see, I left a comment before for my other contest. Well let's stick with what I said before, good luck!!!!


  • Shimmerfairy
    November 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was really well described and the vocabulary was amazing!

    I felt that maybe the character himself could have been developed better, like his past ect and reasons for turning bad.

    However it really kept my attention and was great!!!


  • tallblondie gold member
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The descriptive language and vocabulary used in this was incredible - it really helped to build an almost ritualistic atmosphere in the piece. The only itch I had was with sentence length - I felt that in some places some variety in sentence length could have increased the impact of this wonderful story. I particularly enjoyed how you build on the idiomatic idea of the demise of the denizons on this city were 'music to his ears' - in the truest sense - to him at least - their anguish was a choreographed symphony.

    Thank you for your entry in Sheer Brilliance.

  • Minorchar
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Right. My first instinct is to take you to task for not giving the conductor any obvious character or motivation for his actions, and also for a general vagueness.

    Also, because this reminded me a lot of V for Vendetta.

    However. I cannot bring myself to do so. I enjoyed this story immensely, and found myself wanting to read and finish it (which is rare). Your sentences were very good--not perfect, but I do love a long-winded sentence that still manages to communicate effectively. And yours mostly do.

    My only real problem is actually with the sentences--you have too many long ones in a row. In a couple places you have fantastic usage of the long paragraph followed by the very short sentence; but in others, the long sentences got a bit monotonous--they could use at least a bit of breaking up within the paragraphs.

    All in all, excellent job.


  • MidniteRockers
    October 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm sorry, but as your story is over the 2,000 word limit, I will have to DQ you from the contest.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hi

    I've read this story before and found it to be good as well as unique. It reminds me of the story of Nero playing a fiddle while Rome burned. I doubt the that particular story is anything but myth.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published.

    Andy


  • Neolittlefish
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very good and i loved the description, i would love to have written something like this! very good and it's no suprise that you've won so many awards, fantastic!

  • WolfSpiritMia
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very descriptive! But for my contest, I don't think this would fit. It was a bit boring, it didn't grab my attention much. As I am only 12, I didn't find it very appealing, but it was good! Good luck!


  • DogsLookUp silver member
    October 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You have such a broad range of vocabulary, your descriptions are rich with imagery and beautiful metaphors, I really don't have words to express just how amazing this story was. Especially the line "the steel and glass so tightly groped by the light that the buildings looked like javelins of fire." Thank you for sharing this piece of artistic genius with me <3


  • asthray.heart
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    OH MY GOD... I saw all the contests, all the trophies and was like wow. This must be something special, gave me anticipation for what I as about to read. And Oh my ...

    Did this possibly deliver.

    The wording, big words, description and flow to perfection. I am in awe of your skill. I would ask is this your best, but this was so amazing I don't think I need to.

    I loved every moment of this, it kept my eyes glued to the screen. It's what I was looking for!!! I especially loved the music descriptions.

    Thnks for entering n goodluck.

    Lady Madeline.


  • Fearless.
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this story but it isn't something that young children would read. Parts of it I didn't understand as I am only 11, but if I was older I would have a better understanding of it.

    ~Devil Angel~


  • Kagamine Rin
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So much description in this passage! I love it. The title confused me a bit, as I do not take Spanish, but Frnech. Anyhow, I loved it! So much mood in the atmosphere, with a chill that shivered me so!

    I really enjoyed reading this, however, you did not read the rules... Unless you put it and I didn't catch it.


  • Matthew-Maldonado
    September 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Irish Ducttape?

    ...Swedish doorhinges?


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, that was awesome. I'm a huge fan of detailed description and rich imagery and you delivered. But you've heard all that before, I'm sure.
    After browsing through the comments, I just have to say, *I* knew "crepital" was a word. I did have to look up "atramentous", though.
    Seriously, though, if I had more patience, this is the kind of writing I'd love to write. Full of awesome big words and larger-than-life descriptions. Beautiful and lovingly-crafted, this was, and many congo rats to you for setting out such a gem for us all to gawk at, like the backwoods hicks that we are.
    I think my favorite description of all was "The light twisted inside the gem, carried along the sinuous curves of the crystalline structure, squirming like trails of blood in water, twining amorphously." Light twisting, and blood squirming...somehow that just fired up my imagination instantly.
    Aaaaand I have some other editorial stuff here, let's see...pick what you like, it's all free, and if no one buys it, I'm chucking the lot at the end of the day.
    tightly groped? P2 you mean gripped? grope is like, when you're blindly reaching around for something in the dark, and it doesn't play well with "tightly" unless you're going for the sexual connotation, which is kinky for sunshine
    livery of the host P8 - livery is almost exclusively used to mean the distinctive clothing of a servant; a uniform; the person whose colors, crest, sigil or arms are stamped or sewn onto the clothing they wear is their master.
    gave away P13 I think you mean gave way? It's not giving away anything in this sentence.
    sat perfectly center P15 - centered, maybe? or sat perfectly at (the) center?
    its com hundreds P22 - is that "com" supposed to be there? forgive me but if it is, I don't get it
    wait, I'm confused; first is the single skyscraper, and then "a series of skyscrapers", and then "every major skyscraper that had surrounded the central one", right? so, the first grouping isn't any major skyscraper, then, just some little ones? Maybe you could clarify that somehow; I thought you were describing the same thing twice at first.

    This is in my top three favorite stories now.

  • Cassandra Gemini
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh...my...god... where did you learn to write like this?? I don't think I've ever seen a story on Storywrite that had words in it that I didn't know, but there were tons of them in this. It was beautiful, some of the best imagery I've ever seen. I don't really understand who you envisioned this mysterious man to be or why he's destroying the city, but I can make my own story out of that fact. Amazing job!


  • Friesian
    September 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful!

    Absolutely stunning imagery! Descriptions in this are WONDERFUL! Gorgeous! Great job! I could see everything so perfectly! -Lissy


  • Oddems.
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your descriptions were amazing if not a bit too much in some parts. A wonderful idea that seems to combine the insanity of one into the beauty of another. Spectacular job and good luck!

    PR


  • Finis
    September 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I`m really not a fan of descriptions....but I know how to apriciate a good write. I`d give you a medal before I even read the others.....but I gues that wouldn`t be too fair.
    anyway great write.... I`ll be checking your other storys when I`ll finish with this contest


  • quicksilver moon
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your descriptions and vocabulary were simply beautiful and amazing. The guy definitely had an orchestra there. I could almost see everything he was doing. Really good work! Thanks for entering this story.


  • kitigrl-sparkloholic
    August 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is a very good story

    but if you read the rules, you would know its a little too long so i will have to DQ you. i really like the title.

    thank you for entering my contest!

    ~kitigrl~


  • KaitieTheCheeto
    August 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was very well-written. I didn't see many grammar errors, you were very descriptive, and I loved it.
    Thanks for entering! Great luck!


  • Boondock Saint
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This was a great read. You used such a wide range of vocabulary flawlessly. I'm also a active member of the choir and band and so i am well aware that you have to be also active in the music society. I loved how destructive he was with just the movements of his hands. Very Joker like.

    Thank you for entering


  • Myra La-Ryn
    August 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Really good. umm... yeah. The elegance (in both sences of the word) is gorgeous. Keep it up.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    August 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, wow um, just wow. Your vocabulary was stunning and you must have a lot of background in music. I have none so the musical terms went clear over my head but still I could apresiate the quality of them. I have never seen this much description in one story on this site in the year I have spent shifting through stories searching for it. Although a few parts in his destructive act were slightly confusing and I lost track but otherwise this war marvolouse. Wow, I can't spell. If I could write like this I'd be the happiest person in the world. Thank you for entering, I found this to be an amazing story.

    I love Grave of the Fireflies but I cried so hard at the end. Wonderful movie choises.


  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for putting in your films. I liked Eternal Sunshine a lot too. :

  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

    This was a great story, really vivid description. I also like how you didn't name your main character, how he was so mysterious. You also obviously have a great knowledge of music and the orchestra, and you worked that in beautifully. I really loved the end when you basically implied that this has happened before and would happen again.

    However...... you have failed to comply with my request for your favorite movie in your Author's Notes. Please put this in. If you don't I will be forced to DQ you. If you don't have a favorite movie, or just like too many put that, but don't leave it blank!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Hellcat Metal
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I know that I said that I didn't care for description too much in the contest but your descriptions were wonderful in this! I knew that something was up with your character but I didn't know what until he started destroying everything. Great read, very well written, and creepy. Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Rhonin gold member
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i feels so strange saying this, but...you have turned terrorism into an art form. i hope you forgive me for saying, but this reminded me of a more sophisticated and artistic form of the scene from V for Vendetta where he conducts the explosion at the beginning.

    now, insultingly inadequate movie reference aside, you are a literary genius. the words, the descriptions, the vocabulary...musical, destructive, passionate, insane yet composed. so many ways to describe what you have done, and so many contradictions that blend so well together.

    the strangest part was, i knew what you were going to do before i even started reading. however, the way you began...i don't know how, but the beginning caused me to be taken totally by surprise when everything started to happen.

    absolutely amazing. artfully superb. truly a master's work indeed.

    my only question...you said at the end "and hopefully he'd get it right this time around" and the part about the recording...i'm not sure if i missed something in the story, or if there's some outside significance, but i was hoping you could maybe explain this a bit for me. by all acounts, the story is great regardless, but curiosity compels me to ask about this minor detail.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • intoothandclaw
    July 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a fascinating piece. Very interesting. You deserve every trophy this has won. However, I hate to say this, but... despite technically fitting the description, it's not quite what I was looking for in this particular contest. Very well-written, don't get me wrong, but... it just doesn't quite fit the theme I was going for. May well be communication failure on my part. Sorry.


  • whenever love dawns
    July 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was very well written! some of the vocabulary went over my head though. i loved your attention to detail and made sure to pace it right. thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!


  • toolenduso
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing job. Your writing style is great, your presentation incredibly effective, your description nothing short of amazing. It's no wonder this story has won so many awards...

    There's really nothing to critique, per say here, just things that could have been perhaps different, some things maybe a little better. But the reason I hesitate here is because different may or may not be better. Obviously, this was done in your own style, and I encourage you to continue and expand upon your wonderful style.

    Amazing job, thanks for entering!

    Style: 9/10
    Flow: 9/10
    Uniqueness: 5/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 8/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 5/5
    Total: 46/50


  • Frozen Angel
    July 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love the description in this, it is so vivid. Nice job. I really enjoyed reading this, so thanks for entering it in my contest. Keep it up!

    *Frozen Angel*


  • Adelaide Blood
    July 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Alright well this piece was pretty good; great descriptions and imagery, and little typing errors in the fields of punctuation, spelling, grammar, or sentence structure. It was creative and stunning, definitely an original work. It just makes me wonder what was going on in this man's head... My what it must be like to take a peak into his mind...

  • Friesian
    July 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful!

    Absolutely stunning descriptions! Strikingly gorgeous and brilliant imagery! I could sense everything, so wonderful, brimming with life! A very marvelous story! Astonishing and amazingly beautiful writing! Excellent job!

    -Lissy


  • IxLovexElphiex
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. this is brilliant.
    just gorgeous gorgeous imagery. its so detailed i can see everything!
    beautiful word choice for a very...disturbing story.
    loved it!
    thanks for entering and good luck!!!


  • Naive.
    June 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You have an incredible knack for description. It's quite breathtaking. I thoroughly enjoy reading pieces with brillant word-use and metaphors. Incredibly interesting plot AND character. Amazing job on intriguing me. Great job. Seriously.

    Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck! =]

    -jj


  • jacobea
    June 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the rich description in this. It's very well written with good vocabulary. The portrait you've given of the character is very vivid, which serves to make the end quite horrific, i thought. Nice one


  • Tsubasa
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Very well written. I can't really touch the writing itself with any sort of criticism that I can see or read. The story itself was... horrifying. To say the least. The fact that he enjoyed it and found it beautiful... I really liked how you made your character that way.

    But I would have liked to know why he was doing what he was doing. Why did he enjoy it? Was he really happy? If he was happy destroying the city, why was he happy? What was his heart, exactly?

    I guess I could infer it on my own, but I wish you would have gone more into detail about what he was thinking, feeling, ect. I really wanted to know his own thoughts on his actions.

    This was a great piece, though. Thanks for entering! Hope your days are bright!

    Tsubasa


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    June 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Boom.

    I've actually read this a few times from it being entered in my contest, but its always been a good read.

    Thanks for entering!


  • Melancholic Smile
    June 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You portrayed this character very well and the use of imagery in the descriptions was fantastic. It was a good twist - I like this story! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    June 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Well Written.

    This reminds me of the story of Nero fiddling while Rome burned. Some of the vocabulary was above me, but I think I followed the story pretty well. I was curious how he was able to destroy the city?

    I notice that you have entered a lot of contests and done pretty well in them. Thanks for entering WANTED!!! Monsters, Demons, & Villains. You certainly presented an unusual villain.

    Andy

  • Jinxgirl
    June 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very intriguing, your use of description and vocabulary are well done and your intense set up for the somewhat ambiguous ending are very skilled. thanks for your entry!


  • MoraKpon
    June 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    evil characters?...w/e
    still a great story, all very well presented and described. i enjoyed it immensl


  • Just Breathe.
    June 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is a really good story and it has good deatils and words. Thanks for entering and good job!


  • Reaver Greeters member
    June 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Already commented on this one.  ENjoyed it again.  Very well done!  Thanks for the entry. 


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for your entry. Good detail and descriptions. You touch multiple senses which is good. I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Toxic Paradox
    June 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    FIRSTLY I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE: MY CURRENT KEYBOARD DOES NOT LIKE THE LETTER 'E' AND I HAVE 15 STORIS TO COMMENT ON SINCE I'VE BEEN DOING EXAMS FOR THE PAST WEEK SO I'M RUSHING TO COMMENTS. NOT THE READING, I'M DOING THAT THOROUGHLY I ASSURE YOU.

    I like the idea of morning being affable. Great opening! In fact that ntire first para is fantastic, it encapsulates the city without completely drowning the reader in description.

    The second para is weaker - could use some tightening up, but the trillionires and rock stars bit I liked very much. (note to self: type less words using the letter 'e')

    "reduced to a place to party under the stars, drunkards swaying to and fro in front of a view that was left wholly unappreciated by their inebriated eyes" - nice social comment.

    Halfway through reading this, I'm wondering if your obviously ego-inflated protagonist might not b better off telling this story in first prson? That way, the reader would have to look past his own self-truths to se his flas, and it would narrow th story to make it more obvious that he wants to create a narrowd world of his own... obviously, as I haven't finished th story yet I might completely change my mind, but it sems that perhaps you could make him even more unlikeable by making your beautiful imagery come out of his mouth? Just a madwoman's suggestion.

    Oh, and the musical smantics sound almost like food, or sexual images bcause you can tell this man loves them so much, so that might also be another reason for making it first person narration. I may, on the other hand, be a divvy.

    'necrotic noise' - gorgeous collocation.

    What I especially like: how you don't quite know whether the conductor IS making the city fall, or if he just imagines that h is, and if it's all in his had or coincidence, or if he rally is creating the devstation. Also, the ending is superb - has h done it before? Will h do it again? Who can stop him?? Superman?

    I hav no real dilikes. Ther's something rotten in this man, whether it's a mental illness or a rotten magic.

    Thank you - great rottenness.


  • Vampiric souls
    June 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is really good, thanks for entering my contest I found this piece to be intresting.


  • moonwriter
    June 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That was amazingly interesting. The imagery and descriptions were flawless. Your style is amazingly elegant and smooth. The story had a good flow with a very itneresting story line. Creative, original, and all together mesmerizing. Phenomanol job! Fantastic!


  • WillyLee
    June 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The concept, description, imagery, the way the story steadily and gradually builds, everything is just great! Very elegant, imaginative and masterful writing. Bravo!


  • Nostalgia
    June 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful job, this piece was mesmirizing. Though I do agree with the later poster, there is such a thing as to many details. I myself love good imaginary, but if you add too much, you fail to keep the readers interested. But I love the whole piece and the unique qualities. This is perfect for this contest. Thanks and good luck.


  • perfect paradox
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great writing and it kept me on my toes! I love the description that you added!

    Some itches I had were:

    Just some format things. Like, some of your paragraphs can be easily split some of your paragraphs in half, for two different paragraphs. This meaning your packed some, only some, paragraphs with too much information.

    I loved your descriptions a lot but my only problem with them were that they didn't hold my attention. Cut back on some details, definetly not all, and make the remainder really stick out. I noticed the similies and metaphores and those really helped keep your piece together. Don't add any more.

    Grammar wise, it was great. There was nothing that really killed me and I loved how you took them music to a different level. Almost as if the music itself was alive.

    Just a suggestion. Some of us aren't too good on our music definitions. Maybe you could add an extra note to your AN telling what some of those words mean? Thanks!

    Overall, a stunning piece! Good luck in the contest!
    *sorry for the long comment*
    -CC

    *Edit: Sorry for this, I just realized something. Try testing with some different sentence lengths. Some shorter and some longer. It'll keep the flow and the reader's attention!

    And thanks for the Santa Goes Boom and mention what option!


  • Swords of Ireland
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Thanks for entering!

    Very abstract, I liked it, very amazing!!!! in hte beginning I was a little drowned from the story, but in the long run, after I read past the beginning it was great, very nciely written!

    Damian


  • Missi
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was amazing, I really enjoyed this and I found it very very very interesting. This was very look but you got me hooked into it.
    Your descriptions were amazing aswell.
    Thank you for entering and good luck

    Missi


  • WhatALovelyDay silver member
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, I guess I can't really say that this was anything short of amazing You kept me interested the ENTIRE time.... and your descriptions are just heavenly. I was too engrossed in the story to pinpoint any grammar or spelling errors, sorry O.O
    I can't exactly say this was heartwrenching, because I wasn't empathizing with the people being killed, it was in the point of view of the person killing. It's still awesome though, and it's still a finalist


  • magicmonster00M
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Okay. You start with a hundred points.

    In paragraph eight, you capitalized the word eight and clock, which was wrong. So those are two grammar mistakes, which means you have 90 points now, since grammar mistakes were -5 points each.

    In paragraph nine, "The flesh around his eyes was a basset hound’s, mournful and sagging, but the eyes themselves were dangerously vivid, the gaze sharp and gleaming like a fang." there is grammar error, due to bad phrasing. To prevent that you should rephrase it like this, "The flesh around his eyes was like a basset hound's: mournful and sagging..." That is another grammar error, so now you have 85 points.

    In paragraph 24, the word, "mezzopiano" should be, "mezzo piano" since it is two words. That is a spelling error, so now you have 75 points.

    In paragraph 24, "vibrance" should be "vibrancy". That was a grammar mistake, so now you have 70 points.

    In paragraph 32, "crepital" that is not a word...So that is -10 points for a spelling error. Now you have 60 points.

    Those are all the mistakes I can find.

     

    MagicMonster00M: Good luck in the contest. 

     

     

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • The Vertigo Effect
    May 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm not to sure what choice you picked because you didn't put it in your notes but thats okay i'm guessing its horror?
    It's not something i would usually read but was happy with the way it turned out
    I got confused in some parts but i think that was just my read leveling
    Very nicely put together
    Thank you for entering my contest
    And good luck :]

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • -Hidden-
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    First sentence doesn't flow very well... can I suggest you add a period at the comma and create a new sentence OR stick a semi-colon in there (to state your intentions of sticking two separate subjects together)

    'snuck' isn't actually a word,
    'untill it sneaked its way' is grammatically correct.

    'The sun seemed intent to touch...' - this sentence seems a bit awkward and I'm not so sure about your use of hyphen.
    'The sun seemed intent to touch everything it could: from the tiniest townhomes (passive voice is less effective) sitting on the edge of the city limits, to the quintly average houses that infested suburbia, to downtown: the steel and glass so tightly groped by the light that the buildings like like javelins of fire'

    This is a huge sentence and changing the syntax makes it easier for the reader to comprehend it. Also, experimenting with punctuation helps to make it flow a bit bertter. In this case, using a colon makes the 'list' a flow a lot better.

    **In general I think, while you have an impressive vocabulary it is not suited to this piece of writing to expend all your understanding of the English language!
    Also, the tone of the piece changes between a high intellect to average very quickly when you use 'big words', then revert to 'The view was quite good'. Try to keep the tone of your language consistant.

    **Have a look at your sentence structure. You use very long sentences! Whilst it takes skill to craft them so that they read well (and there are plenty of examples of this in your writing), when a reader has to struggle through many, many of the long winded sentences reading becomes a struggle. Try shortening sentences or playing around with the syntax. Start your sentences with adjectives, mix things up a bit and keep the reader's interest by forcing them to be interested in descriptions!

    'As slicked** with oil', I think you mean

    Okay, to be honest, I didn't make it all the way through your writing. Whilst it is written very descriptively, making extraordinary use of figurative language, your rising action is way too far into the piece. Your reader really doesn't have a reason to keep reading the description if there is no substance.
    Perhaps you could fix this by moving some of the less important description to the middle of the piece.
    I was once told something very important: never add more detail that you need and always have a purpose for everything. Don't add a rock unless your character is going to trip over it!

    So, I think the moral of the story (not literally speaking) is to go easier on the descriptive language and reach your sequence of events or rising action much quicker.
    Talented, though. Keep it up and always strive to re-write and draft your writing. You can only get better and with natural talent there are wide possibilities for you.


  • Ghost of a Siren
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have to say, I absolutely adore the detail in this piece. and the language is superb. Excellent story, I could picture everything so vividly.

  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    This was an incredible story. Full of impeccable descriptions and metaphor. You choose your words so carefully and bring forth remarkable mental imagery, which it takes the reader to another place. That just shows how well thought-out and carefully designed the story was. I respected how it ended. I honestly didn’t really see it. You sometimes ‘over use’ your commas. Even thought they are technically warranted in some cases, the pause that they automatically create in a reader is unnecessary. And in some places, you should use a semi-colon instead of the comma.

    You did startlingly well with this. A spot on talent. I enjoyed it though to the end. ~D


  • J.R. Coleman
    May 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    INCREDIBLE! I loved and really enjoyed reading this. Well done.

    xoxo julia


  • ForestFaery
    May 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wonderful

    i love your choice of words it was enchanting all the way through i am soooo glad you enetered this in my contest! BRAVO!!!!


  • huntinger
    May 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I can't believe this has only been commented once. I really was transfixed throughout. You have an extremely well developed and interesting carachter, I would like to know what all the devastation was about was he involved? He has almost a God like quality, stood looking down over his domain and conducting it the way he wants. More!

  • dreamshell
    April 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome, you put this up here, too. This is a great piece, with fantastic visuals, details, and a great insight of musical knowledge. Dude, you have no idea how much I admire the ability you've shown in this story. EVERYTHING is described so incredibly. "Death knell heart attack of an empire" should be on a goddamn plaque somewhere, or sung out of the mouth of that fruitcake Johnny Whitney. =D

    --dreamshell--

1 - 83 of 83