1
Kal and Kai, two boys from the underground nation of Tetsudo leave home to explore the ancient tower of Duraidaskdei that stands some distance from their hometown. There they behold a stunning vista of darkness from a high balcony. Kal sees a ghostly figure which vanishes before Kai can see it, before a dark creature lunges at Kai. The creature is shot as it jumps at Kai by a man who refuses to reveal his name, calling himself Cypher. The man claims to be an academic researching the tower and, when Kal tells of the ghost he saw, persuades the boys to accompany him to his university in the city of Equinox in the West Divide. The three journey to Puerto Rojo, a seaside town, from where they catch a ferry with Alvaro, an acquaintance of Cypher’s. Whilst they are on board, the ferry is besieged by a swarm of the same dark creatures seen in the tower, that Cypher says are called Ethereals, but, with the group cornered, all vanish. Later that night Kai is visited by a man who introduces himself as Meticulous, the Golden Wizard. In the morning, Meticulous is gone, but Kai is convinced the visit was not a dream.2
The group, minus Alvaro who goes his own way, disembarks the ferry in Vratislok, finding a crisis. The town has been attacked by a mysterious figure conjuring flames by the name of Eldrous. Wanting to escape the scene as quickly as possible, Cypher hurries the boys onto a train bound for the east coast. Kai has a dream on the train that includes Meticulous talking with someone called Vordous. The night after leaving the train, in a hotel on the east coast, Kai wakes and walks in a trance out into a forest, where he finds the same Eldrous that attacked Vratislok. Eldrous hurls flames at him and Ethereals appear all around as Kai loses conciousness, waking being carried back to his room by Alvaro, who tells him to keep everything he has seen a secret from the others.3
The next day, the group arrive in Equinox, being shown to rooms near the University. At night, Meticulous visits Kai once again, this time telling him more. On the balcony in Duraidaskdei, he became the host of a spirit, a Magic, by the name of Vordous, giving him the power to control shadows. Indeed, the Ethereals had only ever appeared because Kai himself had unknowingly summoned them. Meticulous then claims that, to avoid becoming an insane Chaos Magus as Eldrous had become he must train to prepare a ‘control’ to contain the magic within him. As a way of rewarding him for working hard at this, Meticulous creates an artificial world in which Kai can create anything he wants, except life, and relax. Here, he meets Santi, a very eloquent boy of his own age whom he later discovers is host of a Magic himself, of Sorious, the Magic of Knowledge. However, Sorious and Santi are keeping their true intentions secret from Kai.4
Before long, Eldrous appears in Equinox and Kai is forced to face him, using his powers but finding himself unable to land the final blow until, after being knocked aside, his opponent is gunned down by local soldiers rushing to the scene. Awaking in hospital, Kai rushes to the artificial world, where he discovers Sorious’s plan. Many other Magics are gathered there, rebelling against Meticulous and imprisoning him before rallying to attempt to kill Dendrous, the Magic with power over the people. Stumbling out of the artificial world, Kai finds Kal and declares that they should return home.5
Author notes
Sorry if this is a bit rubbish, it's hastily written for the contest and I found it hard to summarise the story without throwing in lots of incomprehensible names and terms. It's also part 1 of 3 stories, which is why it ends somewhat abruptly.
A contest entry
- Novels and Chaptered Works by tallblondie.
1050 points, ended September 19, 41 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Thank you for your entry in the contest Novels and Chaptered Works. Following is the review for your novel 'Darkest Ursrai':
[1] Grammar, spelling and punctuation:
This chapter submission read very well - I saw no glaring issues with the grammar of the piece, nor did I notice any particular spelling/punctuation errors. Overall, very well written.
[2] Word usage:
I found the chapter to be well 'fleshed-out' with excellent descriptions - I felt like I could see everything as it happened as well as the setting. The language also fit the piece - I also enjoyed the addition of the article on filtered perception - I could understand how it fit with plot.
[3] Style and continuity:
Your style seems to rely on fairly complex descriptions, but I feel that this helped the flow of the story rather than hindered it.
[4] Story components:
Some good characters introduced. There appears to be a good blend of internal and external conflict - you have the character's quest to discover these Ethereals, as well as the interactions he has with other characters on the journey. The setting/scenes of this piece contribute a good atmosphere to the piece. The chapter had fairly good flow - it started off a little slow, but ended strongly.
[5] Literary value:
I found the piece easy to read - primarily because the characters were real and I found it easy to enter the scene and really 'see' everything that you described. Original premise - that there are beings that exist outside of character's perception.

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You know what's great about this?
...
Everything.
I can't wait to read it! Wow.




