It isn't happening. This. Isn't happening. You'd think as a teenager the worst possible words that can spill out of someone's mouth are, "I think we should breakup," or, "We're moving," or maybe even, "You didn't make the cut." But no, this was so much worse. So much more than my naive mind could imagine. More than I could even handle. Three words. Three brain shattering, nerve twitching, heart stopping words. "You're going blind."1
Blind? Me? Captain of the varsity cheerleading team? Girlfriend of the most lusted after and befriended football jock of the school? Honor Society Member? It couldn't happen. Never. This wasn't real. I was sleeping and having a nightmare. I told myself that everyday. It dawned on me so fast, too fast. Much too soon. Fifteen year old, me. I saw my name flashing golden in lights. Now i see my name half flashing with a few blinking, dying bulbs and yellow sparks flying from it. This was absurd.2
It started out as no big deal. Of course, nothing is really a big deal. I could just get some new contacts, maybe change my prescription. That's what the doctors said. I hate doctors. My mom bought me new contacts, but it didn't work. Afraid, i pretended as though i could see so much better with them on. But when crashing into people and tripping became an everyday situation, my mom knew something was off. Something more than just getting new glasses or contacts. That's when she brought me to the Eye Doctor. He gave me a series of tests and prescriptions and things to look at through teeny microscopes. Nothing. I couldn't see anything.3
"Im afraid theres some bad news."He began, smothering his hands together as if they were covered in lotion or something. I watched his Adams apple move as he swallowed, "It seems that the disease cataracts has occurred in your family more than once. Is that right Mrs. Moore?"he said to my mother. 4
Her eyes were tearing. "Yes. My grandmother had it and my brother had a less severe case. Is that what Rylee has? Is it?"Her hand was clenched with the other.5
All I can remember is the drive home. The agonizing, quiet ride home. My mom couldn't look at me and when she did she had to pull over. I sat staring out the window at all the quickly moving blurry objects flying by. I could only think, "this may be the last time I see the world." So i took in every detail, every line, every strange bit of nature I could. Then i turned to my mom and we stared at each other for a good long time.
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A contest entry
- don't stop now ... [♥] by moon road.
450 points, ended May 13, 41 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Starting Ideas Please! by Sekhmet Kitty.
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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awww, that had me tearing up. Very realistic.
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Do you have any experence with vision loss or low-vision/blindness because if you don't descriptions (visual) are going to be extrememly diffecult for this.
Can you describe needle like pains as eyes try to struggle to read something that is beyond there capasity?
Or trying to see faces but being being able to see eyes that only appear as hollowed shadowed indentations against a nose that is barelly identafiable and lips that's movement can not be seen but simply heard?
Walking through a crowd where everyone looks the same? Not being able to tell one person from another unless they are wearing drasticly different clothing?
Or tuning ones ears to listen for the movements of cars in order to know when it is safe to cross the street?
I'm just warning you that descriptions could get very tricky for this, take it from someone born blind who gained enough sight to pass as 'normal' This could get tricky.
As was pointed out earlier cateracs are treatable these days. They can use minor surgeries to repair the lens of the eye that's why its getting more and more rare in developed nations.
You could have a good start to something, I just thought I'd give you a heads up.
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I thought it was very effective to use an informal tone and style of narration - it got a sense of the character speaking across.
One thing snagged me. Cataracts tend to be treatable by surgery. Did the character have monetary issues that kept the family from seeing a surgical treatment? What's really crippling for eyesight is glaucoma which is harder to treat, if I recall correctly.
I felt that sometimes the narration could be focused a little more - be more direct. For example, instead of saying:
"Im afraid theres some bad news."He began, smothering his hands together as if they were covered in lotion or something.
It might be more direct (and more real for the readers) to say:
"I'm afraid there are some bad news," he said, smothering his hands together as if they were covered in lotion.
I know, it's a small thing like those typos, but I think if applied to most of the piece, it would make it stronger. Still, just my opinion.
Overall, I'm glad I had a chance to read this - depicts a horrible situation, and a poignant ending to sight. Touching and emotive.
Cheers for the read and good luck writing!
Nocturne. Rewarded 8
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Brilliant evocation of emotions. This is so well written and emotional. You draw the reader in and keep them engrossed from the very beginning. I would like to see more of this piece.
. Rewarded 4
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wow you really drew me in this was a really intense story. I would love to read more of your work
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Wow...you had me fromt he beginning!
I loved it and I would love to see more of your work!
Great job!. Rewarded 4
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Wow - intense stuff ... this actually made me sit and stare at the screen. They way you reacted to the news made the reader see how much you would lose - well done.
And the ending was kind of intriguing .... blindness is one of the worst fates ever ...especially for the person you describe in the story. Well doen again.
. Rewarded 6
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This was brilliantly written and very moving. It is probably one of the worst things that could happen to someone as I think most of us probably just take our sight for granted but it would be such a different experience to live without it. I hope that you carry this story on and tell us more about what will happen with the character's life, I would love to read more of it. Well done!
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That had me tearing up just thinking of if that were to happen to me. But i was wondering, "Of course nothing is really a big deal" did you mean for teenagers in general or for her in this sitaution nothing else matters? But i really liked it and i think if you decide to add more it will be a very interesting story!
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oh wow that is really sad. i don't know what i would do if i went blind. never to see trees, water, snow, stars, or anything ever again. i don't think i could live having to give up everything i love. this mini-story could really become an awsome longer one if you decide to add to it. good write
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This seems to be a good beginning to a longer story. You might want to continue this. Unless you are writing directly from personal experience you may want to do some reasearch, reading about blindness and talking with a blind person. I have some minor grammatical suggestions: Paragraph 3, Eye Doctor should not be capitalized. Paragraph 4,"Im" needs and apostrophe. "Theres" needs an apostrophe. "Adams apple" needs an apostrophe. Paragraph 5, there is a space missing between sentences.
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omg
that was really sad and I am going to cry.... whaaaa! -
Great details, very realistic, you caught my attention immediately! Amazing story, simply magnificent! It would be great to see what happens next and how she copes with everything now that she knows she's going blind. Do you know, roundabouts, what's going to happen next?
Good Luck!
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this story is so realistic, i can't wait for more...
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Awesme
Great details...very realistic...you caught my attention and I'd love to find out more....
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I just had to read it again right after I read it the first time.lol.
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This one is really good! I love it!
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Dude, radicle write, very touching.
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It is a touching story. It must be hard to cope when someone becomes blind after we can see things. It is horrible to lose one of sixth sense. Humans have sixth sense to enjoy life. I would like to learn more about the disease. What kind of disease that can make a person blind? THe ending remind me that we should enjoy every momment that we can have in our life because we never know what happen next. Life is short and is unpredictable.
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Hm...oddity that she's only fifteen, yet still VARSITY captain of cheerleaders,,,that position is only reserved for varsity students (12th graders only, normally)...
"Her hand was clutched.5" doesn't really make sense...hands ca only be clutched by other hands/grasping objects...you could say "her hands were clenched".
Wow...I use glasses, but can't begin to tell how she must feel...
Very good write.
HT
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good
The writing is good and I fely that I was there with story because I think that I was with the writer. The creativity is fine. I would rank this good. -
Oh noooooo... This is so upsetting! It was well written, yeah, great and everything but that's so scary. I just want to hug someone. I spend my time looking at things. It's my favourite thing to do, just stare. Stare into something simple, or stare into something complicated, doesn't matter... my eyes love to explore, look around... and then I just thoght about how it would be without seeing. Or having to go what she went through "this may be the last time I see the world." . It reminded me of this one time, when there was an Earthquake near by. Nothing major but big enough to be on the news, and I was quite a while of drive away from it, but I could feel it in my sleep. I dreamed about it as it was happening (the Earthquake happend at night), and I got stuck under a collapsed building. I was sitting there on my own and I knew that the boy that was with me was dead. It was so dark, it was literally pitch black. All I could hear was water falling ( I live by the sea, so not only I had a dream about an Earthquake but also a massive wave ) into the remains of the room that I was in. I asked myself in the dream "If I died today, would I be satisfied with my life and the way it was?" then I wondered what the date was, since I thought it would be pretty cool to know the date of my own death and I searched for my phone. That's when I woke up, took my phone, looked at the date and then I realized... hey, it was only a dream, I was all like phew. God that's a long and useless comment lol, but your story was really good!
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This is a tragic tale.
It would be very hard to cope with becoming blind. Probably easier to be born blind than to lose one's sight after having had it. Also, to lose one's sight as a teenager, that would be especially hard. Seemed to be written pretty well. Are you going to continue this story?
Welcome to Storywrite. Thanks for joining the new members group.
Andy
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ZO MAI GAWD THAT IS SCARY O.O I would be absolutely devastated if I went blind I really like the beginning part, where she's talking about the horrible words- that part really drew me in. Great job
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awwws. this is such a sweet story. i mean, not sweet, but sweet with a sad, melancholy feeling to it. im sorry that this girl is going blind. and with everything going for her too.
this is really good and I honestly can't wait to see what happens next to this girl. please continue soon! -
Oh wow. This is really, really touching and well-written. I'll get the negatives out of the way - the word is "naive". (:
Anyway, does this story have any basis on reality? It's extremely depressing. I want to read more, to see (hah, what irony) what happened after you became blind.
-Keasbey
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