Cum Rain Or Shine (So far)

Cum rain or shine
 
http://www.my-nightstand.com/media/sensual_bondage_dream.jpg 

I waited outside the footpath of the library, waiting in the rain.1

My Brother's girlfriend had promised me that she was going to pick me up at lunch time. She gave me her word knowing very well that my parent would be out of town and I had no other way to get home. She promised me that she would be here on time, knowing very well that there was a storm heading out way.  2

Yet as I waisted outside in the hailing rain, the tears of disappointment falling from my eyes. I felt an anger burning through me like an infernal fire, ready to rip through an entire country.3

My clothes were completely soaked, my hair drenched sticking annoying to my face. My once plush jumper felt more like a sponge than a fashion must, and my socks felt sock inside my leather lace up shoes.4

I took my jumper of, throwing it on the ground beside my bag. Hating the feeling of it rubbing against my skin.5

At this rate I was going to catch pneumonia, and that was the last thing I needed before half yearly exams. After all this time I would kill anyone who stood in my way of finally succeeding in something I had spent the entire term studying for, all on my own.6

I looked across the car park, seeing a familiar black car pull into the staff only parks. The familiar sound of a croaking motor could be heard from around the corner, and it only infuriated me more.7

Pulling up across Two car parks, the door of the car open. My brothers girlfriend stepping out of the door, an umbrella in her hand.8

She smiled, putting the umbrella up, and walked over to wear I was standing. My arms crossed furiously over my chest.9

“Hay kiddo, what's up,” she asked friendly as if She could not tell I was about to slap the bitch fair in the face.10

“What does it look like,” I said though gritted teeth, the tears in my eyes being drowned out by the rain that was the only thing stopping me from throwing her to the ground and ripping her to shreds.11

“Yeah sorry about that, we had a dilemma back at home, I had to drop mum of at the airport and I forgot all about you, I am sorry.”12

Forgot about me. She fucking knew practically all week what the plan was. I had called her Two, even Three times a day making sure that she knew exactly what was happening, and all those times she had assured me that everything was set, and good to go.13

“Not half as sorry as I am,” I growled, grabbing my bag of the ground, walking towards the car.14

“Hay wait up,” she shouted, her footsteps splashing in the rain.15

Turning around I threw my bag across the footpath in anger, my fist clenched into a tight ball. My feet held close together.16

“What do you want now?” I asked, as she ran, stopping a few centimeters before me, her blouse now soaking and see though. Her hair, sticking to her breasts.17

“Don't you like the rain?” she asked me, her hand pushing me against the car.18

“Taken by surprise, I moved back, my nipples hardening with her provoking touch. 19

“Not right now I don't. I'm tired, frustrated, angry, and annoyed and all I want to do is go home and snuggle up in a warm blanket. You know? Maybe even sleep.” 20

She grinned, a wicked smile making her lips glisten in the rain.21

“Get in the back of the car,” she said, poking her finger through my pants.22

Hesitant, I jumped, thumping my hand into the glass window.23

“W...What do you mean?”24

Bewildered by my quite obvious statement she pressed harder into my pants, her fingernails digging beyond my open zipper.25

“I thought it was a pretty obvious statement, I thought you wanted this? Or was last weekend just a game to you? I thought it was my turn to play boss?” 26

Rigid I failed to obey her command. Remembering last weekend and how I had shown her what it felt like to be tied up to a bedpost and left to suffer, after numerous attempts at lesbian experimentation. I knew it was all fair, but this just did not seem like the right time to be under her submission, especially when the Two of us were soaked to the core, and shivering in the rain.27

“Yes I remember,” I stated, pushing her hands away from my pants.28

Violently she fondled my breast, cupping them tightly in her hands, as she pushed my thighs open with her knees.29

“Then I suggest if you don't want me to tell your brother about what you did to me, that you get into the backseat of the car, and won't say another word, or you will truly pay the price for your disobedience. Do I make myself clear?”30

Unrelentingly I stood, my pussy was soaked and aching. Aching with the need, and the hunger of her fingers driving and probing away the arousal she was stirring, as she pulled hard on my nipples, pulling them through my shirt.31

Moaning, I cried. As she pulled harder, and tighter; waiting for my response.32

“Mm...yes,” I whispered,holding my hands back, trying desperately not to tamper with her.33

“I said do I make myself clear bitch,” she asked again angrily. This time she was not taking silence for an answer.34

Suddenly out of nowhere I felt the firm, hot taste of of her backhanding me across the face. My cheeks burned, but were soon soothed by the rain. Her violence was indulging.35

Her sudden act of control sent me into a fevered fit of desires. Desires I had been meaning to take control of since last weekend, desires that I had kept hidden. My silent demand for submission. 36

It was starting to erupt inside me, with her every thrilling touch, and her cruel but intended impulsion to be the mistress in charge.37

“Yes,” I whimpered, seeing this as a much better option than standing outside in the rain, and a much better option than having my brother finding out that I had corrupted his girlfriend into this state of sadistic intentions.38

Letting go of my breast, she let them fall back into place, her hands ripping at my at my blouse. One after one my buttons popper beneath her carnal fingertips. Her teeth biting down on her lips immersed in her own private stimulation, as my breast were revealed to the open skies, and all the cars that passed us by.39

“I don't think I can trust you enough to know you won't run away from me,” she stated, reaching for something in her back pocket.40

Crying, I tried to move. My body in motion, her thighs colliding firmly against mine.41

“N...no, please don't,” I cried, as I watched her pull a black scarf out of her pocket. Her hand pressing mine painfully against the car.42


“You have left me no choice you rigid little bitch, now turn around, and bend over the hood now.”43

Tears swelled in my eyes. I wanted this so bad, I could feel my whole body erupting into a sense of helpless. Yet It did not feel like I had a say in this at all. I needed to feel what I had coming to me. I was a dirty bitch, her dirty bitch and I deserved everything that was coming for me.44

Unlike me though, she was taking this whole role to seriously. And I was lost in the moment. Completely lost in her grasp, depraved, thirsty for her domination.45

Sniveling I turned around, as she pushed me violently into onto the hood of the car.46

“Open your mouth,” She screamed, pulling my hair back, her tongue leading a delicious track down the lines of my neck.47

I cried with the pain, my head throbbing with the feeling that my hair was being torn out. I opened my mouth and she took the opportunity to tie the scarf around my face, gagging me softly, only a few tortured, muffled moans of aggression escaping48

“There we go, now you might actually shut up and listen to me,” she hissed, pulling me around to face her. The tears burning a river down my cheeks. “Oh stop your sniveling, it won't get you anywhere, you need to harden the fuck up baby, cause we are in for a very long drive., and I certainly do not want to have to listen to you whining the whole way there”49

Nodding, knowing the rules of domination, I tried my hardest to stop the tears. Not wanting to disobey her to early into the session.50

“Good, get in the car,” she demanded, opening the back car door.51

Sliding into the seat, She slammed the car door behind me.52

I watched as she walked around to the drivers side of the car, flinging open the door.53

“You know, I have a way better time with you, than I ever do when I am with your brother,” she snickered, sliding into the car seat. Adjusting her mirrors so she could see me perfectly, as I put my seat belt on. “now Buckle up kiddo, your in for one hell of a ride.”54

I did as I was told, sitting back calmly in the seat. My heart beating loudly in my throat. My cold, bare breast being rubbed against the friction of the rough, leather seat-belt. I looked outside the window, as the rain began to hail ice like stones. Outside, blowing across the car park, my blouse floated away out onto the road.55

* * *
The car pulled up, just outside what looked to be a farm, or now as it seemed, the remains of one.56

I looked out the window, watching as the dark clouds hung like fog, murky and gloomy, as the rain continued to pour down in buckets, and the thunder roared like a wild beast, teaming the land before us.57

The trip had been a silent one.58

I had not dared open my mouth. I was not even going to dare unless spoken to. God was on my side this time, though inside I wanted her to say something, instigate me, play me tease me, whatever she had to do to get a reaction, for I knew that for every word I spoke,a consequence of pleasure would follow.59

Stepping out of the car, and onto the dusty dirt track. She kicked up a storm of her own walking towards my door, as she swung it open, leaning forward; Grinning from ear to ear.60

“Well come on Kiddo don't just sit there, come on and get your ass out of there.”

 61

For a moment, I sat in silence, breathing in the misty rain, the smell so sweet it was enough to send me into a state of blissful tranquility, by the sheer dampness of my panties was starting to drive me insane, and with her every word the temptation to disobey tormented me, stroking my senses. Making me beg for more than this.62

Sliding out of the car, I stood beside her. 63

The tears of pain were long gone, my face was sticky, and still my hair draped my face, leaving an agitated edge on my current state of obedience.64

Step by step we walked, side by side. Only this time there was the chilling sound of humming in the grass. A sound that if you listened close enough it sounded almost like a warning of what was yet to come.65

We stopped short, just outside a barb wired fence. Her hand gripping mine.66

In the middle of the paddock, a few feet out north. I could make out the lines of a large x standing alone. Nothing surrounding it, it just stood alone. Firmly, frightening me to the core.67

“Are you ready?” she asked me, pushing the wire down with her foot, before climbing over the barb wire fence.68

Nodding, I followed her. Slowly making my way behind her towards the large x that stood before us.69

“Good girl,” she laughed,hauling directly in front of the cross.70

Startlingly she turned around, raising her hand in the air, and pulled on the bottom of her shirt, lifting it up high above her head.71

I watched her, paying attention to the way she so seductively made her point clear. She was boss, no one would outsmart her. She would be the one calling the shots, and this seduction was all in her plan to make me scream for her attention, and beg for her to never stop.72

Now that we were closer to the large x. I noticed that it was encased in chains and cuffs. It was made from leather and steel that seemed to glimmer in the light from the car that she had left on. Our only light in this seemingly dark, and morbid day. It was just the right weather for our mood.73

I dared not move forward, but I desperately motioned towards the Large X, as she moved aside pushing me onto its platform. 74

“From now on you will call me mistress, I will call you slave, I will call you whatever the fuck I want to, and I will do whatever the fuck I want; as you will do whatever the fuck I want you to do. Nod if I make myself clear.”75

I nodded, as she forced me up against X, placing my wrist inside the first of the four restraints.76

The rain trickled down my body, making it hard to slip so easily into the cuffs. I flinched, s a piece of skin got caught on the side of the leather , and pinched my skin painfully.77

I let out a cry of pain, as I jolted to the side. My wrist being now safely, but painfully inside the restraint.78

Almost as if to show her love, she brushed my hair out of my face, and least forward kissing my wrist.79

“You okay,” she asked, her tone still deep, but I could sense that she cared deep down inside what really happened to me.80

Nodding, I waited for her next move. I had to get used to the pain to feel the pleasure, and used to the pleasure to enjoy the pain.81

“Alright, well from now on we are going to use a safe word; you can only use it when you are really are in pain, and you feel that it might be to dangerous, I don't mean just simple pain, I mean when the pain feels dangerous to you, then and only then will you scream the safe word, and I will stop to inspect your wounds. The safe word is bridges.”82

I felt her hands behind my head, she was undoing the scarf gag she had around my mouth. 83

Was she willing to set me free? was I free to scream? was I free to beg her to start? To stop?84

“If I stop, and inspect your wounds and I see that they aren't all that bad I will punish you, but I want you to know that you are safe, and that I would never go as far as killing you, aright. Nod if you understand me.”85

I nodded, watching her for her reaction upon my reply.86

“Good slut,” she said, grabbing hold of my right wrist, as she dragged it seductively with hers up the lines of the cross, sliding it into the restraint. “How do you feel my little whore?”87

I stood silent, shivering as she unmercifully dragged her teeth down the lines of my neck.88

“Speak,” she yelled, causing me to jump in the air, almost loosing my balance on the stand.89

Although I was handcuffed to the device, my feet felt slippery underneath me, I felt like at any given second I could loose my grip and topple over, though I knew this would never be the case, as she was already on her hands and knees restraining my ankles tightly. Spreading my legs wide apart, spreading them wide like an eagle. Ready to soar into the promised land.90

“Wet, and sore,” I whimpered, as she stood to her feet. Her hands gripping the hips of my pants.91

With one swift move, she pulled them down to my feet. Gilding her hand enticingly up my inner thighs. forcefully she played with my pantie line. Her soft fingers crawling like an insect all around, seeping underneath the drenched, see though fabric. Hasty, without any sign or warning, she stuck one finger sharply into the core of my pussy, rotating it around, as she used her other hand to groping my ass.92

“Come on you have to do better than that of you want this inside of you,” she said, pushing something hard against the rim of my ass.93

I tried to turn my head, but she held it against the cross in such an agonizing fashion. Depriving me of the chance to see it, but knowing with such a compulsion, such an insatiable desire what I needed her to do with it, how I needed her to punish me, make me pay. I needed it. I needed to scream.94

Where the fuck did she get it from?95

“How do you feel slut?” she said digging her nails into my back.96

Withering under her painfully, erotic touch. I screamed, longing for her to grip my shoulder tightly and thrust her long , hard cock into my succulent, sappy pussy.97

“Horny,” I screamed, “I feel horny.”98

“Good girl,” she hissed, sliding the cock a little into the rim of my hole. The rain was a lubricant, but a rough one at that.99

The feeling was insatiable, the taste for her was becoming stronger, as I gripped my own fingers tightly around the edge of the x. My teeth sinking deeply into my lips.100

“Tell me your a dirty horny slut for my use, and my use only.”101

Eagerly I obeyed, as she stood still. Not pressing an inch more of her cock inside my ass. Aching in sense of delirium. The thunder booming loudly, the lightly crashing to the ground, sending sparks everywhere.102

“I'm a dirty little slut for your use mistress” I cried.103

Pulling my hair back, she kissed me hard on the lips, tasting the fresh hint of rain upon my lips. Impaling the cock a little further into the crack on my ass, and beyond.104

“No let me pain you a picture my love,” she whispered, breathing her heated, sensual breath against my ear. “ We are surrounded my houses, many old and new, there are many people in these house. Children, adults, teenagers like you. All of them enjoying a nice quiet evening at home; now doesn't that sound a bit dull to you?”105

Nodding I felt the full on impact as she slid the cock as far as it would go, pushing the boundaries. 106

“Yes mistress,” I answered, as I felt it moving inside of me, and let out a soft moan against my better judgment.107

“Yes what” she asked, ramming it in and out of my tight as slowly, in an anguishing fashion.108

“Yes mistress, Yes yes yes” I whined, feeling her hands wrapping around my breast, and something sharp, quick and painful being attached to my nipples. I felt the cold, steel pressing and tearing the skin of my nipples, and looked down to see two Japanese clamps attached to both of them, dangling and causing my nipples to drag.109

“Did you moan? Did I hear you moan slut? You better not have just moaned.”110

I stopped moaning, quietly pondering the biggest mistake I had just made. The clamps around my nipples made me ache as they tore into my soft skin.111

“Answer me bitch, “ she said thrusting harder and harder into me, probing my ass with every ouch of strength that she had.112

“Stop,” I begged “Please stop it it hurts.”113

“ SILENCE,” she screamed.114

Forcefully putting pressure on the clamps, pulling furiously on the chain that held them in place. An immediate shock wave of pain shot through my nipples, creating such an intense release of torment, and a larger amount of cream, that dripped down my leg.115

Jerking I tried my best to keep my mouth shut. While the pain etched at me like a carving knife, tugging and pulling alarmingly at my broken skin. She had ordered me to be silent, but I could not,constant screams and whimpers tearing through me, I had never experience this kind of pain.116

Up in the sky, the rain was fading away, almost at a halt. Suddenly a large bolt of lightening hit the ground, not to far from were the X was situated.117

Slightly disturbed she stopped thrusting her cock into my ass as watched, as a small fire erupted in the grass.118

Panic immediately swept through the both of us. While at first the flames lapped slightly at the grass, until it fumed and burned wildly with the wind, heading in our direction.119

This was not the plan. How could this day have gone so wrong? I knew that this would not make her happy, but I wondered, if she would still continue, despite this sudden alarm of danger.120

Pulling out, I felt her hands unclasping the cuffs. My wrist being freed. It felt strange at first. Now feeling so used to the leather cutting into my skin. Now to have them free, and being able to move felt rather exhilarating, and slightly frightening.121

One by one, she unclasped the cuffs, placing her hands tightly around my waist.122

“Not a word, do you hear me?” she said, picking me up, raising me high into the air. Holding me over her shoulder.123

I nodded, deathly afraid. The panic had left my body frozen. Although now being finally free from the X stand, my whole body ached to be soothed my the tender touch of a massage, and the warm hot craving for a hot bath was now burning though my body like the flames in the paddock.124

I never knew she could be so strong, Though she was, as she ran as carefully, and as quickly as she could across the paddock, trying to escape the flames that had reached the X.125

Shuddering, I watched in awe. My skin being torn, as she bounced me up and down. Lowering me over the bard wire fence.126

I pulled up my panties, and my pants. Feelingly slightly ashamed that I had let myself be exposed to her. How I had let her violate me in such a demanding sense of tempestuous desires.127

“Get in the car,” she yelled, pulling her skirt down, as she herself climber over the barb wire fence. Running towards the car.128

I did as she obeyed, opening the car door as fast as I could, sliding myself onto the warm leather seats. Sinking back so comfortably. My eyes closing, as I eased into the seats.129

Starting the engine, she reversed back out onto the road, her eyes never looking back at the fire, as she drove, and kept driving.130

The ride home was silent, all but the sound of a static radio playing an old eighties song I remembered from my mothers birthday party. 131

The day I had met her, the day my brother had introduced her to me. I had known that day that something would happen between us. Yet at that stage all I was looking for was a friend, not a mistress, and certainly not a girlfriend.132

Was she my girlfriend?133

She continued to drive, as I sat half naked and shivering. My nose watering. My eyes were blood-shot, pain filled my whole body; but I had enjoyed every minute of her domination, every word, every thrust of trust. She had been so good to me. I had been given what I deserved. Yet in the end, I expected her to throttle me in pain, I expected more. 134

For in the end I had so clearly disobeyed her orders and such blatant disobedience needed to be taken care of. I had not shown my mistress the respect she had deserved. I called upon her in silence; hoping for another chance, praying for another chance of her impassioned act of love.135

Turning the heater up, I felt the warm comfort of the air lapping at my body. Surrounding me in a slightly toasty feeling. The feeling of slight contentment.136

I looked out the window, seeing her pulling into my driveway. The gravely rocks flying up into the sky. The sound all so comforting.137

Leaning back she sighed. Swinging her head around to face me her frown disappeared to an almost brutal grin. Her fingers moved towards my wrist, her fingertips titillating my senses as her hot body caused mine to tingle.138

“What now?” I asked, for once just wanting to know exactly were we stood, no surprises. I knew that if there was a slight chance my parents could come home she would not do anything else to me that night.139

“What now Slut? What now? Right now I want you to go inside and clean yourself up kiddo, I am not done with you yet.”140

* * *

 141

Author notes

Okay K.M

I did beat 2500 words ^.^... But I am guessing no special clappys since I have not yet finished... (I will need to make a small after part or Part Two) simply because I could not write any more. Unless I stopped and broke it up..I'm weird with numbers.

Though in saying that people who are reading it could consider it a stand alone... I will try use up the rest of the requests...On demand.

Blair~

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If you read..Please comment.. honest feedback !!

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • enchantress
    October 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Holy cows this is great. will they get to finish what was started and will the brother/bf find out. this is a must read Blair great job

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lonesome Dove
    September 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    OMG

    That has left me hot, hot, hot and wanting more!!! Though I have never experienced bondage, after reading this.. hhmmm. I felt the thrill, the pain... omg your description is fantastic. I can't wait to read more. Fabulous job!! I am a fan.


  • Nikki Rowles
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it but I did notice that some words where put in the wrong places, but nothing big...I still got the story....violent people...lol...but I liked it any way....lol...


  • Bottom-End-Kid
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    woah!

    That was absolutely amazing! it was so hot and arousing yet the set up and descriptors were also written really well!! the fact that it was two girls aswell that was awesome! i love it well done =]


  • Hazel Tree
    May 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    great

    wow, i am a fan of dominatrix, this was great. loved it can't wait to read the rest.

    Hazel


  • asthray.heart
    May 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow I would love to give a comment like you gave mne but this was so raw and intense that I am much at a loss for what I can say to praise this I wish I could.

    I only can only say fucking amazing and the next part is a definite read, as you told me this would be, and you were right,

    Ily

    xxx


  • MalevolentDesire
    May 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, Blair, this was an awesomely dark, and very arousing story. The idea of femdoms, and ff situations is something that attracts me in a way that I've found some people don't understand.

    The domination and submission in this was very vivid, and I can't wait to read the completing parts of it. I think you did a really great job.

    There are some spelling and grammar mistakes, but hey, no one's perfect.

    Keep up the good work ^_^


    • Prodigious.Mirth
      May 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Mal ..

      Thanks its kinda personal/non personal lol and I really appreciated a like minded commenter...

      Yes the idea certainly attracts me more so than in my wildest dreams....

      thanks again
      means a lott


  • david18232
    April 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    YOU DID SUCHA GOOD JOB YOU WERE SO DESCRIPTIVE AND EVERYTHING YOU ONLY HAD A FEW GRAMMATICAL ERRORS BUT THAT IS ABOUT IT I CANT WAIT UNTIL I GET TO READ THE SECOND PART OF THIS STORY. GOOD JOB AND WELL WRITTEN. HOPE TO READ MORE IN TEH FUTURE.


  • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
    April 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow!!! This is so dark and seductive all at the same time. Gosh Blair you weren't kidding girl. You have been busy on lesbian stories Mmmm and I throughly enjoyed the nice read here. You are a brilliant erotica writer and always leave people who read them wanting so so much more! Amazing descriptions you used in it too!
    ~Joann


  • eyeambaldman
    April 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You really captured the emotion of domination in this piece. I do hope you continue and finish it off. I was concerned when the lightning struck the ground and caused the fire, but you did a wonderful job of clearing that up and moving on to a place to stop.

    The thoughts of the main character were very well done, especially with how badly she wanted to be dominated. You really have a knack for dark erotica, and although this wasn't too sadistic, it was definitely hot. 3700 words fly by when reading something like this...

    Yes, there are ton of grammatical errors and/or spelling errors, but I have a feeling this is a first draft so you will easily catch all that in revision.

    You are a furious writer, and it shows in the amount of words you churn out. Excellent work! Continue it!


  • Writehanded
    April 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Good Story; Needs Technical Revision

    First, the technical stuff:

    "I waited outside the footpath of the library, waiting in the rain." Since the repeated “waiting” doesn't really serve a strong purpose, I'd suggest revising this to, "I waited in the rain outside the library's footpath."

    "She promised me that she would be here on time, knowing very well that there was a storm heading out way." I think you might've meant "our" or "my" rather than "out".

    “Yet as I waisted outside in the hailing rain, the tears of disappointment falling from my eyes. I felt an anger burning through me like an infernal fire, ready to rip through an entire country.” Might sound better as, “Yet as I waited outside in the hailing rain, tears of disappointment falling from my eyes, I felt an anger burning through me like an internal fire, strong enough to rip through an entire country.”

    “My clothes were completely soaked, my hair drenched sticking annoying to my face. My once plush jumper felt more like a sponge than a fashion must, and my socks felt sock inside my leather lace up shoes.” Revise as, “…my hair annoyed me, drenched and sticking to my face.” Also the double socks in the second sentence confused me…?

    “I took my jumper of, throwing it on the ground beside my bag.” “Off” not “of”.

    “After all this time I would kill anyone who stood in my way of finally succeeding in something I had spent the entire term studying for, all on my own.” Comma after, “after all this time.”

    “Pulling up across Two car parks, the door of the car open. My brothers girlfriend stepping out of the door, an umbrella in her hand.” Try, “Pulling up across two car parks, the door of the car opened and my brother’s girlfriend stepped out, an umbrella in her hand.”

    “She smiled, putting the umbrella up, and walked over to wear I was standing.” You mean, “where”. Where indicates place, and wear indicates something like an article of clothing you’d put on.

    “Hay kiddo, what's up,” she asked friendly as if She could not tell I was about to slap the bitch fair in the face.” Sounds better, “Hay kiddo, what's up,” she asked – friendly, as if she could not tell I was about to slap the bitch fair in the face.”

    “What does it look like,” I said though gritted teeth, the tears in my eyes being drowned out by the rain that was the only thing stopping me from throwing her to the ground and ripping her to shreds.” You might want to reword this as, “What does it look like?” I said though gritted teeth, the tears in my eyes drowned out by the rain being the only thing stopping me from throwing her to the ground and ripping her to shreds.”

    “What do you want now?” I asked, as she ran, stopping a few centimeters before me, her blouse now soaking and see though. Her hair, sticking to her breasts.” The last sentence would sound better, “Her hair stuck to her breasts.”

    “ “Taken by surprise, I moved back, my nipples hardening with her provoking touch.” You’ve got unnecessary quotation marks at the beginning of that sentence.

    “Rigid I failed to obey her command.” Comma after “rigid.”

    “Violently she fondled my breast, cupping them tightly in her hands…” Comma after “violently.”

    “Unrelentingly I stood, my pussy was soaked and aching.” The “was” is probably unneeded.

    “Moaning, I cried. As she pulled harder, and tighter; waiting for my response.” Delete the period and just make that one sentence.

    “I said do I make myself clear bitch,” she asked again angrily.” Comma after “again.”

    “Letting go of my breast, she let them fall back into place, her hands ripping at my at my blouse. One after one my buttons popper beneath her carnal fingertips.” You accidentally added “at my” twice, and “popped” would probably work better than “popper.”

    “Her hand pressing mine painfully against the car.” “Pressed” rather than “pressing.”

    “Unlike me though, she was taking this whole role to seriously.” Comma after “though” and “too” rather than “to.”

    “The tears burning a river down my cheeks.” “Burned” instead of “burning.”

    “Not wanting to disobey her to early into the session.” This would be a stronger sentence written, “I didn’t want to disobey her too early into the session.”

    “I watched as she walked around to the drivers side of the car, flinging open the door.” Apostrophe after the “s” in “drivers.”

    “You know, I have a way better time with you, than I ever do when I am with your brother,” she snickered, sliding into the car seat. Adjusting her mirrors so she could see me perfectly, as I put my seat belt on. “now Buckle up kiddo, your in for one hell of a ride.” Ought to read, “You know, I have a way better time with you than I ever do when I am with your brother,” she snickered, sliding into the car seat and adjusting her mirrors so she could see me perfectly as I put my seatbelt on. “Now, buckle up kiddo, you’re in for one hell of a ride.”

    “Stepping out of the car, and onto the dusty dirt track. She kicked up a storm of her own walking towards my door, as she swung it open, leaning forward; Grinning from ear to ear.” Would read smoother as, “She stepped out of the car and onto the dusty dirt track, kicking up a storm of her own as she walked toward my door and swung it opened, then leaned forward. She was grinning from ear to ear.”

    “We stopped short, just outside a barb wired fence. Her hand gripping mine.” Rather than have it as two separate sentences, just use a comma after “fence.”

    “In the middle of the paddock, a few feet out north. I could make out the lines of a large x standing alone. Nothing surrounding it, it just stood alone. Firmly, frightening me to the core.” Would make more sense as, “In the middle of the paddock, a few feet out north, I could make out the line of a large X standing alone, nothing surrounding it. It frightened me to the core.”

    “Nodding, I followed her. Slowly making my way behind her towards the large x that stood before us.” Again, a comma would be a better way to combine these two.

    “The rain trickled down my body, making it hard to slip so easily into the cuffs. I flinched, s a piece of skin got caught on the side of the leather , and pinched my skin painfully.” I think you left out the “a” in “as” and there’s an extra space after “leather.”

    “I let out a cry of pain, as I jolted to the side. My wrist being now safely, but painfully inside the restraint.” Again, use a comma to combine the two.

    “I felt her hands behind my head, she was undoing the scarf gag she had around my mouth.” A semicolon, rather than a comma, would probably be a better choice.

    “Although I was handcuffed to the device, my feet felt slippery underneath me, I felt like at any given second I could loose my grip and topple over…” I’d probably end that sentence following “underneath me.”

    “Gilding her hand enticingly up my inner thighs. forcefully she played with my pantie line. Her soft fingers crawling like an insect all around, seeping underneath the drenched, see though fabric.” Sounds better, “Gliding her hand enticingly up my inner thighs, he forcefully played with my panty line. Her soft fingered crawled like an insect…”

    “Withering under her painfully, erotic touch. I screamed, longing for her to grip my shoulder tightly and thrust her long ,” Join these sentences with a comma, and you also have an extra space after “long.”

    “My teeth sinking deeply into my lips.” “Sank” rather than “sinking.”

    ““I'm a dirty little slut for your use mistress” I cried.” Comma after “mistress.”

    “No let me pain you a picture my love,” she whispered, breathing her heated, sensual breath against my ear. “ We are surrounded my houses, many old and new, there are many people in these house. Children, adults, teenagers like you.” Should read, “Now, let me paint you a picture, my love,” she whispered, breathing her heated, sensual breath against my ear. “We are surrounded by houses, many old and new, and there are many people in these houses…”

    “Yes what” she asked, ramming it in and out of my tight as slowly…” Question mark after “what” and should say “ass” rather than “as.”

    “Yes mistress, Yes yes yes” I whined, feeling her hands…” Comma after each “yes.”

    “Answer me bitch, “ she said thrusting harder and harder into me, probing my ass with every ouch of strength that she had.” Extra space between the comma and quotation marks, and I think you meant “ounce” rather than “ouch.”

    “Forcefully putting pressure on the clamps, pulling furiously on the chain that held them in place.” Add “she” somewhere, like “Forcefully, she put pressure…”

    “Jerking I tried my best to keep my mouth shut. While the pain etched at me like a carving knife, tugging and pulling alarmingly at my broken skin. She had ordered me to be silent, but I could not,constant screams and whimpers tearing through me, I had never experience this kind of pain.” Would sound better, “Jerking, I tried my best to keep my mouth shut while the pain etched at me like a carving knife, tugging and pulling alarmingly at my broken skin. She had ordered me to be silent, but I could not; constant screams and whimpers tore through me, as I had never experienced this kind of pain.”

    “Slightly disturbed she stopped thrusting her cock into my ass as watched, as a small fire erupted in the grass.” Should say, “Slightly disturbed, she stopped thrusting her cock in my ass and watched as a small fire erupted in the grass.”

    “While at first the flames lapped slightly at the grass, until it fumed and burned wildly with the wind, heading in our direction.” Sounds better, “At first, the flames lapped slightly at the grass, but quickly it fumed and burned wildly with the wind…”

    “I knew that this would not make her happy, but I wondered, if she would still continue, despite this sudden alarm of danger.” No comma after “wondered.”

    “…she said, picking me up, raising me high into the air. Holding me over her shoulder.” Revise as, “…she said, picking me up and raising me high into the air over her shoulder.”

    “Shuddering, I watched in awe. My skin being torn, as she bounced me up and down. Lowering me over the bard wire fence.” Make, “I shuddered and watched in awe, my skin being torn as she bounced me up and down, then lowered me over the barbed wire fence.”

    “Get in the car,” she yelled, pulling her skirt down, as she herself climber over the barb wire fence. Running towards the car.” Try, “…pulling her skirt down as she clambered over the barbed wire fence.”

    “Sinking back so comfortably. My eyes closing, as I eased into the seats.” These are two sentence fragments, try combining them to read, “I sank back comfortably, my mind closing as I eased into the seats.”

    “The ride home was silent, all but the sound of a static radio playing an old eighties song I remembered from my mothers birthday party.” Apostrophe after the “s” in “mothers.”

    "The day I had met her, the day my brother had introduced her to me. I had known that day that something would happen between us." Try this, "The day I had met her, the day my brother had introduced her to me, I had known then that something would happen between us."

    "The sound all so comforting." Maybe better as, "The sounds were all so comforting," or, "The sounds of comfort."

    "Leaning back she sighed. Swinging her head around to face me her frown disappeared to an almost brutal grin. " Revise, "Leaning back, she sighed, then swung her head around to face me as her frown became an almost brutal grin."

    Also, I didn’t mark every single time you did it, but there are tons of sentences in this story consisting solely of “-ing” verbs (Running towards the car, lowering me over the barbed wire fence, etc.) and these aren’t actually sentences, but rather sentence fragments.

    As for the actual story:

    I liked it in a weird, sadomasochistic, sort of way. Especially toward the end, the actions between your characters were actually very endearing, such as the brother's girlfriend carrying the narrator to the car and calling her "kiddo", and the narrator caught up in that same feeling of anxiety and concern all teenagers feel when pondering where their relationship stands.

    The descriptions also created an overall strong image of what was going on at each moment; the characters' actions, the narrators thoughts, and the actual location descriptions as well.

    Overall, this is a well done story, it's just that from a technical standpoint there's such an abundance of grammatical errors, they kind of distract from from the story.

    Fix those, however, and you're good to go. [:




  • Miss South Carolina
    April 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this was good very interesting keep up the good work


  • secretladyspider
    April 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    My, my, my.

    I love how vivid it is... and yet there are things I don't understand about it... not what they're doing, but little things, like why someone would enjoy that...

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      April 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Secret ^.^

      Woops
      Okay firstly thank you for reading it..I spent a fair amount of time working on this yesterday so for anyone to be reading it means a lot to me...

      Secondly I guess it is a world wide thing, all about preference, I have hear and know of much harsher things than this; but enjoy it so i write it for the mere pleasure for myself and others who enjoy this..

      Thank you for noticing the vividness i have used in this... description was a big part. Though I did tone it down a bit so it did not turn into to rape fetishes.

      Thanks again for reading
      I really appreciate it

      <3 Blair


    • Prodigious.Mirth
      April 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Secret ^.^


  • Rebel Rebel silver member
    April 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Parent should be plural in the second paragraph, I am thinking. In the same para the storm should be heading our way and not out way.

    This is a story about rain so I am liking it from the beginning. It talks about ya brother's girlfriend. I am presently messing with my sister's boyfriend. So this story should be interesting.

    In para three you should be waiting outside and not waisted outside.

    I see that you get called a slut just like he calls me.

  • V l
    April 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my go I knew you could be so dark and beautyful but dam my vampire queen. I can get really dark but been wholing back becasue of fear but I'm wroking on a new series call Force Sex Culb let's just say you will be enjoying every tale more and more.


  • Amnesty-
    April 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You're amazing with descriptions, Blair.

    This is so dark, but in a beautiful way.

    There are a few grammar mistakes, but nothing thats not easily fixed.

    NiceJob
    -Jai-

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      April 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Sadistic Fairytale :p

      Thank you.

      Sometimes I think I immerse myself so deeply into my descriptions I get lost & it drifts me away

      thanks for taking your time to read and comment
      much appreciated

      Blair


  • Friesian
    April 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    That was H-O-T!!!

    Whoa! Your writing was so brilliant in this! Mmmmm... was wrapped in sensual wods, could feel a hotness burning on my skin. So great! Oh, god, I crave more! I love how you describe her want, her need, he desire. The pain..the submission..it makes me want more, thirst, hunger, for what shall happen next. Oh, damn, this was SO HOT!!!! I LOVE it! I've been searching, searching for dark, deep writing like this, erotic and sexy! Please, please don't stop! It was oh so wonderful!


    Ps: Damn, I wish I could give you more clappys!

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      April 27, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      Friesian :)

      Ha Ha ~~
      Well i think six clappys is quite sufficient; but also a little extreme Though it is nice to think I have written something that could have stirred someone so much as to wear out their hands with applause

      Thank you for reading.

      Was hard. I did have a drive to keep going, and going. I am not one for knuckling down with other a set of guidlines shall I say to follow. So on my part I feel I did pretty well. Although I have not yet finished.

      I am also glad you found it Hot!! I am continually worried about writing erotica. I always worry that it will sound to cliche .. which is why I set it in the rain.

      Thank you again
      It is very much appreciated

      Blair

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