The Best Friends Test

"Mama"1

"Maamaa"2

"MaaaaaMaaaa" I could hear my daughter calling, but I was too weak to get up. I was beginning to realise that I really needed to get some help. But I was still in denial about my illness, this disease that had infested itself within me. It was just to unfair and to upsetting to think that my life could be taken away from me whilst i was so young. 22 years old. 22 years young. Already a mother myself of a beautiful girl, Olivia. She is just 4 years old, too young to understand what I am going through. 3

Everyone said I was stupid to have her when I fell pregnant just 17 years old. My family had high expectations of me to go to college and make something of my life. But over time they adjusted and now everyone thought the world of my precious little girl. She is just so cute, it is impossible to stay mad at her for more than a minute. With her olive skin and sparkling big brown eyes framed with the longest eyelashes, her gorgeous brown curls and cheeky little smile, she is my world.4

Somehow I am going to have to break it to her that Mama might not be around forever, that Mama might have to go and live up in the clouds. I'm sure she knows there is something wrong, she asks a lot of questions and I feel so guilty not telling her the whole truth. But I don't want to scare her, frighten her, upset her. So I keep holding off, promising myself I will do it tomorrow, when I feel stronger. But she asks me things, she is inquisitive, she wants to know why I have been sick for so long, why when she gets a sore tummy it only lasts a day. Why does Mama spend nearly everyday in bed?5

Mama has cancer and it's in my bones. I was diagnosed 5 months ago and started treatment. I had chemotherapy and radiotherapy intensively for 3 months. It didn't go away. The tumours grew instead of shrinking and the doctors sat me down with my parents and explained there wasn't much more they could do. They scanned my full body and found tumours in my legs, my hips, my spine. I was infested with them and they were taking over me. I tried so hard to fight against it and not let Olivia see how sick I was, but for the last 2 weeks now I have been bed-bound almost everyday. She knows there is something very wrong, Mama has never been like this.6

In my own way, I have tried to accept that my future is very uncertain; I know that one day very soon I will have to sit my innocent beautiful baby down and explain it to her. Some days I wish so much I still had Summer in my life. She always knew the right things to say. 7

For almost a year now we haven't seen each other and it hurts so bad. She was my best friend since the age of 4 when we were in pre-school together. We shared laughs and tears, we stayed at each others houses, we told each other all our secrets. She was the first person I told when I thought I might be pregnant. In fact, it was her that bought me the test. She sat with me in my bathroom and held my hand and dried my tears when it was positive. She held me as I cried and was there with me when I broke the news to my parents. But I had done one thing that was very, very wrong. I did the absolute unthinkable. 8

I slept with her boyfriend.9

She had been dating Marc since she was 15, he was her first boyfriend and they got on brilliantly. I cannot say anything to excuse what I did, I can't say 'oh we fell in love' or anything like that, because it would be lies. I can't say I even liked him that much other than as a friend. My best friend's boyfriend. That's all he was to me. Then that stupid stupid night happened, the one I wish i could permanently erase from my mind. I won't go into huge details but if I said 'it just happened' that would sound even more wrong. So what did happen? 10

He came to see me one night and was really upset. I invited him into my parents home and made us both hot chocolate. He started telling me he had found e-mails to Summer, from a guy who was in our school year - Jason. Jason was the guy that all the girls wanted. He was captain of the football team, he was rich, he drove a convertible, he had a huge house and threw the biggest parties. He was who every girl wanted to date. So, anyway, he found these e-mails that they had been sending each other and he had printed them off. He knew he shouldn't have looked at her private stuff, but he had done it now and couldn't change that. He asked me to read the e-mails and I have got to admit they didn't make Summer look very innocent. They had arranged meetings, they were flirting, everything pointed to Summer cheating on Marc. And that's when it happened, that stupid stupid moment. I lent down to cuddle him to say everything would be OK, that there must be an explanation, I knew she loved him. Suddenly he looked up just at that moment, yes 'that' moment and we kissed. It wasn't passionate, it wasn't meaningful, it was like a comfort kiss. That led to more. A mistake happened which we both instantly regretted and we swore to each other we would never let Summer find out.11

So, there I was about 2 months later, Summer and Marc had sorted everything out. It had all been a misunderstanding and she had been helping Jason's younger sister out with a school project. His sister had used Jason's e-mail address and that's what all the meetings were about. Once you knew that, all the rest of the messages sent and received made sense. So, anyway to get back to the point, it was 2 months since that terrible event happened and I felt really rough. And I convinced myself more and more, day by day, that I was pregnant. Summer sat next to me in the bathroom and said "Sweetie, its positive" and gave me the biggest hug ever. When I had calmed down enough she asked who the father was and that's when the lies started. I said it was someone I had met when I had stayed with my grandparents at the caravan site (the week after I had been with Marc) although I hadn't been with anyone then. No, the only person I had slept with - ever - was my best friend's boyfriend. And I hated myself for it.12

I tried to tell myself throughout the pregnancy that somehow she would never find out, that everything would be OK, and for the 1st year of Olivia's life it was. Summer never questioned Olivia's mixed skin tone, I am as white as snow with auburn hair and blue eyes. Marc is Afro-Caribbean. So Summer was part of our life as a constant fixture for those first 12 months, and then on Olivia's 1st birthday, we were all in the garden having a teddy bears picnic party. My dad was making everyone a BBQ and mum was fussing round Olivia trying to get her to open all her presents, when the doorbell rang. I thought it would be Summer. 13

It was Marc.14

I had never told Marc that Olivia was his, and he and Summer had continued their relationship. He had seen me out walking Olivia in her pushchair, but he never mentioned it and nor did I. And suddenly, there he was, for the first time since that terrible night he was standing in my hallway and I was alone with him.15

"Is she mine? I've got to know, I can't take this any longer" were the first words that came out his mouth. I couldn't lie. 16

"Yes she is" I said, looking at the floor.17

He asked if he could see her and I agreed, and they played in the sand in the garden for a short while. They actually looked really happy, Olivia was loving his company and the way he pulled silly faces to make her giggle. Then, before I knew it, Summer was here. I don't know how she pieced it together but lets just say this was the first time Marc had ever come to my house alone. I guess as Marc and I weren't particularly close something made her suspicious. Maybe it was watching them both play together, maybe something went off like a ticking time-bomb in her head, the skin tones, him here without her, me never saying the father's name. I don't know. But somehow she worked it out and ran out my house in tears.18

For a while she just avoided me, stopped calling and didn't return my calls. When I called her parents house I heard her mum's tone of voice change and she gave me lame excuses about Summer not being home, Summer being in bed, Summer always doing something which meant she couldn't speak to me. Then one day I got a letter and I knew it was serious. Summer hadn't written me a letter for years, not since we were kids, and even then when she did it was to tell me why we weren't best friends anymore. Our fall outs had never lasted more than a day, we would miss each other too much. 19

The letter said she was heartbroken. She had 'got the truth from Marc and knew Olivia was his'. She couldn't believe how either of us could betray her like that, especially me. She had grown to love Olivia so much and always hoped she could be her Aunty - but now it would be too painful to be around either me or Marc. She was going to go and live with her cousins and start college there. She would be 4 hours drive from me. She never wanted to see either of us again. Ever again.20

So that, in a nutshell, is how our friendship ended. How 14 years of sharing everything just stopped. 21

Now 3 years on, I have cancer. I haven't stopped missing Summer or thinking about her. But I never tried calling or getting in touch. I knew, I knew I had hurt her too bad. Marc has never been back to see Olivia either, in fact I have no idea where he is. 22

It is now when my future is so uncertain that I have time to think about it all. Over and over again. I keep wondering if she would want to know. Would she want to know I was dying? Yes, there I have said it. Dying. Or would she rather find out some time down the line when I am gone. Would she wish she had had the chance to say things to me? Would she even care about me now? After thinking about everything long and hard, day after day, I decided I had to find her. I had to tell her I wouldn't be around much longer. So I dragged myself out of bed and onto the computer and went to a social networking site that everyone used. Typing in her name I felt goose bumps run over my skin. When it displayed '1 exact match' I felt sick. I wrote a message which turned into a book about how sorry I was, how I wished I had told her right from the very start, how guilty I felt, how much I missed her. Then I erased it all.23

"Summer, I need to see you. It is really important. I know you said you never want to see me again but i have to see you one last time. I might only have one more time. Please come to my house or call me, I'm in the phonebook. I'm dying Summer."24

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Opening my e-mails I felt my heart leap into my stomach as I saw those words. I had a message and it was from her. Lucy Jenkins, my former best friend. The one who had betrayed me in the worst way a friend ever could. I wanted to delete it straightaway and I sat with my cursor over the delete button for minute after minute. Finally I hit the button. Delete.26

A week later I was back online and reading e-mails when I couldn't stop thinking about it. I opened up my trash can of deleted e-mails and saw those words staring back at me again. Lucy Jenkins. Lucy Jenkins. Lucy Jenkins. I clicked the message open.27

Dying? Dying? What did she mean? She couldn't be dying she was only 22. I bet this is some sick joke to try and get me to make contact. No. No way. I'm not falling for it.28


*************************29

Almost a month had passed since I sent that email and I still had no reply. No message and no phonecall. I had got weaker and weaker and was now in hospital. My parents had Olivia staying with them now and just before I came in, it was time to have the hardest conversation ever. 30

I had explained to Olivia that Mama was going to live in Heaven now, but she would be watching her everyday from the sky. So she had to be a good girl for Grandma and Papa but it was OK if she ever got sad, she could sit and look up at the sky and talk to me and know I was there. Or she could get a balloon and write a message on it for me and let it float up to me, I promised her I would catch it.31

I asked my mother to go online for me when she got home and gave her instructions of how to send a message. I had to give it one last shot. 32


***********************33

I had tried so hard to forget the email from Lucy but it played on my mind over and over. Lucy had never been one to lie, but then she lied and betrayed me in such a horrible way. How could I ever believe or trust her again? But would she really make something like that up? I thought over and over about what to do, whether to get in touch. Weeks passed and I still couldn't decide and that's when I got the second email. Lucy Jenkins was in my inbox again. I opened it. 34

"Dear Summer,35

I hope I am doing this right, I'm afraid I'm not very good with computers. This is Elizabeth Jenkins here, Lucy's mother. She asked me if I would email you and ask you to visit her. She is at the Five Hearts Hospital in Hamilton. I promised her I would say no more than that in this message but I feel I have to add something. We have all missed you terribly and I hope you will try and visit Lucy soon. We think soon is all she has.36

P.S. Olivia would love to see you again. She remembers you."37


So it was true then. Something was wrong with Lucy. But how dare she bring Olivia into this? Emotionally blackmailing me by making me feel that if I'm not doing it for Lucy then to do it for the child? Did she have any idea that I didn't think I would ever be able to look at Olivia again, that gorgeous baby I loved so much was how I saw her then. Now she was the child my best friend and my ex boyfriend had while they both cheated on me.38

But something made me go. 39


**********************40

I hadn't been fully conscious for days when Summer showed up. I was on high doses of morphine every hour and slept most of the time. I was too weak to do much else. Mum brought Olivia in to see me for one hour in the morning and one hour in the early evening. It was all I could manage to stay awake for. 41

When I saw Summer standing there in the doorway of my room I wondered what she must be thinking. I knew I looked bad, so pale and my lips badly cracked. I was really skinny as I could no longer eat. I wore an oxygen mask on my face and a drip in my arm. I no longer breathed silently but it was more of a crackle. But I was so glad to see her.42

She didn't say a word as she sat in the chair by my bed. She looked out of the window and I could see she was deep in thought. I wanted to break the ice but didn't know how. I moved the mask from my face and said, "I have cancer, bone cancer." I paused for a moment, not knowing what else to say, "I'm so glad you came."43

She stayed quiet for another few minutes before finally speaking. 44

"I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. I didn't know if I could come at all. I've never been able to forgive you for what you did I have to be honest Lucy. But I tried to forget about you and I couldn't. And much as I hate you for what you did to me, I wouldn't ever wish you to die." She was keeping her voice strong and steady. I was crying. "I still have this you know" she said, pulling out a necklace from her pocket. It was a heart charm. To be more exact it was half of a heart charm. We had bought them when we did our first paper round together when we were 13. She wore one half and I wore the other. Hers said 'Friends'. Mine said 'Forever'. Friends Forever.45

I asked her to go into my locker by my bed and get my make up bag. Inside it I told her to reach into the inner pocket. She pulled out my half. 46

I found more energy that afternoon that I had felt for a while. She kept asking me if I was OK to keep talking, that I looked exhausted. But I knew this would be my only chance. We talked for hours, and at first whenever I mentioned Olivia I saw the pain written all over her face. I could see her eyes looking at the photograph by my bed that was taken of Olivia and I on her 4th birthday. 47

Her visits became more frequent, something I didn't expect to happen, but each day she came to see me. Some days she just popped by and sat by my bed reading her book. Other days we had long conversations. But I was getting much weaker now and struggled to talk for long.48


***************************49


It was so hard seeing Lucy again. So many painful memories came flooding back. But she had always been my best friend. She had been in my life years longer than Marc, and I hadn't seen Marc since the 'truth' all came tumbling out. Three long years had passed, my pain had eased. I had dated other guys but still not found 'the one'. 50

The thing is I had missed Lucy, I missed the closeness of our friendship, and despite all the pain she had put me through I could still remember those good times. I could still remember us being best friends. I had always hoped that one day we would be able to resolve things, but I really truly didn't think I would ever be able to trust her again. So that was why I stayed away. That was one reason but there had been another which often ran through my mind. After I lost touch with both of them would they have got together? Would they have somehow fallen into each others arms again to play happy families for Olivia? I couldn't bear the thought of contacting Lucy and then finding that out. Marc and I had been perfect together and what they did devastated me, I had always dreamed that Marc and I would be together forever. But time had passed and it had healed and despite not knowing why 'that night' happened, I had came to the conclusion that it took two to tango, it wasn't just Lucy's fault. It was Marc's as well. The two closest people in my life. How could I ever let either of them get close to me again?51

But here I was, back in Lucy's life, and through some horribly cruel twist of fate, if I hadn't of come back now, then I would never have had the chance to learn the truth. During these last couple of weeks I had been visiting her, we had talked about everything. She took me back to the night it all happened and listening to every painful word she said I hated her. I hated hearing it all it was just too difficult. But I saw remorse, pain, guilt and regret in her emotions and I had to let it go. Lucy wouldn't change having Olivia for the world, Olivia was Lucy's world, that was the only good thing to come out of all of this. 52

For a long time I wanted them both to feel pain like I did. I wanted them to be punished. But now Lucy was facing the worst punishment of all and it was one she truly did not deserve. Life has some unfair ways of throwing things at you, and in the scale of a lifetime did it really matter that much what they had both done? Now when things were put into perspective, when Lucy's life was hanging in the balance, it didn't seem as awful. No, it was far more heartbreaking that just as we had finally made amends and enjoyed each other's laughs again, it really was going to come to an end. Except this time the end was final.53

When the day came just days later, the one that I knew would be the final farewell, I reached over her and gently placed a kiss on her forehead. She wasn't awake, but she managed to open her eyes when she felt my touch. She couldn't speak anymore but kept her eyes open long enough to watch me for a moment. I reached over to her locker and found 'Forever' and placed it around her neck. This was my only chance now and I to say what was on my mind. Taking a deep breath, I wrapped her fingers into my hand, "Lucy I forgive you and will always love you."54

Sitting in the chair by her bed, Lucy's hand in mind, I reached up and rubbed my fingers over my half of our hearts. As I touched it I could feel her squeeze my fingers. Tears gently fell down my cheeks. I wished it hadn't come to this, but I had to be strong. I had to accept this, the way Lucy had so admirably done. I hoped I might be able to find the strength to see Olivia again once Lucy was gone. I was sure there must be so much of Lucy in her little girl's personality.55

As these two hearts joined back together, somewhere not so far away, another friendship would be tested to breaking point. Summer smiled at Lucy's family through her tears, and ran over to be cuddled by her parents. The three of them held each other as they watched Lucy peacefully slip away.56