The snow crunched beneath our boots as Helena and I tread sombrely between the trees. The branches of the bare oaks quivered in the breeze. She gripped my hand as though she were afraid I would try to break away from her. That was something I could never do. Not at a time like this.1
"I just- I can't believe she's gone," said Helena, half to herself. The chilled air and the sadness of her voice sent a shiver through my spine. "I can't believe I'll never see her again."2
"We don't know that. We don't know anything yet."3
Her grasp on my hand tightened, and she turned to face me. "It's been three weeks, Ben. Three weeks, and I haven't heard a word. I would have. I know it."4
"Don't talk like that." I put my free arm around her, pulling her close.5
Helena sobbed into my chest. "She's my sister, Ben. You've never had a sister; you wouldn't understand what it's like."6
"Shh," I whispered. "We'll find her. The police are looking everywhere. I'm sure it'll work out."7
She lifted her face and stared into my eyes. "When we were sixteen, our mother gave us gold crosses on a chain to wear and show our devotion to God. Erica wore hers everyday. I didn't! It's a sign, Ben. God's punishing me; I don't know what to do."8
"I think we should go home," I suggested gently, releasing her from my embrace and turning back. She nodded, trembling, and began to retrace her steps. As I did the same, I knew that I could never tell her that I had seen the golden crucifix on a chain half-buried in the snow nearly twenty feet from where we had stood. I could never tell her that it had been carelessly abandoned there three weeks ago by none other than the one that was now holding her hand. That was something I could never do. Ever.
Author notes
Someone had better search that forest...
Re-edit; I had originally ended it with Ben SEEING the crucifix, not being the one to leave it there.
A contest entry
- Evil Options by SignifyingNothing.
1200 points, ended June 28, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories by Reaver.
455 points, ended June 13, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Friday the 13th F-U-N! by Friesian.
350 points, ended July 4, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sweet shorts....... ( Not the ones you wear ) by NinjaMegami.
100 points, ended June 20, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
I like the concept of this and the dialog is really good. It's a nice twist, but I thought this sentence: "I could never tell her that it had been carelessly abandoned there three weeks ago by none other than the one that was now holding her hand" was too clumsy. I'd rework it. I can see from the comments that this has been revised- that's good, it shows me that you care about your work enough to listen to feedback and change things, and that makes a good writer. I really liked this, but like I said, I'd work on the wording in the ending. It is left a little unclear- I take it that he did the sister in, but we are left not knowing why. I think this still needs editing, but has great potential.
-
AHHH!!
They BETTER search that forest!! The ending was cooool! The dialogue was great!
-
I enjoyed the way this panned out
Was very fun to read and i found that i was entertained throughout. Loved the ending...best part of the whole story. Hey, it's all about the ending...right
-
You are correct!
Better search that forest! Quite a little suspenseful jolt you added there at the end. Led us to believe they were two friends you did, you did and then gave a different, evil option with a twist.
Well conceived, well done...best of luck!
Amicus...
-
Snip, snip!
In the interest of brevity...let me just call to attention some of the words I suggest you re-think...or lose altogether:
somberly...strongly...aggressively (the last two mostly because of the redundant "ly" endings)
Chilled...chill (repetition)
"she's not gone" (apparently she is!)
"It's too late." (for what?)
"into my shoulder" (everyone is always sobbing into someone's shoulder!...enough already! lol!)
"after which" (say "then")
"She" (this is the third one on this line! Say "It's my sister, Ben" or just "My sister!"
"What it's like to lose her" (leave it at: "what it's like!")
"In her ear" (just "I whispered" is enough. In her ear paints a silly picture)
"Misunderstanding!!??" (What misunderstanding? Lose this!)
"of her life" (you don't need this redundancy)
"for not being a good person" (just leave it at "punishing me!")
"in the direction we came" (turned back is sufficient)
How do you nod "slowly?" (How do you nod fast?)(She nodded is all you need)
"from minutes before" ("retraced her steps" is, of course, enough!)
Lose the whole business about his "deciding" just say it.
Forget the "peering down to identify it" just say what it was!
Lose the last line...it isn't real. A husband would NEVER say this to his wife!...no matter WHAT time it was! lol!
Behave...brevity...economy!
GA
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
