Fear the Reaper (Chapter 4)

CHAPTER 41

A man is the sum total of his memories2

(Dr. Who, 1983)3

When we finally got outside and passed all the people, it was amazing the effect the cold fresh air had on us. It was almost like we had straightened up the minute that the fresh air hit us. As we walked back, we passed the lane where Sam and I were attacked. I can’t say, at that stage, it really interrupted my trip at all. It just side tracked me for a while, and got me thinking. ‘Excuse me mate, have you got the time’ I suddenly heard in my head. ‘Strange’ I thought. I can’t really pinpoint where it had come from. I tried to put it to the back of my mind to process later. But as I walked along, more of the memory started coming back to me, mixing in with voices I can only describe as my own. I don’t know whether it was the acid combined with the location but I was just starting to experience total recall.4

‘Excuse me mate, have you got the time’5

You were weak.6

‘Yeah, hang on’ I replied, taking my arm from around Sam to see my watch under the street light.7

You should have seen it coming;8

I squinted my eyes to see my watch.9

Why didn’t you suspect? 10

‘Now let me see, the time is …,’11

You’re hopeless. 12

Suddenly my nose exploded, and I reeled back as I felt a knuckle-duster hit me in the face. 13

You were weak.14

Sam screamed as 2 men dragged her down the alley. 15

It should have been you, not her,16

My head was pounding. As I staggered after them. 17

You were weak. 18

One of them ripped open her blouse and punched her to the ground as she tried to get away. ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch’ I ran at him, ‘No’ I punched him to the ground. I felt so much hate. ‘I’ll fucking kill you’ 19

You didn’t try hard enough. 20

I kicked him in the face, jumped on him and strangled him. ‘Sam, get out of here.’ I slumped to the ground and blacked out as a baseball bat hit me. 21

You were weak, you were not quick enough. 22

I fought to stay conscious and got to my feet. My head was pounding. 23

It’s all your own fault. 24

Sam screamed. The bastards were raping her. Got to help Sam. 25

You were weak. 26

‘Sam’ I said staggering.27

‘What does it take to put this fucker down?’28

‘Oof’ I felt a blow to the stomach. As I went down, then several blows as he proceeded to kick me. ‘There’s someone coming’29

You were so weak. 30

The ringleader of the 3 then slit her throat. ‘Fucking bitch, she was a lousy fuck anyway’ he said. ‘What about him?’ Another said. ‘Fuck him, he probably won’t last the night. Let’s get out of here’ he replied, and they ran. ‘Sam’ I said in pain and crawled to her. I embraced her lifeless body ‘Sam, no …, please God no …, don’t leave me.’ 31

I blinked,32

I looked around.33

I’m back in the present…..34

Everything was so vivid…., I was there…., I saw everything. 35

It would seem to have put a downer on this trip, but at least I’ve remembered. I won’t mention it to Chris. I don’t want to spoil his trip too. 36

After about another 10 minutes of walking it became more apparent that Chris was determined to get lucky with Monique. By this time Candice had her arm around my waist, and I had my arm around her shoulder. As I looked into her eyes, I could see she had the same thing in mind as Chris and Monique. 37

Bit ‘o’ bint wanna bit ‘o’ me. 38

Shit, how am I going to get out to this one?39

I’ll just have to jump off that bridge when I come to it40

So eventually we reached the flat.41

‘Look man, I’m not going to stop. I’m going to take Monique back and have a couple of coffees and a bit of talk and stuff’ he said with a wink. ‘Okay man, I’ll see you later’ I replied and waved them off. Candice carried on into the flat with me. I opened the front door, and stepped in the passageway leading to the front room. We took our coats off, and Candice sat on the settee. ‘Would you like a coffee’ I asked her. ‘Yes please’ she replied enthusiastically. So I went through to the kitchen to put the kettle on, and left her in the company of the TV. While I was in the kitchen alone, I found myself coming back up on the trip and began peaking again. As if coming into the flat had set it off again! It was strange, as I looked around and realised I was stood in mine and Sam’s home. As I looked at photographs on the wall, they were making faces at me, it was well weird. As the kettle continued it’s rumbling to the boil, I thought I’d better go in and talk to Candice, make sure everything was all right and that she was cool. So I went back in and I looked at the pictures of Sam and I on the walls, on the sideboard, on the table, it was almost as if they were glaring at me, the features distorting in a 3D trippy sort of way. I really didn’t know what to think. 42

Is it an hallucination or is it some kind of message? 43

I should have realised, I’ve got a girl at the flat. So, Sam wouldn’t be too happy about it, especially when the girl has intentions of having sex with me.44

Shit, what am I going to do?45

What made it worse was this trick vision, making me see distorted images of faces, scorning me with their disapproval and accusation, it freaked me out, big time. I started to feel very depressed, very guilty very fast. 46

I’m going to have to ask this girl to leave. 47

Shit, how am I going to do this now without offending her?48

But then, she knows I’m tripping. Maybe she’ll understand. 49

I need a bit of time on my own.50

A tear ran down my face, as the voices found strength in my pain. 51

Why have you brought this girl here? 52

It was only a matter of hours ago, that you stood at Sam’s graveside. 53

Are you such scum that you would do this to Sam? 54

Is this how you honour her memory?55

‘Leave me alone’56

You did not deserve Sam or anything she stood for. 57

Is this all you think of Sam?58

‘Why are you doing this to me?’ 59

Are you gonna fuck the first girl who comes to you?60

‘No I do not have any intentions of fucking the girl. I just fancied a bit of company, that’s all.’ 61

Well, where is Chris? 62

‘Chris left.’ 63

Chris left so he could fuck the other bint, to leave you to fuck this bint. You do not have a clue do you?64

‘I don’t want to fuck her, I just fancies a bit of company, that’s all.’ 65

She’s going to have to go. So tell her.66

I walked fully into the room to see Candice. Candice saw the distressed look on my face, my frown and the tear that was drying on my cheek.67

‘Richie, are you all right?’ she asked concerned.68

‘Yeah, fine …, well no, I’m not fine’ I replied confused.69

‘Is there anything I can do for you?’ she asked, half frowning. 70

Yeah, suck my dick bitch. 71

Fuck off, shut up. 72

I frowned with agitation.73

‘No not at the moment. I just need to clear my head. Would you be really offended if I asked you to leave?’74

‘Is it anything I’ve done?’75

‘No, it’s nothing you’ve done, honestly. It’s me. I’m just not feeling too good at the moment. My head is playing games with me.’76

‘Are you going onto a bad trip?’77

‘I don’t know. It’s just a lot of emotions that should have come out ages ago.’78

She has got to go. 79

I frowned. A lump came to my throat as I began to choke and sob. ‘Oh come on Richie, you don’t look too good. I’d better stay and make sure you’re alright.’80

‘Candice, will you please leave? ’81

‘You can’t expect me to go and leave you like this, you’re in a really bad way. It might be best if you talk about it.’82

‘No, please go and leave me alone’ I said suddenly and sternly. Candice was a little taken aback. ‘Richie.’ ‘Candice, go’ I snapped. She grabbed her coat and bag. ‘Okay fine’ she said, starting to leave. ‘Why is it I always get stuck with the loonies?’ she muttered to herself before the door closed behind her. I then heard her run up the road, calling to Chris and Monique. I hate the sound of heels on paved concrete. Chris and Monique hadn’t really got that far as they had been snogging on the corner of the street. Chris must have been well peeved, as this would have put pay to him getting his leg over.83

I went upstairs and sat in the bedroom. My head was spinning. There was too much going on in my mind for my brain to deal with. 84

I shouldn’t have brought Candice back. My excess personas were right; I’ve only just been to Sam’s grave. It’s not fair that I should honour her memory in this way. What a prick I am. What a bastard I am. I can’t help being who I am. I hate who I am. 85

And so you should. You’re scum. You’re worthless. You do not deserve the air you breathe. You do not deserve the life that you live. It should have been you that died, not Sam? Sam was much too good for you. She was everything that made you whole and stable. And this is how you repay her memory. 86

‘I miss her, so much’ 87

And this is how you remember her, you find another woman to fuck. That’s really honouring her memory isn’t it? It’s really following her wishes, isn’t it? 88

‘Why don’t you leave me alone?’ 89

No not this time. This time you must learn. 90

This time you must hear what I have to say.91

‘No’ I clasped my hands to my head as the voices bombarded me. Too loud to be in my head. But too weak to be in the real world. Almost like crossing the border between reality and mental fantasy. ‘Oh God help me, what have I done.’ 92

You must die. 93

‘What about Justice? What about the 3 pricks who killed Sam?’ 94

Well you’ve proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, it all means fuck all to you. You bring this brainless bint back to fuck in Sam’s home; you do not deserve to live. 95

You are shit. 96

‘I know’ I sobbed. Depression was really kicking in, by this time. My paranoia and self-loathing were starting to make me feel suicidal again. I saw a box of stelazine.97

Fuck that. I’ve vowed not to take the shit. They made me weak. 98

You are weak. 99

As I cast my eyes along the shelf, they came to rest on my Stanley knife, which had been gathering dust for a while. 100

Yes, go on do it. 101

You deserve to be punished.102

You have done an evil thing. 103

You have desecrated the memory of Sam. 104

‘Yes, I do deserve to be punished. I deserve to die.’ 105

You do not deserve the air you breathe. Now do it, quickly. 106

I slowly got to my feet, and staggered over to the shelf where the Stanley knife lay. I picked it up in my hands and slid out the blade. I held up my left wrist. I mean yeah, sure. I had lingering doubts. But the voices were a tower of strength in favour of what I was about to do. I held the Stanley blade in my right hand and pressed it heavily down on my up turned left wrist. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. 107

Do it. Do it now. 108

I then pulled it sharply along the flesh. I felt it imbed itself as it sliced into the main artery, sending out a jet of blood, not unlike Spiderman’s webbing. It amused me momentarily. I then started laughing and giggling inanely, as I watched the blood pumping from my wrist. It then occurred to me to aim it at the wall, to try and spray my name. But like when you’re having a piss, it’s to unpredictable to form the lettering, so I settled for smearing my name in blood with my right hand, which at the time seemed like the sensible thing to do. Was I doing the right thing? I don’t know. I then staggered back to the double mirrors and sat cross-legged, whilst looking in . I looked at myself crying my eyes out as the laughter passed. My features were so pale, my pupils were still huge. The jet of blood pooled up beside me on the floor. Downstairs, I could hear banging, which became a loud crash as I heard the front door go through. I could hear Chris and the girls calling out to me, but I was beyond that now. Nothing really mattered anymore. I stayed where I was silently sobbing to myself. My left arm was starting to go numb. Suddenly, I heard footsteps on the stairs, and up they all came. Chris entered the room ‘Oh fuck, Richie man, what the fuck are you doing?’ He snapped in shock.109

‘Chris, leave me alone. I don’t need this.’110

‘Richie man, you’re on a bad trip. You’ll come out of it. Please just stay with me. You promised me nothing would happen. What are you doing?’111

Candice screamed as she entered the room. Monique quickly took her outside. ‘What the fuck am I going to do? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck’ snapped Chris. As he kicked the door, seeing all the splats of blood everywhere, my name smeared on the wall and the trail of blood I’d left from the wall to the mirror. Finally he focused on the pool growing beside me. My arm was getting cold now, as well as numb. ‘Chris, I’m so sorry, man’ I said between sobs. ‘My head got carried away with me for a while. I saw all the photos of Sam. I feel like I’ve betrayed her in some way’112

‘Don’t worry Richie, we’ll get it sorted out. Just don’t do anything stupid, okay. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. Monique says she has some training in nursing. So I’m sure she’ll help us get you sorted’ he said wrapping a towel tightly around my wrist.113

‘Okay, man.’114

‘Right, well you just sit still. I’ll go and give her a shout. Are you sure you’re okay now?’115

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’116

‘Good, well don’t move. Just hold this towel tight and I’ll be back in a minute okay.’117

‘Okay’ I replied. Chris quickly ran out of the room. He called Monique from the top of the stairs. She answered and trooped up the stairs to him. ‘Monique, you know you said you’ve trained as a nurse’ he said, she nodded. ‘Well did they teach you what to do in the case of a slit wrist.’118

‘Which way does the cut run? From the bend of the elbow to the palm or cut across the wrist?’119

‘I think it’s cut straight across.’120

‘That’s okay then we should be able to stop the bleeding. What we’ve got to do is put pressure on the cut until the bleeding stops, and then wrap it up with some tight bandages.’121

‘Good, it’ll save us a trip to the hospital, at least’ he said, joining me in the room. Monique went into the bathroom to fill a bowl with water and get a cloth to wrap around my wrist and clean the area in an effort to stop the bleeding.122

‘Chris man, I’ve had total recall. I know who they were. I’ve seen their faces. I’ve seen everything.’123

‘Shit man, I didn’t realise. Sorry, if I’d known I wouldn’t have left you.’ He laid his palm flat on my wrist to pressure it. ‘That’s okay, Everything is okay. I’ve got to live.’124

‘Fucking right, you’ve got to live. Are you sure you’re alright?’125

‘Yeah, it just came as a bit of a shock when it happened, that’s all. I know now that I’ve got to live. I’ve got to bring justice to them.’126

‘Yeah cool man. Yeah. You’ve got to bring justice to them. We’ll go to the police station tomorrow, yeah. Give them a description of them.’127

‘No, I don’t want any police involved.’128

‘We’ve got to get the police involved. We’ve got to bring them to justice, yeah?’129

‘No, first they must justify themselves to me. I must let them know the way I feel. I must let them know how they destroyed me. I have to make them sorry for what they have done.’130

‘Calm down Rich, everything will be okay.’131

‘I’m perfectly calm Chris. In fact I’ve never been so calm. My mind is really focused at the moment. I can think clearly. I can think logically and I can think calmly.’132

‘Well that’s good. It helps a lot.’133

‘I foresee a course of events. I see a path that leads through the valley of darkness. A necessary evil, if you will. A path that I am destined to walk. It’s all so clear. I see now, what I must do.’134

‘Good, good, keep talking Richie. As long as I know you want to live, that’s the main thing. Cos if they put you back in hospital, you’re not going to be out for months if they think you’ve made another suicide bid. You know that, don’t you.’135

‘Yeah, don’t worry Chris, everything is going to be fine. I’m going to be fine’ I said calmly.136

‘Monique, will you hurry up. The blood is pissing through my fingers here.’ Chris suddenly shouted.137

‘Don’t worry I’m coming now’ she said, coming through the door, bowl in hand. ‘I just had to find something antiseptic to go in the water’ she added. She then put the bowl down on the floor, beside me.138

‘Right, what do you want me to do?’ asked Chris.139

‘Right, lay him back and keep his arm elevated. But keep applying the pressure to his wrist as you are now’ she replied.140

‘Come on now Richie, you’ve got to lay back and keep your arm up’ he said, as he leaned me back, holding tightly onto my wrist. ‘Right, what now?’ he asked, turning back to Monique.141

‘Just swill your hands in the water. Clean them up a bit. Then wrap a flannel around your hand then re-apply the pressure.’ She instructed. Chris did as he was told. The water in the bowl turned a pinkie colour as the blood washed from his hands. ‘Fuck, this is cold and it’s stinging my hands.’142

‘It’s better than having the areas go septic.’143

‘Why is it so cold?’144

‘It slows down the blood flow. Warm water would just stimulate it’ she said as Chris folded the flannel in half and wrapped it around his hand. ‘It it stings my hands, what it is going to be like on his wrist?’145

‘As I said it’s better than having the area go septic.’ Chris then gripped my wrist with as much strength as his hand would allow him. I let out a roar of pain, as the antiseptic water gripped my open wound. I unclenched my fist and struggled slightly. Chris gripped my wrist with both his hands to hold me still. ‘Calm down Rich, it hurts but it’s gonna pass.’ After that they spent the rest of the night stopping the bleeding and bringing me back to life. They also helped me clean up the blood from the floor. I told them to leave my name on the wall as it would serve as a reminder of my mortality to me.146

I must admit Chris and Monique made a good team, they worked well together and helped out big time. They left Candice downstairs with a black coffee to get over the shock. I also got Candice and Monique to promise me, they wouldn’t tell Farah what happened and that we had, had a good time. I could see I would be in need of Farah’s services in the future. 147

I have formulated a plan in my head. Sam’s death will be symbolic to this plan. For I must become death. I must become the reaper, and make them repent the evil they have done, using acid to bring out the emotions, necessary for judgement. Yes, I can see it now. It could work, it’s brilliant. To fully succeed, I’m going to need some sort of lure. Maybe if I read up on drugs and medicines, I’ll be able to find something like chloroform to knock them out. Yes, I can see it working. I need to look around and find somewhere secluded for a base of operations. And I suppose I’ll need to tie them up, because at the first sign of the Reaper whilst tripping, they’re likely to hot tail it off somewhere. So yes, they’ll need to be tied up and I’ll tie them up naked, to increase their sense of vulnerability. Yes, it’s coming together so well. I see justice in my grasp and it feels good. I think I’ll throw in some theatricals as well. Shit, I should be writing this down. No, it’s okay I’ll remember, yes I’ll need props. I’ve got to increase their awareness. I’ve got to increase their sense of despair. I must make them feel they have no hope. Then they will confess all they have done. And as they confess it they will relive it and as they live it in their minds they will regret it. And as they regret, they will repent. Then I will leave them in solitude to think. Earplugs may be on each of them. Yes, this is coming together so well. Yes, the time of tribulation has truly come.148

After taking a sleeping tablet to come down the night before, I woke up feeling reasonably alert. Which in itself is unusual for me after a trip. I had a bit of a smoke when I got up and despite me being stoned, my mind was still very focused, very alert and aware of my surroundings. I made a quick note of everything I would need to put my plan into action.149

Richie’s Justice List150

1. A Grim Reapers outfit (joke shop or theatrical shop)151

2. A plentiful supply of acid (see Farah)152

3. A bag of jumbo sausages (Butcher)153

4. Fake hands and limbs (joke shop or theatrical shop)154

5. Loads of red food colouring (most high street shops)155

6. A location to work at (drive around for somewhere desolate)156

7. Chloroform (or similar drug)157

8. Surgical rubber gloves158

Later I took a trip to the library, sat down amidst a pile of books to do with drugs, medications, herbs, medicines and finally butterfly collecting. I was quite gob smacked really; chloroform is an essential part of butterfly collecting in the death and preparation stage, before presentation. The book went on to say that you could pick up chloroform from any local pharmacy in your area. I mean …, I know this is small town. But there are at least 7-8 pharmacies down here easily.159

So later, after I’d finished in the library. I took a wander around to all the different pharmacies in the area and brought a quantity of chloroform from each, as I couldn’t really buy it all in one shop, it would be too much like drawing attention to myself, because you don’t really need that much for butterfly collecting. I mean yeah, it’s a pain in the arse as they only do it in 100 ml bottles, so a large quantity of them clanking about in a bag gets a few looks. I suppose it’s probably me being paranoid, loads of people carry bottles around in bags …, don’t they?160

I then went on to the joke shop, and brought 5 pairs of rubber hands (left and right) I thought they would be pretty good. It should add to the illusion of it all, I suppose to someone tripping, it would be pretty freaky to see their hand cut off. I also picked up a skull mask while I was there. Unfortunately it’s a luminous mask with a hood attached, to make it an over the head mask. I suppose if I touch up the skull with flour and water, it’ll give it more of a bone texture. Sadly they had no shrouds or capes, so I’ll have to see what turns up.161

I then went on to one of the supermarkets, and brought a pack of 12 king-size sausages. I guess if someone has their nob sellotaped to their arse while tripping it would be uncomfortable enough to enhance the illusion of having it cut off. In the case of the rapist of course.162

Later I borrowed Dave’s car (my brother) and took a little trip around a couple of different locations, looking for somewhere secluded, where there isn’t any sign of life for 2-3 miles at least. It took a couple of hours, but I think I’ve found somewhere, somewhere good. It’s a little clearing in a forest. It’s circular, tree stumps kicking about the place, loads of low hanging, strong branches, to which you could tie someone up, it’s cool. I can see it coming together so well, it’s unbelievable, it’s all falling into place so well. But I know I must be cautious and keep this to myself. I mean, I know Chris said he would help, but I don’t really think he thought I had this sort of thing in mind, I’ve also decided to have some cardboard props standing up. Like miniature reapers if you will. I really just need to do the silhouette of a human form. And just stand it there. While tripping, they won’t know if it’s moving or not. I should be able to do that. I’ll give it a go, this evening when I get back. Yes, the hour of judgement is truly at hand. With any luck it should be able to start within a few days, a week at most.163

I also made an appointment at the doctors to pick up a prescription. So I filled my pockets with many pairs of surgical gloves (that I assume he uses for arse probing and exploration) while he nipped out of the room to get my medical file, to confirm my medication dosage.164

That evening I got together some large boxes and made my silhouettes. A snip here, some sellotape there and then large amounts of black and grey paints. Until eventually I had 3 smaller sinister figures. It then occurred to me, I had forgotten to get red food colouring. Bugger, never mind, I’ll pick some up tomorrow when I visit Farah.165

In the morning of the next day, I gave Chris a ring and got him to come out and help me check out a van I saw advertised “For Sale”.166

He in turn gave it the thumbs up, so I bought it. I then sorted out insurance, as it was already taxed and MOT'ed for 10 months. Cool, it’s all coming together so well.167

Later that day, I didn’t touch a spliff, because I knew I had business to sort out with Farah. I took a walk over to ‘Hedonism’ which as it happened is a cocktail bar in the day (I forgot to mention it before). I found silent Carl and his darker friend on the door as usual. ‘Good afternoon gentlemen, is Farah about?’ I asked jovially.168

‘Ah yes, Mister Farah’s friend’ said the talker of the 2 as they both smiled. ‘I’m sure Mister Farah will be glad to see you’ he continued, with a wink and let me pass. Again silent Carl led me up the stairs. I must admit I felt a lot more comfortable this time, like I’d been accepted, almost a real achievement. As I got to the top of the stairs, Farah was already halfway around the corner, all smiles as he warmly shook my hand. It fucking hurt as well. He shook my left hand, his fingers pressing against the bandages. 169

Oh boy, first the pain, then the intense itching sensation. 170

I gritted my teeth. 171

It’ll pass, it’ll pass.172

As it happened I was wearing a long coat over a baggy jumper to hide the bandages, so nobody knew any better. 173

‘Richie man, how’s it going brother? Did you have a good time Saturday?’ he asked, excitedly.174

‘Yeah, it was fucking wicked man. Lights, dancing, music, everything. It was great. Those two girls were nice as well’ I answered, with equal excitement.175

‘Yeah, Candice and Monique. They’re regular comers to the club. So how’d it go then?’ he asked mischievously. 176

‘Oh nothing happened. Err…, a gentleman never tells and all that’ I answered nervously.177

‘They saw you and Chris, man. Who by the way is a nice guy. They were asking, so I was telling and they wanted to meet you both. They were glad for the introduction. Seen either of them since?’178

‘Yeah, we all stayed around and watched a couple of videos, the same night. I don’t know about Chris, but I haven’t seen them since. I’ve been a bit busy, to be honest. Candice left me her number, so I might give her a ring.’179

‘Yeah, man, she’s a nice girl.’180

‘Yeah, she’s a quiet girl. Doesn’t really say much…’181

‘Ha, ha, you’re not wrong there man, just like a woman should be. Anyhow, what brings you around this neck of the woods? What can I do for you man?’ he asked, jovially cutting to the point.182

‘I was hoping to score a bit of a deal with you really.’183

‘So come on man, shoot! What’s the deal?’ he asked, his eyes lighting up.184

‘Okay, how much would you do me 100 tabs for?’ I asked Farah’s eyebrows raised.185

‘Are we talking a regular scene or just one order?’ he asked as he offered me a seat at the table. I took, my coat off, and sat down, hanging my coat on the back of the chair. ‘Well, it’ll be regular. Every couple of weeks?’ I said.186

‘Yeah, I suppose that’s pretty regular. That’s a lot of acid, man. You sure you’ll be able to shift it?’187

‘Yeah, I’ve got a lot of friends who are into it.’188

‘To anyone else I’d say £200, for you I’d say £175.’189

‘Make it £150 and we’re talking business.’190

‘£150? Shit man, that wouldn’t be worth my while.’191

‘Come on Farah, you’re getting them in quantity so you’re probably getting them for a quid each. So you’ll still be making £50 on it.’192

‘Shit man, you drive a hard bargain.’193

‘I tell you what, say £150 and you can have the money now, otherwise you’ll have to wait till a week Friday when my Giro comes through.’194

‘Okay, man okay. Shit.’195

‘Oh while I think if it. How much would you do me 7 grams of Billy for?’196

‘£25.’197

‘Yeah, that’s cool.’198

‘Yeah? But believe me, man, this ain’t none of your on the street cut shit. Its base. So I’m warning you, when you take it, cut it with something man. Cause it’s that strong, a line could kill you. Know what I’m saying?’199

‘Yeah, cheers man.’200

‘Right, you made a deal so lets see the colour of your money’ he said. I took out my wallet and took the money out and put it on the table in front of him. ‘There you go’ I said. ‘£175’ Farah had a quick count through. ‘Yeah, everything seems to be in order, man, I’ll go get you your merchandise now’ he said getting to his feet. ‘You just rest your legs and Carl will fix you a drink. I’ll be back’ he added.201

‘What can I get you to drink?’ asked Carl, politely and very effeminately. 202

Fuck me, Carl said something. Wow. Shock to the system. Dear diary, tell me more. And if that is his real voice I can see why he doesn’t say much, it would spoil the Man Mountain image.203

‘A southern comfort and Coke, please’ I replied, as Farah disappeared behind a door to a back room. I sat back, pulled out my fags, and opened my packet. Then taking one out, I put it to my lips, lit it and inhaled deeply. Carl brought my southern comfort, placing it on the table in front of me. ‘Thank you, very much’ I said. ‘Oh that’s okay’ he said with a smile. Then Farah appeared again from the back room. ‘Okay, you got your drink, right, it’s all sorted and wrapped up, man’ he said, handing me a ready wrapped package. ‘Cheers man’ I replied, taking it from him.204

‘Staying for a drink man?’ offered Farah.205

‘Yeah, sure thing man. Sounds good to me’ I replied.206

And there I stayed for the next couple of hours, drinking it back with Farah. I finally left at 4 o’clock. I popped in the shop on the way back and bought loads of red food colouring and a bag of flour. I told them I was having a party and was putting on a bit of a spread. Not that they asked. Just paranoia creeping in again, making me feel I have to justify myself to people.207

Anyway, I finally got home and started having a look through the things I had got together, in my drunken haze. I mean great, yeah; I’ve got everything I need, except one of the most essential elements. The shroud for the reaper outfit. This as it happens, fell purely by chance in my lap, the following night. It’s amazing how fate works like that sometimes, isn’t it. Like it was meant to be. When you need something and suddenly there it is. It’s almost like a sign that you’re following your destiny. But now is not the time to get into the intricacies of fate, chance, luck and fortune. I’m trailing again. I’m really going to have to stop having a spliff the minute I get in the house, you know. It catches me off guard and makes me unfocused. 208

Maybe I should cut down, maybe if I cut down to one before I go to bed, or maybe one early evening and then one before I go to bed. Yeah, I should cut down. No, it’s never going to happen, what am I thinking? 209

Anyway, getting back again, the following night I went to the pub with Chris. I thought I might as well get out, be sociable for a bit. After all it was good of Chris to call over after work. There was a party of blokes there celebrating a stag night. They had the poor guy who was to be the groom with a ball and chain around his ankle and the rest of them all dressed in reaper shrouds. They got more and more pissed as the night went on. I asked one of them where they got the costumes from and he explained they had hired them for the night from a fancy dress shop. He gave me the name and address of the place. But as the night went on, they got really, really pissed and one of them crashed out on the table with his reaper outfit beside his unfinished pint in the beer garden of the pub. I don’t know... I know it’s dishonest. I shouldn’t have done it. The poor guy must have wondered where the fuck it had got to. But I took it. I thought what the hell! It’s something I need, its essential to the quest. I mean …, yeah, I’ve been on a guilt trip with myself about stealing it, but I don’t know. It’s hard to justify it to myself, when I’m using it to prevent crime. But maybe that’s justification in itself. I know if I see the guy around in the future I could give him money. No … No … he’s not likely to appreciate it, especially after having paid out for it. He gave me the name and address of the fancy dress place, he hired it from. Maybe, if I rang them and offered to pay for it? Yeah, I’ll ring them tomorrow.210