Fear the Reaper (Chapter 12)

CHAPTER 121

Always regret what you have done, rather than what you haven’t2

(Sam Fuller, 1995)3

I drove on into the night, the darkest of nights, yet at the same time, the brightest of nights. 4

So many conflicting emotions! 5

I thought that when I actually caught them, I’d be happy. But instead, I feel empty. I suppose it’s like having a one night stand, the build up to it is great, but what an anticlimax it becomes by the morning.6

My stomach is churning over with nerves, yet I’m able to take solace in my belief that these will be my last victims. Which in itself also adds its own tint of sadness, because I was beginning to like myself as the Reaper as well. I’ve done so much good and now nobody will ever know it was me.7

Never mind, tomorrow I can get it together with Debbie and put this whole business behind me.8

Is that what I really want? Or is it just another temporary escape in my life?9

I want so much to hurt them. I want to give them pain. I want to make them suffer. They raped and killed the only girl I ever truly loved, and they ran off into the night without any care or consideration to the lives they had wrecked and ended. And yet they can still feel comfortable in their decisions and choices in life.10

They must pay, and they must pay dearly in full. 11

Should the Reaper judge them? Or should I judge them myself? 12

The fuckers, I should kill them!13

Then they would learn nothing. They must learn the value of life. They must see that it is not there for the taking but is, in fact, a precious gift to anyone with enough guts to live it. No, we must continue in the path set by the Reaper.14

Revenge is not the Reaper’s way. 15

The Reaper’s way is justice and judgement must be served.16

Anything less would be an obscene perversion of the Reaper’s power, and that would be sin enough in itself. A journey into the realm of self-judgement. Oh the agony of choice. Oh the deliberation of decision. I could turn back now and never again have to look this night in the face, and then regret what I haven’t done.17

If I ever was on the highway of life, stood at the crossroads of decision, debating which path will lead to happiness and satisfaction, then it is now. The way is set, I must go forward. I would never forgive myself not knowing what I could have done tonight.18

I sighed as I turned the van off the road and cut through into the wooded area of the valley of darkness. I turned off the engine and began rubbing my temples.19

I can see that this migraine is going to hit me full force later. I mean yes, I took a couple of pain killers earlier, but when they wear off, I’m fucked. I’ve got to try and keep my head...20

I sighed again, and began to roll a spliff.21

Tonight doesn’t feel like any ordinary night, mind. I feel different. Normally by this stage, I’m really excited.22

Stick papers together.23

I’m about to make them truly regret everything they’ve every done. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never had to look my victim’s crimes in the face before. 24

Rip open fag, put tobacco contents into the cigarette papers.25

Perhaps it was how easily they were caught. I mean, I’ve lived in fear of them, like they were this great challenge. The obstacle I can’t overcome. And the realisation that my life had been destroyed by ordinary men. Just like the slimy dirt bags I have already brought to justice. I’ve over estimated them; I held them up on some kind of pedestal of hate, like they were supermen. And now here they are, weak, mortal fools.26

Burn weed in...27

It makes me so angry. How was I overpowered by three such insignificant specimens of humanity? But their crime was so horrific. The vivid cold images that are to haunt many of my waking moments and most of my sleeping ones too! 28

Roll, lick and stick. 29

They must be judged as mortals. 30

But what if they resist the Reaper? 31

Surely then, I should punish them as myself. 32

No, for your judgement would be the downfall of the Reapers legacy.33

Fuck you; they made us, what I am. If not for them you wouldn’t even be here. 34

I am you, I have always been you and I must continue to be you.35

‘Shut the fuck up, all of you. I’ve got to think.’ I said, suddenly aloud. 36

Reaper or revenge? Reaper or revenge? 37

What would be the most satisfying? The Reaper should judge. For with him, the quest lies true.38

Yes, but I have been waiting nearly two years to find these bastards. And as a victim of theirs, I demand personal justice. Should I be denied that? 39

Pop in the roach.40

I’ve got to think straight.41

I rubbed my temples.42

It’s kind of ironic that their lives are now in my hands, isn’t it?43

Light the joint. 44

Enough, I say. If I could but clear my mind of all the emotional bullshit.45

I must think like the Reaper, I must be the Reaper, the Reaper and I should be one. We should treat these like the many fools who have come before them, in the trait of cold, hard logic. 46

I puffed my last few puffs on the spliff and outed it. And holding these thoughts of swift decisive action, I opened the van door and stepped out into the night air.47

I then looked up to the dark sky, with an almost childlike wonderment at the thousands of stars shining their great distance, the shifting, changing clouds that quickly move by, overhead unveiling the full moon, with all it’s magic and mystery. I inhaled deeply, almost feeling at one with nature, while surveying the greenery around me.48

Nature struggles and perseveres to give all its creations their needs, but like Frankenstein, she creates a monster. A monster that thrives on greed, jealously, fear, paranoia and territoriality. A monster that destroys and conquers anything in its path, leaving no sanctuary unturned. So unable to destroy this monster, she gives it the means to destroy itself. And over the centuries, man has done a fucking good job of that, hasn’t’ he? But this is not the time for philosophical bullshit is it? There’s a job to do.49

I made my way around to the back of the van, opened the doors, and surveyed the three still figures inside. ‘Yes my pretties, judgement is at hand’ I said, in my best witch from 0z voice.50

I grabbed the first of the three by his boots and pulled him to the van doors. Then rolling him over to one side, I managed to get in behind him to get the Reaper props.51

I then set about putting all the props into their allotted places as I have so many times before. The mirrors set so they can see themselves. Tying ropes to trees, propping up the mini Reaper figures. The only little difference I made was digging out a square of earth to build a fire. It looks pretty good with the petrol covered stakes as well. I don’t think there’ll be a problem with illumination tonight (not that there has been up to now. But tonight is special).52

When I was happy that everything was set up and ready to go, I made my way back to the van. I then rolled the first of them back onto his back, pulled him to a sitting position and began to undress him. I pulled off his jacket, pulled his jumper over his head, pulled off his boots, socks and laid him back down to pull of his jeans and boxers.53

Then, pulling him back into a sitting position, I put my shoulder into his stomach and draped the top half of him over my back and shoulders, and straightened up into a Fireman’s lift. I quickly walked over to the judgement area.54

Now let me see, he was the one who held her down. He should be in the middle, so I can judge him second. Not that I suppose it really matters.55

Oh, it matters. 56

Shut up.57

I then popped his feet down into their allotted area, and straightened until he was in a standing position. I nudged my knees into his to hold his legs straight and with my left arm, I held him to me like we were dancing to keep his torso straight.58

I then lifted his legs to balance on my right arm as I reached for the rope. Then with two loops around his arm, I fixed it into a bowman’s knot. 59

Fuck it, don’t bother with the foam. After what they’ve done to me, it’s doesn’t matter if they get a bit of rope burn, does it?60

So with him taking most of his weight on his left arm, it made it easier for me to tie his right arm up. I finally pegged his feet to the floor with two smaller ropes.61

A tear ran down my cheek as I thought of him holding her down, and I was too weak and powerless to prevent it. I bit my lip, as if in an attempt to bite back the bitterness that was welling up inside me. I masking taped his knob to his arse, although I do feel I should just cut it off and have done with it. But that is not the Reaper way, is it? I taped his hands and attached the rubber ones.62

Hands such as these destroyed my life.63

Calm down, clear head.64

Ah, I know what I need, I need a physical stimuli.65

Suppress these unwanted emotions. 66

No, you should feel these emotions. You must feel the pain that brought about the quest and the birth of the Reaper.67

You are right, of course.68

I then did the same with the other two fiends, strategically placing them in their allotted places.69

How dare they be so weak! I almost feel like I want one of them to stir into consciousness and freak, just so I can beat the shit out of him. But no, that is not the Reaper’s way, is it?70

Damm this vow that I have bound myself too! I deserve personal justice. I deserve revenge for their sins that cost me so dearly.71

But do we agree that if the Reaper’s tactics fail upon them and they do not believe in the Reaper, I shall take over?72

Only if they do not truly believe! 73

Then I should prepare myself for that eventuality. I must wear my mask of pain beneath the Reaper mask. I must be naked, beneath the shroud, that I may be as every bit vulnerable as they are. So that when the time comes, I may judge myself with the same divine justification as I have those who have crossed that line that even fools and angels fear to tread. That line that divides the ignorant and the evil...74

They shall know judgement.75

I went back to the van, and foraged through my bag for the acid tabs. I found them. Fucking hell, I’ve still got nearly 100 left (ninety four, to be exact).76

I tore three from the small page of blotters, and strode up to the first of the three (the lookout). 77

He had continued to kick me as I lay on the floor, helpless. 78

Yes, tonight is special. So I think three tabs will be in order to reach the fulfillment of tonight’s festivity.79

I reached forward and placed the three ohms ceremoniously on his tongue, like communion wafers. ‘Ingest these tabs that you may eat my pain.’ I then cut a length of masking tape and put it across his mouth to stop him dribbling or spitting them out.80

I then moved to the second one of them, (the one who held her down). I tore another three tabs off the strip, and placed them on his tongue. ‘May the spirit of death be merciful on your soul.’ I put a length of masking tape along his mouth.81

I then moved on to the third one (the rapist killer). My hands were shaking and I ground my teeth hard together.82

Not so tough now, is he? I should kill him. 83

No, I should make him suffer and kill him. 84

His suffering should be legendary in the annals of humanity. 85

But no, that is not the Reaper’s way, is it?86

I took a deep breath to calm myself. ‘May your sins find their punishment!’ I tore 3 more of the tabs from the strip and put them heavy handedly onto his tongue. I then put a length of tape across his mouth.87